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CARNIVAL

Series 2, Episode 4
October 22, 1992

Written by
ADRIAN EDMONDSON and RIK MAYALL

Policeman:

And you've no objection to taking part in an identity parade?

Richie:

Oh, absolutely none whatsoever. Social responsibility is our byword. Er... do we get the eight quid now, or later on?

Eddie:

Oh yes, we love public service. We were just on our way to give blood, weren't we?

Richie:

Oh, that's right.

Eddie:

I get six quid a bottle, you know, 'cause mine's very rare. It's ninety percent proof.

Richie:

Pretty swarthy-looking bunch you've got here, Sarge! Which one's the criminal?

Policeman:

These are just the other volunteers, sir.

Richie:

[pointing, before hearing the policeman] That one! What? Oh er, oh yeah, that's right, yeah.

Policeman:

Right then gentlemen, if you'd like to form a line we'll bring the suspect in.

Richie:

Right, and then we all fall on him and give him a good kicking, do we?

Policeman:

No sir, we have to let the witness identify him.

Richie:

What? Oh, oh yeah, that's right, that's right. Good policing, good. Right, come on, form a line everybody, form a line.

[A man enters escorted by several policeman.]

Richie:

Oh dear, whoops-a-daisy, here he comes, dear oh dear oh dear. Look at that Neanderthal gait! Probably only learned to walk upright this morning. Hanging's too good for you, buster! Huh, I'm surprised he manages to mug old ladies with his knuckles scraping along the pavement like that! [gorilla impression] Ooh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh-hello, hello, b-b- bll-b-b-bll-ll, me respectable citizen! Ugh, it's making my flesh creep, you vile scum!

Man:

Do you mind?

Richie:

Ooh, it talks! It talks! What are you gonna do next, go on a quest for fire?

Man:

Good afternoon everyone, I am Chief Inspector Grobbelaar.

Richie:

[gorilla voice] Oh, I'm Chief Inspector Grob... Oh.

Grobbelaar:

Now the suspects we are bringing in are highly dangerous so I don't want any of you lot fraternising with them too closely, okay?

Eddie:

Oh look, it's Spudgun! Ooh, and little Dave Hedgehog! Hello boys!

Spudgun & Hedgehog:

Hi Eddie!

Eddie:

And what are you doing here?

Hedgehog:

We don't know. This bomb went off two hundred miles away and they suddenly come round and arrested us.

Spudgun:

I hope we're not I.R.A.

Hedgehog:

Ah, well it is a highly secretive organisation. We wouldn't know if we were.

Eddie:

Oh look, even if you were you'd be all right. You'd probably just get seventeen years in jail and then you'd suddenly get out scot free.

Spudgun:

If I go down I'm taking one of them with me.

Eddie:

Yeah? Why's that?

Spudgun:

'S just the way I fall.

[A shrill woman is led in.]

Woman:

That's him, that's the one! Vicious little bastard! Ooh, me blood runs cold.

Spudgun:

'Ello Mum.

Mrs Potato:

Send him down, electrocute him! Bring back the guillotine!

Spudgun:

I told you Ma, I promised I'd tidy my room tomorrow.

Mrs Potato:

Where's my handbag, you thieving little bastard?

Spudgun:

What d'you know about my father?

Mrs Potato:

Absolutely nothing.

Spudgun:

Just as I suspected.

Grobbelaar:

Shall we concentrate on the bag?

Eddie:

Well, it's a bit hard to concentrate on anything else, isn't it?

Grobbelaar:

Do you recognise any of these men?

Mrs Potato:

I know all of them.

All:

Hi Mrs Potato! Hello! [etc.]

Grobbelaar:

No no, I mean who took the bag?

Mrs Potato:

[pointing at Spudgun] He did!

Spudgun:

I told you Mum, it was a cross-dressing party.

Grobbelaar:

Let me get this straight, you're accusing your son of borrowing your handbag.

Mrs Potato:

That's right. Heinous villain!

Grobbelaar:

All right Jenkins, take her round the back and give her a good drubbing.

Mrs Potato:

Oh shit.

