Bottom

TERROR

Series 3, Episode 6
February 10, 1995

Written by
ADRIAN EDMONDSON and RIK MAYALL

 


Scene One

The Flat, Evening.


[Richie and Eddie sit at the open window of their flat, looking out over Hammersmith. Sirens are wailing, flames are reflected against the walls and people are yelling and shouting all around]
Richie:
God! Some people are short tempered, aren't they!?
Eddie:
Yeah, well about four or five thousand of them by the looks of things.
Richie:
Yeah. Oh, but it's wonderful, though, Eddie. I mean, look, all the local communities are out there on the streets...
Eddie:
Beating the shit out of each other.
Richie:
Yeah! Oh, I love carnival time. Oooh! Look at that police man over there!
Eddie:
Which one?
Richie:
The one jumping up and down, waving his arms.
Eddie:
The one that's on fire?
Richie:
Yeah.
Eddie:
Now, well he's got no one to blame but himself. It was him that started it all by appealing for calm!
Richie:
Was it?
Eddie:
Yeah.
Richie:
[shouting out window] Provocative bastard!
Eddie:
I mean, what's the point in having a carnival if you can't get your shopping done?!
Richie:
Yes...

[There is a loud crash of a window breaking]

Whoho!
Eddie:
Nice one!

[Both give a sigh]
Richie:
Ah, it's great...
Eddie:
Yeah.
Richie:
Did you see the floats?
Eddie:
No, I thought I'd flushed it!
Richie:
No, no, no.. no no. Oh look! Here come the Nazis! Hooray! [Sounds of marching] That should get things going again!

[They both listen to the marching, then look concerned as there is a large clash]
Eddie:
They're going into the Lamb & Flag! Oh yeah, thought so, Dick's throwing them out.
Richie:
Oh yeah.
Eddie:
Oh no! The police are throwing them back in!

[Sound of much glass breaking]

Now that's just stupid! That's mindless! That's anti-social, that is!
Richie:
What?
Eddie:
[pained] Throwing those bottles about like that.
Richie:
No, no, Eddie. They're empties!
Eddie:
Oh! Oh, well that's all right then. [shouts out] You get stuck in, mate! Have one on me!

[A bottle comes flying up from below and smashes over Eddie's forehead]
Richie:
Well, that'll teach you, Eddie. You should stay out of politics. Oh look! There's Father O'Malley!

[Both wave... We hear gun shots]
Eddie:
Nice shooting, Father. Blimey, he's had a few, hasn't he!
Richie:
Yeah. I think he should put his clothes back on.
Eddie:
Yeah. Mind you, I think it's that that's frightened off the Nazi league.
Richie:
What?! Oh! Have they gone?
Eddie:
Yeah.
Richie:
Oh...

[Sound of a rocket or some other projectile being fired. The lads watch it arc across the sky and explode]
Richie:
Wayhay!!! [Eddie laughs]
Eddie:
You know, I think these must be THE best seats for the annual Hammersmith riot.
Richie:
I know, I know... They are bloody marvelous, aren't they!

[There is another HUGE explosion. They both cheer and lean out of the window clapping]

Well done!!
Eddie:
Marvelous! Best part of the show so far!!
Richie:
Encore!

[They lean in again]
Eddie:
That was Fatty Amal's Kebab shop.
Richie:
Yeah, it was Fatty who threw the petrol bomb.
Eddie:
Yeah. I saw him take out the insurance only yesterday.
Richie:
Really?
Eddie:
Same every year.
Richie:
Yeah, well it'll be drinks on him again tonight.

[There is the sound of an approaching siren and a blue flashing light is reflected on the wall]
Eddie:
Oh look, here come the fire brigade.
Richie:
Yeah, Fatty's stopped them...
Eddie:
He's having a word...
Richie:
And money's changing hands...

[Siren goes off into the distance]
Eddie:
And they're off again.
Richie:
He must be going for the full rebuild again this year.

