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Cyber Sex

1.    Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex
please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are
out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house 
and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are
also present or at a time when all your relatives are in
attendance.) It really gets difficult explaining what    
you are doing undressing in front of the computer,   
drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning  
and groaning while the buzz of various "toys" can be
heard.                                                                  

2.   For men, before you begin, please check that
your modem protector is on, along with the splash
guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future
embarrassment of telling the computer technician that
your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.                          

3.    For women, no matter what you are truly wearing,
such as, sweat pants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers,      
t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear    
that could cover a car or be used for a parachute,    
always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing
a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best
wonder bra, (the one that has everything pulled up so
high your bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair  
of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all    
women dress that way when we sit down at the computer
As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that  
they are all naked and wearing just  a smile.


4.    If the cyber begins to get very very hot please
refrain from straddling your monitor, there are many
potential emergency room stories to be told if you get
overly excited, not to mention the many years of
therapy to get you to let go and not continue this
sorted affair with your 15" screen.                                              

5.   If the cyber is not going well, please let the other
person know in the best way you can. It is not very
polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just  
made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled
the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because
you were bored, would rather read the instructions
on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your
fridge to make sure the light still works when you open
the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue  
to an ice cube tray to stop the agony of a bad cyber.

6.    When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please
check your spelling before you send that embarrassing
typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts
of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse, (kinda puts
a western slant on things), hmmmm, things could get
interesting with boots and spurs though. Oh baby,
you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized
fries and burger with that. That's it baby, show me
that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and  
the proverbial oh fork me hard!                             

7.    Pay attention to what's going on. Please refrain
from putting your "coke" in one place, when your  
cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else.
If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask  
to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up,
or you had a case of premature cybering and really do 
not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female       
counterpart, just pretend you got bumped offline.    
That always works and at least she won't take it so
personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to
let my dog out."                                                    

8.    Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or
faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added
pressure of faking cyber orgasms too), at least say
thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or
THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)      

9.    If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured
into ever having cybersex with this person again. When  
they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong  
one. If they begin to pester you, its proper etiquette to   
to just bump yourself offline, or just say HUH? I never   
got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad
cyber twice.                              

10.    Last but not least, remember that cybersex will
not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights
out in the house while having it, watching the screen
in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that
you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by
naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and
still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be
just as nice with a partner you know. And just for
variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating
your left hand for something different.