If He Only Knew
Chapter I
"What the hell did you do?"
Kalleasto McMahon looked up over the armload of groceries she carried to look at Matt Hardy as his voice wafted melodramatically across the room. She flashed him a half smile, struggling to keep the groceries in her grip. "Something the matter, baby?"
"You... You..." He stammered.
One of the bags of groceries started to slip and the girl hoisted a knee, balancing precariously on one leg to try and push the groceries back into her arms. "Uh..." She said breathlessly, "Matty... Some help..."
"But you... You..."
Exasperated as a second bag started to slip, the girl cried out, "Matt!!!"
He stood there, still in shock for a moment before realization filled his face. "Oh, shit, yeah..." He stepped forward, grabbing two bags from her overloaded arms. He carried them over to the kitchen bench, plonking them down before Kalli moved up beside him to set her own bags down.
"There's still more in the car..." She moved to turn away, but he locked an arm on her hand, "Kalli..."
She looked up at him, all oblivious, "What, Matty? I wanna help your Dad with the rest of the groceries..." She was silenced when he reached forward to run his fingers through her hair. They drifted down silently from scalp to the ends that hung only a centimetre or two from her shoulders. "Oh," she mused quietly.
"It's all gone," he whispered, "And it's different..."
The girl smiled softly, "It's not all gone," she told him gently, "It's just changed a little."
"A little..." He whispered, his eyes running over her hair, usually so long it cascade most of the way down her back, a soft mousy brown colour, only a tinge or two lighter than her sister Stephanie's. It was now a deep, rich red, very like Amy Dumas' hair at its darkest shade. "You cut it all off."
Kalli shrugged, "A change is as good as a holiday." A slight pout filtered onto her face, "Don't you like it?"
His brown eyes locked on hers, "It's not that I don't, it's just such a big change... I've never known you with hair this short." He continued to toy with her silken hair, his fingers still running through the remaining length of it, twisting it around, his eyes locking on it as though he was examining it closely, "The colour is nice, Kalli."
She smirked. She knew he'd be surprised when she came home with her long, mousy brown hair cut and coloured, but the expression on his face was priceless. "Matty, it's really not so bad."
"I didn't say it was bad," he said weakly in his defence, "I'm just..." A slow smile crept onto his face, "Wow."
Her brow pressed together curiously, "Is that a good wow or a 'Oh my God I can't believe you would even do that' wow?"
He chuckled softly, pulling her into his arms to cuddle her tightly, "I think it's a good wow." He kissed the tip of her nose, "You just caught me off guard." He shook his head slightly, "You could warn me before you come home one day looking like a brand new girl."
"That's a brand spanking new girl, thank you very much," she told him cheekily.
Matt's chuckle deepened, "I look forward to testing that out..." He placed a sweet kiss on her lips and the girl melted into, her mouth curling into a grin as he did so, her arms darting up around his neck, her body arching up on her tip toes. When the kiss broke away he whispered to her, "For the record, I did like the old you too, you know." He grinned, "She was beautiful."
Kalli pouted playfully, "And this one?"
"She's beautiful too..." He looked her over, "Only now in a slightly more sultry way."
Her brow pressed together curiously again, "Sultry?"
"Yeah." His eyes danced wickedly, "You look like the kinda girl who likes to misbehave."
"Na huh," she shook her head in attempted seriousness, "Not me."
"Yeah," he told her sillily, stealing her favourite sarcastic retort, "And I'm the Queen of Egypt."
The McMahon Heiress laughed at this, "I'd like to see you in that get up actually..."
Lindsey held the photograph she had been examining up in front of Kalli, "Who’s that?"
The McMahon Heiress took the photo, looking at it a second and laughing, "That’s Jeff."
"What?" The younger of the two McMahon girls snatched the photo back to look at it again. "It doesn’t look like Jeff."
"It is, Linds. He’s wearing a wig," Kalli told her matter of factly.
The girl looked more closely at the photo a moment before exclaiming, "Oh hey, it is too!" She giggled, "What was he doing wearing a Cleopatra wig?"
"I dared him to wear it around for a minimum of 10 minutes at the party after the Premiere of The Mummy Returns," Kalli told her, a hearty laugh in her voice.
