Its been really difficult coming to the realization that my birth father was a complete creep. It took more than a few nights of crying on my best friend's shoulder plus the anguish of knowing that if I could just do one more thing to save it, it would work. What I have come to realize is that it never would and never will - mainly because in order for any relationship to work, it takes the commitment of two people and while my commitment probably was the commitment of two, my birth father never realized he ever had one and that was to me.

As I have looked back at the situation, I can see that the words of my mother were tainted by the feelings she had towards my birth father. And I can see that the nasty things he would say about her were also colored in the same way. Unfortunately, I was the one caught in the middle of this hatred and I was the one who suffered.

Part of the problem I had with my birth father is my perception of being abandoned by him when he left that note on the table. He never made an effort to see me, gain custody of me and only paid support under court order. I couldn't help but feel as if I would have had a chance at a better life had he taken me with him. I very plainly described to him the abuse I had grown up with - sexual, physical and emotional - but yet he refused to see that he had any part in it which I strongly felt he did by leaving me and by signing away his rights to me.

Until the end he would never admit he walked out on ME. He always talked about my presence then as if I were little more than a floral arrangement. He would viciously attack both my mother and grandmother, whom he knew I was incredibly close to, and blame them for everything that had happened to HIM but not once would he accept responsibility for what his actions did to ME.

I think this is what I wanted most of all up until the end. I wanted him to apologize - even if it was to say he was just a kid (20 years old) and was scared and thats why he left me. But to cowardly wait until we were out of the house and leave a 5 word note as explanation I think shows how immature he was and the fact that he couldn't accept responsibility for the action demonstrated how immature he still is. There was always someone else responsible for that note and his leaving, but never him.

He even went so far as to blame ME for my own abuse!! Unfortunately, I was too wrapped up in him, his lies and his control to understand that he was actually demeaning me for events I had no control over.

He was the control in that he would decide when HE saw me, when my SISTER saw me, when his FAMILY saw me. He controlled what they knew about me and what I knew about them. He would set up situations so that his family and I would have no contact whatsoever and then I found out he had told them that I was psychotic and they should stay away from me. This was completely opposite of the truth and probably reflected HIS reality more so than mine. But he did accomplish what he set out to for this eroded whatever chances I had at a relationship with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to this day and thats sad because the animosity is based on lies. Unfortunately, he is the family "golden boy" and even though they recognize and have admitted he is an accomplished liar, they have stood by him and believed him in this situation.

The last time I had contact with him was through email. He sent a particularly vile message and after I forwarded it to my best friend, with his help and love, I never replied and never looked back.

Since then I have come to see him for the monster he is. I feel sorry for my sister, who is now 19 years old. Unfortunately, she will never realize what happened that took her sister from her and its probably just as well that she never finds out.

I have also accepted that not all birth parents are to be found. Perhaps I should have held my emotions more in check and consulted a therapist sooner. In any event, I should have checked him out a lot better than I did. While you may want to find your birth parent more than you have ever wanted anything in your life, you also have to be prepared for the ugliest, nastiest situation you can ever imagine being involved in and be prepared to survive and get out of it intact.

In the aftermath of this situation, I was laid of from my job in Northern Virginia and moved back to our home in Western Pennsylvania to spend more time with my son who has developmental problems. My husband luckily found a good job and eventually completed his Masters degree. While I already have a BA degree, I decided to go back to school to get a degree in Engineering Technology.

Things are looking so much better and I can truly say that without the support of my friends and family, I daresay I would have been able to extract myself whole from that situation. I realize now I never would have gotten what I wanted and needed from my birth father no matter how much of myself I gave and in the process I almost lost myself. I am truly happy with my life and while my experience was disastrous, I am glad I made the journey and hope that my story can somehow be a lighthouse to others who are searching the same seas.

Read my Dreambook! Sign my Dreambook!

Return to Seek-N-Find