Random Acts of Nothingness Proudly Presents...
Diary of a Nothing
December 2000 Entries
December 7, 2000
C
I'm ready to cry again. Nothing is going as it should and life is very phucked up right now. I came to crossroads the other night and now I'm just sitting in the middle of them and waiting for something to trigger a decision from me. The truth of the matter is I'm going to make my decisions and nothing else can help me. I keep getting the feeling though that I should just sit tight until winter break because something will change or happen to help me decide where I want to end up.
This is all so confusing and scary and I'm not sure I want to deal with it all yet. I realize that the gods can't help me and no matter how much The Stag King wants me to run to his side open armed it's not going to happen any time soon. He wants to help, they all do, but they can't. They're not here to hold my hand when I'm crying or cuddle me to sleep. They can try, but they can't actually be there. They've never taken human flesh on and given it a try, not for me they haven't. That kind of hurts and I wonder why I believe in them and have any ounce of faith in anything.
I have faith in myself and that I'll somehow find a way to phuck things up. I have faith in my own stupidity and my complete lack of a back bone. I have faith in fear.
These are not things to have faith in at all. I worry. I worry too much. Is it my time to shine or my turn to screw up again? I'm just waiting for an excuse to ruin my life it seems. Maybe I never wanted to live this life and fell into it as some punishment for a former life. Maybe I never should have come here.
This is not where my mind should be. This is not how I should feel. Yet it is. And it remains that I'm still standing with the past at my back and the future on a forked tongue of road waiting for me to step forward and embrace it.
Phuck me.
Saturday 9, 2000
C
Things are a little less melodramtic than they were when we last parted. Some of my issues have resovled themselves nicely and other will be worked on over break. You won't recieve any entries during the course of January. I'll be home with little or no access to the net and no patience to update the page. But if anything occurs to me, I'll write it down and type it later. Hopefully break will go better than the end of my semester has.