[They hold their hands out to warm them in front of the burning building.]
Eddie:
And just in the nick of time, too. I was getting a bit peckish. [holds out some bread on a toasting fork]

D'you know, that's what I love about this country, Richie: Tradition.
Richie:
Yeah, yeah.
Eddie:
I mean, in the olden days we used to let the Germans do this sort of thing for us!
Richie:
Yeah... I know, it's shocking, isn't it... I mean, us Britts are so much better at it. Yes we are, we are.
Eddie:
Yes, we are.

[He retrieves his toasted bread and starts spreading marmalade on it.]
Richie:
I mean, look at that, Eddie! Look at that! Half of London's alight! That's British craftsmanship, that is.

[There is the sound of a tinkling theme tune]
Eddie:
Oh look! There's the primary school Postman Pat float! They've made a little van and everything!
Richie:
Oh look, look! They're ram-raiding the Off License.

[Crash of breaking glass]

Oh, ahar, bless'em. They're too young to know, aren't they?
Eddie:
What?
Richie:
Well, that you've done it already!
Eddie:
Yep, well, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to beat Uncle Eddie!

[They look around at the massive stack of Malibu crates behind them]
Richie:
Well, it's as I always say, Eddie, I mean the carnival is a marvelous business opportunity.
Eddie:
Would you like me to toast your marshmallows?

[Richie looks confused. Eddie holds up a marshmallow.]
Richie:
Oh, I see what you mean! Oh yes, yes marvelous, Eddie, get on with it, yes, yes, yes...

[Eddie puts the marshmallows on the fork & puts them out]

Right, now I think we should just wait for the window of Currie's to blow...
Eddie:
[chewing his toast] Mmhm.
Richie:
And then we'll pop out and do ourselves a bit of shopping.
Eddie:
Right.
Richie:
There's a 28 inch, surround sound TV with FastText, FST, NiCam and loads of other bollocks no body understands, that I've had my eye on for a couple of months, now.
Eddie:
[retrieving the burnt marshmellows] Ooh! A bit overdone.
Richie:
Right, shopping list, shopping list... I'll go grab ahold of my ball point...
Both:
Oooh-Err!

[More glass shatters]
Eddie:
Oh no! Richie! No time for crap double entendres, Currie's windows just blown. They've just thrown Aswag[?] through it.
Richie:
Have they? Right, Bansai Baby! Balaclavas on and let's go shopping!

[They both pull on their balaclavas and leap up. Eddie stumbles around and ends up falling over the sofa.]


Scene Two

The Flat, later that evening.


[Richie & Eddie enter the living room, each carrying a large quantity of plastic shopping bags]
Richie:
You dropped it!
Eddie:
Yeah, well I was being run over by the Riot Squad!
Richie:
Well, two wrongs don't make a right, young man. Just because you're being run over doesn't mean you have to smash a television set! I could have been watching Sophie Grigson peeling a banana or washing a cucumber or anything!
Eddie:
She's married.
Richie:
I know, to the wrong bloke.
Eddie:
Still, at least we got the duck.

[holds up a small yellow rubber-ducky]
Richie:
The duck?
Eddie:
Yeah! It's made out of plastic!
Richie:
Eddie, what, in the name of Greek Buggery, is the use of a plastic duck?
Eddie:
It floats in the bath. ['floats' the duck up to Richie] Hello!
Richie:
But why?
Eddie:
It's hollow!
Richie:
No... Why the duck?
Eddie:
It came free with the telly.
Richie:
Eddie, everything came free with the telly, we were looting! Why didn't you get a free telly with the telly?!
Eddie:
Well it'd sink in the bath!
Richie:
Oh! [contemptible noises] Well, what else did you get?
Eddie:
I got a free police baton.
Richie:
Ooh! Interesting, let's have a look!
Eddie:
Yeah, well... [reaches around to his bum] I can't quite lay my hands on it.
Richie:
Nasty.
Eddie:
Yeah, it's one of those new long ones as well... With the side handle. It's playing merry hell with my liver.
Richie:
Oooh! Nasty!
Eddie:
Anyway, never mind about me, how did you get on?

