Bottom

DOUGH

Series 3, Episode 4
January 27, 1995

Written by
ADRIAN EDMONDSON and RIK MAYALL

Richie:

There. That's War and Peace finished. I knew it was that Russian bloke that did it. Same as the last time I read it.

[There are sounds of hammering and things breaking from the behind the wall to the back of Richie's bed.]

Oh! What's he doing in there?

Huh... I could have written that. I would have done, too, if that Tolstoi bloke hadn't sneaked in first. Yeah, only I'd have jazzed it up a bit, put in a few nudey pictures and a couple of car chases. [stands] I wouldn't have called it War and Peace, either. I'd have called it something more appropriate like... A load of old bollocks!

[He goes over to the fire place and puts the book on the mantle piece. Again we hear crashing and banging from the other room.]

What is he up to in there!?

Oh God, I'm so bored!

[Stands, looking desperately for something to do.]

Oh... All right, off we go again.

[Goes back to the mantle and picks up the book.]

Count Leo Tolstoi... Well they spelt the Count wrong, didn't they.

[Lays on the bed to start reading, we hear a drill being used and a large crash.]

Oh! Right! That's it, I've had enough. Eddie!

[Gets up and goes out the door into the hall and stands in front of Eddie's bedroom door -- next to Richie's]

Eddie! Eddie, you've been in there for seven whole days, what are you doing? [No reply] Eddie?

Right! That's it young man, now listen to me. I'm going to count to three and then I am going to have a ruddy good look through that keyhole. Do you hear me?!

One! Two! TWO!!! Three.

[Richie kneels down and puts his eye to the keyhole. A stick slides through the keyhole and pokes Richie right in the eye. He collapses back on the floor]

Not funny! Oh, Eddie, please! I'm so bored and lonely! I haven't had anyone to talk at for a whole week! What are you doing in there??

Eddie:

[voice] It's just a little hobby of mine. Why don't you go and do yours?

Richie:

Well I've had five this afternoon already!

[He waves his limp left arm around]

Oh Eddie!

Eddie:

Sod off.

Richie:

Eddie? Eddie-eee-eeee?

[gets to his feet and clears his throat]

[Imitating Marilyn Monroe?] Eee-ee-ee-ee-ee-deee-eeeeee... [kissy kissy]

[The door opens and Eddie reaches out holding a lit blow torch and sets fire to Richie's crotch. Richie screams and stumbles backwards, falling arse-over-head down the stairs, crashing through the bathroom door and coming to rest next to the toilet, crotch still ablaze. He leaps to his feet and runs into the lounge.]

Oh Blimey! I'd better put the blaze out quickly, it'll go on for days, I'm so well hung!

[He races over to the table and leaps up onto it, grabs a small goldfish bowl and slams the open top against his crotch, thrusting his hips around trying to splash the water over the flames. A few seconds later, Eddie walks through the door wearing a green eye- shield/visor cap.]

Eddie:

Just need some more ink. [Notices Richie]

I see you've found something to help you pass the time, then.

Richie:

[Looks guilty] Yes, thank you, Eddie. Point taken.

[puts the bowl down]

Well, point nearly burnt right off, actually.

Oh god, what a life. [Gets off the table] Oww.

Oh, who'd be me? Oh, god I'm so bored. I'm so bored I could watch a whole episode of The Bill without vomiting blood.

[Almost turns on the telly]

No, no, no, no I mustn't. I owe it to myself.

Oh... I can't go on like this.

[looks really miserable. Suddenly the front door bell rings. Richie's mood turns to instant joy]

AH! Hoorah! Ah I'm coming! I'm coming! Wait!

[He runs out the door into the hall]

I'm coming! Don't go away, you'll like me!

[He opens the door to Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun]

Spudgun! Dave Hedgehog! How great to...

[They both push in, trying not to touch Richie]

...see you ah, well, come ye! Come ye... Why don't you!?

[They all make their way into the lounge. Hedgehog & Spudgun look almost scared to be around Richie. They stand in awkward silence for a moment]

Richie:

So! What brings you 'round here?

Hedgehog:

The bus.

Richie:

No... I mean, wh... why are you here?

Spudgun:

His telly's broke.

Richie:

Oh, charming. Well, anyway... Sherry?

