And So She Called It Hearts & Ladders

It was Christmas Eve.

The house was filled with the delicious aroma of Christmas foods, and while Jeff Hardy helped his father as they prepared an array of foods for the next days luscious feast of roast meats and vegetables, laid on with an array of sauces and spices and lord knew what else...

Kalleasto McMahon’s stomach was rumbling.

Granted, she had dined with the Hardy family for lunch, returning to Jeff’s home to ready herself for her flight back to Connecticut at 8pm. But it changed nothing. There was food right before her, and if she lost a hand in the process, she was determined to swipe something and run, so ravished was she.

“Kalli,” she looked up when Gilbert’s voice reached her ears, “Don’t think for one second that I don’t know you’re eyeing off my cooking.”

Innocently she queried him, “Who? Me?”

It was Jeff who replied, laughing softly, “Girl, you’re practically drooling.”

“Am not.” She snapped playfully.

Gilbert sighed, “Children, please.”

The twosome fell silent under the attempted sternness of the senior Hardy’s gaze. The moment he had fixed his attentions back on the vegetables he was preparing, Kalli wagged her tongue at Jeff. Fighting the urge to laugh, he returned the gesture and the girl’s jaw dropped. This time he was unable to resist his laughter, quietly chuckling to himself.

Folding her arms, the McMahon Heiress glared at him, her eyes falling on the carrots he was skilfully chopping up. A deliciously wicked smile painted her face and she jumped up from her stool on the opposite side of the bench, snatching a carrot and darting out of the room.

“Hey!!!” Jeff shouted as she disappeared, dropping his knife down on the bench and hurrying after her.

Gilbert looked up, shaking his head, but smiling as their heavy footsteps moved further away...

“Kalli McMahon, you drop that carrot!” Jeff called after her.

The girl cast a glance back over her shoulder, “You want this carrot you’re gonna have to take it from me...” She bashed into the corner of a doorway with her shoulder, spinning around. She let out a startled squawk as Jeff jumped towards her, spearing her carefully.

She collapsed to the tiled floor and the two skidded out into the open front door, the doorframe catching on Kalli’s shirt and stopping the twosome dead in their tracks.

“Gotcha!” The younger Hardy Boy snatched the carrot from her.

“Hey!” She pouted, “That’s mine! I stole it fair and square!”

Jeff grinned, “And I stole it back.”

The girl pouted all the more, “At least I didn’t have to resort to wrestling moves to commit my act of thievery.”

He shrugged, “Good point.” His eyes met hers and he gave her a gentle smile, smoothing back the hair that he had ruffled in the process of snaring her. “You’re all scruffy looking now.”

“Way to charm a lady,” she told him.

He chuckled, “Like you’re a lady, Tomboy Much.”

Hurt flared in her eyes and she sighed softly to herself, fighting it as she moved in an attempt to push him from on top of her, “You’re heavy,” she said a little heatedly.

Confused by her sudden change in demeanour, he whispered, “Kallikins? What’s the matter?”

“You’re heavy,” she said in a slightly exaggerated tone. “I’m all squashed.” He gave her his best pitiful Jeffy look and she groaned, “Don’t do that.”

He giggled, “Can’t resist the poor, pitiful Jeff look, huh?”

The melodious sound of his giggle reached her and her smile reappeared, “God, get off...” Her voice trailed away, her eyes locking on the top of the doorframe, she blushed suddenly.

“What?” He asked, spotting her blush. She did not reply and he looked up, a blush touching his own face.

He looked down at her again, “Uh...”

Her gaze fell back to his for the briefest moment and then she looked away, “It’s okay, if we never tell anyone they won’t know we never did it.”

“Isn’t that bad luck?” He asked.

She shrugged, “Beats me.” Forcing herself to smile, desiring that Christmas kiss more than she had ever desired anything, she shoved him playfully, “Come on, get up.”

“It’s tradition.”

Feigning stupidity, Kalli asked, “What is?”

But instead of answering, he leant forward, closing his eyes as he pressed his lips softly to hers. For a moment, she lay there, completely shocked...

Realization slowly came to her.