Richie:

Eight bloody quid each, Eddie! You see, that's what you get for being a responsible citizen.

[Richie walks up to the bar and notices the new barmaid.]

Richie:

Oh, hello.

Barmaid:

Hello.

Richie:

You're new here, aren't you?

Barmaid:

That's right.

Richie:

Oh, good. In that case, er, hello, we're from the Health and Safety Inspectorate. And we'd like to examine two half-pints of best bitter and a couple of Cornish pasties please.

Spudgun:

Hey, Eddie! H-h-hey!

Eddie:

See they've got a bit of new staff on.

Spudgun:

Yeah, it's great isn't it?

Mrs Potato:

Yeah, it's great isn't it! Means we don't have to spend any of the money we made on the line-up this morning. Now remember lads, don't get too sloshed. We got another one in Paddington this afternoon, right?

Hedgehog:

What's the crime this time, Mrs Potato?

Mrs Potato:

Flashing. And make it convincing.

Spudgun:

Yeah, good on you, Mum. Do you want another drink?

Mrs Potato:

Same again please, love.

Spudgun:

Right. Another three bottles of brandy please, dear!

Hedgehog:

Yeah, and I'm still not sure about this lager of yours, I'd better test another eight pints.

Barmaid:

There's a lot of you in from the Government today, isn't there?

Richie:

That's right, my dear. [leers at her] And may I say how attractive you look in that short summer frock. It's quite lovely isn't it? Tell me, do you use Timotei? I'm sure that with beautiful hair like that you probably have to pop up a mountain, don't you, and find a stream and dip it in and flick it about the place. Are you a Page Three Girl? 'Cause I'm sure if you wanted to, you could be.

Eddie:

Yeah, go on, take your top off and we'll give you an honest opinion.

Richie:

Shut up, Eddie! [elbows him in the groin] You know, ha ha ha ha ha, it's funny but, in the short time I've known you I've fallen completely head-over-heels in love with you.

Barmaid:

What? That's ridiculous.

Richie:

I know, it's mad, it's crazy, but hear me out. Ever since, ah, I was wounded leading the charge at Goose Green in the Falklands conflict...

[The man sitting drinking at the end of the bar hears this and sits up, interested.]

...I haven't been able to make love properly. No. And I was wondering that, seeing as you're a barmaid, you know, and we all know what you barmaids get up to, I was wondering if you could see your way clear to, you know...

Barmaid:

What, having you bunged out?

Richie:

Well, I've never actually been 'bunged out' before, but, boy, I'm game for anything!

Veteran:

What, was you in the Falklands then?

Richie:

Yes, I was. Do you mind shutting up, I'm on the brink of shagging this barmaid! Tell me my dear, have you ever read The Joy of Sex?

Barmaid:

Ah, no, I don't read things like that.

Richie:

Oh well, that's okay, we can just look at the pictures.

Veteran:

When was you out there then?

Richie:

During the conflict, when do you think? I didn't go there for my holidays!

Veteran:

Oh. So you're a veteran then?

Richie:

No I was not! What are you suggesting? I was in the thick of it. Someone else looked after the ponies.

[Tight-mouth Larry wanders in, completely drunk, singing, and having trouble staying upright.]

Larry:

'Well you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man, no time to talk, night fever, night fever...' [He crashes to the floor.]

Richie:

That's Tight-mouth Larry, the book-maker!

[Larry throws up.]

Eddie:

He's not very tight-mouthed today, is he?

Richie:

[to the barmaid] And now, my dear, as regards...

Veteran:

When was you there then?

Richie:

Look, are you a professional bore or is this some sort of hobby?

Veteran:

'Cause I was in the Falklands too.

Richie:

Oh really, yes, I bet you were, yes, chap like you, yes, back in the Falklands, huh! Got any proof?

Veteran:

Well... got me service medal, yeah.

[Richie is taken aback, speechless with shock.]

Veteran:

You all right, mate?

Richie:

Ha, ha, oooh yees, yes, yes, hahaha. I always get like this when I meet one of the old compadres. So... shit... great... You were there too, were you?

