All You Wanted

I wanted to be like you

I wanted everything

So I tried to be like you

And I got swept away

Paul Levesque turned the New York Times he was holding over in his hands, ignoring its headlines as his sad eyes skimmed over it, a forlorn sigh escaping him.

He was grasping at straws now.

Back in his hotel room, a heartbroken girl lay, no doubt still spread out on the bed, her brown eyes locked on the gorgeous view outside his window, but her gaze lost deep in nothingness. She had stopped crying on the drive to Rockford, and though that should come as some relief, in this case it did not. Tears meant pain, tears meant she was feeling that pain...

Feeling meant there was hope.

If she did not cry, if she did not yell and scream and let it all out, then the picture of bland misery that she had been over the past few hours might remain.

How he feared that image.

Kalleasto McMahon had loved him, and had been loved in return, for almost 8 years now. She had grown from a shy, sweet little girl into a courageous, loving woman practically standing right there in his arms. He had seen every tiny development... Every crush that ran awry, every success, every failure... Every love.

Jeff, and then Matt.

And though there were times when her heart broke, when her will to go on faltered into near non-existence, she fought on because nothing could drive the fight from Kalli.

He had tried talking to her, but she would not answer. He had tried to draw her attention, but she paid none. The only thing she seemed to be aware of was his presence when he held her. Then she would melt into him, he could only hope she was then safe in the knowledge she was loved.

But even that drew little from her...

He rounded the corner of the hallway, heading back toward his room, not at all surprised when he saw a figure leaning against the wall opposite it. He had been expecting him hours ago before they had even left the last town...

“You’re late, you know.”

Jeff Hardy’s eyes snapped up from where they were locked on the carpeted floor, meeting Paul’s. “Hey,” he said softly, concern, pain, deeply embedded into his voice.

The Game flashed an understanding smile at the Hardy Boy, “I thought we’d see you back in (city).”

“So did I...” Jeff managed a smile, “But you guys went for the fast getaway.”

Paul nodded, “Yeah.” His voice softened, “Kalli wanted to get the hell outta Dodge.” He put a hand in his pocket, feeling around for his key card. “I knew you’d come.”

Jeff arched an eyebrow at him, “Am I that predictable?”

“Only when it comes to Kalli...” He laughed softly and Jeff grinned at this, knowing his friend’s words to be true. “Damn,” he groaned, “I’m always losing these damn key cards...” He handed the paper to Jeff, “Hold this, will ya?”

Taking the paper, Jeff turned it over in his hands, “For Kalli?” He asked.

“Yeah... I was hoping some house hunting would stop her sitting there like...” He sighed. Jeff was about to speak when he let out a little, “Gotcha,” pulling the key card from the pocket inside his jacket. He zapped it, “Come on in, Jeff,” before opening the door. He whispered at the younger man, “Just keep it down a bit, she might’ve fallen asleep while I was gone.”

Nodding his understanding, Jeff stepped into the room after Paul, closing the door behind him. “How is she?” He asked quietly, fully expecting the worried look that the older man gave him.

“I gotta tell you, Jeff, straight up...” He shook his head, pain in his eyes, “She’s a mess.” He paused, struggling, “I mean...” Paul sighed, “Hell, I’ve seen her at rock bottom before but I’ve never seen her quite like this. When I first found her, she was crying, man. Just crying her heart out, and she didn’t stop for hours. I got her gear together and brought her here with me and she cried nearly the entire drive.” He stopped, his face falling all the more.

“And then?” Jeff whispered.

Paul shook his head again, “Then she just stopped. It’s like she just locked up and she can’t do anything. She won’t talk to me, won’t look at me...” He reached out, patting Jeff’s arm, “I’m hoping you might have more luck.”

Jeff shrugged slightly at this. He could try, and hell, he damn well would. But for all he knew, he might be the last person Kalli wanted to see right now. If she felt anything like he about everything that had happened, he knew it would be her disdain for the little games they had all been playing this last six months that would shine through. He was as guilty as Krissy and Matt... As Kalli even, of playing with people’s hearts, his own included.

He could wish all he liked for things to be different, could pray for years on end to go back to the moment he would now forever pinpoint as the true breaking point of he and Kalli and stop time so it never happened, but still it would...

"Kalli... I mean it. I'm not gonna hurt you anymore..."

