Have you ever wanted to be a customer in a grocery store, or any other store for that matter? Well, follow this quick list and you will be any cashier's favourite customer

If something doesn't scan, feel free to say "It's free!" It's something completely original that I've *never* heard before, and I am bound to laugh since you are the genius who first came up with it.

If I ask you what type of fruit you are buying, please say the price for it. That's all I need. I'll take your word for it. I don't need to look up the code, so the actual price will came up. I'll believe whatever you say it is, even if you did read the wrong sign.

Are you male? Please, stare at my breasts the whole time I am scanning your order through. I really don't mind being degraded and being treated as a sex object. I also don't mind if you pass three empty tills with male cashiers just to get to me. It doesn't bother me at all.

If I am standing at my till, facing you, smiling at you, greeting you with a friendly "Hi!", I will totally understand if you still feel the urge to say "Are you open?" It's absolutely understandable. Most cashiers generally stand there and greet customers while actually being closed. It's a little trick we like to play. So, if you want to make sure I'm open, go right ahead. At the same time, if I am away from my till, load up your groceries! Because if someone isn't there, the till must be open. But, if someone is there, and no sign is up, the till must be closed. That's the way it goes, right?

Let's pretend it's a busy day. Every single customer uses Interac. I'll still understand when you feel the need to ask "Do you have Interac?." You were busy yelling at your kids to stop running around the store, or staring at my breasts. I also understand that you've never been shopping to this store before, even though you are my next-door neighbour.

One thing I particularly like is when you send me for cigarettes, for example "A package of Large Players Light King". I bring you the package, exactly what you asked for, and then you say "Oh, no! Regular! And a carton!" You've had a hectic day, smoking cigarettes every three minutes to take your mind off things. I understand that they have rotted your brain so you don't even know which brand you are addicted to anymore.

When you ask me if we have any of one particular item, and I respond by saying "Hold on, I'll ask one of the guys", I *love* it when you say "You don't have any. There's no point asking". After all, you know the back storage area better then the guys who work there. I appreciate your help.

As I'm typing in the code for Bananas (4011 for my store), I never want to mock your stupidity when you say "Forty Dollars!" I understand why you would get confused. It doesn't say "bananas" on my till, and I'm waiting for it to ring it before I continue (so I'm standing there, doing nothing at the moment). I totally understand how you could mistake the code for the price. Two bananas regularly cost $40.

When I'm trying to carefully put your bags in your cart, please, please, grab them out of my hand and put them in haphazardly. And when your eggs break, call in and blame it on me. I don't mind. Really.

Speaking of carts, when you have a cart over-filled with groceries, I find it particularly enjoyable if, once you are done emptying the cart, you just park the cart where it is. I don't mind at all that I have no room to put anything else. I love when my counter is full of your food to such an extent I couldn't put an empty bag there, let alone a full one. I prefer you to keep the cart close to you, while I finish your order. Heaven forbid you actually load up the groceries. I don't want you to fill your cart up while I finish your order. I'll just start putting your groceries on the floor. I would stop to put your bags in your cart, but you are in a hurry, so I'm trying to finish the order as soon as possible.

Please, please, please haggle with me over the price of margarine. When you quickly glanced over the price tags, I know you read the right one, and when I went over to carefully examine each tag to get the correct price, I read the wrong one. I fully admit that. Even better, if you disagree and think I am wrong, go check again. The fact that there are six customers lined up behind you at the express desk doesn't matter. You are the only customer that matters.

When I'm at express (9 items or less), please bring over your cart full of 23 items. And when I nicely say "I'm sorry, this is express. Nine items and less, only", I expect you to say "I only have 11". When I quickly count and tell you that you, indeed, have 23, I would really enjoy it if you throw a hissy fit and demand to see my manager. After all, the customer is always right. Especially in areas of math, and cheating to benefit your own desires.

Does your kid, who was just a second ago drinking a king-size pop, while running around the store, have to go to the bathroom? Feel free to ask me if we have one. When I respond "Sorry, we don't have a public bathroom", I would really enjoy it if you were to scream at me, "Either you let my kid use your bathroom, or he'll go on the doorstep". After all, it's my store, and I care about that kind of thing. And I care about your kid and his bladder problems. It's the only thing I care about.