This was it. Her one chance to show Jeff Hardy what he meant to her.

Slowly curling her lips into a tender kiss to meet his, her shaking hands crept up his sides... Caught by the emotion he felt in her, Jeff was unable to resist the lull of her kiss and as her lips parted slightly, he did what came naturally, slipping his tongue into her mouth.

By the time her fingers had crept into his soft, multi-coloured hair, the friendly kiss was intensifying rapidly.

When eventually the kiss broke away, Kalli’s arms wrapped tenderly around Jeff’s neck, Jeff’s fingers were tangled softly in her hair, their eyes locked. His nose rubbed softly against hers and confused he whispered, “Kallikins?”

Seeing his confusion, hurt flooded Kalleasto McMahon.

A million times she had fantasized about this moment. They would kiss and he would pull away from her, look into her eyes and know. He would read her love for him and he would come to realize that they were meant to be together, that his relationship with Beth was not what he was destined for...

But she didn’t see that in him now.

“I’m sorry,” she whimpered, pushing him off her with desperate force and climbing to her feet. She hurried back down the hall into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her, locking away the shame of loving someone...

And knowing they would never love you in return.

Kalli snuggled a little closer to the small fire she had lit that cool Christmas Eve in Connecticut. The sun had almost entirely disappeared now, and she could only just read the words she had scrawled passionately into the notebook in her hands over the past few weeks.

It was pointless, really, but she had decided to re-read parts of the notebook before...

So much had gone into this book. So many memories, so much love. But so long as the book was in her possession, she would read over it again and again and again... She held onto it as desperately as she did to her love for Jeff.

Should she continue to hold on, she would never be giving Matt a fair chance.

Parting with the book was the first step.

It would have been her preference to give the book to someone who would appreciate it, but the only person she knew truly would was Jeff. And she couldn’t give him this. How cruel would it be? To give him a book full of memories of a life she had willingly left behind?

There was no one else.

She would read some more.

Then she would commit the book to the flames, taking a final step in her relationship with Jeff, and hopefully, starting a new path with Matt.

If only she could stop reading...

“Kalli? Kalli, come on. Come out. Please.”

But no answer came from behind the bathroom door. He had tried for what had to be a half an hour and she had not responded to him in anyway. Eventually he had sighed, walking back into the kitchen.

Spotting him when he walked in the door, Gilbert asked, “Didn’t you lose something?”

“She locked herself in the bathroom,” Jeff said softly.

His father chuckled, “I was talking about the carrot you were trying so valiantly to rescue.”

“Oh.” Jeff moved back around to his father’s side, picking up his knife to continue cutting, completely unaware of himself, staring off into space, his face still filled with confusion as he cut... Until his father leant over and took the knife from him. He looked up startled, “Dad, what the..?”

“You’re going to cut your hand off if you don’t pay some attention to what you’re doing.”

His son sighed, moving around the bench to sit where Kalli had been, sighing, “I’m sorry.”

Gilbert sighed, “Are you going to tell me what happened?”

“We...” Jeff struggled, “We were screwing around, and we fell, and I was squashing her, and she got mad, I don’t know why. It must have been something I said.”

“And what did you say?”

Jeff mused back over the conversation for a moment before answering, “I only said she was a tomboy... That’s not so offensive.” Gilbert shook his head, muttering under his breath at his son though the Hardy Boy remained completely unaware. “Then we saw the Mistletoe...” He looked up in time to catch the worried look that filled his father’s face. “What?” He asked.

“Did you kiss her?” Gilbert asked worriedly. Jeff nodded and his father sighed again, “And then?”

His son’s confusion was clear, “She said she was sorry, she got all upset...” He motioned out the door toward the hallway, “And now she’s in the bathroom.”

Gilbert Hardy shook his head, “Sometimes, son, you’re a damn idiot.” He put down his own knife, moving out into the hallway to knock on the bathroom door, “Kalli?” He called out.

In reply he heard a sniffled, “Daddy-O?”

“Are you okay, honey?” He asked. There was a pause and then the bathroom door clicked open. The girl stood, her eyes red and puffy from the tears she was trying in vain to prevent. “Oh, Kalli.” She stepped forward and he welcomed her into his arms, giving her a forlorn cuddle.

