Halfling male.

Birthdate: 11-11-943

Born on: Centros Globos

Born at: Kailora

Occupation: Master cook

The story of Herbert Spoonlicker.

Written by Jorrit Sminia.

Starting date 1-9-1998.

The story of a halfling cook who thought he hadn’t enough spices in his own land and went on an adventure to gain the profits of other worlds.

04-010

It was a nice morning when I thought of leaving this town of Kailora. I was to search for new ingredients for new recipies. I left when the sun rose above the horizon, of course I had all my stuff together in my backpack and my food loaded on a mule. I’ve walked for over 2 weeks when I got out of the Elven country and another week in the Human country. Then I finally reached the giant river. There was only one way to pass, I had to take a boat.

Perhaps you would think of swimming but that wasn’t a good idea because I can’t swim and the river was to broad to cross. It also gave me problems to take the boat, it would have cost me money if I had some. I than had a little conversation about the trip to a far away land with the captain of the ship. I had to cook on it in order not to pay the trip. I had better not said TRIP because it was a real big river. I still can’t believe I made it one week with only a quarter week of food, I am really sorry for the crew that I ate some of their food, but I don’t believe that some of them died out of lack of food. After this week was over, I immidiately walked (I almost ran) to a restaurant to have some food. Food seems to be very expensive in this country named Merlogan, it was because the land was in war with someone. When I tried to look for some spices I truthly found none. The only piece of land that gave them spices was conquered by the enemy. It could have given me a lot of money because they were willing to give a lot of money for the spices which I had with me, but after that dinner at the restaurant I thought I could better keep them instead of dying rich.

03-05-010

It was a nice day when I woke up, a real nice day to take a good dinner. The food was of course very bad but after I put some spices in it, it was better. They had a good cook; Yes, I know it sounds strange, a halfling calling a Human a good cook, but I am not lying, he really was. When I left the building I tried to find a place were I could find some money or some spices. I found a building were they were searching for people who don’t fear a dangerous mission. And of course that was my mission in this world, so I joined the party. At first I was with one other man, an Elf, but a strange one, he had yellow hair standing right up on his head, and he was an Elf who wants to fight, that is, of course, not normal for an Elf, he called himself Rayek, he had no backname. In the next morning there seems to be another man, a Human. Now we were with three man, an Elf, a Human and me. We went on our trip to a place were a lot of this land’s spices were to be found. It costed 1 and a half week to come there by horse and cart. But we also had to go by boat for a few weeks, that trip had cost me a lot of effort. When we finally arrived we had to hide the boat in the swamps. It could be stolen by the pygmies who lived here. The we went for our search for the spices. After a long and dangerous trip where nothing happened we found a place where a few spices grew. I was to indentify them, as I did. They could be used in almost all sorts of soup and a lot of other dinners, and for some sort of medicine. And exectely that was the reason why I may not eat them, stupid Humans (and Elves). I really can’t understand them, they even talked about the "lots of" luggage(my food) I took with me. After a lot of searching we found another place, and just after finding this place it started to rain. Jagio(the Human) made a hut with some unexplainable words, but that didn’t matter, all that matters was that it worked. We staid for 2 days in this hel, he had made a place to cook but even I found it uncomfortable. After the 2 days we went out to look for some food. We lost Jagio there but we found him back in the hands of the Pygmies. We killed two of them. He was lucky he had not yet transported to a village. In that case we wouldn’t be able to get him back. Because we thought the pygmies were using poison we went back to get our luggage. And there we considered to go back to the boat. It still rained and the land was flooding, so we had to hurry or swim, or of course climb in a tree and starf to death. So we kept on walking, and walking, and walking, and walking, and... eating. After a long time walking and eating crocodile(tastes like chicken but a little more wet and less salted), we reached the boat completely exhausted. We(me and myself) decided that I was going to sleep and Rayek would guard and Jagio had to row. When we reached the place where the boat should have to be, it still was there. We were entering the boat and got a lot of food, I really needed that. Than we sailed back, were than loaded in a cart, heading back to the building where we started the mission. There we gold a lot of money for our worthless medicine spices. But it was enough to get some food.