Veteran:

Yeah, I was in Two Para.

Richie:

What, you went twice?

Veteran:

What regiment was you in then?

Richie:

Well the English one of course! What are you suggesting?

Veteran:

No, what outfit was you in?

Richie:

Well, the green patchy one most of the time. With the twigs and the bit of leaf, you know, camouflage. I mean, ah, some of the chaps had their busbies on but, hur-hur, not many of them came back. No, I just remember looking down my rifle-sights at hordes of screaming Argies, all going 'Nein, nein, ve surrender Tommy-schweinhund!'

[Larry struggles to his feet.]

Larry:

Nah, nah, I tell you, I'm perfectly all right!

[He falls over again, banging his chin on the bar.]

Richie:

Yeah... So, ah, how did you get on?

Veteran:

Well...

[The veteran slaps his right leg twice, producing a hollow wooden sound.]

Richie:

Well... [slaps his own leg twice] What?

Veteran:

Well, I lost me leg!

Richie:

Oh, oh, oh, I see, oh. Oh oh, oh dear. Erm, how sad. [pulls a face at Eddie]

Eddie:

No, look, there it is, there! [pointing to the vetran's leg]

Richie:

Oh, look, Eddie's found it for you! Look, there it is, right underneath your bottom! Ya, you silly banana, you should keep your eyes peeled! Hah, old commando like you should be able to keep track of his legs!

Veteran:

Nah, no no, this is me falsie! [pulls up his trouser-leg] Look at that. Two and a half grand that cost me. Hand carved by naked Balinese maidens.

Eddie:

How d'you know they were naked?

Veteran:

'Cause I watched 'em do it.

Richie & Eddie:

Hwooorgh!

Veteran:

That's why it cost so much.

Richie:

Two and a half thousand pounds, eh?

[Richie and Eddie go into a little huddle, thinking about this.]

Both:

No, we can't, we can't...

Richie:

Well, ah... [long pause] Ha ha ha! It's great when we old war-horses get together, isn't it? Ha!

Veteran:

[to Eddie] What, was you there as well?

Eddie:

Ah, oh, oh... [Richie nods] Yes.

Veteran:

Oh, what outfit?

Eddie:

Oh, I was in a little grey off-the-shoulder slinky number with the sequins, you know, and the split up the side... Oh, ha-haa, only joking! I was in Intelligence. They dropped me behind enemy lines. Quite a long way behind enemy lines. It was Guildford actually.

Spudgun:

What, by parachute?

Eddie:

No, they just dropped me. From the Army, you know. Fired. Flat feet.

Veteran:

Did you have to yomp from Goose Green to Stroud Hill?

Richie:

Well of course I did mate, we all had to do that didn't we? Well, there were no lavs. It was the open countryside. Yeah, haha, had to watch where you put your feet in them days. Ha- ha! [makes squelching noise] Hahahaha... must have been a bitch for you squatting on the one leg!

Veteran:

Yeah, but did you go to Stroud Hill?

Richie:

Well of course I did! We were all there, me and all me mates. There was me and, er, Ginger, er, Tommy, er... Tiddles, er, Spot, er, Joey, Snowy and, erm... Gorky.

Veteran:

There isn't a Stroud Hill in the Falklands.

Richie:

[long pause] O-o-o-o-ooh, you were one of the ones that didn't find it, eh? Hah, oh, we had a good laugh about you!

[Larry has another go at standing up.]

Larry:

Right, well, here I am then! [wobbles] Oh, no I'm not. [crashes down again]

Eddie:

So, ah, what did you do then?

Veteran:

Well, I'd rather not talk about it.

Eddie:

Why, is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you, eh?

Veteran:

Quite the opposite, actually.

Eddie:

What, you sucked water in through your eyes?

Veteran:

No. I took Harrison's Point single-handed.

Richie:

Oooh. Thhh. That can be nasty. I shut Tucker's finger in the tank door, didn't I, Eddie?

Eddie:

I don't know, this is all a load of bollocks.

Richie:

Shush, shush, sh-sh-sh-shush! You'll have to, ah, excuse Eddie, his mind's just blanked it out.