[They both take their seats at the table, each with a cup of tea, and start talking like housewives]
Richie:
Well not bad, not bad... Boots was a bit crowded... And, eh W. H. Smith's was JAMMED and, eh... on fire a bit. There was an awful lot of blood in C&A's...
Eddie:
Hmmmmmm...
Richie:
Anyway, I popped into the post office on me way home, you know, to take some money out!
Eddie:
Yeah, yeah...
Richie:
It was a nightmare in there! You should have seen the queue!
Eddie:
Yeah!
Richie:
You wouldn't believe the queue!
Eddie:
I know. [lips move, but no actual speech for that line]
Richie:
By the time I got the front there was practically nothing left! There was no counter, no grill, no nothing!
Eddie:
Tell me something new, I mean Laura Ashley was practically impenetrable!
Richie:
Well I have heard that...
Eddie:
Mmm, Mmm.
Richie:
Oh, go on, have another hob-nob!
Eddie:
Doh! You are E-vil!
Richie:
Don't you start on me! Oooh, it's just so good to get your feet up, isn't it?!
Eddie:
No, I'm not that pervy.
Richie:
Are you not?!
Eddie:
Did you see the fight going on in the Cemelenia-like[?] Oooh! Such a mess!
Richie:
What can you do?
Eddie:
I don't know.
Richie:
I blame the TV.
Eddie:
I blame that Channel Tunnel.
Richie:
I blame those sprouts we had yesterday.
Eddie:
D'you know, I think I'm going to make a fresh pot of tea... This one's been sitting here for three and a half months.

[holds his cup up and tips it upside down, none spills out,, the tea has solidified]
Richie:
Count me in!

[Wrenches his cup from the table and hands it to Eddie, who goes into the kitchen]

How did you get on, Eddie?
Eddie:
Well, I was just coming out of the Body Shop... And there were an awful lot of bodies in there, I can tell you. And I thought, you know, I've just got time to nip down to the green-grocers and loot a couple of pounds of broccoli florets, and you'll never guess what!
Richie:
What?!
Eddie:
[turns around and points over to an empty space where, before their looting outing, the huge pile of Malibu crates had stood]

WE'VE BEEN BURGLED!!!
Richie:
[jumps to his feet] Well you may have been, young man! But I have never in my life! As a Christian, I'm so tightly clenched, that... Oh! Oh! Burgled!
Eddie:
There was one hundred and fifty six cases of Malibu there! One hundred and fifty six! That was going to see me through to the weekend! BASTARDS! Call the police!
Richie:
Eddie, you can't call the police at carnival time, they're all on fire!
Eddie:
BASTARDS!
Richie:
Oh, do try and be a bit more Buddhist about it.
Eddie:
BASTARDS! BASTARDS! BASTARDS!!!! If it wasn't for the fact that I've got another thirty six cases up stairs I'd BE REALLY ANGRY!!! Right! That's it! I'm going to write to my M.P.
Richie:
Why?
Eddie:
Because I love her!
Richie:
Eddie, Tony Blair is a man!
Eddie:
She's not! She's not!
Richie:
She is! She is!
Eddie:
[sobs] She's not, She's not!
Richie:
QUIET! Spectacles!

[Eddie takes off his glasses Richie pokes him in the eye]

Spectacles back on.

Now calm down about Tony Blair... And anyway, fret ye not, me old amigo, because, if you care to take a peek inside my trousers, I think you'll find something down there that'll put a little smile on your face!
Eddie:
What? You mean...
Richie:
Yes!
Eddie:
Sharon Stone!?
Richie:
Ye... No!
Eddie:
Sharon Stone, with a sort of 'Where's Eddie?' sort of expression on her face? Wearing nothing but a honey sandwich?
Richie:
No!
Eddie:
A jam sandwich!
Richie:
NO!
Eddie:
Got it! It's a kebab isn't it! It's a kebab!
Richie:
It's not a kebab, Eddie, It's not a kebab!
Eddie:
Sharon Stone, painted green...
Richie:
Oooh,
Eddie:
Vacuum packed with a copy of the racing post sticking out of her bum!
Richie:
Shut up!!

[Punches Eddie, who falls over backwards onto the sofa]

Shut up!!!