16-07-010

I really had enough of this land of no food, I must have lost a few kilos in this country, I am leaving. I took a boat to cross the giant river again. This boat was much slower than the last one, I spend a few weeks lying ill in a sort of prison(You know those things with 4 walls, a closed door and just a minimum amout of Human food) I really had to kick that captain, but I didn’t want to continue under this river so I had to listen to him. After a long, long time we arrived in a land named Endor. Let me tell you something of this strange land, It is occupied but 4 powers, the Elven, the Dwarves, the Humans and the Skeletons. You shouldn’t ask me what Skeletons are, but I’ve seen one and it looked scary, like a Human who hasn’t eaten for a few days, I still can’t understand why these creatures don’t build up any reserves, than the skeleton armies(the outnumberest ones) will eradicate. But that was no problems, when I arrived at open land I saw something very bad, they had no farms, where the hell do they get their food from, it can’t be only fishing, altought their fishes where pretty but also not really spicy. I found an adress where I could find the best food, it would be a fort on the frontline. I went to there with little problems, Elven attacks and so on. When I came there I saw a big fort with a lot of camps and a tower in the middle. I walked to that tower, but before I came there a stranger asked me why I was here, I told him I was looking for some work as a cook, and not a militair one, he brought me to an other stranger who brought me to the kitchen, I could start immidiately. They would give me food and housing in exchange. That was all I got, this country is pretty poor as I already mentioned. That’s why I left a few weeks later. I returned to the city to take a boat out of this land, I returned to Merlogan or whatever it is called.

06-10-010

I arrived at Merlogan almost out of money so I had to take a temporal job. It was difficult to find one(perhaps they didn’t remember me any more, or my work has its followers, I knew I was the example of the world, this is the prove of it). During a little chat with a man in a restaurant, I heard something of magical items in another country, we both were interested, but we talked a little to hard and a few others wished to join us, we now had group of myself as a leader, a female Human thief, a sort of cow-Human, named Kryten, he was the stupid power of the group, and that Human male named Jagio, such a small land, this Merlogan. We first had to go to the farest point on this land to take the shortest route over the big river. We went to there, hunting daily to feed me. From there taking a boat to this last country I’ll try to overlook for some spices, but this one must have a lot of food because it was legendary for it’s very good food, or it has good farmers(, I hope that there are enough to feed me). On the boat there was a lot of rumor because we had three of those Minotaurs, who were playing a game in which they were take a distance of about 10 meters, than going back another 3 meter running into each other and making such a smash that they almost kill each other. I was happy when we reached the land. Finally some real food, I thought. But it was all fake, we saw a lot of hills, Jagio said we had to go in one of the caves because there at the end of it there was the magic food. When we entered the cave it was dry and warm, a good place for the less spicy spices, but I haven’t seen any of them, not now, not later. After a little walk we saw a trap(and that must mean that there are living being other than us in this cave, and other living beings means that there is food, and because there where traps they defend themselves from others, what means that there is a lot to get over there). We passed this trap simply and with this trap a few others, untill something strange happend, I haven’t seen a specific trap and I fell into it, I fell down and becaume a sort of unconsiousness, and when I woke up I was tied in chains in a room with a lot of Skeletons chained as well, and those Skeletons where "alive" while they looked pretty dead, that was a memory that floated through my mind for a long time and than accidentally I started talking with them, about the most normal things and about their death, they all died of starvation, perhaps that’s why they where skeletons. After this talk a table with food for about 2 persons raised from the floor in the middle of this rounded room.(Yes, you might think how food for 2 persons could lay on a single table, well let me explain: the table was somewhat big, and because I was between all those skeletons I thought of what they do eat(they looked Human-like) so I could feed myself for it and a Skeleton.) A little later the table disappeared a strangely as it had appeared. And we started talking again. But this talk was disturbed by another thing, there first came a little bit of melted chocolat right on my head, and of course I started eating it quickly. And then came Kryten through a hole in the roof. He freed me from my chains. And then there appeared a door on my right side, I tried to open it but it got stuck, so I ordered Kryten to open it, as he did very simply.