Spudgun:

No.

Hedehog:

No.

Richie:

Oh good. 'cause we haven't got any. Ah, cheesy dip?

Spudgun:

Yeah.

Hedehog:

Yeah.

Richie:

Yeah, me too. There's something going 'round I think. Oh well! Let's all have an olive!

[takes a jar from by the organ] Here we are!

[wrenches off the squeaky lid and takes a whiff] Pheugh!

[Spudgun goes to take one, but Richie fends him off, giving Hedgehog one first, then offering the jar to Spudgun and slaps him on the wrist]

Just one! [and he finally takes one himself.]

There we are! So, Spudgun... Read any good books lately?

[Spudgun just looks blankly at him]

Well, I'll make it easier, have you thought about anything, ever?

Spudgun:

Um... Ah...

Richie:

Oh, never mind... Hedgehog?

Spudgun:

Well, I was thinking the other day...

Richie:

Oh! Hang on! He's got one. Strap yourself in, it might be a bumpy ride... Go on.

Spudgun:

Well, I was thinking the other day, in Mace about baked beans.

Richie:

Ahuhhhh. [nods]

Spudgun:

'Cause if like, it says on the label 'Baked Beans', but I thought, wouldn't it be funny, like, if there was just one baked bean, 'cause then it'd be a miss print.

[Richie looks really confused]

That's the end... I wasn't thinkin...

Richie:

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! [Loud fake laugh] Terrific! It's great when us great minds get together, isn't it. [laughs] Well, what can I say? It's happened to me fumfty[?] times. Marvelous.

So! Hedgehog!

Hedgehog:

NO!

Richie:

What?

Hedgehog:

I don't know anything, I haven't been thinking at all! Hey! Help!

Spudgun:

[Calling out] EDDIE! EDDIE! IT'S TALKING AT US AGAIN!

Hedgehog:

HELP!

Richie:

No, shush! I've got it! Morris dancing! Hey! Come on! Look lively! Get your hankies out, I hope they're not as crinkley as mine!

[Richie takes his hankey out and uncrinkles it, the others take their hankies out too.]

Come on, look lively!

[They all start jigging around]

Skipity, hoppity, slappity slap. Skipity, hoppity, chinky chink. Get your bladders out!

[Eddie walks through and looks puzzled at the group.]

Hedgehog:

Hello, Eddie!

Richie:

[Goes over to Eddie] Eddie! Thank god you're here. The troglodytes have arrived. I've been trying to keep them occupied for simply hours! Take over.

Eddie:

[To Hedgehog & Spudgun] Yeah, hello boys, thought I heard you come in.

Spudgun:

Are they dry yet?

Eddie:

SHHHHHH!

Spudgun:

What!?

Hedgehog:

His wife's not s'posed to know!

Spudgun:

Oh, right.

Richie:

What!? What? Is there something going on?

Eddie:

I think we better go upstairs, boys. [To Richie] Oooh look! A nudey magazine!

Richie:

Oh! Where! Where! Where!

[While Richie desperately searches for the magazine, Eddie, Spudgun and Hedgehog slip out the door and up the stairs.]

Where, guys? Guys?

[sees they are gone, follows them out the door]

Guys! GUYS!?!

[Shot changes to the top of the stairs. The three are standing at Eddie's bedroom door.]

Eddie:

Here you go, boys. Eldorado! [He opens the door]

Hedgehog:

Wow!

Spudgun:

Nice one, Eddie! [Eddie laughs]

[Richie arrives at the bottom of the stairs]

Richie:

Guys! What nudey magazine! What's going on up here!?

[Richie runs up the stairs. Eddie hurriedly ushers Hedgehog and Spudgun inside, goes in himself...]

Anything for a joke! Come on you wild bunch, what's going on in here?

[...and slams the door right in Richie's face]

Come on guys! Let me in!

[He sticks his fingers around the side of the door and Eddie slams it shut on his fingers.]

[Laughs] Oh! You guys are great, aren't you!

[He tries to force his way in again, this time gets his head crushed in the door, but can see into the room. When the guys realize this, they give in and open the door.]

[There is a massive printing press set up in Eddie's bedroom, churning out money. There is a huge pile of bank notes in the foreground as well as some notes pegged up to dry]

Richie:

Eddie! You've been...

