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Soul Explosion
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Soul Explosion.
When I think of my life before I met him, I think of a desert, dry and barren with only occasional signs of life. The vast space empty and lonely. My life just passing by me as if I was watching a parade. No excitement, no challenges. I let my life control me instead of controlling it.
Then he wrote his way into my life, challenging me to look at my life. Even if I were afraid of what I would see. I saw what he saw, a scared little girl who was terrified of the world. Afraid to let the wall she had built around her heart so many, many years ago, down.
He entered my life and slowly made a fissure in the barrier that protected me. The wall came crashing down and left me in the midst of confusion and unknown territory. When the dust cleared, I found myself bewildered by the Feelings I had. They baffled me, I had never felt this way, it was as if my heart had grown in size. My head and heart agreed, I love him, they chanted over and over. I didn?t want to believe it. I still wanted to run and hide. He wouldn?t let me, he made me go forward even if it was uncomfortable. I found myself telling everyone how I felt. I just couldn?t keep it in, it was like a boiling cauldron. The feelings screaming to get out and I let them.
Although it may be uncomfortable for him to hear, I just can?t seem to stop myself. In doing this, I may have made him feel as if he had to return the sentiment and by doing this I may have lost him. He is a cherished friend and even if he couldn?t love in the same way, I would rather have him as a friend and not a lover. Can the situation be rectified or am I fooling myself with wishful thinking. Do I step back and wait for him or do I approach him and try to clear the air, not mentioning how I feel. Letting him try and figure out what he feels or wants, living with the uncertainty of not knowing if he will call me again. My heart breaks at the thought that I may have pushed him away by my paranoia.
What should I do?
TLSHORT 07/01/99
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