If I'm Not In Love With You

If I'm not in love with you

What is this I'm going through, tonight

And if my heart is lying then

What should I believe in?

Why do I go crazy?

Every time I think about you baby

Why else do I want you like I do

If I'm not in love with you

She craved the sound of laughter, the warmth of love, anything but this...

At 5am on this cool North Carolinian morning, sitting on the front steps of the house she and Jeff Hardy called home, Kalleasto McMahon would have given anything to be warm in her bed. Sleeping in Jeff’s arms... She would be safe. Safe and loved.

Would she ever be safe again?

Her knees hugged to her chest, Jeff’s 3 Xtreme T-shirt hanging loosely on her body as her desolate face hid in her lap, soaking the soft material with the tears that had not stopped coming for hours. She had known on the way home the night before that this would be the last time she slept in his arms. The last time she knew what it was to love him and be loved completely, unconditionally, in return.

He had been her forever.

And now her forever was a world away.

“Baby... I’ve let everyone down.” Her eyes searched his, “And you can’t tell me that’s not true.”

“Not everyone...”

The McMahon Heiress sighed reluctantly, “Maybe... Maybe not everyone. But the important ones... All that people that really matter to me.” She spoke softly, “I let the family down by literally destroying my career in the WWF, Jeff. I let Matt down, and Krissy...”

He cut her off, “You haven’t let me down, Kalli.”

Now even that was a lie.

The person who had mattered most to her these last few years was now the person she would destroy.

He loved her. So much. Every time he looked at her, every little sparkle he got in his eye when she was near, the way his lower lip curled slightly when he pursed his lips together to kiss her, the way his smile would fill his entire face, it was there. Each breath he took, each word he spoke, he loved her.

And since the moment she had first laid eyes on him, she had believed with all her heart that she loved him just the same way.

The way he flicked his hair out of his face, the way he would tug on it absently when he was writing his poetry, the cute way he snuggled under the covers when he slept, the way part of him still feared the dark... She could go on and on.

The ways that she loved him seemed endless.

And now she couldn’t even truly be sure she loved him anymore.

Kalli had never been more torn in all her life.

Matt Hardy was in her head, in her heart, marching around like he owned the place and though she prayed desperately he might be expelled from her conscious for all eternity, he stayed. His luscious brown eyes locked on hers, the cute little upturn in his nose drawing her attention, his cheeky grin dazzling her.

In the space of a night, he had destroyed her world.

Jeff would never hold her again. He would never kiss her, he would never love her. She would no longer wake to him smiling at her in the mornings, she would never have him sneak up from behind and kiss her neck while she washed dishes in their kitchen... All these tiny, seemingly inconsequential things. Things that built her everyday life, things that were the very foundations of her world.

The moment she told him she had made love to his brother, he would walk from her life.

And he would never be hers again.

When she was in Matt’s arms, she had thought of nothing else. She had felt whole. And not once had her mind drifted to the man she was meant to go home to each night, the man she had thought she would spend every night with for the rest of her life...

All she had seen when she looked at Matt was Matt.

With one kiss, he had made her forget everything she had ever known...

And he had given her something she had never dared dream of having with another man.

She loved Jeff, didn’t she?

When she closed her eyes at night, when sleep consumed her and lifted her to a world of dreams and fantasies, who was it that she saw? When she was frightened and alone, whose arms did she yearn for? When she hungered, fuelled by an appetite only a lover could satisfy who was it she craved?

The strength with which she adored him, the conviction with which she needed him day in, day out, if *that* was not love...

Then love frightened her.

For how much more powerful could the human heart be?

“Please just make it all go away...” She whispered, praying to whoever might be listening, whoever might care enough to appease her aching heart. “Just take it away and leave me with Jeff forever...”

But she could pray all she liked...

As the front door opened behind her, time finally ran out for Kalleasto McMahon and Jeff Hardy.

And if I don't need your touch

Why do I miss you so much, tonight?