I went throught the door behind which long stairs were going upstairs quickly. When I got upstairs I came in a room in which Jagio and Diana(,the Human thief who stole 4 sausages of me). They must have taken a shorter route, because I haven’t seem them in my room. They were searching in a burned cupboard where Diana had found a very ugly mirror, in which you always reflect very funny, she got a sort of addict to it. When I started searching throught the burned paperwork, I found a very beautiful ring which I put on my finger. We now had discovered the entire cave for a way out but there was only the way back, so we had to go to there. We then headed back because we were out of time and of rations. When I came back I was really disappointed about the fact that we hadn’t found any food. But I will once return to this land to gain the profits of it. But first I will go back to my own country. I need to be fed up by my own people. The real people I have to lead in a better future, in a better life. As I said, so I did, I went on my trip. At the moment I tried to take a boat I faced a little problem (that one of money). And again I couldn’t get any work at those racists, so I went deeper into the land. That really was a wrong decisicion, because there were only rocky mountains, and as everybody knows, there doesn’t grow much on mountains, so I had not much food and as you know this land was in war with someone, so the people tried to get their food from any place, also from the mountains. Now that there isn’t much for me I had to sacrifice some of my reserves, I think about 2 kilos or perhaps even more. After a long time I got passed by a caravan, and as everybody knows, a caravan has mostly a lot of food for trade. So I ordered to stop them, as they did. I took the rest of my travel with them and bought food and savety in exchange for my presence and some money, they did as if they didn’t know me anymore. That wasn’t nice at all, they weren’t friendly to me I sucked up to the boss a little bit, he thought he was better than me and of course that isn’t right because I am the best. But we did reach a little village near the enemy border, we had a halt for 2 days in order to sell and buy goods.

I tried to find work but I failed, they already had a cook they said, but I believe they just feared a good cook, they would get used to good food and if I would leave the village, they would get back their own cook and get bad food. And of course I will leave this village soon, because they don’t even have enough food to feed me only. And that would mean that the village would starf to death. And I don’t want to be a murderer. So I had to spend some of my little money to a little bit of food. 2 Days later we left this village and went on to the more border-cities in hope so gain more money there. We travelled for 5 days and finally reached a real city. In this city I could find some work. As a cook of course but that was understandable. I didn’t work for that long because it was far to dangerous at the frontline. So I took some food and went out of the city. Out there it wasn’t that save but I had to do with it. I walked for two days before a few jesters came out of the bushes and drew their weapons. I didn’t like them so I ran away, blaming them for everything possible. But they were faster because they had longer legs. They than knocked me down. When I woke up I saw that I was lying in a cave, jailed by the jesters. When I told them that I would kill them when I finally become their leader they looked up and started thinking, of making me their leader of course. A few seconds later one of them(they were with 3) came up to me and opened the door. I thought that I had become their leader, but when he grapped me that rude all of my imaginations had ended. They brought me to a little canyon, telling what that they would do if I didn’t "shut up", so I ran away from them but they went after me and brought me back to the prison. When we arrived I saw 2 other man standing there. It seems that one of them had gone for another ambush, of course not alone, but he had lost a friend in this ambush. The man next to him was a knight they had imprisoned, they immidiately put us in jail. I "shut up" so the knight was talking to me only, about escaping and about other fights, only those one he had won of course, he didn’t feared the canyon I told him of. Later all four jesters opened the door and took him out, they brought him to the canyon they told me. When they were gone, I opened the door and went out. (You might think of how I opened the door but they had left the key in.) I walked away from here, not to the canyon. Five days later I found a city, I entered it, bought some food and travelled again, I took another path because I don’t want to be ambushed by the jesters again. This travel costed me 6 days since I finally saw another intelligent living being, or should I say a Human. It was a group of adventurers on their way to the frontline-cities. I made them taking some effort to take the same restplace as I’ve got. I was completely save that night.

The next morning saw that the adventurers had gone already. They must have went really early(,it was 11 o’ clock when I woke up). I went on my travels to the nearest town, the adventurers had told me I had to travel two days to the east but there was no path, so I just followed this path. After two days I found a town laying on a hill-side. It had the same name as those adventurers told me "Stonekeep", I had heard the name somewhere else but I didn’t remember completely, it was somewhere at home when I heard the name,I think about an adventurer who just passed our defences and went in our village, he told something about Stonekeep and the legendary temple. In this legendary temple there should be something of a magical sword. That really doesn’t interest me, because I don’t know how to eat a sword. But it sounds interesting. So I went to it. When I arrived I was hailed by a group of Dwarven guards, like small bearded ironmen. Heavy armed of course because they saw me and I could be dangerous(only if they don’t feed me). I begged for some food for a poor traveller, and they gave me a bit. While I was eating they looked strange at my face, I had asked them why, but they didn’t answer. I stayed for 2 weeks in this Dwarven village. They had good spicy food, but only a little less. That’s why I left. I must have lost about 8 kilos in this village. It’s a well know fact that in some species severe loss of weight results in a severe loss of fed which makes skeletons of those, so Humans are one of those species. I hope Halfling aren’t, I’m really hungry. I went to one of the greater cities in this land, I forgot it’s name but it wasn’t important. I looked for some work and got some.

