The Anime Bar & Grille By Joshua "Gargoyle" Trujillo Episode 2; Boys Night Out He had a sullen expression on his face. It didn't befit the general mood of those in the car. "Why did I let you talk me into this?" Mamoru asked of the driver. Kaji looked back at him and grinned slightly. "Because, my dear gullible Mamoru, you thought it'd be fun," Kaji said, turning back to the road. "At least you don't have to look after this weirdo," A voice from the back seat said. Mamoru turned and looked back towards Junta. He was holding up an already inebriated Happosai. Happosai wriggled free and dropped to the floor. "You didn't have to come ya' know," Happy said, folding his arms. "I owed Nabiki some money." Mamoru looked to the person sitting beside Junta Momonari, sitting there with his arms folded, staring blankly out the window. He looked certainly out of place with his pointy armor, but he insisted that if we go out, he wear it. That and that damned black cape of his. "So just why are YOU along?" Mamoru asked of the silver haired man. "Happosai invited me," He said. "Yeah, what would a party be without our own destructive God?" Happy asked, hopping up next to Dark Schneider. Schneider gave him a grin. "A safe party?" Kaji said. There was a spit from the back facing seats that got Mamoru's attention. "Yeah! Boom! We're gonna need a bigger boat! Yeah!" A noisome, already plastered Ataru Moroboshi said. Mamoru thought about this for a moment, then realized what he meant. Kaji was already shaking his head and the man behind Mamoru was trying to keep from laughing. Schneider didn't find it funny however. "THAT'S DARK SCHNEIDER, NOT ROY SCHEIDER YOU TWIT!" The man behind Mamoru couldn't help himself anymore. Kintaro Oe burst into fits of laughing. Junta joined shortly thereafter and even Kaji chuckled. "Ataru, I've been meaning to ask...just where did you come up with a limo on such short notice?" Kaji asked. "Mendou. He has bunches laying around." "I see," Kaji said, not wanting to pursue that line of larceny any further. Kaji pulled the limo into the lot and parked it next to another limo marked "Property of Genom". Getting out, Schneiders' armor accidentally scraped a nice little key line into the side. He shrugged and joined the others. Ataru staggered to the front entrance and stopped when he heard a whistle to his left. It was Kaji. "Not that way. The party rooms are back here." Ataru shrugged and rejoined the group. The antechamber off the main entrance was cramped but quite plush. Burgundy velvet covered the seats and there were even places to hang your sword, or gun, or Borobodin, or whatever. Dark Schneider sat on one of the velvet poufs and tried to look cool. Mamoru stood with Junta, waiting for something to either explode or appear. Kaji looked supremely in control at the head of the group. Kintaro didn't quite know what to make of it all. Happosai climbed to the top of Ataru and both were going around the room looking at all the tasteless art. Everyone's attention was drawn when a young girl walked into the room. She was about fifteen or so and wore a blue silk Chinese-style gown. The dress fitted snugly on her well-developed body and was accentuated by the long slit up the side. She wore gold accents and tried to look comfortable in a room full of men. "Konban-wa. My name is Yohko Mano and I'll be your hostess for this evening," She said politely. She turned and indicated the door she had just come through. She also tried to ignore Kintaro's drooling and Ataru and Happosai prodding her. "The room you ordered is right this way sir," She said to Kaji. Her head jerked back and Mamoru saw that Happosai had grabbed one of her...ponytails? "What are these things? Handles?" "THAT'S IT!" She screamed. Her hand shot into the air and a large sword materialized. With a very precise swing, she almost separated both Happy and Ataru. Luckily, both were quite adept at avoiding strikes and fell backward instead. The others shuffled into the room, followed by Happy who was escorted in at swordpoint. Once they were inside, she locked the door and turned around, the vein on her head at the point of bursting. "I'll speak to the manager about THIS one!" She huffed. *** "Hey..." Happy muttered, "It's-It's dark." Slowly, his eyes became acclimated to a warm glow that started to fill the room. Before him rose a majestic cake rimmed with candles. It stood nearly twice the height of...well, anything stood twice his height, but this cake was big. The lights in the room came up and Happy looked around. Tears welled up in his eyes as the top of the cake toppled to the floor and out slinked two unclad Puma sisters. Truly, one of the happiest moments in his life. One slid up and purred on one side of him while the other took position for dancing in front of him. Kaji could only hope that it was enough for a heart attack. Kaji looked around the room. Kintaro and Ataru were too busy talking about their interests and Schneider was too engrossed in a bottle of something by now to care. Mamoru had taken a beer and was walking towards Junta. "You know, that won't do anything for your-ah, condition," Mamoru said to Junta. "Yeah it will. It'll get easier to control the MegaPlayboy whenever I'm drunk. I may be toasted, but so is he and I can handle it much better," Junta retorted. Both heads swiveled as a new girl danced past. "You don't yak anymore?" Mamoru asked quietly. Junta shook his head. "Sometimes, but Ami-chan's been helping me with that one." "Ami? Mizuno?" Mamoru asked. "The