If it's just infatuation then

Why is my heart aching

To hold you forever

Give a part of me I thought I'd never

Give again to someone I could lose

If I'm not in love with you

“Kalli? Baby, what are you doing out here?”

The girl jumped at the sound of Jeff Hardy’s adoring drawl as he stepped out onto the front steps. His hand reached out to instinctively caress the back of her head, but she did not look up, and that worried him.

He knew her all too well.

The only time she ever disappeared from their bed during the night was to come sit on the front steps, cold and shivering in one of the dozens of his t-shirts she always used as makeshift nights. She would sit and cry about whatever it was that bothered her.

The Hardy would like to think that he knew exactly what it was that bothered her now, but the honest truth was that he wasn’t exactly sure. Much of it would be her still deteriorating relationship with her sister, her continual arguments with her family and her suspension from the WWF.

A lot of it would be Krissy’s loss of the child she had been carrying. Because despite their problems, Kalli would mourn for her sister wholeheartedly and without hesitation.

But something told him it was even more than that.

"You wanna tell me what's going on?"

Krissy looked at him. She did want to tell him. "Yes, Jeff, I do. But it's not my place." Her shoulders sagged. "Jeff, you know that I would do anything to keep you from hurting right?"

He nodded slowly, "I do."

She smiled as she leaned her head onto his lap, resting her forehead against his thigh. "Then don't make me tell you everything. Not tonight. It will all come to light and when it does, remember that if anyone loves you, it's me. I love you, Jeff. You're the only one that I can truly count on."

Krissy words rang in his head. He had sensed some deeper meaning to them, but he had not pushed.

It was more than that now though.

Kalli had acted so strangely when he had returned from the hospital yesterday morning. And though she had passed it off as being tired, perhaps even a little unwell, her actions throughout the day had only made it clearer that something was not right with her. He had watched from afar while she had trained Tiara out in the Smackdown! ring, her attentions not even half on her friend as she took bump after bump in the ring. Then she had avoided him for the better part of the day, even organizing ringside seats for Heidi, who was still sleeping inside, and passing the decision off as being because it was Heidi’s last taped show for her visit.

But it was the trip home that had been the kicker.

He had driven the Mustang back to Cameron.

And she had feigned sleep all the way.

He knew she was awake. The erratic depth of her breathing, the occasional tear that slipped down her cheek had been a dead giveaway, but he had said nothing, choosing instead to talk with Heidi for the majority of the ride home. He had hoped that when they climbed into bed together last night, Kalli would tell him what was bothering her so much...

But she remained silent, kissing him lovingly and then snuggling into his arms.

Jeff would like to have waited for her to come to him in her own time. But when he had woken to an empty bed, he knew where she would be, and he knew that whatever it was she was going through, she had gone through it alone long enough.

Tightening the knot in the sheet he had tied awkwardly around his waist, he sat down on the step beside her, reaching out a hand to touch her hair. He brushed it back lightly, leaning against her slightly to whisper. “What’s going on with you?”

He had his suspicions. The bruise on her cheek, Krissy’s reaction to Matt, Krissy’s words, her insinuations that something more had damaged her relationship with her younger sister, the look on Kalli’s face when Jeff had mentioned that Matt had not heard the last of the damage he had inflicted upon her...

Jeff wasn’t stupid.

It was all a little too coincidental for his liking.

Something tied all these tiny facets together, and all he could do now was pray it wasn’t what fear was suggesting it might be.

But she would not look up. Instead she leant forward, resting her head against the knees that sat up in front of him, lifted by the step under the one on which he sat. She hugged his knees tightly, her grip shaky but strong.

“Kalli?” He queried gently again.

Finally she spoke, “Jeffy?” She whispered, “Can I ask you something?”

Her voice was racked with pain he had only heard in her once before...

"*THIS* hurts me!" She snapped, angry in her hurt, "This hurts me worse than worrying about you ever could... Please, Jeff... Please..."