"*THIS* hurts me!" She snapped, angry in her hurt, "This hurts me worse than worrying about you ever could... Please, Jeff... Please..."

The younger Hardy shook his head, "No, Kalli. I'm sorry." A few more tears escaped him, trickling mournfully down his face as he told her softly, sad certainty in his voice, "It's over."

A sob escaped her and she pressed a hand over her mouth as though trying to hide it. "I..." Another sob escaped her and she shook her head, "I love you..." More sobs escaped her as she struggled to ask in a tiny voice, "Don't you love me?"

He looked away, "Sometimes that's not enough, Kalli."

He shook his head. God damn it, it should have been.

He was a fool. And that foolishness had eventually driven her to Matt. To the one person who had never let her down...

Except that now, Matt had let her down most of all.

It was not just a boyfriend Kalli had lost today, not just a friend... It was a soul mate.

“Jeff?” The Hardy Boy’s eyes again crossed Paul Levesque’s face and the man asked him, “Are you okay? I mean... Your wife...”

He sighed, “My wife...” He shook his head, “My wife is quite probably where she should have always been.”

“And you?” He asked gently.

Jeff smiled distantly, “I’ll figure it out.” He cast a glance across the room, “That’s the bedroom through there, right?” Paul nodded and the Hardy went to move off, but a hand snapped around his arm. He paused, looking back to Paul, the older man about to speak when Jeff cut him off, reading Paul’s face like an open book. “I just wanna be there for her.”

“That’s never been all you wanted from Kalli,” he smiled gently, but his tone was a warning in itself, “Don’t fuck with her head today, Jeff. Don’t move in on her to appease your own pain. It won’t make it better if you two just take up with each other because suddenly you can...”

His face hardened, “Paul.” His eyes narrowed, the offence taken to Paul’s words evident, “I would never do that to her,” he leant forward slightly, “And you know it.”

Despite his fierce determination to protect Kalli from further heartache, shame flushed The Game’s face and he nodded, lowering his voice, his words knowing. “I do. I just...”

“I know.” Jeff gave him a warm smile. “She’s safe with me.” Realizing he still held the New York Times he had taken for Paul, he handed it to him. Paul nodded in response, letting go of Jeff’s arm, watching him as he moved away.

“She’s safe with me.”

He sighed. God’s honest truth, it was probably the only place she had ever been.

I didn’t know that it was so cold

And you needed someone to show you the way

So I took your hand and we figured out that

When the tide comes I’d take you away

The girl pressed into his arms, resting her head on his chest, her attention once again drawn to the fireworks. “So...” She asked as she watched, “Any New Years Resolutions?”

“Just one.” He told her, tilting her face up to his to kiss her softly, “To wake up and be able to do that every morning.”

The McMahon Heiress blushed, “Matty.”

Kalleasto McMahon’s eyes snapped open.

Every time she closed them, every time her exhausted body cried out for sleep and she tried in vain to deliver, her mind would wander...

She kept seeing him in her head. Kept seeing him love her and adore her and tell her they were going to be together, that they were going to make it work.

And then she would watch him walk away...

“Matty...” She whimpered, “Please... Please don’t...”

He shook his head at her, pulling her into his arms, whispering, “Kalli, I want to be with her. I didn’t realize it, I didn’t know... But I do now.”

Weakly, no other defence coming to her, she told him pitifully again, “But I love you.”

God, how she loved him.

This was supposed to be forever. This was supposed to be for keeps.

And now it was gone.

She took a deep breath, waiting...

But the tears wouldn’t come. They were there. She could feel them, and the numb ache of the pain that was clawing throughout her, burying itself as deeply as it could, desperate not to be felt, not to be even acknowledged.

She was a fool. She had believed in love, believed in forever. Two things that she had never believed in growing up, never dared to dream existed. Until Matt and Jeff had come into her life.

Yet today, here she was. Broken... But with clarity finally staring her straight in the eye. Laughing at her, taunting her.

Everything she loved. Everything she believed in.

Lies that could never be taken back, that could never be erased...

But whatever it cost her, she would try to bar them from her heart for all eternity.

She welcomed the emptiness slowly taking her, the void that was becoming her heart. She would never love again, never even want to. She would stand here on this world the rest of her days...

And she would stand alone.

She jumped, turning to gaze over her shoulder, “Jeff?”

