Thursday, April 1^st, 1999
1:22 am

Dear log,
It's 1 am now, and I'm going out soon... I feel so empty and alone, I want to run away from it all, so I'm going out with Rona and the gang...
It's pointless, I'll be there, I'll feel left out, I'll go home with the emptiness still inside me...
But I can't think of anything else to do...
I rented 2 DVD movies, and I'll rent another 2 tomorrow, but I can't seem to run away from the feeling...
I need to buy something for my computer... another toy... so I'll be able to be happy for a short while again...
But I'm currently broke...
So now I appear both here and at "My Dear Diary", another 6 people visited my log at "My Dear Diary" yet only 3 of them came here...
They probably didn't think they'll have so much fucking text to read...
I'm working on August 1995 and it's almost done...
It must be one of the hardest log entries I had to adjust... in order not to add anymore names I called everyone a friend of a friend...
I think I complicated it more this way, but if you feel it needs changing I'll readjust the entire month (just tell me how you think I should do it since I have no clue...).
Look at me...
Writing to invisible people...
Little phantoms reading my logs...
It seems so unreal, like this is all make believe...
Tiff wrote again, I guess she hasn't neglected my log for someone else's better life...
Here's the mail:

"Subject: my so called life

You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself.

--- Alanis Morissette, "Pen In Hand, No Stamp"

how is your week going? I'm back in school,(last week was my spring break)
I am still wishing I was on vacation. I went to Colorado to visit a friend,
and we had those kind of conversations that wear you out to no end. I cried
and cried like never before, and here I thought I was numb to everything.
Sometimes I feel so estranged from people and that I cannot relate- I put on
my mask and try to be normal so as to not scare people away- but I think I end
up doing that anyways. Believe me you are not alone at feeling worthless. I
want so much to love myself and to be able to show people who I really am. I
do have fun by myself though- I guess the pressure is taken off. Some people
are really afraid of being alone- but I am really afraid of being with people.
I don't know if you can understand that. In many ways I think I'm more suicidal
than you. Does that make you feel any better? I feel guilty for being a
depressed individual , because I know I have so much to be thankful for -
maybe that's the problem- I have too much. I think God just made a spectrum
of personality types just like colors. Some people are just happier than
others - its just the way it is- I don't know if it's better to accept it and
be miserable; or fight a fight that can't be won. "

Back in school? May I ask a personal question as to how old you are?
Just got a call from Rona, they're going to hang out around the beach... I suddenly felt that there would be too many people there, hanging around, so I passed the invitation...
I know what it's like, or at least I think I do, I hate being in a crowd...
I hate going to festivals and places were tons of people hang out, I feel so out of place...
So lost, so small, so insignificant...
Well, I'm not running a suicidal marathon... and I definitely wouldn't want you to harm yourself...
Hey, if you do, who'd actually read all this shit???
I wouldn't want to feel like I am the one bringing you down...
If these logs upset you I'll take them off, really...
I don't want to find out you harmed yourself because you got depressed out of these stupid log entries...
I just need to let out steam, and I've got no one to listen... so I send my messages out on the net...
Both of us don't have a reason to be depressed I guess...
I don't have a "horrid" family, I was never mistreated or hated or abused...
Yet still, I complain so much...
Maybe it's just me...
Maybe we should fight, after all it is life we are missing out, I believe if I really try, I can hang around pubs, I can drink, I can dance, I can be everything I'm not...
I could hit on girls, and who knows, maybe even get laid a couple of times...
But I keep thinking "Is this what I really want?"...
No, it isn't...
I'd hate it...
I'd hate to drink, I'd hate to dance, and I'd hate having "one night stands"...
I don't feel like I should act like I like it...
I want to find someone like me, that wants just one person to fade away with...
Maybe I'm missing out on the "fun" in life, but I'm looking for something with more meaning, I'm looking for love... the kind you don't just sleep with, but also make your best friend...
I'm looking for someone to marry...
I'm looking for someone who'd be my wife...
Because I need the stability, I need someone that would be there for me...
Forever...
A dreamer I guess I am...
I should wake up...
This world sucks, it's completely loony...
No more, "one girl for one man" shit going around no more...
These days it's "the more, the merrier"...
And I'm so fucking lost...
I WANT MY ONE!
I wish it was Eva, I really do...
But she just got in the "more, merrier" business... and she fucking likes it...
The hell with this...
It's pointless...
END OF LOG



