Yeah, yeah. Hardy ha ha ha....
This page is basically a muck-around page. I'll put things here that I think are pretty funny. Whether or not you think they're humourous is a different story though, and one which I'm not gonna read too much into.... so if you laugh at these jokes, then all glory and honour to you. If not, then go visit disney's site or something, I don't care...J
(Not too dirty...not too
nice)
The Butler Did It
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they
advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to
do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour and a half,
the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that
she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next
day.The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more
hours to meet some very important people.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on
the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She
then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward
and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress".
The butler looked up at her, smiled sheepishly and slowly but
surely removed her dress.
"Now take off my bra."
So he undid the clasp of her bra and removed it, with a playfull
smile dancing on his lips.
"Next remove my shoes and stockings."
The butler took both shoes in his hands and removed them. He then
reached up and slowly slid down his boss's stockings.
"Now remove my garter belt and panties"
Finally, he slid them down and blushed, a devilish smile spread
across his face.
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a soft, sensual voice,
said,
"The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're
fired!!"
There is this little boy about 12 years old
walking down the sidewalk pulling a wagon and dragging a dead and
flattened puppy on a string behind him, when he comes up to the
doorstep of a whorehouse.
He knocks on the door and the madam comes to answer it, sees him
and asks what he wants. He says he wants what she is
selling inside, and has the money to buy it and isn't leaving
until he gets it. She thinks she could have some fun with
him, so she tells him to come in.
Once he gets in, she tells him to pick one of the girls he
likes. He asks her if any of the girls have any diseases
and, of course, the madam says no.
He tells her he has heard all the men in town talking about
having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with
Mable, and she is the girl he wants and he has the money to pay
for it.
The madam tells him to go upstairs and go to the first room on
the right. So he heads down the hall dragging the puppy behind
him. Ten minutes later, he comes back down still dragging
the puppy.
He pays the madam, picks up his wagon and starts to head out the
door. The madam stops him and asks him just why he picked the
only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of
the others.
He replies, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get
home, my mother and father are going out to a restaurant to eat,
leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I
am going to make love to the baby-sitter and give her the disease
I just caught. When mom and dad get home, dad will take the
baby-sitter home and, on the way, he will make love to her and he
will catch it. When dad gets home, he and mom will go to
bed and they will make love and mom will catch it. In the
morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk
and he will make love to mom and he will catch it, and
HE'S THE SON-OF-A-BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY PUPPY!!!!"
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them
for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the
sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The
vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will
know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they
will stop standing around and will instead, lay down and wallow
in the grass when they are
pregnant. The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He
comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has
to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck,
drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings
them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that
they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first
try didn't work, and loads them in the truck again. He drives
them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing
around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to
load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day
shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly
into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if
the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she
says,"they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the
horn.
A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive
hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks
up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices
there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a
bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last
night??".
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other
pocket of his gown. Again he thinks "what happened last
night, what have i done? must have been a wild party". He
openness the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the
mirror.
He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only
thought is "If there's a god, please let this be a tea
bag"
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the
pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy
some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here
until someone does?."
Two deaf people get married. During the first
week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate
in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't
see each other using sign language. After several nights of
fumbling around and
misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a
solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on
some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have
sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one
time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and
squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his
wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME,
reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want
to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty
times"
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his
doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the
illness is quite serious, but can be cured by inserting a
suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees and so the doctor
warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the
thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose
and tells
him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes
home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository
inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to
obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her
what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to
steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, "Arrgghhhh!"
"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt
you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that
when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting
nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water
glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office
after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not
say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary
with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A guy in a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank
with a shotgun.
"Open the fucking safe" he yells at the girl behind the
counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "we don't
have any money, this is a sperm bank".
"Don't argue, open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head
off"
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says
"Take out one of the bottles and drink it".
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
Don't argue, just drink it" he says.
She prises the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too" he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's
amazement it's her husband.
"There," he says "it's not that fucking difficult
is it!"
