Tear to Wash Away the Storm

Written April 8, 1998

The rain always used to make me laugh and smile. Perhaps that was an affect left over from my Christian school days. God promised never to flood again, shown in a rainbow after every shower. Now all I see in a storm are the tears you cried for me.
When I met you three years ago, you were the one who needed to be cheered up. I was the one joking and smiling. And why shouldn't I be? I had just left nine repressive years of parochial school for a public high school. Finally I could wear shorts any day of the year - not just after May 1st. I didn't need to watch my language. And if you didn't like one of your classmates, it didn't matter because you weren't stuck with him for seven hours a day, five days a week.
And you. You intrigued me. There weren't many interesting kids at my school. They all had basically the same background - middle class spoiled brats with yuppie parents - and engaged in the same good Christian activities. There was absolutely no variety and me being from a lower class really didn't help me fit in. I also didn't take well to their believe-everything-we-say-or-you're-going-to-hell attitude.
You would say I got a little wild when I hit high school. But that's only because your life was so boring also. I didn't drink, smoke, or party yet you thought I really knew how to have fun. Like playing basketball with me and two of your friends was really the most exciting thing in the world. And maybe in the summertime with me in my daisy dukes and bra tops, it was the most exciting thing in the world for three 16-year-old boys.
But that summer - the summer we began to explore my sexuality - changed everything for me. I grew up and matured - I'm not exactly sure if it was into a young lady, but I matured. And I realized again what a harsh world this was. And I began to hate the stares and femininity and the adolescence surrounding me. When you couldn't grow up, I began to hate you. My intelligence extended past the average classes offered to other high school dopes - fine examples of our public school system. But you lagged behind and begged for my help just like all the other leeches I used to call friends. And then when senior year came and promised me a beginning to my career - the rest of my life - I realized I had to get rid of everything that was dragging me down. I needed to tell you goodbye.
But in your mind, we were already old and married, with grandchildren to visit us. You, working part time at Video Value, letting Nintendo take over the rest of your life, wanted me, the girl with hopes and dreams, to be tied to you forever. You had no time to test your dreams and escape this hellhole you called home. But I wanted to be free and far away from anyone who'd hurt me.
So I coldly told you to your face I didn't love you, and we didn't belong together. I stood like a statue, cold as ice, as you cried and begged, kissed and hugged. You were not going to make me miss my dreams. I said goodbye.
But I didn't mean forever. When I heard on that stormy afternoon that that goodbye was forever and all time, I could only remember the way you cried and begged and how I just stood statue like wanting nothing more than to get away.
Even now, staring at the thunderclouds in the dark sky, I cannot prevent one tear from trickling down my cheek when I think I must have hurt you as much as I hurt now.