"And he did?"
"Uh huh."
Lindsey grinned, "And what did he get for his efforts?"
Having watched the entire exchange from across the room, Matt laughed, finally adding his own two cents worth to the conversation, "The chance to make Kalli wear the wig..."
Lindsey shook her head, surprised at how little a thing that seemed, "Is that all?"
Still laughing, Matt nodded, "The chance to make Kalli wear the wig and nothing else..."
The memory drifted from the eldest Hardy Boys mind and he shook his head, trying to clear it. Every now and then something he and Kalli would say or do would trigger something else... Something old...
It was hard.
For years they had been friends, and throughout that entire time, she had loved Jeff just as he had loved Krissy. And so all their memories together were memories of other loves, of other lives.
And some days those memories haunted him because he knew...
For Kalleasto McMahon, they were not quite memories yet.
“He’s a part of you.” Pain welled up in him, “You still love him.”
“I do,” Kalli told him gently, “But I love you too, Matty. My life is with you. And... I won’t lie, it’s not easy, just walking away from Jeff, it’s not. I lived and breathed him and it’s over, and I have to learn to live my life again without that.” She cupped his face gently in her hands, “Don’t you still love Krissy?”
Again the Hardy Boy nodded, “But...”
“But?” She whispered.
“I always had to share her heart, Kalli. And I think that’s what makes it that bit easier. It’s helped me accept that she’s gone. That I’ll never be with her again.” He whispered, “But for you... When Jeff was yours, he was all yours.” He sighed, “I can’t imagine how hard that is for you now.”
“It’s not hard,” she smiled, “Because I have you.”
He sighed.
"Because I have you..."
How he wanted to believe that was true, but everything in him told him it was not. Not yet.
One day?
One day it would be.
But until then...
She ached for what she had lost, didn't she?
He sighed inwardly.
"Earth to Mattykins?" The girl grabbed his chin gently, yanking his eyes down to meet hers, "Anyone in there?"
He smiled seductively, trying to cover his drifting off with his adoring tone, "Wanna find out?"
Kalli grinned, "You slut," creeping onto her tip toes to kiss him again.
"You know, if not for at least ONE member of this family being reliable I would be doing ten damn trips to the car," came Gilbert Hardy's voice as he stepped into the kitchen with an armload of groceries, Jeff with an armload of his own following in behind him. Gilbert put the groceries down and shook his head at the twosome, still locked in a loving cuddle, "You two..."
The girl chuckled, "Daddy-O, you're gonna wag your finger at me, aren't you?"
"Don't tempt me." He smiled softly at her, pulling a packet of toilet rolls from the bag and tossing them at Matt. "Wanna put those away seeing you don't know how to carry groceries?"
And Matt hesitated. His arms now free of Kalli from moving to catch the toilet rolls, he cast a little look down at her, not surprised to see her eyes on Jeff.
"Hey Jeffy," to her credit she remained standing by Matt, but her attention was definitely not his. "What are you doing invading us?"
"Uh, well..." Jeff fidgeted slightly, "I was hoping we could talk."
The girl shrugged non chalantly, "Sure." She stepped around the bench, "Come on, we'll go out to the porch." She cast a look over at Matt, blowing him a little kiss, "Be right back, baby."
He looked after her. Still. Silent.
"Let it go, Matt."
The Hardy Boy turned, his eyes meeting his father's, he barely whispered, "What?"
Sorting through the groceries, Gilbert told him softly, "This jealousy thing you have." He shook his head, turning to put the milk and eggs into the refrigerator, "Whatever Kalli and Jeff had before, she's made her choice to be with you."
"Dad..."
Matt started softly, but Gilbert cut him off, "Matt. I know she's having trouble dealing with the loss of Jeff, but Jeff married Krissy, and Kalli chose to be with you. They're not a threat to each other anymore," he locked his eyes on Matt's, "And your brother is not a threat to you." He whispered, "So let it go."
"It's not that simple, Dad..."
Again Gilbert cut him off, "Isn't it?" His face set seriously, the gravity of his words on his face, "Or are you looking for an excuse to hide behind so she won't see how insecure you really are..." He added meaningfully, "About yourself?"