It's the first day of summer, and it's a scorcher. Please, come in and say "I bet you wish you were outside, don't you?", because that is just not true. I love catering to your every whim and desire. I love touching your food and putting it in bags exactly to your specifications. I would most assuredly not rather be at home, enjoying the sun.

I understand our receipts are a pain in the ass. So, feel free to walk away when I'm trying to hand you one. Or, better still, when I hand it to you with your change, wiggle and worm your way out of ever having to touch it.

Please, forget the one bag of food you purchased. I love being blamed because you weren't paying attention.

Was it payday today? Please, bring in your $500 cheque and expect me to cash it. I am a bank, after all.

It's nearly closing time. Five minutes away, in fact. I don't need to get home. I'd rather stand at my till, waiting for you while you slowly saunter around the store, filling a cart full with groceries. I don't mind being 20 minutes late for wherever it was I needed to go. I'd rather wait for you. I know, were conditions reversed, you wouldn't mind waiting for me.

If you forget your wallet after buying $200 worth of groceries, I really don't mind that you say you are going to return home to get it and will be back in a minute, and actually never plan on returning. There is nothing I prefer doing then returning your cart full of groceries to the shelf.

Please, on a busy Saturday afternoon, leave your cart right in front of my till, blocking it for any other customer to get through. I really don't mind. It doesn't hinder me, or slow me down at all! And, while I'm at it, I really love when you are at the till next to mine and put your basket on my till. I wouldn't want it to interfere with your groceries. Either would my customer. You always come first.

Please ask "Is this 10 pound box of really expensive sirloin steaks 50�? The sign says so." I don't mind explaining that the big, red "50�" was following a big, red "SAVE". It was last week the sirloins were 50�. Really. That's the usual cost for steaks.

Please, stare at my breasts. You have no idea how much that turns me on. To have you, dirty, unshaven, wearing clothes you bought in 1972 and haven't washed since that day, staring at me really makes me feel important.

Please tell me to double bag everything, no matter how light it is, because you are walking. Really, it doesn't matter how heavy the bag is, it's the distance you are walking. That single loaf of bread might decide to jump out of the bag halfway home. I hate when that happens.

And now, for something completely different. A choose your own adventure. You walk up to my till with a paper bag full of buns and I ask "What's in here?" You say :
a) kaisers"
b) 6
I'm psychic after all and can tell by look on your face the other answer to the question. Or, for something that is bound to make my day cheery and bright, respond "buns! buns!" when I become so detailed as to ask which buns you have.

When all I have left to scan in the order in front of yours is a single bag of milk (or, better yet, I've already scanned it, have said the total, and am ringing in the change, just haven't bagged it yet), put the dividing bar up. There's a chance I might not see the three feet of conveyer belt and grab your groceries by mistake. Alternately, hold the bar at the beginning of the belt, letting it run and run and run, to make sure I understand the order is finished. Once again, my saying the total and accepting payment is no sign that I know the order is complete.

After you come through my till with a cart full of groceries say "I only came for 2 items!" and proceed to laugh like a hyena.

Let your kids climb all over the till. It doesn't annoy me. I like it actually. Your kids are the cutest children I've ever seen. Especially that one with a giant ball of snot hanging out of his nose.

When you reach into your pocket to get out that penny, give me your pocket lint as well. I have a huge collection at home, and yours would join the pile perfectly.

If, at the last minute, you decide you don't need that cucumber, or that can of beans, just put it in the magazine rack next to my till. I much prefer that to you actually giving me the item and saying "I don't want this anymore". It's always a nice surprise to find a rotten cucumber that fell to the floor and rolled behind the till a week ago.

When you come with a basket full of groceries, just plant it on the till and let me get every item out of it. Heaven forbid you do it. It's really easy and accessable for me to reach in and get those two little lemmons at the bottom. I wouldn't want to interfere with you staring at my breasts.