Eddie:

That's right me 'ol black hearted jackanapes bounty hunter from the devil's lavatory... [stops the press]

I've been forging money.

No more living on the edge of society for us. No more tick, no more nicking! No more running into off-licenses and seeing how much we can drink before the police arrive! Spudgun! Have twenty-five grand!

[He hands Spudgun a thick wad of notes]

Spudgun:

Hoh!!!!

Eddie:

Hedgehog! Have a hundred grand!

Hedgehog:

Hoh!!!!

Eddie:

Richie!

Richie:

YES!!

Eddie:

Have a fifteen pound note.

Richie:

Hoh! Fifteen?

Eddie:

Yeah, it's a misprint, but very rare. Could be worth up to twenty P in a couple of years or so.

[Richie studies his note carefully]

Come on lads, let's get down the Masarati showroom!

Richie:

Hang on a sec! What's this tomato?

Eddie:

[looks at the note] That's not a tomato, that's the Queen's face. Gotta get the dye right, yet.

[Richie picks up a triangular note]

Richie:

I think you've gotta get the shape right first, Eddie.

Eddie:

Now that is Welsh money.

Richie:

They don't have any Welsh money.

Spudgun:

No wonder they all vote Labour.

Hedgehog:

[indicating something on his wad of notes]

Here, what are those?

Eddie:

Ahh, those are the Queen's jugs.

Richie:

What!

Eddie:

They're the Queen's... jugs.

Richie:

Eddie! A. The Queen doesn't have jugs, she's Royalty. And B. If she did, she certainly wouldn't get them out on the back of a fiver. Certainly not, she'd save 'em up for the fifty.

Eddie:

If you care to have a look at my fifty, I think you'll find it a might more risque.

[Takes one of the notes that was pegged up drying and hands it to Richie]

Richie:

Oh! Goh! Sheesh! That's disgusting!

Eddie:

Aha, I know!

Richie:

Ogh! Eddie! That's tantamount to treason! How can you expect to pass off these pornographic doodles as real money? Especially when you see what the duke of Edinburgh's up to on the back of the tenner.... [twists his head around] Who's that with him?

Eddie:

Meryl Streep!

Richie:

[Makes his pervy noise of appreciation] Hang on, she's got three knockers!

Eddie:

No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle.

Spudgun:

Nice one.

Richie:

Eddie! Are you insane? You couldn't buy these under the counter in Hamburg!

Eddie:

But that's the whole plan. You see, the unsuspecting publican will be so mesmerized by the 'classy erotica' that I'll've had seven pints by the time he's noticed how crap the squiggly lines are!

Richie:

Ha ha ha!!! Lets hires us to the nearest hostelry and expose our prodigiousness!

Eddie:

No, let's go down the Lamb & Flag and see if the forged money works!

Richie:

Hey, that's a better idea than mine. I didn't even know what I was talking about!

Eddie:

Nor did I!

[All laugh and head off out the door]

Richie:

Stand back, birds! It's the Hammersmith hard men!

Spudgun:

There's no birds here.

Hedgehog:

As usual.

Richie:

Yeah, all right, all right. Well, stand back everyone else, just in case. 'Cause once us lot get started, there's no telling when we'll stop.

Spudgun:

It's usually when Dick finds out we haven't got enough money to pay for the first 'round of halves.

Eddie:

But not tonight! [thumbs through a huge wad of cash.]

[Eddie saunters up to Dick at the bar followed by Richie, Spudgun and Hedgehog]

Evening, Dick. Lovely weather.

Dick:

It's rain'in.

Eddie:

Yes. Is that a Guard's tie you're wearing?

Dick:

Yes it is, actually.

Eddie:

Well, maybe you should give it back to him! [Laugh] Right, enough of the conversational pleasantries... Drinks all 'round!

Dick:

Well of course there's drinks all 'round, it's a pub!

Eddie:

No, I-I-I mean drinks all 'round us! What'd'are you having boys?

Richie:

Palpitations! Has he seen the cash yet?!

Eddie:

Don't blow it, lefty, or so help me, I'll swing for you!

Dick:

COME ON, I'M VERY BUSY!!!

Eddie:

[looks around the deserted bar] No you're not!

