02.07.99
When all else fails...
I don't know where to begin tonight. My mind and heart have been on opposite ends of everything that has taken place this weekend. So much has happened. I took my two boys (one being the dog) to the park Saturday morning. Minutes after we were there, the little soccer team showed up for practice. We would have stayed to watch but my 4-legged baby spotted a little white pooch who belonged to one of the players. I don't think the kids would have concentrated too much on their practice with all the barking and running around the dogs were doing, so we left out of there early. It was still early in the day so I thought I would give the lawn its first cut of the year. My son shocked me by wanting to mow the grass. He is not a yard worker. But wouldn't you know, just my luck the mower dies on us when the front yard was 2 feet from being completed. Now I have a larger backyard that looks like a jungle of dead leaves, branches and tall brown grass. That's when Plan C hit me. Clean The House. It was quiet and the house was free of little humans. I began on the housework. Not minutes later, the crew comes home. And that's when I realized ... THIS is why I am constantly in front of my computer in my own little space. That's exactly where I parked myself for the rest of the evening. Everything I had tried to accomplish that day just failed. Well, except for the work I needed to do on this machine. I caught up with my web page. Okay, maybe not caught up, but getting there! It definitely needs a face lift. Maybe on my next failed day I will think about working on it in more detail.
Wile I was online, I received a somewhat startling message. I wasn't all too surprised that this person found me, but I was actually shocked with his comments. This man that got a hold of me Saturday, is the same man that caused me so much pain this past October. I hadn't heard from him since he's left. And in my opinion, from our four hour conversation, he wants to somehow maneuver himself back into my life. I am so confused. I gave my heart to this man and in turn it fell twice as hard. I can't allow myself to jump into that relationship again -- head first. He had so many things to tell me regarding his feelings for me. I just don't know whether to believe him or not. I have no reason to trust him because of his past actions and I just think that his pride stands in the way of his honesty. And when it boils down to it, I don't know how I could ever trust him again. I was up until 4:00 a.m. this morning talking to him via phone and online. Woke up this morning at 7:30, so my body is begging for more sleep.
With all that from last night going on, I get THE most shocking statement today from the one man I could fall for in a heartbeat: "... I think it is time we meet." I froze as a numbness crept through my entire body. He knows I have been dying for him to tell me that. If things go right, it looks like it will be this coming weekend that I can finally see this man in the flesh. I don't know if it will come to pass or not, so I won't get my hopes up too high. That has happened once before and it was a big let down. Maybe if I don't dwell on it, it won't be so difficult to deal with if it doesn't happen. But I do think about it often and ever since he has said that last comment to me, I've been numb. It actually scares me so much. Not a fear as in terrified but a fear of disapproval by him towards me.