other one, Kurimoto," Junta said, swigging from his Zima. Mamoru tried not to think that anyone would actually LIKE that stuff, but more interesting fare came to the table as more dancing girls arrived to compliment Anna and Uni. Some were wearing even less than the sisters, which took some serious tailoring. Mamoru looked back toward Junta. Something was different, something he couldn't quite place. He could almost...oh no. Junta smiled at the nearest girl and she nearly melted with orgasm on the spot. Several others took a glancing blow from his appeal and merely passed out. Mamoru shook his head and looked back to Kaji, who was having a hard time restraining both Dark Schneider and Happosai at once. Kintaro was bent over a chair, unconscious. There was a young lady using him as a footstep to get closer to Ataru, who had climbed to the rafters to get to safety. Kintaro would emit a wheeze every time she jumped and she would kick him in the head for his pain. All seemed to be going better until Schneider began to get angry. *** "Look guys, Nabiki doesn't get THIS much of a favor from me. I won't have you arrested for blowing up the room, but you will have to go now," The man in front of Kaji said. He was the owner. He was pissed off, and rightly so. "Okay, thanks," Kaji said, turning to the others, "Let's go." Junta had reverted to his own form and was having a bit of trouble helping Mamoru toss Happy in the back of the limo. Ataru had glomped on to one of the bouncer who had shown up. Schneider smiled and not so gently peeled him off and flung him into the limo. The bouncer picked herself off the ground and brushed the dust off. "Geez May, what was that kid on?" She asked her diminutive counterpart. "They grow'em weird nowadays Rally," May replied. "You're a fine example too," Rally said with a smirk. "Oh shut up." *** The limo drove through town. Many businesses were closed at this time of night, but then Kaji didn't count on getting booted from their entertainment either. Oh well, have to make due. They had a limo, might as well use it. The guys seemed to be enjoying it. Happy had the sunroof open and was whistling to every woman out tonight. Junta had transformed two or three times because of both the alcohol and the hookers. Schneider was busy trying to keep Ataru from jumping on anything that resembled a female. Mamoru had himself another beer and was trying to keep Kaji company. At least, having him along had been a good idea. The night wore on, and like a cheap pair of jockeys, kept creeping up on him. Kaji asked Mamoru what he thought of calling it a night. "Well, let's see. Stars in the sky, the sun's not out and everybody is piss drunk. Yeah, I guess you could call it a 'night'," Mamoru said. He started to laugh when he realized that Kaji wasn't sharing his sense of humor. Ah well, it was lost on Usako as well. Mamoru reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a map. "Hopefully, this will be more of a help than your humor," Kaji said. "Hey, I asked if you wanted a break from driving-" "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, I just think we're really going to get into trouble if we stay out any longer," Kaji said. "I think I know a way," Dark Schneider said from behind them. He pushed Kaji out of the way and stared at the map for a long moment. "Besides, I have to get home and think up another silly-assed attack," He said to himself. Mamoru looked at Kaji and shrugged. It was better than nothing. *** "Okay, we've been driving this way for almost fifteen minutes now Dark. Where do we turn off at?" Kaji said. When he got no reply, except for some slight snickers from Ataru and Kintaro, he turned the car off onto the side of the road and stopped. Turning in his seat, Ataru burst into fits of laughing. Dark was asleep. "Wondered how long before you'd recognize that it was my voice and not his," Happosai said from the back. Mamoru and Junta grabbed onto Kaji to keep him from killing the little growth. Kaji shut the car off and got out. The others followed suit. "Honestly though, I thought it was back up this way," Happy said, looking out over the horizon. "Well, it wasn't," Junta said. He helped Mamoru spread the map on the hood. "So, I said to Lum...Just back off - then WHAM - she hits me with lightening!" Ataru explained to Dark Schneider. "Damn son, she's real hard on you. Not as much as Arshes though-" "Whaddya mean? I got Shinobu as well," Ataru continued. "Isn't Shinobu a guys name?" Dark asked. "I'M NOT GAY!" Ataru shouted. Schneider, Junta and Kintaro burst into laughing fits. Schneider aims a pat on the back for Ataru, but fails to miss the broadside of a barn. There is a thump as he lands face first in the field. Everyone broke into laughter as the mood lightened. *** They drove on for a few more hours, trying to retrace their steps, but to no avail. "I think we're lost," Mamoru said. "What was your first clue?" Kaji asked sullenly. "No, I mean really lost. Like, plot contrivance kind of lost," Mamoru said, looking around. "I ended up in Kyoto the last time that happened," Kaji said to himself. "What?" Mamoru asked. "Nevermind. Okay, so now what?" He asked. There was a pause and finally Kaji looked up from the map. Mamoru and Junta were both staring off into the field. Kaji looked past them and saw Ataru following Kintaro around while Happosai pointed out something in the night sky to Dark Schneider. It all seemed so ludicrous. Men from so many different backgrounds coming together to honor one of the oldest