“I’m such an idiot,” she cried softly. “What did I think I was doing?”

“Ssshhh,” he cooed. “It’s okay.”

She shook her head against him, her anger with herself in her voice, “No, it’s not.” She struggled past her sobs, “I kissed him. I kissed him and the earth was supposed to move,” she stammered naively, “He was supposed to kiss me and just know how I felt, and he didn’t...”

She cut him off, “I’m so embarrassed... I’m so stupid.”

“I called Matty on my cell phone. He was at the store, but he’s coming back here now.” She sniffled, “All my bags are in the car already, he said he’d take me to the airport.”

Gilbert sighed, “Don’t you want to say goodbye to Jeff?”

She shook her head again, “I just want to go. I can’t face him...” She whispered, “I’m such a fool. All he does is talk about Beth... What difference could one tiny kiss make?”

“Kalli...” But the sound of Matt’s car in the drive could be heard and the words he had planned to speak trailed away.

The girl looked up at him, “Merry Christmas, Daddy-O.” She hugged the man and then hurried down the hall and out the door before he could say anything, leaving him to stare helplessly after her.

The McMahon Heiress looked up from the book, tears streaming softly down her face. She remembered all too well the emotions she had felt exactly one year ago on this night. How much her life had changed in the simple course of a year.

What she had not known on that night though was that Jeff had been standing right there, hidden by the kitchen door. He had heard every word she had said, and when he had confronted Gilbert about it, his father had little choice but to tell Jeff that Kalleasto McMahon did not think of him just as a friend.

It had been just over a month later when he and Beth had gone their separate ways. And though it had broken his heart, Kalli had seen him through the long, painful days and the even longer, lonely nights until eventually, Jeff Hardy had realized that he wasn’t lonely anymore.

Closing the book, Kalli stared down at it.

She had read enough, ached enough...

A hundred memories, maybe more, were contained in that book. She lifted it, pressing her lips to the tattered front cover. “Goodbye, Jeffy,” she whispered, the first of her sobs coming to her as she held the book out above the fire...

Horrified, she paused when Jeff Hardy’s voice sounded from behind her, “Kalli?”

Whirling around, snatching the book back against her, hiding it as best she could under the arms she folded around herself she tried to wipe away her tears before looking up, “Jeffy? What are you doing out here?”

“I wanted to talk to you,” he slowed, eventually coming to a halt, dropping down to kneel a foot or so from her. “You’re Mom said you were out here with Angelus.” He motioned to the fire, “She didn’t mention anything about you starting your own little bonfire.”

The girl stammered softly, barely breathing trying to keep her sobs in check, “You... You came looking for me?”

He nodded, “I just...” He shrugged, “I don’t want to not talk to you. And...” He smiled, “You did call the other night after Raw.”

She shrugged as nonchalantly as she could, “Force of habit.”

“Maybe.” He smiled softly, his eyes drifting over her a moment. He made out the top corner of the book under her arm and he looked at her curiously. “What’s that?”

Kalli paled, “What’s what?” He motioned to the notebook and she said offhandedly, “Oh, I was just... Uh...” Tears were welling up in her eyes again, “I was just reading by the fire...”

But Jeff Hardy knew her too well.

He reached out, pulling one arm away, taking hold of the book. He opened it, flicking through it. Pain filled his face when he realized it was the notebook she had shown him just over a week ago. He cast a look between the flames and the book in his hands. “Kalli,” he whispered, “Were you going to burn this?”

“N... No...” She started to mumble.

But they both knew it was a lie.

Slowly but surely, she nodded. “I’m sorry.”

Flabbergasted he whispered, “Why?”

“I... I’ve been reading it,” she whispered back. “Over and over and over and the more I read it the more I miss the security... The certainty... Everything that was us.” She told him shamefully, “I can’t give Matt what he needs until I can let you go, and it’s just so hard.”

“So you burn your memories? You burn what you loved most about us?” Anger teetered in his voice, “So it’s like it never happened? So you and Matt can start your life together, with a clean slate?”