Anger flared up in Matt Hardy's eyes, "You have no idea, Dad." He turned to make his way from the room, "You have no idea."
Gilbert watched him storm away, shaking his head, musing quietly to himself.
Would nothing ever be simple for his boys?
~*~
Chapter II
The twosome stepped out onto the porch of the North Carolinian home, the Hardy Boy the first to sit down on the seat that hung sturdily from the inside of the roof.
He couldn't lie. He felt awkward.
His purpose in coming here today had been simple. For too long now he had watched Krissy while her eyes scanned over the remnants of Kalli's belongings in their home, her hurt filling her sweet face every time.
And though he didn't want to push Kalli, couldn't even bare to in fact...
The time had come. She had to come collect her things from the house.
He gave the girl a sweet smile, motioning for The McMahon Heiress to sit next to him...
But the girl paused. Looking at the wooden patch beside him as though sitting on it would be the same as stepping off the face of a cliff.
He chuckled softly, "I don't bite," he told her.
His chuckle warmed her heart and she smiled softly, her voice playful, "That's not exactly the way I remember it."
The chuckle erupted into a laugh and he shrugged, "Come on, Kalli." And though she still hesitated a moment, she moved over to sit down beside him, each move she made very slow, very careful, as though she might touch him...
As though that might be the worst thing in the world.
"Since when have you been all scared of me?" He asked softly, tinges of hurt in his voice.
Without missing a beat, Kalli snapped softly, tiredly, "Since you married my sister."
His face fell a little, "Kalli..."
The girl sighed, "Don't..." She shook her head at him, managing a soft smile, "I mean... I'm meant to be all happy for you, right? It's meant to be all good."
Jeff nodded.
She was right. That was how it was meant to be.
But even the slightest glimpse he had caught of the pain that had just flashed into her eyes as she spoke told him that she was not all happy for him and things were not all good.
It had been a crazy couple of months for Kalleasto McMahon and Jeff Hardy. If you had asked him just three months ago where he would be right then and there, he would have told you that he would be here in Cameron, North Carolina, all right. But he would be here with Kalli. They would be together, and everything would be fine.
Nothing had turned out the way he had thought it would.
But at least he could take comfort in the fact that for him, everything really was fine.
It was Kalli that worried him.
"How are you, Kalli?" He whispered softly.
The girl shrugged, fidgeting with the ring on her left index finger, her eyes locked on her hands. "You know..." She barely whispered.
"I don't," he told her. "Tell me."
She shrugged again, feeling awkward and loathing it. She missed the days when the words came easy when she was with Jeff, the days when it was...
But that was gone.
"I'm good." She told him quietly, "Everything's good, really." She looked up for the briefest of seconds before continuing, "My work with Tia is going well, and Stacy..." She laughed softly, "Well, we won't get into that," she went on, "But Daddy has started to sit up and take some notice, and maybe if I play my cards right, I'll be back in the WWF one day this lifetime."
He nodded, "That's good." He reached out, gently taking her hand, "But that wasn't what I wanted to know."
Her hand in his, she started to tremble, "Jeff..."
He leant forward, his eyes locked on her downcast face, "How are you, Kalli? Please..."
"I'm good," she told him ever so softly, honesty dancing in her words, "Matt and I are good." She looked up, hints of fire in her eyes, "It's not all lovey dovey crap and happy happy joy joy, but it's good. We get along so well and everything works, everything clicks... I love him..." And though she knew she should stop there, the words kept coming.
Slowly, painfully...
"And then I see you, and my heart gets broken all over again."
Hurt by the agony he could hear in the words, pain filled Jeff Hardy. "Kalli..." He cooed, gently squeezing her hand, "I'm s..."
"Don't," she snapped, looking up at him, their eyes locking together in an intense gaze. "Don't be sorry," she whispered. "It's not your fault, Jeff. In some ways, I don't really believe it's anybodies anymore..." She smiled softly, "It's just how it is. Time, fate, love... They separated us. They took us away from each other, they lead us to places we never thought we'd be." She shrugged, "But here we are." She told him meaningfully, "Don't ever be sorry."
