Courtship was considered
more a career move than
a romantic interlude
for young men,
as all of a woman's
property reverted
to him upon marriage.

Therefore courting was
 taken very seriously--by both
sides. Men and women
were careful not to
lead the other on
unnecessarily.

From the time
she was young,
a woman was groomed
for this role in life--
dutiful wife and mother.

Properly trained,
she learned to sing, 
play piano or guitar,
dance and be conversant
about light literature
of the day.

She also learned French
and the rules of etiquette
as well as the art of
conversation and 
the art of silence,
 

COMING OUT'
THE COURTSHIP
RITUAL
 

Coming out meant
a young woman had completed her education and was officially
available on the marriage mart.

Financial or family circumstances
might delay or move
up a girl's debut, though typically, she came out when
she was seventeen or eighteen.

She purchased a new wardrobe
for the season, in order to appear her best in public.

A girl was under her mother's wing for the first
few years of her social life.

She used her mother's 
visiting cards, or that of another female relative if 
her mother was dead.

This same person
usually served as her chaperone, as a single 
girl was never allowed out 
of the house by herself, 
especially in mixed company.

Courtship advanced by gradations, with couples
first speaking, then walking 
out together, and finally keeping company after
mutual attraction 
had been confirmed.

But a gentleman had to take
care in the early stages of courtship.

If he was introduced to a lady at a party for the purpose 
for dancing, he could not automatically resume
their acquaintance 
on the street.

He had to be re-introduced
by a mutual friend. 
And then, only upon  permission of the lady.

The lower classes had opportunities to socialize 
at Sunday Service, 
Church suppers and holiday balls, while upper classes held their social events throughout the season. The season ran from April to July.

Some families arrived
in town earlier if
Parliament was in session.

A typical debutante's day
meant she rose at 11a.m.
or 12 noon, ate breakfast
in her dressing room,
attended a concert or
drove in the Park,
dined at eight, went to the opera, then to three or four parties until 5 a.m--all
under the watchful eye of
her chaperone.

Great care had to be taken
at these public affairs,
so as not to offend a possible suitor or his family. Following are some rules of conduct a proper female must adhere to:
 
 

She never approached people
of higher rank, unless being introduced by a mutual friend.
 

People of lesser rank
were always introduced to people of higher rank,
and then only if the higher-ranking person had given his/her permission.
 

Even after being introduced,
the person of higher rank 
did not have to maintain the acquaintance. They could ignore, or 'cut' the person 
of lower rank.
 

A single woman never
addressed a gentleman 
without an introduction.
 

A single woman never
walked out alone. Her chaperone had to be older
and preferably married.
 

If she had progressed
to the stage of courtship in
which she walked out
with a gentleman, they always walked apart.

A gentleman
could offer his hand over rough spots, the only contact he was allowed with a woman who was not his fiancée.
 

Proper women never
rode alone in a closed carriage
with a man who wasn't a relative.
 

She would never call
upon an unmarried gentleman
at his place of residence.
 

She couldn't receive
a man at home if she was alone.
Another family member
had to be present in the room.
 

A gentlewoman never
looked back after anyone in the street, or turned to stare at others at church, 
the opera, etc.
 

No impure conversations were
held in front of single
women.
 

No sexual contact was allowed
before marriage. Innocence
was demanded by men
from girls in his class,
and most especially 
from his future wife.
 

Intelligence was not encouraged, nor was any interest in politics.
 
 

A woman was allowed some liberties, however. She could flirt with her fan, as this behavior was within the protocol of accepted
behavior. Here are what different signals meant:
 

Fan fast
--I am independent

Fan with right hand in front of face
--Come on

Fan with left hand in front of face
--Leave me

Fan open and shut
--Kiss me

Fan open wide
--Love

Fan half open
--Friendship

Fan shut
--Hate

Fan swinging
--Can I see you home?
 
 

NEGOTIATIONS
 

By the end of the season,
many relationships had
been cemented,
with an eye to the future.

Thus began the serious chase,
with marriage the ultimate goal.

There was a camaraderie
among upper class women.

They advised, gossiped,
told secrets and wrote
passionate letters to each
other.

They were the chief
arrangers of social affairs,
but woe to anyone
who made an enemy of them,
as they could be ostracized
forever from society.

When a young girl was
on good terms with
these social select, she could
expect help in making
an advantageous match.

There were rules to follow
even here, however.

Until 1823, the legal age in England
for marriage was 21 years--for men
and women.

After 1823,
a male could marry as young
as fourteen without parental consent,
and a girl at 12.

Most girls,
however, married between
the ages of 18 and 23,
especially in the upper classes.

