Miscellaneous Humor

Stranger than Fiction: Questions Asked at Trial by Your Colleagues

[Note: these are oldies but goodies] Recently re-reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions ACTUALLY asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere."

�

How Not to Examine a Witness

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
to the stand in a trial....a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a rising big shot when in truth you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you know the
defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him
for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to
me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and
called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said
with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be
in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

Not exactly like lawyer jokes. If they were, they would all sound something like this:

Yeah, right. So, anyway, here goes nothin':

These two laypersons were heading into a bar. One of them ducked.

�

Layperson 1: My lawyer is so stupid. When my wife and I were buying our house, my lawyer asked us if wanted to own it "by the entireties." I said, "Damn right - we want to own the whole thing!"

Layperson 2: My lawyer is stupid, too. When I bought my house, she said she knew I was interested in a fee simple. Then she sent me a bill that was four pages long!

Layperson 3: My lawyer said I need some easement for my driveway. Can I get that at the hardware store where I buy my redi-mix cement?

�

Things that lawyers wish they would hear a client say:

No bill is too high. We hired you because you're the best.

�

I'm not here to second-guess you.

�

Of course I'll make myself available. I know how important this case is to the company.

�

You did such a good job, I'm going to pay you more than what you charged me!

�

Yes, it will take some doing, but I'll track down all the documents the other side asked for and organize them into redwelds for you. When do you need them by?

�

Just do whatever you think is right. Cover all the bases. Leave no stone unturned. You're the lawyer.

�

Hell yes, fly first class! We want you to be fresh and ready to go when you get there.

�

Quality is what we want. And we're willing to pay for it.

�

I'll come and meet you at your office. After all, your time is just as valuable as mine.

[Of course, all of MY clients say these things all the time. They are the best clients in the world! - Editor]

If you've got humorous material for this page, please email me at: [email protected].

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