[punches Eddie five times, then revvs up a big one and let's him have it.]
Eddie:
Come in?!
Richie:
Just shut up, you sick, depraved Eddie-de-Sade! I've told you before not to tell me your foul deviant fantasies! Oh god, I won't be able to sleep tonight... I won't be able to see by tomorrow morning! Oh! Think Kennith Clark, Richie, just think Kennith Clark... Kennith Clark... Kennith Clark... Kennith Clark... Kennith Clark... John-Selwin-Gumma!

[looks down the front of his trousers]

Oh, it's gone.... Oh! I'd forgotten about that! Hey, Eddie! Look at this!

[He reaches into his trousers, grabs ahold of something and tries to yank it out, only to gasp in pain]

Wrong one! ... Take a look at this!

Da-da-da-da-da-da-daahhh!!

[pulls a large BBC camcorder out of the front of his trousers]

Whadda you think!?
Eddie:
How did you get all that in your trousers?
Richie:
Well, there's plenty of room in my trousers... Sadly.
Eddie:
And where did you get it from?
Richie:
Well, I found it in the back of a BBC van... I mean, it was just lying there, so I thought, I'll take it! I mean, I pay my license fee.
Eddie:
No you don't!
Richie:
Yeah, but they don't know that.
Eddie:
Master criminal!!
Richie:
Thanks, Eddie. Right, this is the plan:
Eddie:
Mmhmm.
Richie:
We are going to make our own movies, right?
Eddie:
Right...
Richie:
We're going to get famous and we're going to get our pick of the birds.
Eddie:
Ooooh! Right! Let's make 'Nine and a Half Weeks'... No! No! 'Nude Birds Go Upstairs to Eddie's Bedroom!'

[Starts heading out the door with the camera]
Richie:
No! No, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, come back... Honestly, you're so naive, aren't you! It's far more wily, my plan. Far more wily than that. Ok, who is the sexiest man on TV.
Eddie:
Well, Killroy, obviously.
Richie:
Of course, of course... Killroy. What I'm going to do, is I am going to make my very own prime time current affairs discussion programme!

[Eddie looks around at the camera, totally confused]

That's right! You heard me right the first time! Pretty crafty, hey! And if that doesn't get me sauced to Singapore and back then I'm a Dutchman!
Eddie:
Hillo, Yaculp!
Richie:
Hillo! Arongie bom, clog dyke windmill... SHIT!!

[Punches Eddie in the face. Eddie kicks Richie in the knackers and delivers a knockout punch, sending Richie crashing to the ground. Eddie waves his hand in pain]


Scene Three

The flat.


[The view shown, is that through the eye-piece of the camcorder. Richie is at the top of the stairs, dressed in his best suit and a white wig. Eddie is operating the camera]
Eddie:
Action!
Richie:
Hello, and good morning. Should Traffic wardens be armed? In the stu...

[Richie takes a step forward and comes crashing down the stairs and smashes through the bathroom door. Eddie follows around the door with the camcorder. Again the shot is through the eye-piece view. Richie is upside down on the toilet, his head lodged firmly in the bowl.]
Richie:
Oh! Gog! I'm stuck! Oh god, you bastard, Eddie! Why do you never flush the toilet?!
Eddie:
That was FANTASTIC, Richie! We could send something like that into Jeremy Beadle's Viciously Hilarious Violent Domestic Incidents!

Ah! Come on, let's do it again and this time I'll turn the camera on! AAH! We could make a fortune out of this!

[Richie manages to pull his head out of the toilet bowl and stand up straight, his white wig now stained and brown. He pulls it off his head in disgust.]
Richie:
Money!?
Eddie:
Yeah, if you really hurt yourself you can win up to a thousand pounds!
Richie:
Really?!
Eddie:
Everybody loves a light hearted bone crunching near death experience.
Richie:
Eddie! I think we may have found our milieu!
Eddie:
Shall I get a mop and a bucket?
Richie:
I'm a genius! We've got a camcorder, all we need to do is record an hilarious accident!
Eddie:
What about an dog?
Richie:
An dog on an skateboard?
Eddie:
An dog on an skateboard that accidentally hangs itself and then catches fire!
Richie:
This is good, Eddie, this is good, this is epic. This idea is catching fire... Right! Casting! Casting! Get me some dogs!

