Let's start of on the obvious place. Looks. Anyone who says
that looks don't matter is a huge liar. Looks are what gets the whole
thing rolling. Universal rule of Love number seven. There is
always someone cute enough who will date even a loser like you. Rule
number Eight. There is always someone uglier who you will date before
you meet the girl in rule number Seven.
What do I like?
I am a severe eye and hair person. Give me striking eyes (any color)
with a slight laugh crinkle around the edges, and short jaw length hair.
Make her a non blonde. Good teeth, a mostly symmetrical face, and
a kiss able neck. Wham bam and you got me. With these minimal
requirements I would date a woman. Trust me. A couple girlfriends
before and the girl was around 200 pounds. Most likely over.
I am one of those few who know that weight can be lost. (I know a
good exercise good for 300 cals a pop).
I prefer a lady who
is slim and kind of muscled. Maybe around 130lbs. I also do
not like huge breasts. Those firm tiny ones, (pause for cold shower),
and lots of muscle tone. I want to see those muscles in the legs
ladies. Better start learning to run!
Butt can be altered
with running. Trust me on this one. I have an awesome butt.
It comes from running a couple of miles every other day during PT in the
army. PT means physical Training for those civvy net junkies out
there.
Shaving, hmmm.
Don't know about that one. All the ladies I have dated have been
well groomed. Never had the chance to be repulsed. Looking
at it now I appreciate the time taken for the vanity. (OK shaving
is in.)
Earrings or some body
piercing is a must. I don't particularly enjoy the tongue thing but
if you do, go with it. Nose rings are so cute. Earrings are
pretty much standard. Come on ladies. Show how much you love
us by impaling yourselves with glittering metal! Mmm, Belly Button
rings!!
Next let's go for the
line and sinker. Personality. Hmmm. A difficult one.
Everything is so dependent on time. I'm a definite toucher when in
public. Quick kisses and always have a hand on some part of her body.
Whether resting on her shoulder, giving her back rubs, or walking with
the hand glued to her butt. So I guess she has to like having a personal
masseuse who follows her around.
Also has to have a sense
of humor. But hopefully, (big hope), a more educated version.
I have a wry wit and lean a little to sarcasm some of the time. (STOP
YOUR LAUGHING!)
(MENTAL NEED #UNO)
She must like to read. I read a book a day, sometimes more.
If she can't read then I don't want to even be in the same room with her.
Get that uneducated wench back into the trenches where she can be an uneducated
whore and work for a change.
(MENTAL NEED #NI)
Must want to better herself in several ways. Whether reading, college,
joining the army, anything. Except for one thing...
(MENTAL NEED #DREI)
Must not be overly religious. Fanaticism is very very scary to one
in my religion. Wiccans remember the merry old thousand points of
light that the church came up with a long time ago. A witches funeral
pyre is not fun when the person lighting it was screaming your name in
bed just a fortnight ago. Talk about heartburn.
(MENTAL NEED #FOUR)
Must like my types of music. Music is a good indicator of the soul
within, and if too much Country or too much Rap is involved, we have a
definite relationship deal breaker about to happen.
(MENTAL NEED #CI)
Must like to argue. Strange but true. I love to argue.
I can argue either side to anything. My debate team coach kicked
me off the team because I was so goddamn scary. Those are his exact
words. He said if I wanted to be a televangelist to call him so he
could throw out his TV sets and get ready for the riots. Heh heh,
funny guy. Heh heh heh heh heh...
(FINAL MENTAL NEED)
I have so much emotional baggage due to really ugly karma, that in no way
do I need a psycho. I got my own problems. I can help you with
some, but I am not a qualified psychoanalyst or shrink. Call the
professionals. Sometimes a game of russian roulette with an automatic
is not such a bad idea to me. (Remember I once went 4 years between
sex sessions).
THIRD COLUMN - SEX SEX AND SEX
The body is a wonderful
toy. Just because I am a prude doesn't mean that when I get a girl
I wait till marriage for sex. I do have a strict rule that I need
to know the girl and talk with her for at least a month. That is
inflexible. Trust me. My current girlfriend has known me for
two years before she got up the courage to ask me out.
