HUMOROUS TOP TEN'S

TOP 10 STUPIDEST  THINGS TO DO WITH A GLASS OF WATER
TOP 10 STUPIDEST WAYS TO ANSWER THE TELEPHONE
TOP 10 STUPIDEST THINGS TO SAY AT A FUNERAL
TOP 10 STUPIDEST CRIMINALS
TOP 10 FUNNIEST THINGS TO SAY TO TELEMARKETERS
TOP 10 WAYS TO KEEP WACKINESS IN THE WORKPLACE
 

TOP 10 STUPIDEST THINGS TO DO WITH A GLASS OF WATER
10.Drink it!
9.Eat it!
8.Dehydrate it!
7.Pour it over your head and say you just came in from a downpour
6.Pour it over your head and call yourself stupid
5.Watch it evaporate
4.Fund a project to research to process of evaporation
3.Go swimming!
2.Give it a name and call it an ocean.
1.Pour some sea monkeys in and watch them grow

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TOP 10 STUPIDEST WAYS TO ANSWER THE TELEPHONE
10."Hi."
9."Hola!"
8."Hey Wassup?"
7."You have reached the resident of ___________, but no one is home right now....... so please leave a......."
6."Thank you, please pull around."
5."Do-Do-Do- I'm sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed!"
4."burp!"
3."Talk to I!"
2."911 Emergancy!"
1."Pizza Hut Japan, may I take your order?"

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TOP 10 STUPIDEST THINGS TO SAY AT A FUNERAL
10."What's that smell?"
9."So who's that sleeping in the box?"
8."I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit?"
7."I would have loaned him my good rope if I had known what he was going to use it for!"
6.(to the widow) "Now that your single, how about a date?"
5."It must suck to be dead"
4.(crying)" I guess I'm out of the buck he owes me." :~(
3."When do we eat?"
2."Can I have his car?"
1."People sure look stupid when they're dead."

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TOP 10 STUPIDEST CRIMINALS
10. Strike one!
      England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs
      with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes
      that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the
      tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount
      of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
 9. "Hello? Guns for hire?"
      Arizona: A company called "Guns for Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies,
      etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to
      have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
8. Say cheese!
      A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for
      this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the
      videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the
      videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
7. Drop everything and run!
      Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the
      machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off
      the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the
      scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their
      bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to
      the bumper.
6. Just forget it
      Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a
      refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of
      the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the
      mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging
      up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and
      returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the
      truck--so they abandoned it.
5. Ouch
      A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window,
      cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not
      get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window
      through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located
      a phone and dialed "911" for help . . .
 4. Let's do a little math
      A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20
      bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
      the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
      promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the
      $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen
      dollars.
3. I know I forgot something
      Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the
      money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his
      wallet on the counter.
2. You mean me?
      A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
      first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first
      bandit shot him.
1. The Hefty-bag
      A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a
      Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye
      holes in the mask.

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TOP TEN FUNNIEST THINGS TO SAY TO TELEMARKETERS
10. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

9. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

8. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

7. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where on earth she could know you from.

6. Say, "No", repeatedly. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

5. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

4. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood?"

3. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you.

2. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Mantermills." You: "Mantermills!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

1. Say to the Telemarketer, "Sorry, I can't talk right now but if you'd just give me your home phone number I'll call you when I'm not as busy. When they say in a flustered way that they can't give out their home number say, "Oh, I see...you don't want strangers calling you at your home! Now you know how I feel."

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TOP TEN WAYS TO KEEP WACKINESS IN THE WORKPLACE
10. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

9. Schedule meetings for 4:14 PM.

8. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers or tape dispensers.

7. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did
      this.

6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

5. When co-worker walks by motion him over, lean forward as if you are about to
      say something then go back to work.

 4. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For
      example, "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."

2. Include a personal note on every email that you send. "On a personal note, I'm
    feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to
    announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

1. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over
    backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the
    falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and
    say, "It's not funny anymore."

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