[They go into the lounge]

Casting, get me dogs, and ah, ah get me some jodhpurs and, eh, get me an eye patch and a casting couch, ah... With a nudey bird on it, ah. Major jugs... I mean MAJOR jugs! No! Scratch! Eddie, I've got it! It has to be a wedding! It has to be a wedding! We have to move with the market, Eddie, this is the eighties after all.

[Eddie looks confused at the camera again]

Right, all I need to do is to find a bird, get her to marry me, suddenly have a lot of friends to come to the reception and then suddenly at the dance afterwards... BAM! Someone accidentally falls over a bit!!
Eddie:
OR... You could accidentally catch a dart in your head.
Richie:
You may have something there, Eddie. [inadvertently points at Eddie's lip.]
Eddie:
Yeah, I think it's syphilis.
Richie:
I mean, everybody loves a dart in the head, don't they!
Eddie:
Yeah!
Richie:
That'll have the grannies wetting their knickers! I mean, toddlers falling off trikes...
Both:
PAH!!!
Richie:
This is the real stuff, we're living on the cutting edge of family video accidents! Let's do it!!


Scene Four

The kitchen of the flat.


[The view shown, is that through the eye-piece of the camcorder again. Eddie, wearing a full length apron, pink rubber gloves and hair curlers(!) stands in front of the stove and curtsies.]
Eddie:
[For camera] Ah... Just another ordinary day in my kitchen. I hope to goodness-gracious-me no viciously hilarious accidents happen.

[Picks up a frypan from the stove and mimics stirring it's contents]
Richie:
[off camera] Oh, Marjorie?
Eddie:
[turns around to camera] Yes dear?

[Richie throws a dart right at Eddie. It smashes through his glasses, sticking him right in the eye. He screams with pain]
Richie:
[walking onto the 'set'] Cut! Cut! Cut! The darts in the eye! The dart is in the eye!
Eddie:
Yeah, well I can see that!!
Richie:
Well that's not funny, that's just an accident! All right, reset to go again, everyone... Oh no, I'm the only one here, aren't I?!

[Eddie crashes into some saucepans]

Oh, all right, all right, I'll do it all myself.
Eddie:
Ow! Ow!
Richie:
Oh, goh...

[Richie pulls the dart out of Eddie's eyeball with a POP]

Now for Christ sake, try and catch it in your forehead, darling. You're not indispensable, you. Uh! Go again!!

[Eddie stumbles around blindly.]


Scene Five

The kitchen of the flat.


[Richie is standing behind the camera]
Richie:
Right, here we go. This is the one, this is the BAFTA. Try and enjoy it, Eddie, and... ... ... Action.

[Scene switches back to the through-the-lens view of the stove. Eddie walks slowly walks into shot. Clearly he has had enough of this.]
Eddie:
La la la la la la la la la lah. Just another... ordinary day in my kitchen...

[to camera] (Except I've lost the sight in one eye.)

I hope to goodness-gracious nothing horribly amusing happens today.
Richie:
[off camera] Oh, Marjorie?
Eddie:
[Sigh] Yes dear?

[Richie throws the dart right at Eddie again, this time it hits him right in the center of the forehead. He screams again]
Richie:
Come along! Come along!
Eddie:
['acting'] Oh! Drat those pesky kids! Ooooh dear! I feel all dizzy now. I hope to goodness-gracious-sake I don't fall into this frying pan full of hot burning fat. [Sigh]

[He picks the frypan up and pours the hot fat all over his front.]

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, bollocks, I'm all inflammable now... (Ah, matches? Matches?)

[Richie grabs a box of matches and runs up to Eddie]
Richie:
Come on, Eddie! We're losing the audience!

[Strikes a match and sets fire to the front of Eddie's apron. Huge flames & black smoke]
Eddie:
Oh no. Out of the frying pan, into the fire.
Richie:
Genius! Now the window!
Eddie:
Oh god, someone's left the window open! [looks around] No, someone hasn't left the window open. Oh well, I still hope I don't fall out of it. [jumps through the closed window, glass and window frame go everywhere. Richie runs onto the set and gives the thumbs up to camera & takes a bow.]