Sex is just so much
fun. Dammit, I have a dildo named after me! Now that is living
life to the fullest! How many of you loser guys out there are that
good! Huh! That's what I thought. Sex for me consists
of four hour sessions of two people mauling each other and occasionally
laughing their asses off. Especially when a random tickle session
is involved.
My current girlfriend
told me that she never even played with herself! Oh MY GODS!
What the Hell happened there. I asked. She answered.
Man is it a harsh world. Loser boyfriends and her first time was
the typical pump alcohol into her until she's incoherent date rape.
She is real repressed, but you know what? Three days into the relationship
and she's having dirty fantasies about me while sitting in class.
She was so proud she called me at work to let me know.
Now that gives me a
warm fuzzy. Even if she winds up turning into a bisexual pleasurist
content to sleep with anything breathing I will be vindicated in teaching
a lady about pleasure. Don't get me wrong. Too much is bad
for you. I myself have enormous will power and have gone four years
between sex. (When you wait for the right person, it is goddamn worth
it trust me!)
Ever felt true love.
I have. Three times. I have never ended a relationship.
I have never cheated. I have never given less than all my heart and
then some.
Did I mention that I'm
the type of person that gets pleasure from other's pleasure.
Hell, I guess I am the
perfect submissive.
Hmm, maybe I should by my girlfriend a whip....
Sorry, back to the subject
of sex. I am willing to try anything at least once, within reason.
The second others are involved I will retract into deep thinking mode and
I guarantee that I hate deep thinking mode. It's where most of this
pent up sarcasm is created from pain and suffering.
Don't think I wouldn't
say no to two girls at once. I have before. Been there, done
that, and figured out that the all american male dream sucks the big one.
Picture two happy people that have known each other for years, and then
in comes you hoping to share the love. Uh-uh. Wake up bozo.
You are merely a walking talking ambulatory dildo that requires more than
the usual amounts of recharging. Soon you will be out, or the two
happy people will be two very bitter people.
You can love two people
equally, but odds are that all three of you aren't that kind of a person.
Get over it. Menage-a-trois is great for a short term sexual boost.
Just don't plan on adding another place setting to the dinner table.
(Besides, what would you tell the kids and the other moms at the PTA)?
Bottom line. Sex
has to be fun. Sex has to be slippery. Sex has to be there.
I am all for the Separation
of Church and State. But I am also dead set on keeping the Church
the hell out of my bedroom. God knows what's going on. So bug
off and let me sin my everlovin head off.
Strangest thing I ever dated... Now this is a no-shitter so sit down and get ready for this one.
I once dated
a Vampire. A real life walking talking drinker of blood. Whether
or not she was really undead did not matter at the time. She did
drink blood. I got the needle scars to prove it. Needles don't
faze me. I believe in magic. There are just some strange things
out there. Besides it was kind of a turn on. At the time I
was severely Goth.
Do I really
believe that she was a vampire? She drank blood. She hated
places of joy (Hallowed ground in my eyes pals). She acted alien
in tiny ways that just set off little alarms. You could say that
she raised my hackles a couple of times. I was young enough to be
turned on, and the mystery was oh so tantalizing my friends. In the
end It didn't matter to me what she was. I loved her.
Then she vanished.
There one night lounging around in Austin watching the bats fly from under
the bridge at sunset, the next no word on where she was. Poof, and
she's gone. Just a little note that was slipped under my door while
I slept in a totally different town in a room that she never knew even
existed. Creepy no? Wait till you hear what the note said.
See you soon lover. Look for me in the night. I promise not to take more than a decade. Remember, you're mine.
I still have the note. It's even written in black lipstick. Love never dies. But you can't own Love. You share it.
It sounds so
romantic and victorian doesn't it. But this is one believer in magic
that has called in some karmic favors in some strange places. I heard
once that a succubus is the embodiment of love. Doesn't mean you
have to invite the sucker in...
Call me silly
but that part about owning. That is wrong. You never own another.
Never...
Maybe one night
I'll vanish mysteriously. Maybe not. I will never stop sleeping
with my knives though. All I need to do is show that note and people
understand. Never disturb a psychotic from his delusions. Especially
the paranoia driven ones. It tends to make them violent.
I hate Love sometimes.
