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If marriage is an institution then I'm an inmate. As I write this I have been married for 28 years { thats 31 years with the wind chill factor }. My wife and I were just kids when we tied the knot. I'll never forget that first night in our new apartment. We had went to the grocery store and bought about $100.00 worth of groceries which was a fortune in 1970. But at dinnertime we realized that we hadnt even thought about pots and pans. So off we go to the local K-Mart and spend another $50.00 then got back home and realized that the only thing we knew how to cook was coffee. So we ended up at McDonalds instead. And I especially remember all those long romantic bubble baths which we would take together. Now unless they get the Titanic rebuilt there aint no tub big enough to hold us both at the same time. And I will admit that while the missus has put on a few pounds in the last 28 years, it is mostly me. I'm about 2 doughnuts away from my butt having its own zip code. I can just imagine if I ever bump into Richard Simmons. I can just see him bawling his eyes out as he hugs me. And I dont have to sweat to the oldies, hell I sweat when I put my socks on. And I now have a hard time squeezing into the booths at the Waffle House-and if you can no longer eat at the Waffle house, well is life even worth living anymore? I remember a few years back when I had surgery. The doctor told me that I probably wouldnt have an appetite for 3 or 4 days. He was right. After I ate the two Whoppers my friend brought me that night, I couldnt even finish the 2nd order of fries. Theres an all you can eat restaurant near my home and when they see me getting out of my car, they start setting up speed breakers in front of the buffett. So the question is, has marriage had anything to do with my weight problem? Well I wasnt fat when I married her , so I say yes. It has to be the marriage. I'm still a very active person. I walk all the way out to the mailbox 6 days a week to see if there are any food coupons or any new restaurant openings. And I wash my car about once a year and I know that has to burn calories. But I dont handle calories like normal people. I can look at a glass of water and gain 3 pounds. Its just not fair. Well I dont know how I got off the subject of marriage, but I guess I did. And I want to close by saying I just dont like skinny people. With that I gotta go. I think there might be one Twinkie left from the box I bought this morning-if not Wendys is open until midnight.
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