Saturday, April 3^rd 1999
2:00 am

Dear log,
Shit...
What a day...
Lost one of my hard drives and got some of my stuff erased...
Now I have to get them all over again...
At least nothing too important got killed...
Time to back up again...
I got 2 letters this time...
Let's start with Tiff:

"Subject: I'm 20, and in college

since I told you that, will you tell me what country you live in?- you don't
have to post it, you could e-mail it-I'm just curious , especially with all
this NATO bombing going on in Yugoslavia .
also , I don't want you to stop posting your logs, I'm getting a little
addicted, (please don't take that the wrong way) they honestly do help me- it
helps to know that you feel some of the same things I do. I get depressed
anyway w/ or w/out them. In a selfish way, your logs somehow release me from
constraints I put myself under. "

Well, it's good I make you feel a bit better...
To tell you the truth I kind of got addicted to you, look at me, I'm updating my life here almost daily... I never used to do that...
I guess that's why I put myself on "My Dear Diary", I guess I really need the attention... And people are finding me... and leaving...

I got this letter from someone called Matt:

"Subject: just thought !!

Just thought that I would say hello :)
I look forward to finding out more about you, I have not had time to
read your posts yet but will try to keep up "L"
Where do you live?? I'm in Texas now but stay in Memphis TN, a lot to.
Do you use any chat rooms ?
Well talk to you later ( I hope :) )
Hugs : Matt AKA Grasshopper"

Hi Matt, I must admit I didn't think someone sounding as "cheerful" as you would pay a visit here...
Matt sent me some links to some sites he made (with his sister?), pretty nice, much more graphical than mine.
I don't use chat rooms with this nickname (the_anonym)...
Also, I wouldn't know if my site here will suit you, as I said, this is a pretty depressive log...
And now comes the issue of the day, my "anynoumosity..."
When I first started this log, almost a year ago, I went to every measure possible to make this totally untraceable, the only people who can find out who I am are people that know me and parts of my life story, and even then they wouldn't be sure...
I have 2 Internet nicknames, one I use for every standard operation like ICQ, IRC and e-mail and also to meet people, the other is only for this log, and nothing more... so you won't find "the_anonym" roaming in any chat room, and you won't find him on ICQ...
Revealing my location on the globe was one main issue I found myself dealing with when I started adding old logs... I wrote in them many locations and events that happened in my country, I also avoided writing religious beliefs...
But sending a personal E-mail to Tiff and Matt would be the same as posting it here for the rest to see...
Dilemma... on the one hand I am supposed to be most revealing... on the other the second I post my nationality I am subject to prejudice of who and what I am...
The hell with it...
If anyone has problem with who I am, they can leave now.
I live in Israel. Haifa, Israel.
And I hate this country, I have no good memories of it whatsoever...
I will leave it as soon as leaving becomes an option...
So from now on activities within cities in my country will be revealed, also I guess I can tell you more about our beliefs...
So now I can get more shit out of my system...
Wednesday evening was the evening of Passover, where you have to not eat any bread products for a week, and are allowed only to eat "Matzoth", cracker like...
In the evening of Passover we celebrate the "Seder", in which you get to meet half of your family members...
I hate meeting my family...
All my family are fucking cartoon characters, not one of them is real...
So we rushed through the Seder to get to the food part, I didn't mind, I was hoping to go home faster this way...
But my wonderful sister had to keep us the longest...
I had the Seder at my dad's house... mom went to her family, and me and my sis had it with my dad's...
Day after was the traditional lunch at my grandma's house...
Afterwards I went and spent the rest of my time with Rona...
I didn't want to be alone...
I was hoping maybe she'll sleep over and keep me company through the night and the morning after, but she didn't really want to stay, so I drove her home around 4:00 am...
I have become a movie freak... I am watching so many movies, anything I can to forget...
To forget I am alone...
It's not really working either...
I was really hoping that Eva would call today, call me and tell me she's sorry, she made a mistake and she's willing to make an effort and try...
After all she's supposed to love me no?
Maybe not...
I stop and try to think of a new relationship... I can't imagine how to do it... I can't go through all this stuff again... meet someone else and get used to their habits...
I am totally fucked up...
Should I redo my old logs now and add the locations?
I don't know...
for now I'll leave them like this...
After August 1995 I'll write down locations, and the hell with the world...
If people who know me run into this site, then fuck it, this time, I have nothing to hide...
NOTHING...
Here I am, go ahead and find me...
END OF LOG