Scene Six

The Lounge.


[Eddie is sitting on the sofa with a rug over him, smoke still billowing out. His face is cut, hole in glasses and dart mark on the forehead. Richie sits beside him.]
Eddie:
How was it, then?
Richie:
Eddie, [pats his arm, Eddie screams in pain] You were fabulous! Just, jus, jus, jus, jus, jus... Just astonishing! I cried.
Eddie:
YOU cried!?
Richie:
Yeah, I cried... When I'd realized we hadn't put the tape in the camera... [holds the tape up]
Eddie:
The tape wasn't in the camera?
Richie:
Ish...
Eddie:
Does that mean there's a sort of... problem with the recording?
Richie:
We are going to have to go again.
Eddie:
What? Back to Casualty?
Richie:
[long fake laugh] You are a funny guy! Now come on, Darling, time is money, get back on your feet!
Eddie:
I've retired.
Richie:
Back on your feet, ducky! A blank tape's no good to me! Eh... No! Wait a minute! That's it! That's the joke! No one's tried that one before!

[Mimes writing a letter in mid air]

'Dear Be...dle, I was filming my wife accidentally... er... sewing her head to the curtains, when, joke on joke! I realized I'd forgotten to put the tape in the camera! Take a look at this blank cassette, I think you'll agree hilarity prevails! Please make the cheque out to Richard Richard.' It's brilliant!!

Oooh, Eddie, we'd just better check the tape, make sure it's blank... Oh no! We haven't got a video machine!
Eddie:
Don't be stupid, Richie! I picked up seventeen this morning! And there's another forty-three in the attic!

[pulls a sheet off a big pile of Orion VCR boxes.]
Richie:
Fantastic!! Hey, do you know how to wire them up?
Eddie:
You betcha, matey! Step to one side!


Scene Seven

The flat, about a week later.


[Richie is standing at the window. Rain splashes against the window and thunder rumbles in the distance.]
Richie:
Uhhh... Seems ages since the carnival.

[shot changes to the inside of the flat, Eddie is sitting on the floor surrounded by boxes, styrofoam and plastic bags.]
Eddie:
Yeah, must be about a week now.
Richie:
How's the video coming along?
Eddie:
Almost unwrapped. [Takes a cord from a plastic bag]
Richie:
Oh... Another wire.
Eddie:
Mmm... A white one.


Scene Eight

The flat, Christmas time.


[Richie nailing some tinsel over the doorway.]
Richie:
[singing] Over the hills we go, laughing all the way...
Eddie:
[in front of the telly] Hey, Rich! That's it! She's ready to go!
Richie:
Oh marvelous! At last!

[slings the hammer over his shoulder and runs over to Eddie. They both sit on the sofa]
Eddie:
Now... Installation instructions...
Richie:
What!? [sighs]
Eddie:
[reads from a manual] Number one... Stek deinen cop en den houten, an hashen nak den den...


Scene Nine

The flat, day before the Carnival of the following year.


[Richie comes through the door dressed in shorts and a shirt, a large sombrero, carrying a stuffed horse toy and two suitcases]
Richie:
[Singing] He rattled his maracas close to me... Hi, Eddie!
Eddie:
[still in front of the telly] Oh! Hya, Rich! How was your holiday?
Richie:
Oh, it was MARVELOUS! Glad to be back, though 'cause the carnival starts tomorrow! How's the video going?
Eddie:
Well, your timing's impeccable, because I only have to connect the Skart socket up to the lank connector, like so... [fiddles with wires at the back of the video]

And [gives a fan-fares] She's ready! Inside a year!
Richie:
Ah! Sterling work, Eddie. Come on, Let's fire her up!

[They both sit on the couch and Eddie presses a button on the remote control. There is an explosion and a cloud of smoke from the VCR]


Scene Ten

The flat, One hour later.

[Richie & Eddie stand at the door in the lounge, talking to some guy. Richie has a crate of Malibu]
Richie:
Thanks very much, mister video repair man. Crate of Malibu for cash?
Guy:
That'll do nicely. [takes it and goes off]
Eddie:
And, er, watch out for the top step!