Dick:

I know, but I've been on a publican's refreshed course in customer relations, so: COME ON, HURRY UP! ALL OF YOU TIME WASTING PARASITES OR I'LL SET THE DOGS ORN YA!

Eddie:

Boys?

Spudgun:

Half a mild.

Hedgehog:

Same for me in a pint glass, please.

Eddie:

Yeah, I-I'll have a pint of mild... In a half pint glass. Richie?

Richie:

What?

Eddie:

Drink?

Richie:

Ohh, ah, oh, ah, anything, arh, it doesn't matter, anything'll do. Ah, you know, anything at all, really. Ah, Oh, umm... Something sophisticated and left bank... Oh, ah, [wobbles cheeks] Oooh, um... Oh... Diddly-do-diddily-do, I don't know... Blulll.... Ohhh.... Absinthe.

Eddie:

Bless you.

Richie:

It's a... It's a drink, Eddie.

Eddie:

Oh, right. [To Dick] And a pint of Absinthe, please.

Dick:

Absinthe?

Eddie:

Yes.

Dick:

There's a gay pub down the road, you know.

Richie:

Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Are you starting, buster!?

Dick:

Look, we haven't got any, anyway. What about, ahh... [takes a bottle from the rack] Pernod?

Richie:

Oh... Yes, all right then, yes. A pint of Pernod. Make it a straight glass with a good head.

Dick:

Here you go. [pours a glass of it for Richie]

Eddie:

Thank you, mine host.

[Eddie hands Dick a note, which he snatches away.]

Dick:

And what's this?

Eddie:

It... is a twenty-seven pound note... Keep the change.

Dick:

You can't expect me... too...

[notices the 'classy erotica' and starts hyperventilating. The lads start getting exited]

Whough! Uh... Uh yeah, Take 'em, take 'em. Uh, I think the light's a bit better in the toilets... Ah, yeah watch the bar for me, will ya!

[Dick goes out through a door behind the bar, all the lads take their glasses.]

Richie:

It bloody worked! Here's to us, the master criminals!

All:

CHEERS!

[They all take a swig, Richie immediately spits his out]

Richie:

THIS IS SHIT!!!

[Scene switches to somewhere in the back of the pub. Dick is on the telephone, examining Eddie's counterfeited note.]

Dick:

Hello? Skullcrusher Henderson?

Yeah, it's ah, Dick Head here. No, don't laugh. Yeah, I have in my possession here, a very rare and extraordinarily pornographic twenty seven pound note, which may be of interest to a man in your position.

What? Oh, well it's ah, Sylvester Stallone, fisting what looks like Mister McKennery from the Magic Round-About.

[Scene switches back to the bar. The four lads are seated around a small table drinking. The table is absolutely covered with empty bottles of grog. Richie is holding up his near empty glass]

Richie:

Pwah! And they say Toulouse-Lautrec used to drink this? Huh! No wonder his legs fell off and all his paintings were crap.

[Dick re-appears at the bar]

Dick:

Hello, boys. Everything all right?

Eddie:

Not a problem.

Hedgehog:

It's been very quiet.

[Spudgun lets off a huge belch]

Eddie:

A coach load of Japps came in and finished off the Malibu, but apart from that.

Dick:

Good. Gives us a chance to have a little chat, then, doesn't it.

Eddie:

[Tense] A chat?

[They all look fearful as Dick walks around the bar and over to Eddie.]

Dick:

Yeah. I've just been on to one of my pals, Skullcrusher Henderson, who as it happens, is THE master counterfeiter of Old London Town. And he takes a very dim view to people muscling in on his patch. Some might say, an almost psychotically violently dim view.

Eddie:

So?

Dick:

So, Eddie...

Eddie:

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah... My name... Is... Deirdre Barlow.

Spudgun:

So is mine.

Hedgehog:

Me too.

Eddie:

[pointing to Richie] And his.

Dick:

Well, Deirdres... Skullcrusher is very, very angry with you.

Richie:

Do you, err, think we should send him some flowers?

Dick:

No, I'm afraid it's beyond flowers. [Richie gulps] Basically, he says that unless you stop printing, and come up with five grand by closing time tonight, he's going to come 'round here... And crush your skulls.

Eddie:

Is that bad?

Richie:

And that's why they call him the Skullcrusher...