Veteran:

What, 'cause it's so horrible?

Richie:

No, he's just got that sort of mind. Oh well, must mingle. Charmed!

[Richie hurries away.]

Veteran:

Yeah, that's where I got the G.C.

Eddie:

Oh yeah? You see a doctor about it? You probably got some germs in the cut, you see.

Veteran:

No, George Cross!

Eddie:

Oh, it was him was it? Well, you should have know better mate.

Richie:

And, ah, what did you do during the war, Spudgun?

Spudgun:

Nothing really, I was unemployed.

Richie:

Oh that's very convenient, isn't it?

Spudgun:

It is actually, I live round the corner from the dole office.

Richie:

That's not what I meant and you know it! I spilt blood for the likes of you! My appendix are up there on the top of Mount William.

Mrs Potato:

And for what? For a few farmers and a flock of penguins, and to secure another term of office for that Margaret Thatcher.

Richie:

Oh, a Bolshie eh? A pink-o? Eh-d-d-d-deh, eh-d-d-d-deh interesting isn't it. Eh-d-d-d-d-deh-interesting. Notice you women never muck in when it comes down to a scrap.

Mrs Potato:

Interesting in what way?

Richie:

Er... well, well, well, it's interesting because A. I said it and anything I say is interesting per se, and B., er, well, there isn't a B. because the A. was so great.

Mrs Potato:

Have you any idea how women actually feel?

Richie:

No, I haven't. That's my problem really.

Mrs Potato:

Would you like me to tell you?

Richie:

[blowing on his palms] Take the practical, if it's all the same with you.

Spudgun:

I think my Mum's right you know.

Richie:

Well then why don't you just go and live in the Soviet Union?

Spudgun:

'Cause it doesn't exist.

Hedgehog:

And it's horrible.

Richie:

Yeah, well, yes, well, that's precisely my point.

Spudgun:

Well it's a bit of a stupid point, isn't it?

Richie:

Ten years I was fighting in the Falklands, ten long years! We didn't have any toilets. We didn't have any telly. We didn't have any buses, we had to carry everything. Tents, equipment, ammo... whatever that is... Souvenirs... Shopping... Yeah, shopping. Shopping. I liberated Port Stanley Tescos you know.

Eddie:

Yeah, I was there when Prince Andrew got his undercarriage shot off. That was after the war though.

Veteran:

I don't believe a word of this, you never were in the Falklands.

Richie:

Oh. So you don't believe me eh? [takes off his jacket] All right. [undoing his trousers] Take a look at this!

Veteran:

I'd rather not.

Richie:

Oh come on, what's that! [pointing down his trousers]

Veteran:

[peering down] Well, it looks like a very small penis.

Richie:

No, not that! That!

Veteran:

Well, it's an appendix scar.

Richie:

Yes, an appendix scar. And how do you think I got that?

Veteran:

Well, from an operation to remove your appendix.

Richie:

Yes! ...Yes, yes, that's where an Argie took my appendix out with his bayonet.

Veteran:

I don't belive a word of this. In fact, I don't belive it so much, I'm gonna smash your face in.

Richie:

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo, I'd like to see you try, hop-a-long!

Veteran:

Ah, good, 'cause you're about to.

Mrs Potato:

Go on, give him one!

Veteran:

All right, I will!

Richie:

All right, let's see you try, buster! Eddie, hold me back.

Eddie:

Erm, I can't, I'm very busy drinking.

Richie:

What?

[The veteran, still sitting, swings at Richie hitting him in the face.]

Richie:

Right, this time, this time, buster! [gets hit again]

Barmaid:

All right, that's enough you two, now calm down!

Richie:

Hah, hah, lucky escape for you there mate!

Barmaid:

Now you, it's on the management, what would you like?

Richie:

Oh. Sexual favours now is it?

Barmaid:

No.

Richie:

What do you mean, no? What's wrong with me?

Barmaid:

Well I would have thought that was patently obvious to everyone.

Richie:

Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I'm not a homosexual if that's what you're thinking.