[pulls a lever on the wall, there is a loud crash]

Ha ha ha! Gets them every time!
Richie:
Yeah! Give me five, Eddie!

[He holds his hand up for a 5, but Eddie punches him in the face five times instead.]

Yeah, they're great, these American things, aren't they!
Eddie:
Yeah.
Richie:
Right! All set, slap in the cassette, Eddie, and check its blank. This is it, Eddie, we're going to be frolicking in vodka flavored clover from here on in.

[Eddie puts the cassette in and plays it]
Eddie:
There you go, completely blan... Hey, hang on... What's that? [sits on the sofa next to Richie] It's a room... I don't recognize that...
Richie:
It's not in our house, is it?
Eddie:
Hold up, who's that coming in?
Richie:
Ooooh! It's the Prime Minister! [leaps to his feet]

Stand up, Eddie, for god sake! Salute!

[Richie salutes and Eddie sticks his fingers up]

That's enough of that.

[To telly] Good afternoon, sir...

Eddie, put a doily on the telly or something for Christ's sake! ... Sorry sir, carry on.
Eddie:
Is, uh... Is that his bedroom, do you think?
Richie:
Oh, very much so, I believe, yes. This is obviously a informal walk about the Prime Ministerial private departments.
Eddie:
Well it's very informal isn't it... He's taking his shirt off now!
Richie:
[Stands, applauds] The Prime Minster's nipples... It's a great honor, sir. It's obviously very hot.
Eddie:
He's obviously got a very hot todger as well. Hang on, who's she?
Richie:
Oh, that must be his Mummy...
Eddie:
Ohhuh.
Richie:
Yes, yes, yes, it's obviously the Prime Minister's bed time, yes..
Eddie:
Oh, I see...

[They both watch for a moment]
Richie:
That is very unusual behavior, isn't it?
Eddie:
Well... Maybe she's just chaining him to bed... In case he falls off.
Richie:
Yes, yes, yes, that must be it, yes and, look, look, she's very hot too, look she's taking her dress off... Oh look! [both laugh] she's brought him a little present!
Eddie:
Yeah!
Richie:
What is that, a sort of model of a moon rocket, isn't it?
Both:
WOWW!
Richie:
What did she stick it in there for!?
Eddie:
Maybe she's trying to take his temperature.
Richie:
Yes, that must be it, yes, yes, he's obviously ill, yes.
Eddie:
Well! That would be why he's so hot!
Richie:
Yes! Yes, of course. I mean, look at the poor little mite, he's groaning and thrashing around the place.
Eddie:
He's obviously got a very high fever... And that's why she's... sucking the poison out of him...

[They both lean forward, watching the telly intently.]
Richie:
I wish I had a mum like that.

[They both react in pain as they watch what happens next]
Eddie:
Yeah, that's right, thrash the fever out of him!
Richie:
He's saying something, Eddie, what's he saying? Turn the sound up.

[Eddie turns up the volume, but no sound is heard]
Eddie:
Oh, no, I think it's mute.
Richie:
Well, you can lip read, what's he saying?
Eddie:
'AH... Oh yes. Ooooh yes! Oh Yess! Oh Yes!! Oh! Oh! Oh! YES!! OOHH YESSS!! OOOOHH YESSSS!!! OOOOHHHH YEESSSSS!!! AAAAAaahhh...'
Richie:
Oh, yes, yes, he's calmed down a bit now.
Eddie:
Hang on, who's she?
Richie:
That must be his, his Auntie.
Eddie:
Ohh.
Richie:
She's VERY friendly, isn't she!?
Eddie:
I think they must be sisters.
Richie:
Yes, that must be it... ye... No! Don't sit there!
Eddie:
She can't have seen him!
Richie:
He'll suffocate!
Eddie:
OH!! I can't think that that's hygienic.
Richie:
...Eddie...
Eddie:
Yeah?
Richie:
Is it just me, or do you sense a slight sexual undercurrent to this? You don't suppose that what we're witnessing here is 'Prime Minister's perving about in a career threatening once-in-a-lifetime blackmailing opportunity for two wily old desperadoes like us'... time?
Eddie:
Where's the phone!?
Richie:
Stand back!