Dick:

Exactly. So, ah, 'till tonight, gentlemen.

[Dick goes off back out through the door at the back of the bar. The lads are shaking with fright.]

Richie:

I think I need to go to the lavvy.

Eddie:

Yeah, me too.

Spudgun:

And me.

Hedgehog:

I've just been.

[The other three wave their hands back & forth to clear the air]

Richie:

OH, CHRIST, EDDIE! What are we going to do!?

Eddie:

WELL, HANG ON, I'M THINKING!!

Richie:

Well we'll come back next week, then, shall we!

Eddie:

Ooh! Look! [He turns and points to something off screen]

Richie:

What do you mean look? I've just had half a pint of Absinthe! I can't see anything, I'm practically blind!

Eddie:

That sign! Annual pub quiz, first prize five thousand quid!

Hedgehog:

Eddie! You're a Genius!

Spudgun:

Hang on... Five thousand quid... That's exactly the same five thousand quid we need to pay Dick!

[He stands up, pushing the table over. All the empty bottles on it crash onto the ground]

Eddie! I've just had the same idea as you!

Richie:

Yes... Yes! YES!

[They all run back to Dick who is at the bar again.]

Hey, Dick, put us in with the big brain quiz tonight!

Dick:

Certainly, gents. Two hundred quid.

All:

What!?

Dick:

EACH!

All:

Double WHAT!?

Eddie:

That's a bit steep, isn't it?

Richie:

Steep?! It's effing vertical!

Dick:

Well, it is a very, very big prize.

Eddie:

Ah... Excuse us just one moment...

[The four lads huddle in a group and talk gibberish]

[clears his throat] Ah, Dick... Would you accept teeth?

Dick:

Ah, gold ones.

Eddie:

Great!

[Riche back-hands Spudgun and Eddie back-hands Hedgehog in the face at the same time.]

Spit!

[They collect the teeth as they are spit out, then dump them on the bar.]

Richie:

There you go, Dick.

Eddie:

There you go.

Dick:

Hang on! There's only enough here for two!

Richie:

What! Oh, rat's bollocks! Uh...

[puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder]

Right, stand firm, Eddie.

Eddie:

Yeah?

Richie:

This is going to hurt you a lot more than it hurts me.

Eddie:

I had an idea it might.

[Richie unbuttons his cuff & walks off towards the door]

Are you off?

Richie:

[swinging his arm around] No, just getting a good run up.

[Richie goes out through the door, then comes bursting through, running right at Eddie with his arm winding up to a big punch... He smack's Eddie on the side of the face, teeth go flying out everywhere.]

Richie:

How was that?

Eddie:

Wrong side!

Richie:

Oh! The things I do for you!

[He lines up another shot and head-butts Eddie right on the jaw. More teeth go flying.]

Spit!

[He holds his cupped hands and Eddie spits some teeth out... Then some more... Shrugs then another two, a few more, another two. Richie turns to the bar as he spits out a final one as Richie places them on the bar with the other teeth.]

There you go, Dick!

Hang on, these are all real teeth as well!

Eddie:

Yeah, well I haven't got any gold teeth!

Richie:

[boasts] Haven't you? God! I've got about three!

Eddie:

Oh good!

Richie:

Oh shit!

[Eddie grabs Richie by the hair on the back of his head and repeatedly smashes his face against the bar, turning to the camera and laughing, giving the thumbs up. For a moment Richie looks around, yelling in rhythm with the head banging. A few more head bangings then Dick hands Eddie a bottle which he smashes across Richie's face.]

Eddie:

Thank you, Dick!

[Eddie then shakes Richie's head back and forth over the bar as the teeth spill out of his mouth.]

[Laughs] There we are, Dick! Ooh! [holds up a tooth] Look! Some change! [sticks it his pocket.]

Richie:

The plabln urked blibbllelle! [face all distorted]

Eddie:

Pardon?

Richie:

The plabln urked blibbllelle.

[Eddie punches Rich in the face again]

Richie:

Thanks Eddie! The plan worked brilliantly! All we've got to do is rush home for a while and bone up!

Eddie:

Right, well you do what you like, but we'll go back and do some revision.

Richie:

Well, we could do that as well!

Eddie:

Well, we've got two hands!

Richie:

Hey!