The younger Hardy shook his head, "No, Kalli. I'm sorry." A few more tears escaped him, trickling mournfully down his face as he told her softly, sad certainty in his voice, "It's over."

A sob escaped her and she pressed a hand over her mouth as though trying to hide it. "I..." Another sob escaped her and she shook her head, "I love you..." More sobs escaped her as she struggled to ask in a tiny voice, "Don't you love me?"

“Sure, baby... Go ahead,” he ran his fingers through the length of her hair, stroking all the way to its ends, his eyes locked on what little of her teary face he could see from where she had buried her face in his lap.

There was along pause and then Kalli asked fearfully, her voice barely audible, “Would you forgive me anything?”

Jeff gulped solemnly.

The tiny thought, that lingering suspicion that had ran through his mind over and over throughout the better part of the night was now seizing him, locking a grip around his heart that he suddenly feared never being about to shake off.

“Why, honey?” His voice was a whisper now too, “What did you do?”

A sharp sob broke from her and she stammered the only answer she could manage.

Oh why in every fantasy

Do I feel your arms embracing me?

Lovers lost in sweet desire

Oh why in dreams do I surrender

Like a little baby

Someone help explain this feeling

If Jeff had thought the fear had been bad before...

What took hold of him now was far, far worse.

He wanted to doubt his ears, he wanted to be certain he had heard something else entirely, but the name, uttered with such heartbreak, with such guilt, echoed inside him, reverberating through his flesh, his bones, rocking him to his very core.

He had never heard more pain than he had in the way she had spoken then. Her voice her confession of guilt, her sobs a testimonial of her regret.

“Yeah, Kalli?”

Fidgeting with his hair again, this time as a nervous reaction more so than anything else she asked, “Do you...” Softly, “Do you really trust me with Matt?”

“Baby, you made a mistake.” His face showed the strength of his convictions where she and Matt were concerned, “I don’t like that it happened, I never will, but I know Matt. That kiss, that was not Matt. That’s not what Matt is about. He’s all for Krissy and nothing else and we both know that, Kalli.” He gave her a tender smile, “And you. I know you. And *that* is not you either. That will never be you.”

Jeff Hardy didn’t know anything anymore.

“When?” He whispered, but still sobbing, she was unable to answer him. He nodded solemnly, knowing filling him. “Monday.” He whispered again, “It was Monday, wasn’t it?” She nodded against him, but only barely, and he sighed, “That would explain Krissy turning Matt away at the Hospital.”

Kalli somehow managed to murmur in response to this, “It hadn’t... We hadn’t...”

Jeff paled, “While I was at the Hospital with Krissy?” She nodded again.

This wasn’t happening.

It wasn’t happening.

Jeff leant forward, kissing the back of her hair, leaning her forehead against her head where it rest on his knees. He still stroked her hair and though he felt his insides crumbling, he wanted to know it all. How it happened, why it happened. He would keep it together as long as it took to know the truth...

His voice was barely a croak as he asked her, “How?”

“He... He...” Kalli was struggling. Totally and utterly struggling. She would prefer them never to have had to have this conversation. If she never told, he would never know. Matt could keep after Krissy, she could stay, content, as she had been before now, with what she had.

Jeff’s love meant everything to her.

How had Matt made her forget that?

She struggled on, “He was so angry at me...” She fought to keep away her sobs, but occasionally one stifled sound of pain would emerge mid sentence, “Krissy had seen us... At the arena... When he hit me... He and Adam, they were checking on me... She heard him call me baby...”

Jeff nodded to himself.

He understood why Krissy had run now.

“I didn’t even notice... I swear... I didn’t realize he had called me baby... All I could think was he had hit me.” She sobbed slightly, “He hit me and I was so hurt.” Realizing she was getting off the track a little she went on, “At the hotel when he came to see me, Jeff, he blamed me for everything... For the kiss when I was in the Hospital, for all his problems with Krissy, for the baby... We started to fight...”

"If she hadn't seen what you did that night... If she hadn't seen you kiss me... She would never have left me in the first place, this would *never* have happened..."