There's this guy who loves Harly Davidsons, and
he see's a real cheap one in the paper and goes to buy it. The
guy sells him the bike, and before leaving the ex-owner hands the
guy a jar of vaseline. He says "Here, it wont rust if you
smear some of this on when it rains!" The guy thanks him and
leaves...
Later that night the guy picks up his girlfriend and takes her to
her parents house. The woman says "What ever you do, don't
talk during dinner, or you'll have to do the dishes."
The guy agree's and goes inside the house, smiles, and proceeds
to the dining room where there must be near 50 different dishes
consisting of meats, poultry, salads, you name it, it was
probably there.
During dinner, the guy can't stand the silence so he decides to
try and get the parents to talk.
So he kisses his girlfiend, nothing.
So he feels her tits, nothing.
So he thinks to himself, "bugger this" and he fucks her
on the table right in front of the parents. Still nothing.
So he does the same with her mother.. kisses, feels, and
fucks..and still nothing.
Suddenly it starts to rain and the guy thinks to himself, 'Oh
shit, the bike!'. So he reaches into his pocket and gets
out the jar of vaseline...
The father looks at him and says "No chance! I'll do the
fuckin dishes!!"
A women was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommeded that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So, she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose. So she did. "Now, get down and crawl reery fass to other side of loom." So she did. Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vely bad, you haf Ed Zachary disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates." Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping
trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for
the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and
nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?", Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I
observe that
Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that
God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspectthat we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
"Watson, you prick. Some fucker has stolen our tent."
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A guy wakes up in the morning, groggy as all hell, and yawns and stretches. He gets up, walks over to the window and opens the curtains to let in the morning sunlight. He turns around and is startled when he sees, lying on the bed asleep, Claudia Schiffer! "What the...?", he thinks to himself," I don't remember sleeping with this gorgeous creature. Something's wrong here...". Confused, he left her to sleep and proceeded to walk downstairs, thinking that maybe a good cup of coffee would help clear his head.
As he pours himself a cup, he walks over to the fridge to grab the milk and instead finds only a briefcase. Confused, he places the briefcase on the table, opens it and is once again startled as it is filled with wads of $100 notes with the words 'ONE MILLION' written on a piece of paper, lying over the top of the cash. "What the...?",he gasps out loud," Something is definately wrong here.."
Suddenly he hears alot of shouting and yahooing outside on his front lawn. Curious, he looks out of his window and sees 10 or so Klu Klux Klan members, yelling and beckoning to him, circled around a tree with an empty noose hanging from one if it's branches. Just then he hears a groan from behind him. Spinning around, he is confronted with another surprise, as there lying on his kitchen floor, is a leprichan! So he helps the leprichan to his feet and says," Who the hell are you? And what the hell is going on here?"
The leprichan, clearly suffering from a hangover the size of Rosanne's ass, slowly gathers his thoughts and looks at the guy with a smile on his face.
"Don't you remember what happenned last night?" the leprichan asked the guy."No. Would you mind telling me what's going on?".
"Well, it's like this. I was staggering home, pissed as a fart, when I suddennly stumbled and fell face first on the road, while a truck was speeding towards me at a trillion miles an hour. Thinking this was probably it, you appeared out of nowhere, and pulled me to safety. Out of gratitude, I offered you three wishes. Your first wish was to sleep with a supermodel."
"Ok", says the guy,"That explains Claudia.
"The your next wish was for a cool million."
Ok,"says the guy,"That explains the money in the fridge. What about those idiots out on my front lawn?"
"Oh that," The leprichan replied," That was your last wish. You wanted to be hung like a black man..."
<Now, if you're offended by this joke, then fair enough, stop reading. I think jokes should have no boundaries, and poke fun at anyone and everyone, regardless if it's controversial. And yes, I am dark skinned...>
More to come, when I can be bothered putting them up ( Hey, I gotta be honest)
Ever felt like this is where you're talking out of?
Ahh, I see that
you're a funny guy..yeah right. Now take me home...