[They all rush out the door]

Richie:

Trousers off, birds! It's the Hammersmith hard men!

Nurse:

Sexist pig!

Richie:

That's us BA-BEE! Thank God for Granddad's teeth, the birds are going crazy already.

[They walk up to Dick the bar, Eddie in the lead.]

Eddie:

Right, er, four pints of mild, thanks Dick.

[Slaps another note down on the bar. Dick picks it up]

Dick:

What's this?

Eddie:

It is a one hundred and thirty-seven krugerrand note.

Dick:

Bloody hell! Is that Dick Emery? I didn't know he could ride.

Eddie:

No, he's not riding... That's Princess Anne.

Dick:

Look, I told you're to stop printing unless you want to incur the wroth of the Skullcrusher!

Eddie:

All right then, stick this gold tooth behind the bar you bastard! [He places the tooth on the bar]

Richie:

Racketeer!

Eddie:

Vulture!

Richie:

Body Snatcher!

Spudgun:

Shop Assistant!

Hedgehog:

Yeah... Budgie... What's that other thing, no, that's not it.

Eddie:

No it's not, is it?

Richie:

Oh, look, can we just sit down, this's getting really embarrassing now.

Dick:

Ah, you're on table number three.

Eddie:

Right. [takes his drink and walks off]

Dick:

Right, finger's on buzzers.

Richie:

Don't be so foul!

[takes his drink and moves along, followed by Spudgun who gives Dick a 2 fingered salute and finally Hedgehog takes his drink]

Hedgehog:

Got it! Hamster!

Dick:

[mock] Help! Help! Someone's anus has broken loose!

[All are seated around a table in the back of the pub]

Richie:

Yeah, good one Hedgehog. Look at him trying not to cry! Great!

Eddie:

What's this?

[He pushes the button on the table and a buzzer goes off]

Voiceover:

Hitler, Hammersmith.

[Shot pulls in tight to Eddie who is looking around indifferently.]

Dick:

Oi! Who's pressing their buzzers?

Richie:

Oh! Is that the buzzer? I thought y... Oh.

[Points at his crotch, laughs then gives a pervy yell]

Crikey-o-blimey! I thought my crumpet-o-meter was going dolally... Get an eyeful of the nursey jug fest on table number two!

[They all, er, make gestures of their appreciation of the nurses]

Eddie:

Hey, Richie! I've just had a great plan!

Richie:

Run with it Eddie, you're the raunch machine!

[Eddie gets up and saunters over to the nurse's table]

Eddie:

Hi birds. [takes his keys out]

Oh dear! [tosses his keys under their table]

I seem to have inadvertently dropped my keys under your table. You don't mind if I bend down and have a quick get of them, do ya?

[He crawls under their table for a second, then jumps up, laughing and runs back to the lad's table]

Richie:

God! God, Eddie! You're so hard!

Eddie:

Yeah, well I am now!

Richie:

Well, come on! Come on! What did you see... Is it true?

Eddie:

Don't be stupid, Richie... It was just a cover.

[takes a screwdriver from his pocket]

I was fixing their buzzer.

Richie:

[still pervy] Oooh! Fixing their Buz - Zer!

Oh! Fixing their buzzer! [points to theirs]

Eddie:

Yeah.

Richie:

Oh! Hey, good idea. Hey, tell you what, why don't you go and fix the buzzers on all the other tables!

Eddie:

Right, I'll do the CID table first.

Richie:

Tell you what, give me the big coat...

[They both stand up, Eddie hands Richie a large overcoat]

...while you're at it, I'll go and stash the encyclopedias in the lavvy.

Eddie:

Righty-Dokey.

[Eddie walks up to the CID table, Richie goes past and out the door in the background]

Eddie:

Er, hi, blokes.

[throws his keys under the table and holds up the screwdriver]

Oh dear, dropped me keys under the table, don't mind if I bend down and have a quick get of them, do ya?

[He crawls under the table for a moment, then comes up gasping for air. Richie nonchalantly enters wearing the big coat, which completely covers the shopping trolley he is pushing.]

Richie:

Oh, dear everyone. I seem to be putting on so much weight these days. Oh great, look! A gentleman's lavatory, I think I'll just pop in for a quick work out. [Starts to go in] No, no, when I say a quick work out, I don't mean a sort of hairy handed adolescent sort of...

