Monday, April 7th, 1997
2:15 a.m.
Dear log,
well as you can see from the date (and sorry for using short hand I got used
to
it from chatting with people on the net) I'm not quite dead, in fact I am
pretty much alive and fucked more than ever...
Remember my grand plan?
Well, my mom found out about from Eva (after she saw Rona crying once in
the living room, she started snooping and asking questions)
So Eva told her pretty much all there is to know...
And so I was sent to yet another shrink which I still see (I have an
appointment today actually).
Everyone advised me to leave the army, my time was running out, and the fact
mom stayed at home and didn't go to work made it impossible to do almost
anything...
So eventually, I got released from the army and today I am a free man...
I have been out of the army for 3 weeks now...
And I know this is the biggest mistake I will ever make in my pathetic life.
So I left the army, and currently seeking a job, and wondering when I'll
finally die, and leave this cursed world.
Me and Eva, also broke up, since I felt I didn't love her anymore, and
didn't want her to stay with a man who doesn't love her, we separated for the
same reason (she didn't want to be with someone who doesn't love her either).
We still are attracted to one another and we still make love (or have sex)
on occasion... we should stop but right now we just do it...
It's probably another dumb mistake, cause finding someone who will love me
like she did will not happen in this lifetime...
And if it will, I probably won't love her...
Love - what a crappy thing, I hate it..
Shawn on the other hand, has grown feelings in me again, and I find myself
wanting her again...
Will this shit never end?
I am learning how to live with it though since she doesn't think highly of me
(and I do believe that's an understatement).
She thinks leaving the army was a bad idea, she cares about me sure, but she is
not capable of falling in love with me.
I see her as the person I know which is the most closest to perfection...
Maybe because I feel so far away from it I have this yearning towards her...
Who knows...
I guess it's better this way, cause now I will always have someone to love
which will keep me from other girls, and also from the one I love since she
doesn't love me, not in a romantic way at least.
Can't blame her actually, could you love someone as pessimistic and dark as
me? I don't think you could, me and all my death talk..
I wish my life will end, I don't want to continue.
Where do I go now, what do I do? Learn, get a job, make money...
For what? it's a waste of time... What am I working for, learning for?
For what cause, what purpose?
Why continue this never-ending tragedy of life?
It's all bad!
Death on the other hand, is the unknown, all or nothing, or perhaps in
between...
Maybe the darkest of all things, and maybe the best!
And whatever it is that's in there I will accept, cause then I'll know what
the world's nature is, and if it's bad, I'll be bad with it, and the hell
with good...
I just hope it isn't, and hope I'll find out soon...
Isn't there any volunteer to help me end this life thing?
I'm thinking of writing short poems and some short stories or articles, then
combine them with some pictures who were messed around with some computer
program, probably just a thought, but I know I could do it with the right
equipment, I just don't know what the equipment is...
Dear God, why do you keep me alive? Am I some kind of puppet show?
Then I beg of you, release the strings and let me fall, let me crash..
Let me die.
You don't need me here.
END OF LOG
Last of the original logs (April 1999)