The girl murmured softly, hurt and anger all starting to build into one overwhelming emotion, "This isn't my fault."

"It is your fault! Krissy is right about you! You couldn't get Jeff back with your stupid ladder match, you did the next best thing, you used ME!"

Kalli told him softly, “I was so upset... It just became this screaming match...”

"I fucking love you, Kalli, I would do anything for you, *anything* to help you out! I slip up once, just that once, and it gets to ruin my God Damn life?" He breathed nastily, "I always thought you being my best friend was a blessing," his next words were the most scathing of all, "For me and Krissy? You've been nothing but a fucking curse!"

Kalli McMahon stepped back as though he had dealt her a physical blow, she barely managed to sob painfully, "I have done everything I could to keep you two together!"

"No, you've stuck your nose in our business again and again and again and ruined everything!!!" He demanded furiously, "Why the hell can't you just stay out of my life?"

She admitted more guiltily than ever, “And then I said...”

"I can't stay out of your life because I can't live my life without you in it!!!" She screamed into his face, this time, the truth in her words, the undeniable emotion, plainly spelt out for Matt to see. Lost to it, she went on, planting her hands in his chest and shoving him, "I can't breathe when I think for one second that you're not going to be there!" She sobbed again, her hands surging into his chest again, "I can't sleep without knowing that all I need to do is call and you'll be there!" Breaking totally she cried out, "I need you, Matt! God dammit! I fucking need you! Don‘t you see that? And I hate it! I fucking hate it!" Her sobs racked her body and she nearly collapsed where she stood, murmuring softly over and over, "But I do. I do..."

She wanted to look up at Jeff in that point. She wanted to look at him so he could see that she was just as surprised, possibly as horrified, as he by the turn of events.

She had meant every single one of them.

But until she had given them voice that night in that hotel room, she had never even known those feelings existed in her. They had leapt out at her from the most hidden parts of her heart and seized her with a power she was unable to keep at bay. Once those emotions were out, they were going to stay out, no matter how she begged for them to be hidden, never to be spoken of again.

Jeff breathed deeply when Kalli paused.

When she was angry, when she was hurt, she struck out at her most honest, he knew that from experience. For those to be the things she said...

But to his own brother.

Tears welled up in his eyes, and though he did not want the answer, he asked, “What happened next, Kalli?”

Her bare foot touched the tiles of the bathroom floor and she moved to take that last step inside.

But Matt hooked a hand around her arm. She was still only partially aware he had followed her until he whirled her to face him.

Matt was Krissy's...

But it didn't stop him from doing what his instincts told him to do in that moment.

Pulling her firmly against him, he tangled his fingers in her hair and pulled her into a heated and adoring kiss...

Kalli broke off. Jeff didn’t need to hear the rest. She would not subject him to anymore than she had to. If she could, she would have subjected him to none at all.

For a long time, they sat in silence. Still she longed to look up at him, but the very thought of the pain she knew would be on his face broke her heart.

It was with all the more guilt that Kalli realized...

For the first time since she and Matt had crossed that line, she would give anything to take her night with Matt back and banish it...

“I’m sorry,” she whispered past her tears. “I know how hollow that sounds, but I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Jeff.” The control that she had been fighting to keep on her slowly started to slip away as she cried, “I’m so sorry...”

Nothing had ever hurt Jeff more than her words did in that moment. Her desperate chants of apology, the sincerity behind them, only made him more aware of the gravity of the situation. His gorgeous hazel eyes clenched shut, trying to stop the flow of tears than now ran so painstakingly down his cheeks.

He loved her more than life itself...

And she had just slept with his brother.

“Do you...” He choked and had to pause, clearing his throat before he could continue, “Do you love him, Kalli?”

She offered weakly, “I love you...”

He cut her off, “That’s not what I asked.” He asked again, “Do you love him?”

In truth, she had not even asked herself that question, so frightened was she by the answer. If she loved Matt, she didn’t want to know. She didn’t ever want to know.