Sunday, April 4^th 1999
3:10 am

Dear log,
Where do I begin? So much to tell, but not much time... or should I say power...
The letter from Tiff would be a great start:

"Subject: Thank you

I ate matzoth for the first time over spring break, they really lack taste,
don't they? I decided to be like you and post (some) my thoughts on the my dear
diary page under a different name then you know me by. I went to your website
and it would not come up, I thought you had taken yourself out of this cyber
world, and I was going to be really sad. I've been listening to the cure a lot
lately, do you ever listen to them? "I've waited for hours for this, I make
myself so sick, I wish I'd stayed asleep today "

Hi again, yes the Matzoth sure lack taste, but I find Passover to be a most creative holiday, think of it like a challenge of some sort, what would we do if bread stopped existing... hmmm... though pizza on Matzoth isn't much of a delicacy, It's still pretty amusing to make one...
My website sometimes does not come up probably because of the "Listen.to" link, but now I have a mirror on my dear diary so if one doesn't load the other will.
I'm not taking myself out of the cyber world just yet... maybe I will someday, I probably will, when I have lost all hope in finding my savior, me...
I listen to the cure and have a few albums (did you notice I say that to about any artist I'm asked about?), I love their song "Love Song" and "Lullaby"...
But "Close To Me" is also good...
I am glad you are posting your logs and sharing your life, it'll be nice to know you a bit better, by the way, why did u name me the way you did? Just a thought I had when you nicked me...
I had a long day today, even though I didn't do much...
I decided to ambush Eva...
Stupid, very not like me, but still... I really wanted to see her...
Her brother left me a music CD some time ago, so that was my excuse on the "meeting", and also we exchanged our house keys while we were together so I decided to give her back hers...
I knew it'll hurt her, or at least I hoped it will... I wanted to sting her I guess...
So around 17:30 (5:30 PM) I set off to her, I waited around an hour, went for a walk around, waited another couple of hours...
Eventually I saw her parents leave, all the windows were dark, and even though I didn't see her little brother leave the house, I decided to enter her house...
The house was dark, except for one small light that they left on, the house was also empty...
I silently tip toed to her room, to not awaken anyone if there was someone sleeping and I didn't know, I entered Eva's room put the CD and key on her pillow and left her house (the door automatically locks)...
Why didn't I stay? Why didn't I wait till she arrived...?
I wondered if the love we had was worth fighting for...
It isn't... it isn't because SHE doesn't think it is... I was willing to fight for it, but she'd rather give it up and start something new...
So any fight I put is useless, I'll only end up getting hurt...
And isn't that what I do anyway?
I've read more of the logs of My Dear Diary...
The more I read the more depressed I get, the more I feel like I don't belong on this planet...
Everyone is so obsessed with sex there, people betraying their wives, no moral, no values...
Nothing but pure physical attraction and sex...
Maybe I'm old fashioned, maybe I'm "old" in my ways...
But I believe that sex, making love, is a moment of intimacy between two people that care and love each other...
NOT SOMETHING YOU DO FOR FUCKING FUN AND GO ON WITH IT!
I suddenly feel like I am the only one in this fucking planet that believes that having sex with a person should be because you care and want to be with that person forever...
I am so fucked up...
And Eva... she's like the rest...
She had a boyfriend and she had sex with him...
For fun...
She didn't even love him!
When they fucking split she didn't even cry!
The entire point of sex is being able to give a person, a special person a moment others do not get... to be as close to you as humanly possible... to be inside one another!
Where did we go wrong...
My views of the world and my values and moral is why I'll end up alone...
