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10 STUPIDEST THINGS TO DO WITH A GLASS OF WATER
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10 STUPIDEST WAYS TO ANSWER THE TELEPHONE
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10 STUPIDEST THINGS TO SAY AT A FUNERAL
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10 STUPIDEST CRIMINALS
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10 FUNNIEST THINGS TO SAY TO TELEMARKETERS
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10 WAYS TO KEEP WACKINESS IN THE WORKPLACE
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10 STUPIDEST THINGS TO DO WITH A GLASS OF WATER
10.Drink it!
9.Eat it!
8.Dehydrate it!
7.Pour it over your head and say you just came
in from a downpour
6.Pour it over your head and call yourself stupid
5.Watch it evaporate
4.Fund a project to research to process of evaporation
3.Go swimming!
2.Give it a name and call it an ocean.
1.Pour some sea monkeys in and watch them grow
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10 STUPIDEST WAYS TO ANSWER THE TELEPHONE
10."Hi."
9."Hola!"
8."Hey Wassup?"
7."You have reached the resident of ___________,
but no one is home right now....... so please leave a......."
6."Thank you, please pull around."
5."Do-Do-Do- I'm sorry, your call cannot be completed
as dialed!"
4."burp!"
3."Talk to I!"
2."911 Emergancy!"
1."Pizza Hut Japan, may I take your order?"
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10 STUPIDEST THINGS TO SAY AT A FUNERAL
10."What's that smell?"
9."So who's that sleeping in the box?"
8."I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit?"
7."I would have loaned him my good rope if I
had known what he was going to use it for!"
6.(to the widow) "Now that your single, how about
a date?"
5."It must suck to be dead"
4.(crying)" I guess I'm out of the buck he owes
me." :~(
3."When do we eat?"
2."Can I have his car?"
1."People sure look stupid when they're dead."
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10 STUPIDEST CRIMINALS
10. Strike one!
England: A German
"tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs
with his golf
bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes
that the tourist
does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the
tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount
of narcotics was
found in the golf bag.
9. "Hello? Guns for hire?"
Arizona: A company
called "Guns for Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies,
etc. One day,
they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to
have her husband
killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
8. Say cheese!
A man successfully
broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for
this?--the bank's
video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the
videotape recorder
was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the
videotape of himself
stealing the camera.)
7. Drop everything and run!
Two men tried
to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the
machine to the
bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off
the machine, though,
they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the
scene and drove
home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their
bumper still attached
to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to
the bumper.
6. Just forget it
Virginia: Two
men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a
refrigerator.
Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of
the houses, and
loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the
mud, so these
brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging
up *more* walls,
floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and
returned to the
pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the
truck--so they
abandoned it.
5. Ouch
A man successfully
broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window,
cutting himself
up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not
get to the money
from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window
through which
he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located
a phone and dialed
"911" for help . . .
4. Let's do a little math
A man walked into
a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20
bill on the counter
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the
$20 bill on the
counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen
dollars.
3. I know I forgot something
Indiana: A man
walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the
money in the register.
When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his
wallet on the
counter.
2. You mean me?
A pair of Michigan
robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted,
"Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first
bandit shot him.
1. The Hefty-bag
A man went into
a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a
Hefty-bag face
mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye
holes in the mask.
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TEN FUNNIEST THINGS TO SAY TO TELEMARKETERS
10. If they want to loan you money, tell them
you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
9. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.
8. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
7. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where on earth she could know you from.
6. Say, "No", repeatedly. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
5. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
4. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood?"
3. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you.
2. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Mantermills." You: "Mantermills!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
1. Say to the Telemarketer, "Sorry, I can't talk right now but if you'd just give me your home phone number I'll call you when I'm not as busy. When they say in a flustered way that they can't give out their home number say, "Oh, I see...you don't want strangers calling you at your home! Now you know how I feel."
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TEN WAYS TO KEEP WACKINESS IN THE WORKPLACE
10. Name all your pens and insist that meetings
can't begin until they're all present.
9. Schedule meetings for 4:14 PM.
8. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers or tape dispensers.
7. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you
haven't lost your shoes since you did
this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
5. When co-worker walks by motion him over, lean
forward as if you are about to
say something
then go back to work.
4. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3. Send email to the rest of the company telling
them what you're doing. For
example, "If anyone
needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
2. Include a personal note on every email that
you send. "On a personal note, I'm
feeling a bit tired and grumpy
today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to
announce that I got my highest
score ever on Tetris last night."
1. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair,
lean back too far, and fall over
backwards. Laugh hysterically
for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the
falling-over exercise, but
instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and
say, "It's not funny anymore."