perverts in the business. Such a show is as this one. "They're laughing and having fun like this is nothing big," Mamoru said. They can faintly hear Happosai say "Look, I'm a chicken!" and everyone in the field began to act like a chicken. It was faintly warming to Kaji to see a Destructive God of Darkness prancing around a field acting like a chicken. "Hey, c'mon Mamoru. I'm supposed to be the gloomy one," Kaji said, looking up, "Besides, I think your plot contrivance has arrived." Both Junta and Mamoru looked skyward as a huge alien spacecraft smoothly floated into view overhead. "Usako is NOT going to believe this," Mamoru said. "Neither will Misato," Kaji said. "Karen might. Ami won't," Junta muttered. The craft hovered for a moment before flooding the field with a blinding white light. All had to cover their eyes, but were unable to keep the darkness from claiming their consciousness. *** Consciousness slowly intruded back into Kaji's mind. He opened his eyes and looked around cautiously. It startled him into full alertness when he looked down, only to have his...well...you know...staring back up at him. Apparently the others were as well, for they all looked very uncomfortable. Except for Happosai. "Welcome back," Mamoru said to his left. "Why-are we all naked?" Kaji asked. "Hopefully for the anal probe!" Happosai exclaimed. "They want to take over the Earth, but they need a perfect sample. A perfect human sample," Mamoru said cautiously. Kaji watched the little aliens going to the others, who were scattered around the room. So stereotypical, these aliens. Grey skin, big black eyes, big heads, small bodies. No imagination at all. It almost disappointed him. But it also germinated a way out. Kaji turned to Mamoru. "I've got an idea," He said, turning back to the aliens, "Hey, um-alien leaders." One of the larger greys came to face him. *Do you wish to volunteer for subjugation?* The alien thought at him. Kaji thought for a moment before responding. "No, but I do have a solution to the problem you've been having." *Why would you betray your own kind?* "Hey, not only do I not want to be in here any longer than I have to, but if it'll get us out of this situation the better." He pulled an arm to his waist and pointed at Kintaro. "Anyway, let this man choose. He's the number one choice among human leaders on planet Earth." "Gee, thanks Kaji, but I really don't-" Kintaro started. "Yessir. When a choice has to be made, they ask old Kintaro Oe," Kaji finished. "C'mon Kaji, I don't-" Kintaro began. *CHOOSE!* The alien thought at Kintaro, turning to him. Kintaro thought a while and finally smiled at the leader. "Well, the best representative of humanity is...him," Kintaro said, pointing to Happosai. "Me?" "Of course, you're the eldest in our group. Even older than Dark Schneider I'll bet and since you're the oldest, that means you have the most wisdom. You've taught two generations of martial artists and you're still physically capable of bringing down large animals by yourself. Why, you're so great, I'm just amazed that you'd still party with us," Kintaro said, all quite heartfelt. "I couldn't agree more," Kaji said. "Kaji, what the Hell-" "Shhh. This is all part of the plan," Kaji said, cutting Mamoru off. *A candidate has been chosen* The alien thought at them. Three burly aliens came and dragged Happosai into another part of the ship. Having been gagged since Kintaro began, he could only muffle threats at all of them. Kaji sat there for the next few hours and heard the screams. The pain driven howling that emanated from the other side of the ship. Those terrible drilling sounds. The wet splats of technology being used on living tissue. As much as he tried to close his ears to it, he was helpless. *** The white light drifted back to the ship, leaving them all in the field not far from the car. Mamoru looked dazed, not really sure how he should act. He looked to Kaji. "What the...?" He asked. Kaji looked at him, then pointed to the ship. *If THAT'S what you creatures aspire to, then we don't NEED to conquer your planet. You'll destroy yourselves soon enough* The alien leader thought at all of them. Kintaro picked himself off the ground and seemed to grow angry. "Hey, wait a minute-" He said, watching the craft glide silently away. Kaji waved goodbye to it. Mamoru followed suit and laughed as Kintaro got even angrier that the aliens had not taken him seriously. *** The drive home was a quite one. Ataru had passed out, along with Dark Schneider, who Mamoru thought passed out in the craft and Junta, who passed out long before they were taken aboard. Kintaro was still fuming. Mamoru felt like he needed some sleep and Kaji looked even worse. Happosai just sat there. Not saying anything. "Ataru said he'd take the limo back in the morning. Hey Happosai, you okay to get home?" Kaji asked quietly. "He's been quiet ever since they tested him," Mamoru said. "He was looking forward to the anal probe." "Kintaro..." Kaji said. "That was the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to me," Happosai said. "But I thought-" Kintaro began. "Not when the probe's as big as your head!" Happosai spat at Kintaro. "Kaji, did you know Kintaro would choose Happosai?" Mamoru asked. Kaji smiled wearily and turned to Kintaro. "Kintaro, why did you choose Happosai?" "It's his birthday. Being the eldest makes him the best choice naturally." Kaji turned back around. "That's why they call him the Golden Boy," Mamoru said. Kaji chuckled as they drove into the morning sunlight.