“Hey,” was all he could think to say. He smiled, keeping his voice light as he stepped over to the bed, moving around it to sit beside her where she lay.

Confused, the girl shook her head, “What are you doing here?”

Surprise filtered onto Jeff’s face. Surely she had known he would come. He always came to her when she hurt, he always would.

“I came to see you,” he told her weakly.

“Why?” She asked.

His surprise only deepening, he murmured, “Kalli...”

And though her voice was angry, her eyes were devoid the fire that usually burned inside her so brightly that even people who did not know her could see it. “Don’t you have elsewhere to be? I’m sure Krissy needs comforting...”

A little hurt, and trying to reason with her he supposed, he shot back gently, “She has Matt for that now. Remember?”

“Oh, yeah.” Kalli rolled onto her back to stare pitifully up at the ceiling. “That’s right. They’re still in love.” Venom drowned her usually warm tone as she whispered, “Love... What a joke.”

“I know you don’t mean that.”

She snapped at him as his words started to drift away, “Don’t I?” She sat up in the bed, hugging her knees to her chest, her eyes locking on his, “Look around Jeff. LOOK! There’s nothing. There’s nothing here. Just...” To her surprise, and perhaps even his, she choked up at this, her eyes glazing with the makings of tears, “Just lies.” She whispered, “It’s all lies.”

Compassion filled his face and he leant forward, resting a hand against her cheek, his thumb stroking back and forth lazily, the girl instantly, subconsciously, melting into his touch. “Not all of it.”

“But he left me...” She whispered, barely audible as her eyes welled up with tears, the first slipping down her cheek. Her jaw dropped slightly and she reached up a hand, gently wiping the tear away with her fingertips, the wet of it against her fingers feeling strange, unfamiliar.

She was feeling. She was hurting.

“I don’t want this,” she whispered, turning away from him to lay back on the bed, this time on her stomach so her face was buried in the pillow. “I don’t want any of this,” came her muffled words.

Jeff sighed, gently placing a hand on her back, rubbing attentively. “Kalli, I’m so sorry...”

“Why?” She turned her head slightly so her words could be heard more clearly, “Because you have to live without your beloved Krissy? Because everyone loves Krissy and you had her and lost her?” Desperate to drive away her hurt with anger she rushed on, “I wouldn’t worry, Jeff. Krissy is about as loyal as a concubine. You’ll be fucking her again inside a week.”

“That’s enough,” he snapped at her. “Jesus, Kalli...” His voice softened, his own pain flooding him, “You’re not the only one hurt by all of this.”

And she had just struck out at the one person she should never.

A tiny sob broke from the girl and she whispered, “I’m sorry...” She slowly sat up again, her eyes meeting his, “I’m sorry...”

He smiled lovingly, “It’s okay.” But she did not stop apologising and he chuckled warmly, “Come here...” He pulled her into his arms, the girl instantly fell into them, her head on his chest, tucked softly beneath his chin. Her tears leaving wet little splatter marks all over his shirt as she continued to cry softly, “Man, I’m meant to be comforting you and I’m only making it worse.”

She sniffled, “Is that why you came here?” Her voice was a whisper, “You came to comfort me?” He nodded and she sobbed softly again, somehow surprised by his kindness, deeply touched by it.

“Kalli,” he told her earnestly, “No matter what happens, you know I’m here. You know it.” He kissed her hair, gently stroking his fingers through it as he cuddled her tightly. “I know its going to be hard... With Krissy and Matt... And when their baby is born...” He started to whisper, “But we can...”

Kalli’s sobs halted, her voice little more than a painful choke, her face pale, “Their baby?”

“Oh, God...” He stammered.

Matt hadn’t told her. Matt hadn’t told her about the baby.

“The baby...” She gulped hard, “The baby is Matt’s?”

Jeff nodded, “I’m sorry.”

A whimper escaped the girl and she sobbed again. As the seconds past, the sobs came harder, the tears faster, and Jeff was unable to do anything but hold her, cooing softly, “It’s okay, Kalli, it’s okay... Ssshhh... I’m here...”

But her pain was not lessened any by his presence because...

And Krissy was having his baby.

Realization touched the girl’s face.

