-------------------------------------------------------------------- The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE Part Thirtyfive - The Kitten -------------------------------------------------------------------- ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ -------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene: DDFA's hovel, in the depths of darkest Adelaide, bizarre murder capital of Australia and PROUD OF IT. (It helps to keep the Queenslanders at bay). DDFA is sitting in front of his computer in the midst of the mess that makes up his loungeroom / dining room / kitchen, and openly wonders whether it may be representative of his state of mind. DDFA: I wonder whether this is representative of my state of mind.... DDFA quite frequently talks to himself. It helps to make the voices go away. It's either that, or he stalks someone for the hell of it. Coming to a realisation, he jumps out of his seat. DDFA: EUREKA! I've come to a realisation. He then realises that he has wacked his legs against the crossbar of the chair, and is in an extreme amount of pain. Yet another brilliant realisation from this wonderful scholar of life. After dancing around the room for several minutes, making noises of pain, he realises that he has forgotten what his realisation was, and curses the little distractions of life. He gets back into his chair and picks up a Newtype magazine, browsing through pictures of the latest anime series. DDFA: Oh my God, it's EYEPATCH GIRL! What a brilliant concept. I'm glad I've lived this far. All I need now is to be permanently tormented by a kitten and I'll be complete. As if on cue, DDFA's new pet kitten, Jing Jing, leaps out of nowhere and attacks his bare toes, attempting to consume them. DDFA nods sagely and rolls up the Newtype, tightly, and.... DDFA: Hur hur hur.... Betcha thought I was gonna belt her one. Well, I might be a raving psycho, but I know a cat with promise when I see one. Meanwhile, within the depths of his foetid den, The Legend takes note that the Sailormoon Romance fanfic archive site has been having problems. Rousing himself from his usual state of fear and loathing of everything outside the walls of his residence, he grabs the keyboard and infects the world with a little bit more of his particular brand of wit. The Legend: ... and there was much rejoicing. After sending off the barbed comment, feeling he has confirmed his existence by, once more, putting someone in their place, well below his esteemed position, he plots his next travesty of writing in the name of his overbloated and ravenously hungry ego. Maybe another love story between Usagi and Rei? Meanwhile, in a playground in Tokyo, Minako is sitting on one of the swings, rocking backwards and forwards slowly. She looks around the playground, unsurprised to find that she is the only one there. She stops the swing, her feet dragging in the small pit of ground, dug out by the feet of the swing's many users. Minako: I should go. She swallows and resumes swinging. Minako: I don't HAVE to go. They'll realise I won't be coming, and continue on with what they were going to do. I'm really quite unimportant. She stops swinging once more, staring at the sky. Smoke is gently floating overhead. Minako: I wonder if anyone survived that plane crash. Does anyone survive plane crashes? Not when they're important enough, it seems. I wonder if I'd die if I were involved in an airline accident. I'd probably be the cause. They'd let me in the cockpit, I'd touch one of the controls and.... BANG! We're plummeting towards the ground at a great rate of knots. She looks back down at her feet. Minako: What a sad, lonely person I am. Always having to confirm my existence through appearing happy, being the centre of attention. Always the centre of attention. That's all that has mattered to me. To be at the heart of everything that happens. But when it's all over, when everyone fades away, I'm left feeling empty. Minako sighs and starts swinging once more, much wilder than before. Her eyes open wide and she has a strange smile on her face. Minako: Who am I kidding. I don't really care if there are lonely moments. I'll have the opportunity to dive into the eye of another storm. After all, it's what I live for. Minako flies off the swing, allowing momentum to carry her forward. She flies through the air in a graceful arc, spinning like a gymnast. Minako: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! She lands face forward, in the dirt, her hands stretched out in front of her. After a few moments of silence, in which the swing has found the occasion to sweatdrop, Minako