Random Acts of Nothingness Proudly Presents...
Diary of a Nothing
The November 2000 Files Wednesday November 15, 2000. C Sunday November 19, 2000. C Tuesday November 21, 2000. C Tuesday November 28, 2000. C Thursday November 30, 2000. C
Long time no see. Another one of my shows opens tonight. Oddly enough I'm not at all nervous, though I've got to tell you the truth, I really think I suck. Maybe it's because I don't have the same intensity I did a few rehearsals ago. Or maybe it's because the character is just second hand nature now. She doesn't feel forced or even relaxed, she's just there. Maybe it's the lack of sleep talking. I tell you that wonderful Stratford trip really screwed up my sleeping habits. Hopefully I'll get them back on track. Then again the odd hours have been great for my creativity. We'll see.
I wrote a poem I thought I should share. It is entitled C.S. Lewis, and I'm very confused about it.
"You smile at the look on my face as you glance at me
I'm distracted by the little vein on your forehead while you talk
It rivets me to the spot
Making me unable to move
You speak with passion about fantasy
Your joy at an old frayed copy of Lord of the Rings
I spout on about faeries and C. S. Lewis
While you sit amazed that a girl likes the same things you do
Have you ever met someone so perfect
Yet so taken by something else
So wrapped in another identity that in this lifetime
It is impossible but unavoidable to love
The kind of love you could write sonnets about
The kind of life all your friends would envy
But neither will make a move
Whether because the feeling is not returned
Or because both are scared of where this life will take them"
All I have to say about that is, your mom.
Kind of excited about leaving for break. Having lots of confusing thoughts about everything. I came to the realization last night that I'm not in the right place in my life. It scared the shite out of me. So where do I go? I decided that I'm going to sit on it for now. There's no need in dragging out this big huge rush of emotions right now. I'm at a confusing point anyway and still depressed after I finished my show, which was tough. I cried every night and I didn't think I was going to. Goes to show how well I actually know myself. I've caught myself falling back into the character once or twice, but I've managed to contain her and push her back down. She's too stressful to tell you the truth. She pisses me off. She doesn't do anything about her pain and suffering. She just sits there and lets it all happen to her. And I know that's sort of what I'm doing right now. But it's not the same. I'm trying not to let myself get hurt. I'm trying to avoid pain, but not causing any for others. I don't think that's wrong. Vacation will be nice for a change though. Nothing to think or worry about much beyond "Is the turkey burned?" or "Has Dave been in the spiked punch again?" I hope.
I pretty much slept through all day yesterday. I updated my Book of Shadows the day before and was reading back some of the stuff I'd written before. I have some really phucked up dreams. I'm wondering how much more of my life I'm going to waste by being stupid and sleeping away days at a time. I think it's a phase. I swear to Norm (another story all together) I've never been this bad before. Maybe it's just the year 2000 that's got me in a slump. I can't seem to get anything right, nor can I get anything done.
Something I found in the archives...
What I really learned over summer vacation
It was really too good to pass up. I had to share it.