26-02-011

It was full winter and very cold at the moment I was fired by my boss. He told me I sucked up to him far to much and I ate to much of the clients’ food. I went out of the city because I was far to furious, this was a very wrong step because I thought I had some food with me while I had none. So I had to hurry to the next city, town or village. I thought it wouldn’t be long but it wasn’t. Luckily I encountered a group of soldiers going to the front. They gave me some food in exchange for guarding that night. I agreed with that and walked on. A few days later I came by a Dwarven city named Durban. It was a big city in a hand-made cave. And the end of the cave it was real hot, they said that the smiths were the. I looked for a bar or restaurant to take a well deserved dinner and ask if they needed a cook or could use a better one. I had to show some of my qualities to them and I did the best I could. They didn’t hire me because I accidentally ate my cooked food and left almost nothing for the testers. But I think I also wouldn’t be hired if I left something for them because there weren’t enough spices to make it good spicy. With my last money I bought some rations to go to a haven-city. It wasn’t far from here. Just a few days, a few long days of walking. Before I reached the city, I saw a big castle, such one with about 4 towers, and a big one in the middle, I tried to reach this castle but I got holded by a few guards armed with swords and shield. I told them to get out of my way but they didn’t they kocked me down but a blow on my head, I staid concious, but screamed of agony. They brought me to a healer in the castle. They took care for me there. About an hour later I saw an officer coming to me. He told me that I should have to pay 5 swilon for the attack I had made on the soldiers. He wouldn’t listen to me, so I couldn’t tell him the thruth. I think this is all a big plot to get me down, but I shall not fall for it. A few hours later I left the healer’s and went on a search for a little job. I found one at a small restaurant. It was a restaurant in the orc quarters, not the best place to be, but they do not care if they don’t get enough food, so I had enough for myself. A few days later the same officer as told before came to me, he told me I hadn’t paid the money yet. This time I was able to ask him why I should pay the money. He told me it was because I would have attacked the guards which I didn’t so I told him so. Then he changed his mind and told me I had to pay only 2 swilon to him and 2 swilon for the guards, then he would handle this. I told him it was against the law and walked away. Now I was sure it was a plot against me. So I left the city by taking a boat across the big river. I hoped we headed for home, but the captain was a plot-member and brought me to a island used for criminals and other bad guys. This was definitely the wrong boat for such a faithfull and good leader as me. I tried to persuade the captain by telling him that I was the leader but he wouldn’t even listen to me he even threatened me with dropping me in the ocean(I didn’t ask him what an ocean was because I didn’t what to look stupid, but I think it is something medical). Everyone knows the side-effects of medicals so I "shut up". When we reached the coast we where all placed in a small boat and we had to row to the land. I was ordered some others to row but they refused so I had to make an example of it. When I started to row the boat moved slowly backwards, all men screamed at me that I went to the wrong side so I ordered them again to do it. This time they did and the boat went to the land. When we arrived we got out of the boat and placed all boats together. Then a group of about 50 men went into the island, 40 males and 10 females. I assigned myself leader of the pack but because of the stupidness of those Humans they disagreed and put a stupid muscleman on the top. He was called Gerard Mockenstein. Charged for mass-murder of 32 Elves, 20 Dwarves and 6 Humans. Probably no halflings because he feared us. He ordered us to cut some wood to build huts with. I as a good leader(beaten by stupidness) started work immidiately as a builder of houses. Two minutes later, when I was tired, I walked to Gerard and told him that those men could work better when there was enough food for them. He snorred at me started thinking and agreed with it, he assigned me as hunter. I went into the forest. Saw a few rabbits and ran to them, they looked up and ran away. Two hours later I returned to the people. They had worked pretty hard and had build up 8 tents and 2 houses. Gerard took one of the 2 houses. I asked if may have the other one but he disagreed. He used the other building as a warehouse. Because there was no meat or other food I couldn’t do anything but work on the tents and houses. At dinnertime I asked a few men what will be eaten but they didn’t know. When the Human-dinnertime arrived I was very hungry and so were the workers. I went to Gerard once again but he sent me away. I ordered to talk to him, but all that happend was that he took a weapon and threatened me with it. Then a few men walked up to him. They drew their weapons also. (I wonder were they got them from.) Gerard put his weapon away and told the men that he had assigned me as a hunter and that I was to blame for food, but I told him that I was only a cook. I can’t even run, I also can shoot or even handle a bow. Those are Elven weapons. Then he realised that he had to do more than just sit and went with 2 other men into the forest to hunt. About half an hour they returned, heavily wounded and having just a deer. I asked them what had happened and they told me they were attacked by another group of hunters. When they were healed, Gerard told us that we had to defend ourselves so he asked us who had weapons and who hadn’t. About 30 people came to him and showed their weapons, some had just knifes, some had short swords, a few had a long sword and another one had a broad sword. That one wouldn’t tell us where he got it from. I asked Gerard if he could send another group of hunters, this time better armed. He agreed with it. Ten people were sent to hunt that time. They got back with a lot of food. I started cooking immidiately. Three hours later I was ready cooking. The people were all proud of getting such good food and of course having such a good cook.