raises her dirt-stained face. Minako: Hah! It'll take more than this to make me feel miserable. A jogger runs through the playground, stomping hard on Minako's back. She twitches in pain for about a minute as the jogger disappears. Slowly, she lifts herself from the ground. Minako: No, I won't be made to feel miserable by a conspiracy of universal forces. A red mini, driven by an elderly man, flies through the playground, running Minako over. Before Minako can get up, a Mini-Pat, containing two policewoman, follow through. One of the policewomen is leaning out from the passenger-side window, shaking a fist at the mini. Natsumi: MATTE! Both cars disappear into the distance. Minako's tear-streaked face rises from the dirt. Minako: I will not cry. I'm determined not to cry. If I cry, it will confirm the depth of my misery. Minako lifts herself up, shakily, on all fours, trying to ignore the fact that she is bleeding quite profusely from several deep cuts. Minako: I don't need to go to the hospital. I am immune to the ills that curse others. I shall be happy.... I shall be happy. At that point, a meteor lands on top of Minako. All that can be seen of the unfortunate girl are her head and feet, sticking out from either side of the steaming rock. Minako: I.... don't.... feel.... this.... weight.... I.... really.... don't.... feel.... this.... weight.... Minako strains, with almost superhuman energy, and starts to lift the large ball of rock on her back. Minako: I know I can.... I know I can.... Just as Minako has lifted herself, once more, onto all fours, a small bird lands on top of the rock. Like the last straw, Minako collapses under the sudden gain in weight. Minako: Bugger! This just isn't my day. Bird: Cheep. Minako: Shutup, you! Bird: Cheep cheep. Minako: I bet you think this is funny. Bird: Cheep. Minako: And say "piyo piyo" like normal Japanese birds, damn you! Bird: Piyo. Minako: That's better. Bird: Piyo. Minako: Look, stop sitting there and get off, will you? Bird: Piyo. The bird turns and calls to a nearby tree. Within seconds, there are a dozen small birds sitting atop the rock, with a fuming Minako underneath. Minako: Dost thou have a problem with thy language? I didn't say "call your family to join you", I said "get off". Comprende? Bird: Piyo. Minako: P.O. to you, too! Bird: Piyo. Minako: Right! Now you've made me mad! VENUS PLANET POWER, MAKE UP! After a very unusual henshin scene, due to the fact that it occurs all within the confines of the rock base, Sailorvenus throws the meteor from her back, sending the birds flying in every direction. She poses, pumping her muscles like a bodybuilder. Venus: Pure SENSHI POWER. Those birds won't be messing with me, again. There is an exploding sound, and Venus turns to see the top of Tokyo Tower flying away from its mountings after being severed by the meteor. Venus: Oops.... *sweatdrop* I didn't do that. Nope, I know nothing. As she strides away, she slips on a banana skin and flies forward, winding herself on a set of bars. Meanwhile, in DDFA's hovel, he pets his cat as the feline digs her claws into his arms, drawing blood. DDFA: Owwie.... Well, Jing Jing, what do you reckon? Have we given Minako enough misfortune, yet? Jing Jing gives DDFA the "GIVE ME FOOD, YOU HUMAN FOOL" look, and he wisely decides to stop the fanfic just about here, before she decides to eat him. END OF PART 35 -------------------------------------------------------------------- ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ -------------------------------------------------------------------- Will Jing Jing eat DDFA? Was there a segment missing from this fanfic in the version sent to the FFML? Will Minako ever truly realise her true nature as comedy relief? Where the hell are Ami and Makoto, fer Chrissakes? Are they REALLY disguised as the Dir... The Lovely Angels, for reasons known only to the author? Are those reasons something along the lines of "he likes writing fanfics about girls wearing next to nothing, or just plain nothing, per se"? What is the true nature of the Fnord? What does it have to do with the Christmas Squid joke? All these questions, and more, in the next chapter of "The Fanfic Formerly Known As...." That Pikachu is not dead.... It's just resting. ^_^ _________ / @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page) / / ^ ^ \ \ darkdayforanime@hotmail.com /\ "I saw his body thrashing round, I saw his \/ \/ pulse rate going down, I saw him in \___________/ convulsive throes, I said 'I'll have one of /_/ \_\ PU those'." (He'll Never Be An) Old Man River - TISM TROGGLE 1.0 - Thursday, 22nd July 1999