“No...” She struggled.

But he spoke over her, “You and Matt don’t deserve a clean slate.”

“Jeffy...” She reached out a hand to him, gently touching his arm, but he pulled away from her. “Please,” she whispered, “I wasn’t trying to wipe the remnants of us away. I just wanted... I just...” She sobbed softly.

How would she ever explain what she had wanted?

For so long she had loved him. Her life had revolved around him and she had lived him, breathed him. She loved him still as completely as she had when they were together and it tore her apart, little by little, every waking moment of her life since they had parted ways.

She could take nothing away from the depth of her feelings for Matt. She felt certain she had made the right choice...

But it made it no easier to say goodbye to a yesterday that, up until recently, had given her the happiest days of her life.

She looked up, suddenly aware Jeff was climbing to his feet. She hurried to stand herself, “Jeffy, please...”

He shook his head at her, holding the book up, “Would you honestly wipe all of this away? Would you rather forget?”

“Never,” her sincerity was written clearly on her face, echoing meaningfully in her voice, “Never.”

She tried to explain as best she could, “I just wanted to find a way... A way to start letting you go...” She sobbed softly, “I don’t know how to do it by myself, and I wrote so much in that book... I... I didn’t want to burn it, I wanted to give it to you, but I thought...” She broke away, unable to go on.

When was the last time she had truly used that head of hers anyway.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“So am I.” He clutched the book tightly to him, just the way he had seen Kalli do once before. “But you are never destroying this book, Kalli.” There was spite in his voice, “I will never let our history together just slip away. I‘m not like you.”

He didn’t mean it. He knew he didn’t.

But as he turned and walked away, he couldn’t bring himself to turn back and apologize.

She loved him, and he knew that. He saw it in her every time he laid eyes on her, he felt it in her whenever she spoke, and if she touched him... He knew it then better than ever.

But she had left him. She had chosen her fate.

And though he knew she would never want to just wipe that away...

He was still too hurt by her decision to be perfectly rational where she was concerned anymore.

As he stepped into the house, he looked down at the book in his hands. This was all that remained of Kalleasto McMahon and Jeff Hardy. The Hardy Boy clutched it to him again, moving up the stairs to Krissy’s bedroom. He had told her he would meet her there before bed, his best friend insisting they spend the night together, so worried about him was she.

And now, he certainly didn’t mind the wait.

He had some reading to do.

“Hearts and Ladders.”

Jeff let the name echo around his mind as he spoke it aloud.

How fitting a name it seemed.

“Hearts and Ladders.” He smiled softly to himself, still a little surprised that Kalli had even named the collection of tales hand written throughout the notebook. A little surprised even that she had named it so appropriately.

He was a little surprised he was even reading these little tales of their past.

Because it really was over with Kalli now, wasn’t it?

She held on. So did he.

But they were both struggling against the truth.

Matt had been for her what Jeff could not. Even here, in this very book, he had seen evidence of that. In almost every sad little story of her longing for him, especially while he was with Beth, it had been Matt who had come to her. Matt who had comforted her.

Matt had seen that Kalleasto McMahon wasn’t just a little tomboy that kicked around with the boys, and he knew that if he had been as clued in as his brother, things may very well have worked differently for he and Kalli.

But if it was not meant to be...

And frankly, he didn’t believe they had been. Not anymore. If they had been meant to be, they would still be together right now.

But for a long, long time, it had certainly felt like forever...

“Are you sure?”

Kalli looked over at Jeff, “Will you just hurry up and get to the go already?”

The Hardy Boy laughed, “All right, all right.” He started again, “Ready... Set... Go!!!”

The girl leapt forward, racing across the ring, leaping up onto the ring post and then back flipping straight back off it. She landed with a thud on her ass, facing the way she came, and where Jeff still stood, but she was smiling, “Did I do it? Did I do it?”