Eddie:

Well, you're not strictly heterosexual are you Richie?

Richie:

Judas! I've never done it with a bloke!

Eddie:

Yeah, but you've never done it with a bird either, have you? [to everyone else] Has he?

All:

No, no...

Richie:

Well, yeah, all right, yeah, all right, all right, yeah, but I mean, I'm heterosexual in intent.

Eddie:

The nearest you've come to being heterosexual is barricading yourself in a bedroom with a copy of 'Amateur Photographer' and a jar of hand-cream.

Richie:

Yeah, but I mean... I've done it mentally. ...Boy have I done it mentally. Look at that bicep. yeah, you're bloody lucky I didn't hit you with that one mate! Yeah, you'd be on a drip in Casualty by now!

Veteran:

Oh what, you want some more, do you?

Richie:

Yeah, sure, of course I want some more! Come on boys, let's finish him off!

Eddie:

Nah, it's all right, we'll just watch. All the best!

Richie:

[putting up his fists] Ho-hooor!

[The veteran punches him repeatedly , ending with an upper-cut that drops Richie. Suddenly Tight-mouth Larry gets up to his feet, hanging onto the veteran for support.]

Larry:

Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to stop this fight because... I need somebody to hold on to. I think I'm a little bit drunk. Ha! He-haaw, which way is my betting-shop? 'Cause I've got an absolute dead cert for the three-thirty at Chepstow. 'Sad Ken'. He's a hundred to one, but he's bound to come in. Only, you see, it's a bit of a secret. Only us bookies know about it, so don't tell anyone.

[Larry looks around to see the rest of the pub behind him listening.]

Larry:

Right, um, let's just keep it a secret between us few people in here then, alright? No, I'll tell you what... forget everything I said. Just wipe it from your minds. Hahaha. Alright? What did I say?

All:

We can't remember, Larry.

Larry:

Phew, thank god for that.

[Larry stumbles towards the door.]

Richie:

Chepstow.

Eddie:

Three-thirty.

Hedgehog:

Hundred-to-one.

Spudgun:

'Sad Ken'.

Larry:

[from the door] My secret is safe! [stumbles out]

Richie:

Bloody hell Eddie, this is our lucky day. Free money from the police, free drinks from the saucy bit of all right behind the bar who I'm definitely on with later, and now a free tip from Tight-mouth Larry! ...Now let's see, doodl-doodle-do, doodl-doodle-do, that's sixteen quid we've got to put on 'Sad Ken'. Which is a bit of a shame, because this is the chance of a lifetime.

Eddie:

Yeah.

Richie:

Oh, if only I had a huge wad.

Eddie:

Either that or a huge pile of cash.

Richie:

Yeah... Hey, I've just had a great idea! Come with me to the lavatories.

Eddie:

That's not a great idea, that's the same cheap trick you try every Saturday night!

Richie:

Eddie, this is no time for being an ugly ignorant no-brained arse-head from hell!

Eddie:

We're a bit stumped then, aren't we?

Richie:

Yeah. But come to the toilets anyway, I think I might have something of interest for you.

Eddie:

All right, me old mucker, anything for a giggle!

Eddie:

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Richie:

All right, all right, all right, you'd be laughing on the other side of your face if you were in my shoes.

Eddie:

No, I wouldn't... I'd have very wet feet if I was in your shoes.

Richie:

Hwoop... oh damn! Oh well, who cares. We'll be living in fur-lined lizard-skin thigh boots from here on in if my plan comes to fruition. Now, let's go over it again.

[Richie turns to face Eddie. Eddie jumps back]

Richie:

Oh, sorry, sorry. [zips up] Right, now, this is the plan. Okay? We take off his leg, we take it down the pawn-shop, right, put all the money on the horse, win, redeem the leg, and put it back on. He'll never know. What could possibly go wrong? Especially with a horse like 'Sad Ken'.

Eddie:

You're right!

Richie:

Okey-dokey. I'll distract his attention, you swipe the leg.

Eddie:

Righty-dokey matey-bloke flap old salty sea-dog amigo skip-jack jockstrap piano-tuner, let's see you balls this one up!