I’m sinking slowly so hurry hold me

Your hand has my hand to keep me hanging on

Please can you tell me so I can finally see

Where you go when you’re gone

Kalli paused, a sob catching in her throat, damn near choking her. She pulled away from Jeff, sitting up right on the bed, all the facts rushing together in her head.

Matt had left her and Krissy was having his baby.

A hopeful smile danced onto her face, “That’s it,” she stammered excitedly.

Concerned, somehow knowing what Kalli would be thinking, Jeff spoke her name softly, “Kallikins...”

Reading him, she looked up, “No...” She shook her head, “No, Jeff. That’s it. That’s it! He didn’t leave me because he doesn’t love me. He didn’t leave me for her.” She nearly giggled, “He left me for the baby. He’s trying to do the right thing...”

Jeff started, but the girl was already off the bed, pacing by it, toying with the ring on her left index finger as she moved, her words falling from her lips so quickly he could barely keep up. “He only left me because... Because he’s Matty... And Matty does the right thing... No matter what, ‘coz... ‘Coz that’s the kinda guy he is. That’s why I love him... It’s... It’s his baby and so he’s gonna be there, right? He’s gonna wanna take care of Krissy and the baby... And... And that’s why he left. He loves me. He still loves me. And he didn’t wanna leave me... I know he didn’t... So... All I have to do is make him see... He... He can be there. He can be there for the baby, and he can still be with me.” She looked to Jeff, “Right? I mean, Adam was gonna do it. Adam would. And Adam is like.. So not Matt. And if Adam could do it, then Matty can. And Matty can be with me...”

Climbing from the bed, Jeff grabbed her arm, “Kalli, listen to me...”

“No! I’ve listened enough!” She shook her head at him, staring up into his eyes, fierce determination on her face, “I love him, Jeff. I gave up everything that I loved before for him. To be with him...” She took a deep breath, her body trying to recover the air she had used for her rant, “He wouldn’t just leave me. He wouldn’t. Our whole lives brought Matt and I together, Jeff.”

The Hardy Boy grimaced at this, her words stabbing him deeply.

No matter how much time had passed since she had left him to be with Matt, the reminder that they had shared something so deep, so amazing, and that she had up and left it behind for someone else, someone she evidently loved more, still broke his heart...

But watching her dig her own grave shattered it all the more.

“Kalli, you need to listen to me. Matt...”

“Why are you so willing to just let them do this? Why, Jeff? When you’re married to her, why are you just going to let her go?”

He told her truthfully, “Because it’s what she really wants. Because it’s how it’s supposed to be.”

“No,” she shook her head stubbornly, “It’s not because Matt is supposed to be with me. He is! Jeff...” She struggled to put her belief into words, “The way that I love you... I would never have left that if Matt and I weren’t meant to be...” She smiled wistfully, “I’m gonna make him see he doesn’t have to do this. He doesn’t have to go...” The words trailed away when he body snapped back and forth, Jeff’s hands on her arms, shaking her. Her eyes filled with shock and she looked up at him, “Jeff...”

“For fuck’s sake, listen to me!” He snapped. “I saw Krissy! I saw how determined she was! Matt isn’t just leaving her for that baby, Kalli. He wants to be with her! He loves her!”

Hurt, the girl shook away from him, “That’s not true!”

“You know it is!” He snapped, “You’re in so much pain right now that you’re denying what you know is true. If Matt loved you half as much as he thought he did, he would never leave you. Not for Krissy, not for their baby...”

“No!” The girl sobbed, her hope faltering, “Jeff...”

“I’m telling you the truth!” He screamed at her, pain and love in his voice. He took a deep breath, tears falling onto his cheeks, his voice falling into a whisper, “Please Kalli... I’m telling you the truth.”

She stood there before him, shaking, sobbing softly, barely able to breathe, her mind a whirl. She whimpered honestly, “Then if that’s the truth, I don’t want it.” She shook her head, barely able to whisper, “I want back the lies.” She sobbed again, her defences completely breaking down, the last semblances of all control leaving her, “I want him back. I want him back...”