It was also illegal to marry
a deceased wife's sister.

But you could marry first cousins.

The attitude toward first-cousin
marriages changed by the
end of the century, however.

Marriage was encouraged
only within one's class.

To aspire higher,
one was considered an upstart.

To marry someone of lesser
social standing was considered
marrying beneath oneself.

In upper class marriages,
the wife often brought
with a generous dowry
--an enticement for marriage.

The financial aspects
of a marriage were openly discussed,
much like the pre-nuptial agreements
of today.

Both parties disclosed
their fortunes.

A man had to prove his
worth in keeping
his wife in the level of life
she was accustomed.

A woman,
often looking to improve her
social standing,
used a dowry as a lure.

To protect an heiress,
her family could set up an estate
trust for her,
which would be controlled
by Chancery Court.

The woman would
have access to this
property if she applied,
but her husband could not touch it.

An unmarried woman of 21
could inherit and administer
her own property.

Even her father
had no power over it.

Once she married, however,
all possessions
reverted to her husband.

She couldn't even make
a will for her personal property,
while a husband could
will his wife's property
to his illegitimate children.

Therefore, marriage,
although her aim in life,
had to be very
carefully contemplated.

Because many marriages
were considered a business
deal, few started with love.

Although as the years passed,
many couples grew tolerably
fond of each other,
often resulting in a bond
almost as deep as love.
 

THE ENGAGEMENT

The bank accounts have been studied, the ancestral lineages inspected, and political connections explored.

If both parties passed muster,
the next step toward marriage
was the engagement.

If it had not already been done,
the man was introduced
to girl's parents and 
her peer group.

Permission for asking for the
daughter's hand in marriage
had to be granted by bride's father, although the gentleman
could wait until he had his
bride's consent before asking.

A proposal was best made 
in person, with clear, 
distinct language, so the girl might not misunderstand the gentleman's intent.

If he could not
bring himself to propose
in person, he could do 
so in writing.

A girl did not have to accept
her first proposal.

She could play coy.

A short time was allowed
to elapse before an engagement was announced,
except to the most intimate
friends/family of both parties.

This was a precaution,
lest the engagement be
ended by either party.

The mother hosted a dinner party once the engagement was announced.

The purpose of this dinner
was to introduce the fiancé
to his bride's family.

A more formal
evening party may have followed.

Once the groom had been introduced to bride's family, the bride was then introduced to his.

This could be a very trying time
for a young girl, as a mother-in-law's
eye was often critical.

After the engagement was announced to the family,
the bride wrote to the rest
of her friends with the news.

At the same time,
her mother wrote to the 
elders of these families.

Engagements lasted from
six months to two years
depending upon ages
and circumstances.

The engagement was finalized
with a ring.

The size and stone depended
upon the groom's finances.

They could be in the
form of a love knot, 
a simple band, or a band embedded with different stones whose initials spelled out a name or word of love.

For example, the Prince of Wales, Albert Edward, gave
Princess Alexandra of Denmark
a 'gypsy ring' with the stones Beryl, Emerald, Ruby, Turquoise, Hyacynth and Emerald, to spell out his nickname, "Bertie."

A woman could, in turn,
give her fiancé a ring,
although it was not required.

The couple could become
a bit more intimate once
they were engaged.

They could stroll out alone,
hold hands in public, and
take unchaperoned rides.

A hand around the waist,
a chaste kiss, a pressing
of the hand, were allowed.

They could also visit alone
behind closed doors.
But they had to be dutifully
separated by nightfall,
or overnight at country parties.

Thus, if the engagement was broken, the girl suffered the consequences of a ruined reputation because of her previous behavior.

An honorable man
never broke an engagement,
so as not to cause the girl discomfiture.

Unfortunately, 
some engagements
did end, with resulting
embarrassment and possibly
even legal action should it be
terminated by one party over
the protest of the other.

A "breach of promise" suit
might result in one party paying for the other's damages, such as cost
of a wedding gown and trousseau.

This was one reason news
of the betrothal was often kept from family and friends.

It wasn't considered official,
and therefore would
not hold up in court.

Women were even cautioned as to what they wrote
in letters and journals,
should the case go that far.

As callous as all this sounds,
there was true romance
and love during the 
Victorian era.

Why else did samples of
heart-rending verses
and flowery cards last
through the ages for us
to ponder and dream over?

Perhaps it was these
very constraints and
rules that made true love 
all the more special to 
those
who found it.

For lucky were the ones who
found love within their class,
and within the approval
of their families.

Yet even those marriages
that did not begin with love,
often ended in a
deep, endearing attachment
that would be envied by many.'