Eddie:

Yeah, it's all right, Rich, no one's listening to you.

Richie:

Oh! Phew! [He pushes the cart into the lavvy]

[shot cuts back to Hedgehog & Spudgun]

Hedgehog:

We could be at home now, looking at the telly.

Spudgun:

I thought you said the telly's broke.

Hedgehog:

Well, that doesn't matter. We-We could just sit there looking at it.

[Shot cuts to the inside of the lavvy. Richie is loading a large set of encyclopedias from the shopping trolley into one of the cubicles. That done, he closes the door and pins on a sign reading 'out of order', laughs contentedly and starts to leave. Then he spies the condom dispenser on the wall and tries to get one out of the dispenser slot. Unseen by Richie, a man walks in behind him as he begins hammering the case. Finally Richie looks over his shoulder at the man, panics and searches for an explanation.]

Richie:

Oh, ah, they, they've run out of extra large. Uh.. Have to use the bin bag again tonight... Hope it's dried!

[The man goes on his way into the lavvy and Richie makes his way out and back over to their table.]

Richie:

Ok! All set?

Eddie:

[holding the screwdriver] They don't stand a chance.

[All laugh]

Richie:

Right, Spudgun... What's your special subject?

Spudgun:

Oh... I had it a minute ago...

Richie:

Ohhh. Hedgehog, what's yours?

Hedgehog:

Oh, I'll have a pint, please.

Richie:

Oh well, it's a start. Look, I'll cover Eng, Hist, Geog, Chem, Phys, Bilg, Lat, Fer, and Gym, ok? All the brainy middle class stuff. Eddie, what are you covering?

Eddie:

The exits.

Richie:

Right, off we go. You nervous, Eddie?

Eddie:

No, I think it's that bloke on that table over there.

[indicating the other pub's table. They start waving their hands around to clear the smell]

Richie:

Well tell him to put a cork in it!

Dick:

Right. Now then, I'd like to welcome you all to the Lamb & Flag, and I'd especially like to welcome our rival pub, the Dog & Handgun.

Pub Guy:

Get on with it, you latent homosexual!

[Slings a mug at Dick which breaks on the wall behind the bar]

Dick:

All right, all right! Keep it friendly, we all got three months last time, remember?! Right, here we go. First one to ten gets the five thousand quid. Now, I'm taking the questions from the 'World of Knowledge', [Reads off its box] 'One thousand searching questions for eight to ten year olds'.

Richie:

Shiiii-iitt! Concentrate, guys. This is gonna be a bitch!

Dick:

Right, here we go, first question, brace yourselves.

[The lads brace themselves with a HUH!]

Where are the Appalachians?

[One of the guys from the CID table presses his buzzer and gets electrocuted, falling to the ground. Eddie laughs and gives his team-mates the thumbs up]

Dick:

...is the wrong answer. I can hand it over for a bonus point...

[One of the students presses his button and also gets electrocuted]

No, I think you'll find that was the same answer the CID gave. Right, moving right along, then...

[Again Eddie holds up the screwdriver, laughing]

Student:

Christ! I think he's stopped breathing!

Dick:

Hey! Quiet please! What (and I'll repeat that), What... is the square root of an 'undred?

[This time one of the guys from the Dog & Handgun table presses the buzzer and is electrocuted]

Nurse:

Phone for an ambulance! [The nurses begin attending to the electrocuted people]

Richie:

[to Eddie] I thought you were covering maths.

Eddie:

Is that.. Oh! I thought it was gardening!

Hedgehog:

[pushes their buzzer] Could it be... Daffodils?

Richie:

Oh! This is hopeless, we're not getting anywhere.

Eddie:

Bide your time, Richie, bide your time.

Dick:

Right, next question, which is the greater, two dozen or a score?

Richie:

[Pressing their buzzer with confidence] Daffodils!

Dick:

Wrong.

Richie:

It bloody is.

Dick:

No it isn't!

Richie:

Are you calling me a liar?

Dick:

No, I'm calling you a tosser.

Richie:

Well that's ok, then.

Nurse:

We need more bandages.

[The shot shows all the rest of the people on the ground, either unconscious or treating the ones that are.]