[They rush over to the telephone by the window. Richie grabs the receiver and dials a seemingly random number.]

Hello! Get me the Prime Minister! ... Because I want to blackmail him! ... Richard Richard! ... Oh shit!

[slams down the receiver] I accidentally gave my name away.
Eddie:
Oh.
Richie:
Eddie, you'll have to phone, and use an assumed name.
Eddie:
Right you are.

[Takes the receiver and mashes the keypad a bit]

Yes, Hello, I'd like to blackmail the Prime Minister. ... Ah, er, Richard Richard.

[Richie grabs the receiver and slams it down]
Richie:
You stupid idiot, Eddie! You bloody fool! They'll be on to us now!
Eddie:
Oh don't talk bollocks, Richie!!! It'll take weeks for them to catch up with us!

[The phone rings]
Richie:
Oh! [answers it] Hello? Oh! [to Eddie] It's the police!

[Eddie craps his dacks]

Yes? Ye...[fake nervous laugh]

[To Eddie] They say they've got the place surrounded by the SAS...It's a siege, Eddie! We've got to think fast!
Eddie:
Well, that's us knackerd, then, isn't it!?
Richie:
Yeah, well should we give in now?
Eddie:
OH! No, sandwiches! That's is! It's a siege, right! If we handle this right, we could eat like kings!
Richie:
Ok, Eddie, leave this to me.
Eddie:
Right.
Richie:
Hello? What kind of sandwiches do you do? ... SANDWICHES! [covers mouthpiece] They say they don't do sandwiches, they've a highly trained anti-terrorist organization.
Eddie:
Well, tell them they're talking to the wrong bloke!

[shouts into the mouth piece] I want three egg, two crab paste and one avocado and black pudding with white and tomato ketchup... And a can of tiser!

Let's start getting heavy!
Richie:
Did you get all that? ... Yeah? ... Yeah!! ... Yeah?
Eddie:
Yeah!!!
Richie:
Hah!
Eddie:
What does he say?
Richie:
He said throw out the cassette now, or he'll kill us immediately.
Eddie:
All right, well let's start negotiating downwards... Ah, what about Ritz crackers, twiglets, those little cheesy nibbly things...
Richie:
Right, right, ok, leave it to me, Eddie. [on phone] Hello, We take your point on the sandwiches... Er, what's your position on canapes? ... Oh, oh damn. Suppose a helicopter's out of the question then, is it? Oh, what about a nudey evening with Carol Barnes, the popular news reader?

[Eddie grabs the phone and shouts]
Eddie:
LOOK! I want half a curly-wurly and a packet of love hearts, and that's me final offer!!

[A burst of machine gun fire sprays across the wall and windows, Richie slams the phone down & the both hit the deck]

Circumstances can change awfully quickly these days, can't they?
Richie:
Well, this is the seventies, after all, Eddie.

[Eddie looks at Richie confused. The phone rings again]

Oooh! [they stand up and Richie answers it] Hello? For-for-for, For-for-forfor? ... It's them again!

[Eddie craps his dacks again]

Yes, hello, the colander.

[indicates the bullet holes in the walls]

Yes, we got your hint.

Eddie, throw down the video.
Eddie:
Right you are.

[he picks up the VCR and throws it out of the window.]

What does he say?
Richie:
He says... 'Ow! Go A squad' [hangs up the phone]
Eddie:
Go A squad?
Richie:
GO A SQUAD!

[Four members of the SAS burst into the room through the windows, door and ceiling (descending on ropes). They line up, machine guns pointed at Richie & Eddie]
Both:
OH SHIT!!

[The SAS start firing, slow motion shots of the guns firing and blood spurting from the chests of Richie & Eddie, freeze frame, the end.]


BOTTOM

Written by and starring

ADRIAN EDMONDSON and RIK MAYALL

Directed by

Bob Spiers

 


Episode Transcript 1997 by Pete Maddern [[email protected]]
HTML Conversion, and some slight fixes, by Ragica, Feb 1998.