D
iary
May 31st 1998
This really big storm hit my town last night.
And I slept right through it.
The winds were so strong that it looks like a tornado hit town.
I met this guy who let me in his apartment to take pictures.
Unfortunatly my film wasnt for indoor pics, nor did I have my flash,
so this is the best picture I got out of it.
He was sleeping on his sofa and the window blew in on him,
covering him in glass
June 6th 1998
I went to the ScotishFest on Saturday.
And a bit to my suprise I really liked it. I was expecting to have an okay time,
but it was fun!
There was parades of Bagpipe and Drum Corps...very cool if I had to admit it.
There was Heavy athletics,
traditional dancing, scads and scads of information on clans and the such...they even had a sheepdog demo...
that was great to watch...now if I could only get that kind of enthusiasm for my job!
June 31st 1998
On Saturday June 13th the aniversary of
Harley Davidson was celebrated in Milwaukee, home of the HOG!
There were so many bikes... I think I heard something
like 100,000 bikes were in town for it. And over the weekend all the visitors created
something like 13 million dollars in revenue. The average Harley owner is from a
double income family making $65,000 a year.
December 17th 1998
writen Dec 17 1998 3am
I cant stop crying. I cant sleep. My heart wont stop it�s breaking. My head wont stop thinking.
Tonight someone was talking about a customer that said she should be married to another co-worker, because they are both tall. Another co-worker added that following that logic I should be married to Brad. My first reaction was "hum, yeah we are both fat and short" A few moments later I thought "oh�he meant gross and repulsive." I ignored this�but not in the way I think people ignore things like this and disregard it as nonsense, but more of putting it in the back of my head and keeping the voices still�.for the time.
Later after the evening I went home and crawled into bed, seeing as my room mate was on the phone and I was so tired. Later that night Matthew came in and was telling me about the mended friendship with Joel, our mutual friend. This made me happy that the long rift between them was mended and life could be good with the three of us. I then recited the above story to him and laughed a bit at the comments of my co-worker. Matthew said basically that I was not his definition of repulsive. And that my views on my image (in his mind) were related to my breast size, and that I wasn�t grossly misproportioned like the body type he would call fat and repulsive.
This is when my heart started to ache and my head throb and the nasty little voice started to go on its tirade.
"gross, fat, ugly, repulsive, misformed, monstrous�..you know you are, they know it, every one knows it"
I see myself every morning�I avoid looking to far down, I hardly ever look past my face. I have a pretty face at certain angles, so I look at me with those angles, brush my pretty hair and look into my dark eyes. If I look past that to my body, I see the puffy misformed arms that flair out from my shoulders, the over sized sagging breasts, the roll at my waist, the bulge at my hips that sags to my belly� the overstuffed thighs overflowing at my knees, to my calves that only bring to mind cows.
My friends say I have a problem with judging myself too harshly, and that I am not that bad. All I can see is all the things that I want different, the problems, the fat, the ugliness, the untouchable, the hated.
Everyone hates the fat people. Its like being black in the 60�s and before. They say mean, unthought out words, not considering the way their actions and words affect the world around them.
My brother calls people fat and DISCUSTING. I look at that person and think "that�s me" or "GOD, I am worse off, what does that make me? That makes me sick and nauseating" Matthew calls my cat who is slightly big, "grub" and "tubby" and all I can think is "I am worse, I am gross" or "what dose that make me? you know what that makes you�. Sick and gross and nauseating"
I hate myself, I hate what I look like. And its to the point of making my stomach turn and it scares me.