Bill Gates: the unluckyrecipient of a cream pie.
Bill Gates: the unluckyrecipient of a cream pie.
I AM NOT A TARGET MARKET
Dennis Miller Rants
the rantings and ravings ofundeniable brilliance and wit. these rants are available onlinein .wav and realaudio formats. scrolll down to the end of thepage for the link. laugh aloud... its o.k. {wink}
Philanthropy
Ithink most Americans have their priorities straight when it comesto helping their fellow man, but when the philanthropic turnsbeaurocratic, well then thats when things start to get reallyreally ugly. Charity has become big business, and charitableorganizations use a range of guilt inducing techniques to playexquisitely on our sense of obligation -- like lurch on aharpsicord. Why can't I satisfy my sweet tooth without it nowbeing some sort of a political statement, like Ben & Jerry'stelling me that the portion of the proceeds from their ice creamare now going to save the endangered Albino Mudskippers of theGalapagos. Hey, maybe i just want the f***in ice cream, alright?!Maybe i got a bug up my ass about Albino Mudskippers -- and heyhow much cheaper would the ice cream be if you weren't givingsome of the profits away? How about you lower the price and let medecide what jag-off species i want to prop-up, ok?!Listen boys, you got a cosmic break in the frozen dessert field,don't get all gorilla-in-the-misty-eyed on me. Just comb yourbeards, churn the butter fat, and give me my monkey hunky chunkybunky, alright?!
Politically Correct Pets
Prozac for dogs, huh...Well why not? With all the lines and our wishy washy culturebeing blurred on a daily basis, why not convert man's best friendinto man's best co-dependent partner. Now i don't want to get offon a rant here, but lately its become unfashionable to call youranimal a 'pet' because it implies ownership and unequal status --the politically correct term is 'animal companion' -- oh shut up,I'm sick of this stupid word parsing crap, its a pet, alright?!Its not an equal relationship and we both like it better that way.Fido will be my 'animal companion' the day he follows mearound with a baggie picking up my sh**.
Written Permission
Nowadays certainuniversities make you get written permission from somebody beforeyou can have any physical contact with them -- oh thats justgreat, you're pasty faced, lonely, horny, insecure and now inaddition to breaking the news to your date that you're going tohave to go dutch with her at the soup-plantation because you blewall your money on a keg-erator, she's also got to write a threepage essay on why she'd like to accompany you back to yourpathetic-little-yasmin bleeth -poster-decorated-corner-of-hell,you call a dorm room that you share with a guy named Spoogie --who's rigorous masturbation schedule means that he only leavesthe room for meals and to land his ship in line for PhantomMenace tickets. But Spoogie's out at the clinic tonight, gettingthat thing looked at. You're just praying your date won'tlaugh at you when you read her the liner notes from 'Melancholyand the Infinite Sadness' in a pathetic attempt to get her in themood to submit to your clumsy, feeble gropings and your way toosloppy ear kisses... ah, you suave bastards you.
Just released figures showthat tax payers paid 6.2 million dollars for the investigation ofMonica Lewinsky's involvement with President Clinton...Hey Bill,do you have any idea how much head 6.2 could have bought?!...froma discrete professional??!!
Lets see, whats new in theworld this week... well, that Kosovo thing is almost over. Canyou believe we had to go through all that trouble just to bombthe Chinese Embassy?
Link to Dennis Miller Live: http://www.hbo.com/dml
The Estimated Prophet
a Floyds-Kat idea in theworks