Finding a birth parent can be an emotional roller coaster from start to finish for everyone involved. There are so many dependent variables that it almost seems likely that someone will probably get hurt or at the very least have some bad impressions of the experience.

The first thing to remember is that this isn't just YOUR experience. The chain of events that your finding your birth parent will set off will affect many more people than just you. It will affect your birth parent's family as well - spouse, children, parents - in ways you may not be able to predict.

The best way, I think, to approach the situation is to imagine the very worst and work your way backwards. Try to get over the innate romanticism that our society has given to the act of tracking down a long-lost relative. Sometimes these people want to remain lost and don't appreciate your intrusion into their lives. Not every birth parent will welcome you with open arms and a brand new happy family. Some will want to forget what brought you about in the first place while others will just want to get on with the life they have created. A lot of birth parents haven't told ANYONE about their experiences and so for you to just "pop" up can make their lives incredibly traumatic and even destroy solid family relationships they may have established.

I want to stress that none of this implies that your birth parents "hates" you. Probably quite the contrary. When I see movies with kids who find out they are adopted and think that their birth parent must have hated them to "give them away", I literally cringe. Its simply NOT true and a fallacy which is perpetuated by popular media. Most likely, your birth parent loved you enough to realize that they couldn't be the parent THEY wanted to be or the one YOU deserved and did what they did to give YOU a chance at life that they felt they couldn't give you. Naturally, there ARE exceptions, like mine. My birth father literally felt NOTHING for me and didn't blink twice the day he left me and my mother. Had I truly believed that, I probably wouldn't have bothered to look for him but I understand its hard to believe you weren't wanted. Still, if that IS your situation, I recommend just looking at it like you would any situation in which you were not a welcome part. You just find another where you are. Remember, for every person who doesn't love you, there are a thousand who will see what's so special about you.

If and when you DO actually make contact with your birth parent, I STRONGLY encourage you to use a third party to make the contact. This provides an out for the birth parent or whomever you get to first. That way there is no pressure on them to reciprocate the contact. If they choose to respond, then GREAT! But if not, you have to accept it as their choice for whatever reason and move on. You did what YOU had to do and should be proud of yourself for having the courage.

If an actual "in real life" meeting is arranged, I caution you to be on your guard. I know it sounds cynical but you can't just throw yourself all over this new person regardless of how much you desperately want to. If its meant to happen, it will come with time. Listen carefully to what the person tells you about their life and whatever else they want you to know but don't pry. Again, if the relationship works out, these will come with time. Don't feel bad if you feel inclined to "check out" their story. If I had checked out my birth father's story, no doubt much of my heartache would never have occurred. Look at this person like you would any stranger despite the fact that you share some chromosomes. They are not safe....at least not yet.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT give up your life for this person. Perhaps that, too, will come with time but certainly wait a substantial period before altering your life to include them in any dramatic fashion. Don't let them move in with you, or you with them. Again, this person is a stranger, despite their familiarity. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to be yourself and allow your birth parent to be themselves. When your paths cross it is a wonderful thing but don't require them to for a good relationship. If it was meant to be, it will be and you have to let it grow on its on. Don't force things.

In the aftermath of the initial contact, sometimes things are said which give the impression of hearts and flowers forever. Once the excitement has died down, sometimes there may be some backpedaling on the part of your birth parent and you should expect that. Give them some breathing space and let them set the pace of the relationship. However, if YOU feel uncomfortable at any time, PUT ON THE BRAKES! My story is a good example of a birth parent who crossed my personal boundaries and went too far. You must consider what is appropriate and healthy even if you want so much more. Its better to start of at a crawl than a run. That way, you will see the danger signs that much clearer and be in a better position to "pull out" should you have to. Finding a birth parent is an incredibly emotional and traumatic time. There are so many feelings which you never knew you had which suddenly are bubbling over. A normally calm, collected rational person can become a sobbing, emotional wreck overnight. Its important to evaluate the situation and listen carefully to what your friends and relatives are telling you. I recommend immediately contacting a counselor once you DO establish contact or better yet - before - because there are so many issues which you suddenly are faced with.

I don't discourage anyone from finding a birth parent. In fact, I am sure, if I had it to do again, I would. However, I would be extremely cautious and distrusting and I would certainly have a therapist at the ready to help me sort out what I was dealing with. Keeping a journal is also a good idea as it can help you delineate your actions and behavior and see where modifications are necessary.

Hopefully, armed with some of this advice, your experience can be a lot more positive than mine was.

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