Random Acts of Nothingness Proudly Presents...

Diary of a Nothing

The January Crunch 2001

January 28, 2001
Had an interesting break. My dog had worms, I got the flu and my brother called my sister a big fat c*nt. Otherwise I had some truly peculiar and vivid dreams wherein I was a princess everytime. T said that this was going to be an awkward semester when we got back to school. So far she hasn't been wrong. I don't know whether to hug some people or run away. All the crises I had before leaving have settled themselves. I'm still a little confused, but that's to be expected.

Am I still in a spiritual crisis? Not so much. My dreams have been helping me a lot. And I got the chance to talk to Gen last night. She helps more than I think she knows. I had a smile a mile long because of her yesturday.

The boyfriend and I have resolved a majority of our issues and conflicts and haven't had a bad fight since christmas. I suppose I have some things to be thankful for. I kick myself in the head for not appreciating him as much as I should. He's really wonderful for me, but I find myself be-grudging our relationship sometimes. It's like I don't want to allow myself to be happy. I'm not that bad. I need to give myself some credit.

I'm glad to be back at school and in the middle of work. I had some minor stress during the first week, but it's been a lot smoother since. I'm back in my own space. I can sleep naked again. I can watch Saturday morning cartoons (Rising Sun on Cartoon Network is great) without any small children running in and interrupting. It's not so bad a life after all.

Peace out.

January 31, 2001
Ok, not happy. I cannot sleep during the appropriate hours of the night. I feel like crying and I can't. I feel like talking to people, but I really want to be alone. I feel like neglecting myself, I am. Am I depressed? I don't know. How can a human being change so much in three days time? How can I person go from a high to a low in less than 72 hours? Was I always this way and I just never noticed it until now? Am I damaged? I worry sometimes that maybe I was born with a mental disease. But then I think maybe somehow my childhood traumatized me, and that's why I am how I am now. And I don't even know how I am now. It's like this really wonderful Smashing Pumpkins song "to forgive". It talks about sensing loss and feeling nothing. "Holding back the fool again." I do that everyday. "I forget to forgive me." I think I need help, but I don't know where to turn. I fear that maybe there's some madness crouching in the corner waiting for me to be at my weakest. And then it will leap and render me useless. I found myself curled up in a little ball at my doorway this evening. Unable to sleep or cry or eat or do anything worthwhile. I suppose I'll be ok. I just need some time to reconnect myself to the world around me. I suppose it's those times when I feel so far away from anyone else that this kind of thing happens. I just need to pluck up, pull up my chin and my boot straps and take it as it comes. It's not like I'm having a bad life, or any reason to be depressed. It's just that that's where I landed. We'll see where I go from here.

Thanks for listening,

C