Random Acts of Nothingness Proudly Presents...
Diary of a Nothing
February in Crisis 2001
February 6, 2001
C
Well. Ok. So I'm doing a whole lot better than my little existential crisis the other day. That was bad. That was real bad. But I realized it was my lack of connection with people and a momentary flight of memory from my more than damaged brain. I must have forgotten everything I know about how life works and about how people work. I'm in the middle of another theatre project which will carry me right to the end of the month. And of course I'm still in romantic land. I'm on cloud 9. And I couldn't really tell you why.
Sometimes I feel like my head is just above water and I've been treading for hours. Other times I'm simply floating above the river on a bed of air. My favorite image of myself is when I feel that something big is going to happen. I'm standing on the very edge of a waterfall, really more like levitating above a small rock outcropping in the middle of it and I'm about to be carried over the edge. I'm about to slip into the water and sink softly to the bottom. I can only see the white and greeny blue waters swirling below and I feel the pull. But not just yet. I'm still hanging on by my tiptoes.
That's how I feel right now.
February 13, 2001
C
"But I need to know, will you stay for all time? Forever and a day. Well I'll give my heart, til the end of all time. Forever and a day." -Fisher
"I'm an asshole" -Dennis Leary
"God I feel like hell tonight... Are you strong enough to be my man?" -Sheryl Crow
"I wake up to beat the sun from her glory. I'm only one cigarette away from mobility. It's always punch in, punch out. Go to work and go back home. There's only one chance left and I know, and I know she is waiting." -Seven Mary Three
"Open your eyes, look up to the skies, and see." -Queen
"Sotto Fureru Mono" -Evangelion, the greatest anime ever
"What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end ... I will let you down. I will make you hurt." -NIN
"I've been drowning forever. I'll let go. I'll dive into the river and flow." -Transistor
"If I stay lucky then my tongue will stay tied and I won't betray the things that I hide. There's not enough years underneath this belt for me to admit the way that I felt." -Seven Mary Three
February 15, 2001
C
I went to bed with the biggest smile on my face last night. Even though I didn't stay in bed long. Creative urges you know, have to get up and follow them for the time being since I've been at a dry streak. But anyway. The reason why I was smiling was because of Genny. When we were saying goodbye last night I said "Goodnight my sweet princess." And she replied "Only if I wake with your taste on my lips, my fairest Queen." Squish. Squish.
February 19, 2001
C
So I had a harrowing weekend. One of my little cousins was in the hospital. But she's kinda ok now. So, that's cleared up. We had a bad rehearsal for the show I'm working on. But we fixed it. So that's ok. Boyfriend suprised me by coming up. He's gone home now. So that's taken care of. And one of my dear friends had a crisis yesterday evening and I talked him through it. I felt really good that he called me to help him out and not anyone else. However phucked and selfish that is, but I value his friendship very much. So that's nice. Otherwise I'm just listening to Tori and going with what come next. Which is all news to me.
February 24, 2001
C
Things just seem too coincidental lately to even be possible. I'm running in to people just as I'm thinking of them. Or reading a play that mentions a kind of champagne I've had before. Or fortune cookies. And I think I'm the only person who's seeing all these odd things coming together. My feet are dangling just over the center of "The Great Cosmic Car Crash (C.O. Adrienne Arno)" and she's about to collide once again.
Not that that's a bad thing. My whole extraneous love life is kind of funny at this point. Almost absurd. No, ludicrous. He loves her. She doesn't. She leads him on (can we say mind phuck)? He turns to me for comfort. Great. Can anyone sense the tension? How about the sarcasm? And the fact that she always puts me in the middle of these things and she knows how I feel about him. Not complicated. Very simple. Just stop. Just grow up. Not that hard, huh?
I'm thinking maybe I should just let go. Like the quote above. Just dive into the river and flow. I'm about ready to. More later. Gotta thing,
February 26, 2001
C
I think the fates are trying to tell me something.
What exactly it is though, I have yet to discover.
February 28, 2001
C
The past 72 hours have been spent tearing my hair out. It's like I took an honesty pill, and I've yet to recover from the purging effects of it.
My boyfriend knows everything I'm feeling all too well. I'm bothered by the fact that he can't understand that it takes time for me to heal and to figure out what I want from life. I'd like to spend my life with him. Do I think it's possible? Of course not. That's why I'm in such a struggle right now.
Do I think I could spend my whole life with any one person? I just don't see it happening.
I'm cascading with the water. Flowing, diving, spinning in a whirlwind of honesty. I can't wait to see what the bottom looks like.
I'll be 22 in May. An adult. I'm starting to feel the effects of it already. The insane responsibility. And all at the same time, the desire to let go of control and just let life show me where to go.
My little intuitions are getting stronger every day. Pretty soon I'll have my own psychic hot-line. Maybe it's because I can handle it now. The maturity is settling in and I can listen better. I can actually hear things and understand. Maybe that's why I'm having problems with the boy-toy. He hears things. But he doesn't get what I'm saying. I need someone who can just understand me, without having to ask me to explain myself.
Maybe I have grown past him and even myself. I've turned into this person I never thought I could be. And I'm getting more like the self I want to be every day. I'm still a stupid shite sometimes, but I'm getting there. Closer and closer at the dawn of each day. And further from what I hate about myself at the dusk of each eve.
I'm such a head case, but I know I'm really not. I think the best word for me is eccentric. So eccentrically yours,