Closure for a beaten soul Hindsight is 20/20 and now, I know that if I had known what lay in the future, I would've been saved a year of grief. In my circle of friends, he was Mr GoldenBoy. He did no wrong and everyone loved the little flirt. Hell, even I did. As one of the first people I became close to online, I leaned on him for support and showed him all of my accomplishments. Coincidentally, I also started to crush on him. He never could hold down a monogamous relationship. Always had several girls on the side.
I once hated your ex-gf, now I pity her because I almost know what she went through. Thank God I never felt it all, I probably would've shot myself in the head.
Soon, though, you started promising me things. A relationship, that you loved me... Things like that while the entire time, you were telling my sister that I needed help. That you could never fall for me. You told all of our friends that it would never work. Everyone but me. No, your phone calls became frequent and I started to believe that I loved you. I have never made a worse mistake in my entire life.

I think that Mel loved you just a bit more than I did. She made me hellza jealous but I understood where she was coming from. Who didn't at one time have a fling with you? You were sorta like the whore of our group, bouncing from chick to chick. It strained the friendship that we had and it still does. We both bore the weight that was you.

At Christmas, you promised me that nothing would happen. I wished with all of my heart that you meant it, but I knew that deep down, you wouldn't keep to that promise. No one knows this but on Christmas Eve/Christmas morning, at about midnight (when you reached her house), I was outside. I was freezing in the snow at the far end of my property with only a candle. Do you know what I was doing? I was praying. I prayed for strength to not get jealous. I prayed for God to see things my way and not let anything happen. And I also prayed for understanding if something did slip. I stayed out there for an hour. When I came back in, my hands and face were completely numb from the cold but my heart hadn't warmed any. I was still filled with dread.
You filled your days at her house talking to me on ICQ. You said that you fought with her and that you knew nothing would ever happen romantically between you two. I felt very reassured in this. Then, then you asked me out. Or at least, gave me the promise that as soon as you get home, we would be together. You also told me one more time that nothing had happened beyond a kiss or two. YOU FUCKING LYING BASTARD. I forgive her for I know what its like to think that you're completely in love with someone. But you, I can't forgive you for killing me like that. I had this plan, and you're very lucky that you lied to me for so long, because if you would have told me that you fucked around with Mel after telling me you wouldn't and that you wanted me, I would've shot myself while on the phone. I can't believe I would've killed myself for a little shit like you.

The next several months were hard. We were "going out" or at least, getting close. I don't think I loved you, I think that I just needed some support in my life. Something stable that played an authoritive role for me. That explains why all of your sick fantasies were okay with me. Your teacher/student role playing... Your schoolgirl fantasies. It never struck me as odd that a 20 year old wanted a 15 year old. I just thought myself lucky.

I kept my eyes off of other guys while we were "seeing eachother" but you never stopped. I was constantly hearing bout you flirting with my friends. It made me sick to my stomach but I never wanted to lose you for any reason. I was an ignorant, naive fool and I paid dearly for it. I started to believe that no one else in real life would ever want me and that this online love was the way to go. I thought that it was closer anyway and I knew that you weren't with anyone else when you were talking to me. Damn, could I have ever been so fucking wrong? You once bragged that you cybered 3 girls at the same time, none knowing. To think, I once wanted you to be my first so that someone who "truly loved me" could be tender with me.
When we started fighting, I saw the true you. I started huffing in order to compensate for the pain in my life. You thought you had it rough? I always had it 500 times worse than you did. You had a cakewalk. You used to always talk about how you were once a self mutilator. How once you put a knife through each of your palms. But you forgot about this story when you went to Mel's, because she looked and you said you didn't know what the hell she was talking about. How good of a pastor will you make if you can't get through one day without lying?

When you broke up with me on one of our anniversaries, I went out with my really good friend Amanda to get myself high. Little did I know that this started my independence from you. I started babbling to Amanda about what kind of an idiot you were and how I knew you were lying to me. She asked me quite simply why I put up with it. And you know what? I didn't have an answer. I think that I saw how much I DIDN'T need you. I saw how stupid I had been and how you were just playing me. You said it was never about just the cybering or the phonesex, I think you're wrong. It was all about that and the feeling that you got afterwards that finally, you had something no one else had. You liked the whole possession value. It was rather obvious since you were always calling me slut and whore when you were really turned on. God, the memory of your voice makes my stomach churn. I always said I loved it. Well, I lied. I always said you were cute. Well, I lied again. You aren't. And if you approached me IRL, I probably wouldn't give you a second glance.

In between our fights and my crying, I noticed someone else. Someone who went to my school. Someone I had always idolized. And imagine my surprize when he noticed me back. I found out that I CAN find someone offline. I found that I am a good person who deserves good things in return. I discovered that spark that is let free when two people who really like each other kiss. And not just *kiss* but kiss in real life. I guilt tripped for awhile but I also relished it because you knew how I felt for once. Only, when I kissed him, when he held me, I wasn't using him. I was using YOU, Michael. I played you at the end. Everyday, whether I was online or not, I was talking to him. When I went to school, I flirted with him. And I fell harder for him than I did for you. He is real to me. You're just some shit that found his way online. I loved it when I was finally free of you. When I could stop worrying about you and just feel great about my new love. My current love.

It felt so much better when I found out from a mutual friend that he liked me than it did when you proposed to me.

So, here I am. Having told all of your little dirty secrets, I feel a little bit better. Let me say this one thing though: If you ever hurt Mel more than you already have, I will personally find you and kill you. Consequences be damned. I will not watch her get burnt like you burned me. I will end your life, Michael. I promise you that.

I realize now what love is. Jonathan is wonderful and he's everything I could've ever wanted and so much more. My dad loves him and invites him over often. My dad hates you. I hate you. You never helped me, you merely took all of my problems and intensified them. You aren't bipolar. You're just simply an inadequate man who acts like a little boy. I pity your psychiatrist, because he has to listen to your bitch ass whining twice a week.

I hope one day, you stop hurting people. You must live a very lonely life. And I feel sorry for you.