Wednesday, April 12^th, 2000
23:35 (11:35 p.m.)

Dear log,
"And I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore...."
I remember writing another entry in the March log... but it vanished... or perhaps it was all in my head...
The E-mails I got...
They weren't for me...
They were meant for someone with an E-mail resembling mine... some kind of sex buff... like the rest of the world... getting porn pictures through the net from other people like him...
I finally get it...
I think...
There's a reason I quit everything I do...
It's cause I don't really want anything...
I have no wants, no wishes...
Therefore, absolutely no motivation...
And I have no reason to be online, the net is boring today, yet here I am...
And I have a paper that's 3 weeks overdue, and I'm not going to do it... and I have to make a lab report for tomorrow... but I doubt I'll do that as well...
I wish I had the guts to kill myself... I wish I was dead already...
I was never supposed to be here...
I was supposed to be dead by now... I never planned on being here...
And my birthday is coming up next month... again... alone...
I don't want to face another...
God... please... not another...
Enough... I've had enough...
I don't know what to do with myself anymore... where can I go, where can I hide???
My grades are OK... I could do better, I know I could... but I have no motivation to study... no reason to do it...
It should be for myself... but there is only one thing I'd like to do TO myself...
I'm going to quit... like everything else I did in my life...
I'm going to have to find a way to quit this life...
Like my dad said... I always look for the easy way out...
Not true...
There's never an EASY way out...
But I don't know what the fuck I want...
No...
That's not true...
I know I don't want anything...
I want to curl up and die...
I want to be left alone forever... in my dark cave...
I want to vanish...
To not be...
Not the easy way out...
JUST OUT!
OUT OF HERE!
ANYWHERE BUT HERE!
I need to play the guitar... maybe that will soothe my soul...
Maybe then I'll be able to find my peace...
Probably not though...

"I feel so lost,
I look up high,
I wish I could,
But I can't fly"

Deeper Understanding - I Wish I Could

Sometimes I feel like I'm not there... like I'm see-thru... if I scream... will people hear?
Even music is starting to lose its grip on me...
And if I don't study anything, no girl will want to be with me...
And I can't study because I have no reason to go on...
And I can't think...
And I can't keep my sanity...
AND I NEED...
out...
So here you are my log...
And if you don't mind, I'd like to let go a scream...
Through you...
A yell...
So loud that the entire world could hear...
But no one will...
Since they are not there...
It's almost midnight...
And I have no idea what to do...
I'd like someone to be here...
To hug me and say... "I'm here, everything will be just fine..."
No wishes, no needs, no will...
Is it a wonder why I gave up on everything...
Including life?
END OF LOG

Thursday, April 20^th, 2000
4:30 a.m.

Dear log,
I wish...
I wish...
I wish...
I wish I could end this... I wish I had the guts...
Maybe I should work on that...
Maybe I should work on building courage to end it all...
I'm after a talk with Eva... Haven't talked to her for 3 months now...
I always go back don't I?
I want her to teach me physics...
Or else I'm a goner in the next physics test...
I scored 92 on my math test...
Highest in class...
Yet I feel no joy, no pride...
I want out...
I can do it... If I had the willpower...
But I can't find any in me...
I have another guest... I think...
Counter ticked twice...
I doubt my new phantom will return...
There's nothing here to return to...
I feel empty, I feel hurt, I feel pain...
I feel like nothing...
I feel there is something on my chest, not letting me breathe...
I wish I could play a guitar...
I wish I could be elsewhere...
I wish I could be happy...
I wish I was fun...
I wish I had more self esteem...
I wish I wasn't such an idiot...
I wish I had a reason...
I wish I had hope...
END OF LOG