Jeff was her forever.

You couldn’t feel what she felt for Jeff if she didn’t love him.

Why else would she live for him, breathe for him, long for him, love him? Her life was worthwhile because he loved her, because he was there. He was not just part of her life, he was her life. How could she love anyone else if she was in love with him?

“I don’t know, Jeff.” She told him truthfully. “I don’t know.”

He did not respond for a moment, anger seeping into his wounded heart.

She had run away from him. She had spent a night in another’s arms, forever altering their own relationship, hell, for all he knew, possibly ending it forever, and she couldn’t give him a straight up answer? “Kalli,” he cooed softly, taking her shoulders and sitting her up, and though she was now at eye level with him, she would not look at him until he gently cupped her face and made her look at him. “Do you love him?”

The McMahon Heiress shook her head, “I don’t know...”

“DO YOU?” The shouted words sent the girl jumping back, her face a mask of excruciating pain as he glared at her, his anger seizing him before he could even think to control it.

Images swept through each of their minds. Old memories of nights they had lay together innocently in her bed or his, talking all night, smiling and laughing filtered back. Pictures of times when he had comforted her, when she had comforted him, more than anyone else could ever comfort either of them. Tiny moments in time, a whispered word here, a playful grin there...

And finally Matt and Kalli understood that each and every one of those things had led them here.

Their entire lives had been leading them...

It was so intense, so consuming...

But Kalli McMahon still didn’t know if it was love.

“Jeff...” She whimpered, closing her eyes, burying her face in her hands to sob even harder than before. “I don‘t know what I feel for Matt...” She sobbed again, “Its so surreal... So... It’s so much... And I know I love him... But am I in love with him?” She whispered, “I honestly don’t know.”

Jeff’s jaw dropped at this, surprise in his face. His mouth slightly agape, his lower lip trembled in, fear, pain, anger and more, so much more, crashing throughout every particle of his being. All he wanted was to know. One way or the other. He thought she would be able to tell him. He thought he would know.

Because this not knowing...

And unless his eyes were deceiving him, it was killing her too.

He leant forward, pressing his palm to the back of her head where she held it, lowered into her palms. He rubbed her hair softly before he whispered, more fear in him than ever, “Do you love me?”

She looked up now, her sobs silenced, her eyes on his. “You know I do,” she stated, her passion for him in her voice.

Jeff shook his head slightly and then murmured ever so quietly, “And... Are you... Are you in love with me?”

Kalli reached out, pushing back strands of his soft blue hair with one hand, the other pressing gently against his cheek, she leant forward, looking into his eyes with determination she didn’t know she had. “I live you, I breathe you... When I wake up in the morning, you’re my very first thought... When I go to bed at night, I thank God for the day I just had with you and I pray I’ll have another just like it when I wake the next day... My life is you, Jeff.” She whispered, “If I’m not in love with you...”

That was all there was to it really.

If she wasn’t in love with him...

Then Kalli McMahon didn’t even know what love was anymore.

“Jeff?” She whispered, her eyes still locked on his.

And he looked into her.

It didn’t take a genius to see how much pain she was in.

But his own pain? It gripped him, mauling his heart without a thought for what came next.

When he did not answer her she whispered, “Tell me what to do, Jeff. I don’t know what to do.”

Again he looked into her...

And then he looked into himself.

He leant forward, softly pressing his lips to her forehead before telling her softly, “I think you should go inside and get dressed...”

She nodded, a sad smile on her face, her willingness to do whatever he asked apparent...

“And then I think you should leave.”

He pulled away from her slowly, painfully, then he climbed to his feet and walked back into the house, her sad smile disappearing as he went, her pain gripping her again.

She didn’t even want to contemplate it.

But something told her that may very well have just been the end of Jeff and Kalli.

If I'm not in love with you

What is this I'm going through, tonight?

And if my heart is lying then

What I should believe in?

Every time I think about you baby?

Why else do I want you like I do

If I'm not in love with you?