Eddie:

See, Rich, the plan's working brilliantly. They're all too busy looking after the dying and wounded! This is where we close in for the kill!

[They all position their trigger fingers over the buzzer]

Dick:

Yeah! Get them out of here, and watch the blood on me sawdust, won't 'cha!

Now! Now with the, uh... [looks around the bar] Team, neck and neck on a nail biting zero all 'round, we move on to our next category: Pop music.

Richie:

Ooh!

Dick:

Berlin is the capital of which country, Germany?

[They struggle to find the answer]

Come on, the answer's in the question!

Richie:

Oooooooohhhhhhhh... Oh, look, Eddie...

Eddie:

Yeah?

Richie:

You keep him talking, I'll nip into the lavvy and look it up in the encyclo.

Eddie:

Righty-Dokey. [Richie goes off to the lavvy]

Uh, Dick... Isn't it true that you once did a trial for QPR?

Dick:

That's right, actually. Yeah. Trevor Francis phones me up one day, he says: Dick Head? I said that's me!

[Shot changes to the inside of the Lavvy. Richie tries to open the door to the cubical but the door won't open. He knocks.]

Richie:

Is somebody in there?

Voice:

Yeah.

Richie:

Well you're not supposed to be, it's out of order!

Voice:

Not as out of order as I am.

[large long farty/crappy noise]

I've got through three books of this posh loo paper already!

[the covers of one of the encyclopedia volumes comes out from under the door of the cubical]

Richie:

WHAT?! Oh no! E to K! You bastard!

[He kicks the door in and recoils from the smell]

Oh, Gees!!!

[Takes a deep breath and runs, arms flailing into the cubical. It rocks wildly as the fight hots up. Cut back to the bar]

Dick:

...straight in the corner of the net...

[Spudgun is asleep, Hedgehog is almost and Eddie is sarcastically miming along to Dick's well known story]

...I turns 'round to take the applause from me team mates, Les Ferdinand decks me! Well, apparently I was s'posed to stick it in the goal at the other end, which was stupid, 'cause there were loads of their players up that end, I mean you...

[Richie hobbles through the lavvy door, nose bleeding, limping, he makes his way back to their table]

Richie:

Well I showed him! ...how to completely beat the shit out of me!

Dick:

Anyway...

Eddie:

Yeah, thanks, that's enough Dick.

[To Richie] Now, what was the answer?

Richie:

Pass.

Eddie:

[Presses the buzzer] Pass!

Dick:

Correct.

All:

WHAT?!

Dick:

Well, near enough.

Richie:

What? You mean... we get the five grand!?

Dick:

Yeah, here you go. [tosses a bundle of notes over] Now bugger off, 'cause I'm off down the night bank early!

Richie:

We bloody did it!

Eddie:

We won!

Richie:

Come on, let's scarper!

Eddie:

We won! We won!

[Richie & Eddie jump up and run across the room to the door. Just as Dick rings the bell for closing time, a gigantic mean looking guy in a leather jacket steps through the door. There is a clap of thunder. Richie & Eddie are now shaking with fright]

Dick:

'Evening, Skullcrusher.

Richie:

Ohh! Hello, Mister Skullcrusher... So glad you could make it, and if I may say so, what a smashing blouse you have on... [holds up the bundle of notes]

Oh look! There's your five grand! Looks like twenty grand, doesn't it, it's wibbling about so much!

[Skullcrusher takes the cash and looks through it.]

Well, it's been a pleasure doing business with you... Ah! Look at the time, Eddie.

Eddie:

Yes, we must dash. Charming evening, is that the door behind you?

[They step forward, but Skullcrusher holds them back]

Skullcrusher:

Hang on!

Richie:

Is, is there some, Some sort of a problem... Officer?

Skullcrusher:

I can't take this... It's forged.

Richie:

What?

Eddie:

It's not!

Skullcrusher:

Yes it is! I'm the one that forged it! Look! That ain't the Queen, It's Danny LaRue!

Eddie:

Well it's 'a' Queen.

Richie:

Yeah, I mean, won't that do?

Skullcrusher:

'Fraid not, boys... It's SKULL CRUSHING TIME!

[Richie and Eddie gasp as Skullcrusher grabs them by the shoulder and cracks their heads together. Freeze frame, the end.]