01-04-011

It was a rainy day and all people were inside their houses. We hadn’t heard anything from another group of criminals. We saw a big light and then heard a loud explosion outside. It really scared me but the other people helped me by saying that it was just lightning. A long time later I was no longer scared. A few men went outside to see if something was hit, but they didn’t return. When the rain was over, we all walked outside to see if something was damaged, but that wasn’t the fact. One strange thing happened. The two men who went outside were nor found nor traced. Then Gerard went to a higher place in the village. The tried to raise our morale while we had lost two men. Before he was finished a men ran up to him and screamed that he had found the two men, dead and eaten by an animal or another cruel creature. Gerard sent five people to investigate their deaths. Only one hour later they found out that the bodies where eaten by an other group of people because footsteps where found three meter north of them. It must have been a group of nine people. Gerard sent a group of 12 good fighters well armed to follow the footsteps. It was only 2 days later when 2 of them returned. They told us that they were attacked by a group of 10 people and that they had to flee, they were the onliest survivors of our side of the fight the other have lost two men they told. They also said thet they had seen smoke on a hill-side on the west of our village about 100 miles.

05-04-011

It was a wet day and a little cloudy. Nice circumstances for a good-planned run-away. I had heard that a new boat would came this day. In the early morning, just after I had eaten and had cooked for the inhabitants of the village, I asked Gerard if I may go to search for some good spices and he had agreed. I went to the far south. And after a long time I found the river and took a good look to see if I could see the boat but I didn’t see anything. So I build a boat with a few trees on the ground and ropes I always have with me. It looked good. Then I searched for a lot of food and brought it to my boat. I set sail with only extra food and my normal goods.

11-04-011

This looked like a normal long day. But it certainly wasn’t. It a real good day because I saw boat. This boat must have seen me because it set sail for me. About a few hours later it reached me and I was hailed up. I thought I was save, but when I saw the crew I prefered to go back to my boat. The crew where all pirates. I tried to be friendly. They gave me a little food and brought me to a quarter. They told me I could sleep in there. It looked a little old but it was a well to do room, little muffy, one bed, one cupboard and one round window, far to small to escape through. Then they said I had to work so I went to the place where a kitchen should be, but they stopped me. They told me I had to clean up their boat as I did. This work wasn’t a temporal one at all. They made more mess than I could clean. Also their food was very bad so I asked them if I could replace their cook but they disagreed, they said something of poison or something else. I worked for about a week on this boat before we saw land. I was finally placed in my own boat and they sent me to the land. I rowed it because the wind didn’t work hard enough. When I reached the land I fell asleep. At the moment I woke up I was laying in a cart and 4 men were looking over me. One of them told me were I was. It was a land called Alarium, I looked strange to him but continued to tell me more things. I didn’t listen because I couldn’t. They brought me to a big castle.