| It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.""What was that?" the old man asked.Again the boy responded, "Roo ra roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man" "I can't understand a word you're saying!" So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!" |
| It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Ralphie. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20.Ralphie, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Kentucky, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Ralphie rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.That evening Ralphie once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Kentucky, son." The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Ralphie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Kentucky?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18." |
| Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.One said to the other,"That there gal is having a bad Time!". The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no. He said, "Can you speak...?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. He walked back to his friend and he said, "Funny how that hind lick maneuver always works" |
| A Scotsman was shipwrecked
and finally washed ashore on a small island.As he regains consciousness
on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him.
She asks, "Would
you like some food?"The
Scot hoarsely croaks,"Och,
lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping
of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks,"Would
you like something to drink?"
"Och, aye! That
haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old
single-malt Scotch whiskey.the Scotsman is beginning to think that he's
in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would
you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!" |
| This wife kept bugging her husband to let her play golf with him. Being a cantankerous character, he refused time after time. Finally she wore him down and he told her, "You can go with me to the club but you'll have to talk to the pro. There's no way you're going to play with me". She was talking to the pro and finally said, "I think I'll just try golf on my own and then if I can't make it, I'll be back". Then she took a driver on the 1st hole and smacked the ball. It went down the fairway, across the sand trap and onto the green and into the hole. When she got there to the hole and saw the ball in the hole, she mumbled out loud, "No one will believe me - a hole in one". A voice behind her said, "I believe you". Turning around, she saw a little man in a green suit. He said, "I 'm the Sand Bunker Genie. By going through the sand and into a hole in one, you have 3 wishes. What's the first wish?" She thought, then said, "I want to be a good golfer".Genie said, "Okay, but there's one catch - anything you wish for, your husband gets ten times as much.""That's all right," she said. "I just want to be a good golfer".Genie -"".Lady - "I want 1 million dollars".Genie - "Ok but remember your husband gets 10 times as much,10 million." Lady-"Thats all right, he can have 10."Genie- "Remember, one more wish but watch out." She thought and thought and finally asked, "Could I have a little bitty heart attack?" |
| A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you Rayman he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf." Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Penny said. "I'm a hooker." "I see." he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball." |
| It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" promptly slamming the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear." |
| The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher."Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" |