Richie:

Right-o!

Richie:

Cripes Eddie, we're in luck, he's fallen asleep. Quick, get his leg off.

[Eddie grabs the veteran's left leg, pulls it out straight, and twists it a few times trying to get it off, with horribly voilent crunching noises. The veteran groans in his sleep.]

Richie:

Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie:

What?

Richie:

That's the wrong leg! That's the real one.

Eddie:

Well, what shall I do with it?

Richie:

Twist it back round and slip it back in the socket. Shh!

[Eddie quickly wrenches the leg back into position and jumps back. The veteran sleeps.]

Eddie:

Phew!

Richie:

Right. Stick your hand right up his trouser leg and undo the fastenings on his falsie.

[Eddie looks disgusted.]

Richie:

Hang on, I'll do it.

[Richie investigates up the veteran's trouser-leg.]

Richie:

There we are... [finds something, pulls a face] Hwoorgh! Eddie... [tries again and undoes the fastenings] There you go. Get down the pawn-shop, get what you can for that, and slap it all on 'Sad Ken'. I'll keep him unconscious.

Eddie:

Right. [holding up the leg] Best foot forward. I'll leg it down to the pawn-broker's.

[Eddie leaves, doing a three-legged walk with the false leg. Richie walks along the bar gathering up all the left-over dregs.]

Richie:

[to barmaid] Ah, morning!

[He puts a funnel in the veteran's mouth and pours the concoction down his throat. The veteran gulps noisily without waking up.]

Broker:

No, it's not! No, it's not!

Spudgun:

[holding up a rat] Yes, it is, I tell you, it's a mink. Look at that pelt.

Broker:

No, it's not, that's the third time this week! Now bugger off!

Spudgun:

[holding up a set of false teeth] What about some ivory then?

Broker:

[to Hedgehog] Can I help you sir? [to Spudgun] Get lost!

Hedgehog:

A copy of 'Health and Efficiency' please.

Broker:

We don't do those!

Hedgehog:

Ah, not much of a porn-shop then is it? All right then, how much for this telly? [holds up a telly]

Broker:

Telly, ten quid.

Hedgehog:

Ten quid? But it's practically brand new! And it's 'Bob's Full House' tonight!

Broker:

Exactly.

Hedgehog:

Oh, I see what you mean. All right then, give us a fiver.

[Spudgun is trying to extract teeth from an old woman's mouth with a pair of pliers.]

Spudgun:

Look, come on Gran, I only want the gold one at the back. Sad Ken's a dead cert!

[Eddie enters, carrying the leg.]

Eddie:

Out of the way, out of the way, I'm trying to ger my leg over!

Mrs Potato:

Ooh, you saucy sod, it'll cost yer! What d'you say to two quid?

Eddie:

I'd say ta very much. [takes the money] How was it for you? [to the broker] Right, how much for this carved wooden leg?

Broker:

Now, there's a nice bit of objet d'art! Must be worth at least two and a half grand.

Eddie:

Oh.

Broker:

I'll give you one pound fifty for it.

Eddie:

Let's haggle.

Broker:

All right, a quid.

Eddie:

No, let's haggle upwards.

Broker:

All right, 50p!

Eddie:

Blimey, they don't call you 'Harry the Bastard' for nothing, do they?

Broker:

No, they call me Ted!

Eddie:

Well listen, Ted. I've still got a photograph of you, a Chippendale, and an industrial size drum of Swarfega.

Broker:

Have you?

Eddie:

Ah-hah.

Broker:

Then I'll give you five hundred pound for the leg.

Eddie:

Thank you very much!

Broker:

Now bugger off!

Richie:

'Hush, little baby, don't say a word, Daddy's got a dead cert in the three-thirty at Chepstow...'

Veteran:

[stirs] Oh, God, what's that horrible noise? Oh, I've just had a terrible nightmare about an insane git with a very small penis singing at me.

Richie:

Christ, he's coming round! [to barmaid] Quick, give us another seven bottles of Malibu.

Barmaid:

Cor, you Government types know how to put it away, don't you?