Jeff stepped forward, taking her into his arms, crying, shaking himself, but his hold on her strong. “Kalli, I’m so sorry, I am...” He cooed over her, gently stroking her hair. “God...” He clenched his eyes closed a moment against the pain filling him, “I never want you to hurt like this. Never.” He kissed her forehead, taking hold of her face gently, tilting her chin up so their tearful eyes met, “I’m sorry, Kalli. I wanted you to be happy. I always wanted you to be happy...” Overcome by his own emotions, he told her without thinking, “That’s why I never chased you... When you left... I wanted you to have what you wanted most. I wanted you to have Matt, and I honestly wanted it to work out.” He shook his head, “Baby, I’m sorry... If I had known that he would do this to you, I would never have let you go.” He struggled with his emotions, “I would have held you right there where I wanted you to belong... With me...”

Somehow the girl managed to whisper, “It’s not your fault...” She placed a hand against his cheek, her heart suddenly pounding. He was there. Right there. So beautiful. So loving. Her eyes crept over his gorgeous features, the tears in his hazel eyes, the gentle curl of his lips.

How easy it would be to just lean forward in that moment and press her lips to his. To kiss him just the way she used to. To take comfort in him and comfort him in return.

But she didn’t have it in her.

No matter how much she might crave his touch, desperate to have back those old feelings of love, that safety she had always found in him before she had realized she was in love with Matt...

She couldn’t do it.

She wouldn’t run from man to man a moment longer. When she had left Jeff, she had taken things with Matt as slow as possible... But their relationship had already gone too far and she could not delay the inevitable. The moment they were together...

Jeff didn’t need it. And neither did she.

A kiss, no matter how small, would just create them more problems.

And as far as Kalleasto McMahon was concerned, she had enough already.

Leaning forward, she rest her head on his chest, cuddling him tightly.

Jeff sighed softly at this. He had seen it in her eyes. She’d wanted to kiss him, and God help him, he had wanted to kiss her right back.

He smiled softly, proud as he stroked her hair again.

She was being brave. She was doing the right thing.

And though she really was falling apart right now, her actions in that single moment had reminded him how strong she was, how much fight she had in her. It would take time, it would hurt like hell, but she’d do it.

“Kalli?” He whispered as she cried, “No matter what...” He squeezed her a little tighter. “I’m right here.”

She sobbed softly at this, moved.

He didn’t have to be there. He didn’t have to give a damn.

“I love you, Jeffy,” she whispered.

Choked up, he managed to whisper back, “I love you.” He kissed her hair again, “I’m always here for you.” She simply nodded in response, still crying in his arms. After a few minutes he sighed softly, “I think you need to lay down a while... Get some sleep...”

“I can’t...” She told him, “I can’t...”

“Why?” He asked gently.

“Because I see him... When I close my eyes... I remember things... And... It hurts...” She looked up at him, “I don’t want to close my eyes.”

He smiled gently, pulling her over to the bed and laying her down on it. She looked up at him, hurt that he had not heeded her words...

Until he lay down beside her and pulled her into his arms. “Close your eyes.”

And though reluctant, she did so.

“Let me tell you a story.” She sniffled at this, a tiny smile touching her face. He paused before going on, struggling to keep his voice level, his emotions overcoming him again, “It’s called Hearts and Ladders...”

The girl’s eyes darted open, locking on his. “Jeffy...”

“Hear me out,” he smiled, “Because I think you need to hear it. I think you need to remember how far you’ve come...”

“But...” She shook her head softly, “Hearts and Ladders is our story...”

He cut her off gently, “No.” His smile deepened, “It’s yours. It’s always been yours.” He ran his fingertips over her face tenderly, “I’m just along for the ride.” He cuddled her again, “Now close your eyes...”

She protest a moment, “Jeff...”

“Technically this girl’s story started back in the 70’s in Australia,” he spoke over her, giving her no choice but to listen to him. “But the really juicy bits started when she was 16...”

Kalli sighed, shaking her head. “Jeffy?” He looked to her, “While you’re telling me this story, you don’t think you could tell me how it’s going to end, could you?”

“The only thing I know about the end,” he told her, “Is that we’re both gonna be there.” She smiled at this and he growled playfully, “Now close your eyes and shut up already so I can tell you this story.” She obeyed with another smile and he began, “Once upon a time...”

She pouted, “I never start my stories like that...”

“You mind?” He snapped teasingly. She fell silent again, “So... Once upon a time there was this girl...”

And as she listened, relaxed, comforted, safe in Jeff Hardy’s arms, sleep finally came to Kalleasto McMahon.

I can take you away from here

And all you wanted was somebody who cares

All you wanted was somebody who cares

If you need me you know I’ll be there...