April 16, 2001
C
Depressed. Confused. Sorting out my life. All good reasons as to why I haven't written in a blue streak.
It's not because I don't love airing my dirty laundry for the general public. If any of you care anyway. Most of this is for me. That's why I do it. That's why I do everything.
I dunno. I don't know about anything anymore. Sometimes I feel as free as a bird. And others I feel like a cloistered nun. When do I get to break out of my birthday cake. Is this the year when I finally feel adult enough to tell my mom and dad that I don't need a birthday cake? I doubt it.
But you never know. Maybe it will be. Only 19 more days. And then I turn 22. On the doorstep of adulthood and not counting birthdays anymore. On the doorstep of a world that doesn't give a shite what I do or how I feel.
Boy did I pick the wrong profession.
Part of my problem is that I've been a raw nerve lately. Everything everyone says to me cuts a lot deeper than they think. I'm not exactly tough skinned. I'm kind of a pathetic witch. No, I am a pathetic witch. I couldn't hex someone properly if Steve Graves did it for me. Wow, I suck. But I don't suck. And that's another one of my problems. My self esteem has plummeted. To the bottom. I've reached the bottom. The view is fine, but nothing matters. Nothing matters here. Well, except from which direction the next kick will come from.
If the bottom isn't so bad then how is the top?
April 17, 2001
C
Had some interesting dreams last night. Most of them were about Crew (the people I work with to get shows running on campus). There was lots of rigging and conferences and the such. Weird. Wonder what that was all about? (Sense the sarcasm)
I'm hoping the rest of today will be better than the last. We'll see.
April 18, 2001
C
The wee hours of the morning: Can I not be a human being?
I refuse to be nice anymore. You fuckers don't wanna talk to me? You know what? I'm not gonna waste my time anymore. I'm not going to play nicey nice while everyone else is cramming their godamn apathy down my throat. I refuse to care anymore.
Can't I be allowed to feel the ugly things every now and then? There is bad in the world and far be it for me to avoid it anymore. I'm not going to be everyone's friend because not everyone likes me or "knows how to deal with me." What the F-U-C-K is that? Don't know how to deal with me? Didn't know I was that much of a handful.
Mom, is it time for my bottle yet? Can you please change my diaper while we're at it? Thanks.
April 19, 2001
C
Wow, I'm funny when I'm angry.
And now that that is out of my system... I discovered the power of wording today. The thing I wished to come true the other night did. I wished that I would have the grace to let things go. Except I let them go in a different way than I expected to. I let them go vocally and through my writing. I let go with the force of the furies behind me. I vented to all that were present, unabashedly creaming the people I hate into a pulp. I didn't let them slide, like I thought I had asked to. I figured I'd just let things go and forget about it, but I didn't. I screamed to the world all that I felt in my heart. And I accidently alienated one of my friends, but that's her call. She can grow up and talk to me on her own time, not mine.
Must remember to be more specific next time I write a spell for myself cause those fuckers really do work.
The witch is back. Steve would be proud.
Twilight and moonlight,
April 29, 2001
C
Haven't written in awhile. Figured my sleep depraved mind could use a little undoing.
I wonder why it is that I form my strongest bonds with people just before they leave for some far off place. For example I am developing a really wonderful friendship with a guy I work with and he's leaving soon. Just as we were bonding tightly he's off back home. The same thing happened with Gen. And with all my high school pals. I didn't meet them until my senior year and that's all I had with them. It's amazing how quickly these things go by. Maybe I'm doomed to meet and connect but then move away. Or rather stay where I am and the other person leaves. Is it a curse I can't shake? Or is it one of those providencial blessings in disguise.
Thinking back on the past week: I made it through a class on Thursday that I would not have been able to a year ago. And it was all because of the strange events of the past three years here in conjuction with Steve and my blossoming as a tarotist and witch. We did some quasi-hypno-imagination stuff that I would never have made it through had I not gone through the looking glass last year. Which is hard enough to explain in itself, but it was in the deeper realms of my semi-conscious mind that I started to forgive myself. Forgiveness was a concept I couldn't grasp until just recently and with it has come a beautiful thing, the ability to no longer blame myself for shit that I didn't do. A revelation if you will.
Enjoying the rest of my afternoon in the form of a nap,