Richie:

[oily] You're not wrong there, my dear.

Veteran:

Oor, sorry about that. Phwor, my head. I think I'll just walk it off.

Richie:

No! No! No, er, er, I'll, I'll, I'll walk it off for you. [walking around] Aahh, ahh-haa-ha.

Veteran:

Cor, I, I feel completely legless!

Richie:

You don't know the half of it, mate! Here, tell us another two-hour anecdote about Goose Green.

Veteran:

[slurred] Well, there was me and Trigger...

Eddie:

Five hundred quid, on the nose, on Sad Ken if you please.

Bookie:

Certainly. Would you like to pay tax?

Eddie:

Well of course I wouldn't. What a ridiculous question!

Bookie:

Right then, here we are, Marjorie, another bundle for the 'Sad Ken' pile.

[He tosses Eddie's notes onto a huge pile of money.]

Old Man:

7p on Sad Ken, please.

Bookie:

7p?

Old Man:

Yeah, it's all Harry the Bastard would give me for my house.

Bookie:

Right then, that's it I'm afraid. Race on!

Eddie:

Right, here we go then. Acapulco here we come! Ahh, this is it, boys. Untold wealth. Birds!

Spudgun:

Booze!

Hedgehog:

Budgerigars!

Commentator:

They're lined up now ready to go... and they're off! Ah well, they're nearly all off, there still stuck in the stalls is Sad Ken, er, oh and he's off now, he's gone now in completely the wrong direction, rather slowly. And I must say I think it's very sporting of them to enter a three-legged blind horse here this afternoon... And he's hit a tree, he's hit a tree, and he's down... oh well, back now we go to the leaders... ah, no, no, back with Sad Ken for now, and I'm afraid they've had to shoot him. Yes, Sad Ken has been shot... and so has the jockey.

Richie:

Ah, er, er, and after that I went to my secondary school. Where, ha, all the teachers had different names of course. There was Mr, er, ah, Baker, eh, Mr, eh, Mr Derbyshire, ha ha ha, who interestingly enough actually came from Berkshire! Ah...

Eddie:

Richie.

Richie:

Shut up, Eddie, I've got to keep this berk talking until Eddie gets back.

Eddie:

All right.

Richie:

Oh, it's you! Hah, and don't sneak up on me like that. You know what us old war veterans are like. They didn't call us the 'Desert Scorpions" for nothing, you know.

Eddie:

No. They called you that because you're small, unpleasant and rather poisonous.

Richie:

Eddie, shut up, you're not as interesting as me.

Eddie:

Fair enough.

Richie:

Right! Where is the loot?

Eddie:

Hah. Well, brace yourself.

Richie:

Ah. Hup! [holds his body rigid]

Eddie:

Because Sad Ken didn't turn out to be quite the wonder-horse that we expected.

Richie:

What? That's impossible.

Eddie:

Hmmm.

Richie:

Tight-mouth Larry said he was a hundred-percent cert.

[The landlord and Larry come in from the back of the pub, laughing. Larry is waving a bundle of money.]

Larry:

Ha ha ha, well, we had you there, didn't we?

Landlord:

Good afternoon, suckers! As your friendly landlord I'd like to introduce you all to my niece, Veronica. [indicates the barmaid] Ha ha, how'd it go love, all right?

Veronica:

Yeah, it was just like you said. They all pretended to be from the Government.

Landlord:

Yeah.

Veronica:

Oh, and you were right about the complete git. He has got a small penis.

Richie:

Thank you very much. That's your name crossed off my little list.

Veronica:

Thank god for that.

Eddie:

Yeah, you might as well throw away that minute piece of paper now, Richie.

Larry:

So how much did they get through at the bar then?

Landlord:

Two thousand quid.

Eddie:

That ought to be about right.

Larry:

Well, that's all right, we made fourteen grand on the race, so minus two, that's twelve.

Landlord:

Makes six grand apiece. Not a bad afternoon's work. Ha ha ha.

Richie & Eddie:

Bastards!

Larry:

Great!

[The veteran is laughing.]

