How to annoy the visitors of your website
There are certain things you can do to be sure that every visitor of your website will be something between annoyed and angry. Just follow as much as possible of the following rules, and for sure people will not be back for a while!
I found out, that these rules are really easy to follow (if you have only half of my skills), and so do not make the mistake of not applying these guidelines, nobody will forgive you for being visitorfriendly!
The Rules
1. You should use as much as possible of the newest technics available to construct your website. Never believe these so called experts that warn you from using more than 3 frames, and that you should only use few Java applets, and few or none activeX elements, and no DHTML and possibly no CGI and shockwave and and and.. They only don't know how to master these things, so they tell you not to use it. Be always on search for the newest things, and you will have many admirers under the common surfers. They will know soon that you're the true expert!
2. Your homepage (or entrypage) is essential - the first impression must give unlimited awareness of your exxcellency! So you should give attention to the fact, that this first impression of your homepage is well timed, as longer the visitor sees your page loading, as longer he can receive this first impression. I recommmend as a minimum 3 Java applets, 2 active X elements and 2 cookies. So all the people who have their browsers set on "warn" for these things will see 7 windows open and may 7 times click for ok. This is th minimum of generosity that you should offer your visitors - and you can call it true interactivity! If you want to be extremly gracious, add one or two pop-up windows with greetings! That will beat some of your concurrents by lenghths!
Another thing to let people be impressed by the loadingtime is a hidden soundfile, that will start before anything else goes, and even better, if you can manage that, a video of 1 minute that shows the visitor how hard you worked for that site. Okay, that means you need a camera, but for your websitedesign (ant to impress people) nothing should be too much! And why not show the video in a pop up window? Marvellous!
Don't forget to spice up your entrypage with some surealistic graphics used as linkbuttons! And be sure either to have a Java applet to use the statusline, so that the visitor will be surprised where he will land when he clicks the link, or then give your other pages names that don't have anything to do with the content. Surprise is one of the things that most people really love!
And please beware of to much text! People realize much more by significant graphics, so let your fantasy be involved. And if not every second graphic is animated, you're away from the top! If you do not come around to have text, only use it within a table, just poor text is awful and to fast loading, you know, the impression, the first! And always use exotic fonts and provide a link to download the font automatically. It is so comfortable, if a visitor just can lean back and the font is loaded in his system directory! (Hey, all of them have a system directory!)
Okay, I hope you got the line now. You only need some more general tips for the other pages and for answering e-mails and comments in your guestbook. (By the way, look out for a guestbook with fancy graphics!)
3. Filenames of the other pages should be chosen very carefully. It is really impressive, if you use a 32 sign code (numbers, fonts, special signs). Never under 15 signs, and the first eight should be always the same. (People who still run on DOS should learn what they miss!)
Don't forget to begin every page with your sound - or videofile, so people will remember you for sure. If you have pictures, only use the best available scanners and do not reduce the quality by reducing the file size. Everybody loves the sharp and big images.
Always lay out your pages for a 17" monitor, even better 19" or more. You know, the people who developped the scrollbars did it that these bars may be used!
If you want additional recognition in the cyberworld, you must (absolutely) have at least five banners on every page, longer pages add some. There are much bannerexchange programs out there, and try to make your own banners, they can be a bit bigger then the common ones, so they attract the eye.
A good attraction of the eye (to gain the attention of the visitor) are blinking or moving texts. Use fontsizes around 10 (+5) and shiny colours so the result will be even better.
All what I can say is: Use the possibilities of webdesign, use all the possibilities on every page! That is masterwork!
4. It may be the case, that some ignorant newbie or someone with old equipement will send you an e-mail or write in your guestbook. Try to give adequate answers all the times. You are sure that you are the best, so let them read it! A genius must know how to deal with jealousy or envy! Never ever be friendly with critics! They are just poor insane babies when compared with you, so let them whine and cry, tell them how inferior they are! Fr�endliness is only for your true admirers but be attentive not to give to much at a time. If you can, look at the websites of your critics and comment them. Make sure your comment shows your technical competence and slaughter these ignorants publicly! (Use e-mails, chats, forums, newsgroups, e-zines and whatever you find to let the world know how superior to them you are.
These were just a handful of practical tips for having an unforgettable website, and remember: Only the fittest survive in the cyberworld!
If you have questions how to improve (The level I wrote this few tips for is beginners) just mail one of the NewBieministers, they know how to contact me.
Greetings and - let's turn the world around! (ME!!!)
His excellency, the webmaster of webmasters,
William I. Plinton, the residing cybercesar
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