"Kallikins," he whispered, smiling warmly, "You sure got noble down pact." The girl laughed softly at this and his smile deepened. He was grateful when her lips curled into a matching smile. "I haven't seen that aimed at me for a while."
She nodded, "Yeah... I guess I haven't had too many reasons to be smiling at you of late." She sighed, "Jeffy... I hate that things are like this now. That we... We struggle... Even to be friends." She whispered, looking away, "I miss you," and though she knew the meaning in it ran far deeper than friendship, she was unable to keep from telling him the truth.
It made her feel guilty as hell.
But there were always going to be those moments where she looked back and remembered how happy she had been before... How happy he made her...
And that was what made it so very hard to let him go...
"I miss you, too."
Kalli looked up.
That made it harder still.
"But you're happy, right?" She asked softly, her voice a touch desperate, "With Krissy? She makes you happy, right?"
And when he whispered, "Yes," relief filled her.
It was easy to keep away if he was happy, if he was loved...
But if he wasn't?
She shook her head. She would never find out.
Silence surrounded them for a few moments and the two simply sat, quiet, content, before Kalli eventually pulled her hand away from Jeff's, running her fingers through her short hair, taking a deep steadying breath, feeling that awkwardness creeping in on her again.
"So..." She whispered.
He watched her, her reddened hair falling elegantly from her fingers as she pulled them away. "So?"
She smiled softly, "Why'd you really come here, Jeffy?"
Despite himself, a grin touched his face. She knew him far too well, didn't she? He chuckled, "What? Can't I just visit when I wanna?"
The McMahon Heiress shook her head, "You came here to speak to me," she shrugged, "And somehow I think the conversation we just had was not exactly planned." She looked into his eyes, reading him, "You want something."
He looked away, pouting slightly, "I do not..."
She giggled, "Spill."
His smile faded.
And somehow, someway, Kalleasto McMahon knew.
Hurt filled her voice yet again, "You want me to come get my gear from the house, don't you?" He nodded shamefully, and though she wanted to cry, she told him softly, "That's okay."
Surprised at how strong she sounded as she spoke those words, he looked up at her... But the moment he saw her eyes he knew that she was not feeling so strong. Her determination to keep her tears at bay was crumbling, but she was holding on. "Kalli..."
But the girl spoke over him, "When would be okay?" She tried to keep her voice as level as possible, "If it's okay... I'd kinda rather do it when Krissy isn't home..." He moved to reach out to her, and sensing the move she stood, moving to sit opposite him on the porch railing, "Maybe I could stop by after you guys head out on Friday."
Hurt that she had moved away from him, he nodded, "Yeah. That would be okay."
"Good," she folded her arms, nodding...
And silence surrounded them again.
Jeff watched her as her gaze fell to the porch floor, her newly cut hair falling into her face. It was hard for her. Too hard.
He would give anything to make it easier for her.
But there was nothing left that Jeff Hardy could do for Kalleasto McMahon.
He was married. He was happy.
And though she struggled now, he knew like she did, one day she and Matt would be happy.
He nodded to himself.
Yeah.
They would.
He climbed to his feet, "I should get going. Kris and Anna are cooking dinner." She looked up at him, managing a half hearted smile, "Pasta, I think."
"Mmmm," she managed softly, "Maybe we should invade you guys for dinner."
He chuckled softly, "If you want..." But he knew she would never. "Anyway..." The two exchanged a long, awkward gaze, and then he sighed, moving down the front steps and slowly starting to walk away.
The girl turned, clutching the railing before her and watching him, a tear slipping from her eyes. She took a deep breath, and another, and another, steadying herself, and then she moved to the front door.
As it creaked open she heard her name and she looked back to where Jeff was walking. He had paused to look at her, a smile on his face. "I just wanted to tell you..."
She looked back at him, confusion marring her gentle features, "Yeah?"
"I love your hair."
Despite herself, a sincere smile touched Kalleasto McMahon. She shook her head, giggling as she stepped inside...
He looked after her a moment, his smile playing out into the kind of grin that he was sure took up his whole face.
And then Jeff Hardy turned to head home to his loving wife.
~ The End ~