Richie:

Yeah, and you can shut up too... Christ, Eddie, the psycho's coming round. Where's his leg?

Eddie:

Well... there it is, there!

Richie:

No, no, no, where's his other leg?

Eddie:

He hasn't got another leg!

Richie:

No, I mean quick, get down the pawn-shop and redeem his other leg!

Eddie:

Right, quick, give me five hundred quid!

Richie:

Right, quick, into the lavvies.

Eddie:

No, Richie! It's illegal! Besides, you'll never make five hundred quid that quick! You'd be lucky to get 10p a go!

Richie:

Come on Eddie, I've got a brilliant idea! Into the lavs!

Eddie:

Okay, what's the brilliant idea?

Richie:

Panic! Hoooo, hooo, hooo!

Eddie:

Calm down! [slaps him] Look, I'll handle this. My uncle Percy used to be in the trenches in the first world war. Hah! You know what he used to say?

Richie:

What?

Eddie:

Aarrgh, bloody hell, Germans, thousands of them, oooh, shoot me, aargh, help me, I wanna go home, aaargh, aaargh!

Richie:

Eddie, shut up!

Eddie:

Aaargh, aaargh, aaargh!

Richie:

Shut up! [slaps him]

Eddie:

Aaargh, aaargh, aaargh!

Richie:

[slap] Shut up! [slap] Shut up! All right?

[Eddie, panting, nods. Richie looks reassured. Eddie punches him.]

Richie:

All right!

[Richie punches Eddie. They fight.]

Richie:

Hang on! This is a bloody good idea!

Eddie:

What, you want some more, do you?

Richie:

No, no, no no no. Why don't we mug the first person that comes into the toilets?

Eddie:

Great idea! [punches Richie]

Richie:

[holding his teeth] What did you do that for?

Eddie:

Well you were the first person that came in.

Richie:

Yeah, but I haven't got any money!

Eddie:

[sighs] Damn! Ha. Didn't work eh? Not much in this mugging game, is there?

Richie:

No, you dolt! I'm talking about the subsequent lavatarians! Look, the next person that comes in, right, we mug him, right? Or her. If she's a perv. Never know your luck!

Both:

Hwoorgh!

Richie:

Right. After we've robbed him, nip down the pawn-shop, redeem the leg, bring it back, and put it back on. Everything'll be tickety-boo. We'll be back home with our feet up in front of 'Emmerdale Farm' before you can say...

Eddie:

Someone's coming into the toilet.

Richie:

'Someone's coming into the toilet.' [realisation] Someone's coming into the toilet!

[Richie pulls the condom machine off the wall. Eddie arms himself with a toilet seat.]

Richie:

Quick Eddie, let him have it!

[Richie bangs the man over the head with the machine and starts punching him in the stomach. Eddie hits him with the toilet-seat, realises who it is, plucks Richie's arm and points at his face. Richie starts hitting the man in the face.]

Eddie:

It's Chief Inspector Grobbelaar.

Both:

Shit.

Mrs Potato:

Get on with it, you filthy scum. Why don't you get a real job?

[Grobbelaar punches her. She falls back against the wall.]

Grobbelaar:

Happy with the line-up, gentlemen?

Richie:

Well, no, not really, I mean, you know that it's us, don't you? We don't stand a chance!

Grobbelaar:

That's the beauty of it, sir.

Richie:

Well, don't we get a make-up artist, or something? Or some time to grow a moustache... or have a sex change?

Eddie:

I demand to see a lawyer! Preferably a female nudie one.

Grobbelaar:

If you'd like to shut up now, sir, I'll go down the line and see if I can spot the felons.

[He walks down the line until he reaches Richie and Eddie, who are pulling faces and bent over like hunchbacks.]

Richie:

Damn! All right, what happens now, copper?

Grobbelaar:

Well, I invite everyone here to fall on you and give you a damn good kicking.

Both:

What?

Grobbelaar:

[to the others] In your own time gentlemen. [blows a whistle]

Richie:

No, no!

[Truncheon blows land on Richie and Eddie's heads. Freeze-frame, roll credits.]