Jeff smiled dismally. That had been one of the few times he himself had really trained with her when they had first come to the WWF. Thought Kalli had always worked with The Hardy Boys behind the scenes, it had been Matt that the majority of her the ring work was done with. Like Matt, Kalli was near obsessed with in-ring perfection. Jeff just went out there and went with it, content to do what he did to the best of his ability, loving the adrenalin rush and the thrill of his high flying escapades. Kalli thrived on those two things as much as he did when he was in that ring...

But Kalli McMahon didn’t just want to be a wrestler.

She wanted to be the best women’s wrestler there had ever been.

And so every day since she had taken up with The Hardy Boys, she and Matt had trained together, Kalli often rivalling Amy with her hunger inside the ring. It was little wonder that just as Matt had once been drawn to Amy, he would one day be drawn to Kalli...

Except that it was far deeper, far stronger with Kalli.

Jeff shook his head, flicking through the book again.

“Look at you, Kalli! Look at what you’ve been doing this last few weeks! I thought that I knew you... But all that you’ve done is shock me over and over again. The ladder match, Matt...”

She offered weakly, “Matt was an accident...”

“...Waiting to happen.” She looked up at him at last. He nearly stepped back, almost dealt a physical blow, when he realized she was crying. “What happened with Matt, Kalli? Why did it happen? How long has it been going on? And... Do you have feelings for him? I mean... God... What the hell..?”

Angry, hurt, she struck out in a last ditch effort to defend herself, “What business is it of yours?” She tried to stay strong but the anger was fleeting and a small sob broke from her, she closed her eyes to take a deep, steadying breath, “It’s no concern of yours anymore, Jeff. It has nothing to do with you.” She moved to walk past him, but he grabbed her arm, whirling her around to face him. Before he could speak she was practically snarling, “Let go of me. Right now.”

“No.” He glared down into her eyes, “Why Matt?”

She shook her head, scrunching up her face in a mixture of aggravation and confusion, “Why not Matt, Jeff?” Her tears continued to fall and she hurried on, her tone accusing, “He was there. In that hospital when all I wanted was you, he was there. He didn’t leave me, and he didn’t criticize me, and he didn’t tell me that I wasn’t worth it...”

A flash of shame touched his cheeks, “I never said that...”

“Didn’t you?”

And she was right in a way.

The moment he had chosen to walk away from her, months ago though it was now, he had ultimately sealed their fate. She had loved him and supported him through everything the entire time he had known her. In return, the one time she had needed him to be strong for her, he had turned her away.

Matt could be for Kalli what Jeff now knew he could never be.

But it didn’t make it any easier walking away.

“I haven’t stopped blaming myself since I broke up with you. I haven’t stopped wanting you back. Not for a moment. I thought I was doing what was best for you...”

“You are what’s best for me, Jeff.”

He could hear his own voice, asking her that simple question over and over. “Am I?” He whispered softly to himself.

Jeff stared down at the book a moment before clenching his eyes shut. He understood suddenly while Kalli had decided to destroy the book.

This was more painful than anything he had ever known.

But pain, pleasure... Any let part of her he had left, he would hold on to for the rest of his life, and beyond. Because if he had to let her go, then...

He flicked through the book...

There had to be something he could hang on to.

His eyes settled on the last page. Since he had seen the book last, Kalli had added to it. The tears in his eyes brimmed as he read, the words blurring in his heartbroken vision.

“Kalleasto McMahon. Jeffrey Hardy.”

He spoke the words aloud...

“What was once forever,

became a lie that is no more.

How could I have loved so freely?

Then chosen another to adore?

Why does my heart ache for you?

Why can’t I breathe for pain?

I should be happy, I should be glad,

Yet I can not walk away.

You had my heart, my very soul,

I believed in our forever.

Did you suspect that the day would come,

a day we would not endeavour.

I never meant to break your heart,

I meant to love you ever after.

I am a victim of my love,

a slave to its cruel master.

The day may come when I find joy,

in the arms I chose to embrace.

But come what may, you and I,

this love can never be erased.

Fate may be kind, it may be cruel,

it may push us and pull us together.

But I wish for you this simple gift...

May you find your true forever.”

The last of her written words trailed away.

Tomorrow morning, he would find Kalleasto McMahon and apologize.

For truly she did not wish to erase their past, nor burn it from her memory...