Is there really a person out there that believes the same as me...?????
I feel more alone than before...
I returned home, I was freezing cold after spending the entire day outside and my legs hurt (they still do) from all the walking I did...
So I got home and my sister wanted to check if someone was on on ICQ, so I logged on, my friend invited me to IRC to chat (for those not familiar with IRC it's a way to talk to people in virtual rooms), so I joined in IRC, and while I am in IRC I went to my usual channel (room).
While I was there a message appeared by someone claiming to be 19 years old and female, saying "any guys for a serious relationship"...
I usually don't message a person that posts a message like this, it's usually a male in for kicks, but I decided to go for it...
I went to a chat spilling my guts out about all my beliefs in the "Sex" generation...
Before she left she wanted my fucking phone number!
A couple of hours later she calls me and we talk...
This happens to me on occasion, I already met some people through the net and even talked to a handful of girls thanks to the World Wide God...
But this one wants to meet me and talk to me some more...
Great, another person taking a crusade on me...
I tried to tell her she'll only get hurt, but she wouldn't listen, she wants to help and she will be the savior...
I don't believe in the human kind anymore, how can she make me see differently?
While I was talking to her on the phone, Eva called my cellular phone...
She asked me if I was at her place, I said yes (duh), she asked me on how I am, I said "I'll live", I told her I'll call her after I finish talking on the phone...
I ended the conversation around 2:00 am, I called Eva's cellular phone but she didn't answer... she's probably sleeping, something I have to do...
I have to move on...
I know I do...
But I was really hoping on talking to Eva again...
She asked me why I gave her back the key, I told her "cause we're through", she told me she was keeping mine...
Suit yourself, I said... I don't have anything to do with it...
She asked me if I wanted to come over...
I said "No"...
Perhaps she sees now, that I am breaking our relationship... totally... and she is afraid...
I don't believe I want to get back with her...
What the hell is wrong with me?
But she can't give me what I need...
The attention...
I'm so sick of sex... I'm so sick of JUST sex...
Sex does not fill you with meaning, care and attention do... they make you feel special... sex makes you nothing...
Love is dead... sex has taken the throne...
END OF LOG



Monday, April 5^th 1999
00:15 am

Dear log,
How do I get myself in this mess?
Eva called me first thing this morning to my cell phone, she asked me if I called her yesterday, I said I did, she said odd since she didn't get any "missed calls" message...
She said she'll talk to me tomorrow... (today)
I heard from the net girl today, let's call her Orla, she wanted to come over to Haifa, my city, which was a total shock to me, but I figured what the hell...
So, she was supposed to call back after checking the bus times, I went to get my contact lens, just to find out my left contact had been shred to bits...
This was the third time my left contact lens got killed, ALWAYS the left contact...
So I was all pissed and asked her not to come today, I rushed to the store to get another contact lens (we planned she'll come over tomorrow, today...),
but thanks to the wonderful Passover holiday the damned shop was closed...
Shit...
I'm fed up with those fucking contact lens... but I'm almost blind without glasses...
It's funny the way I am so pissed about this tiny little thing, while a war is raging in Europe, and people are dying left and right...
Humans like us, slaughtered, just because of their beliefs and heritage...
And here I thought we were making progress, the net, bringing our hearts so close, making this world so close, I have friends from Sweden and the UK and Germany and Italy and Singapore and more...
Why do we go to war???
We are ALL the same...
It's so fucking pointless...
Back to my life...
Tiff has answered me, yet not in the usual manner, she answered me through her log...
And now I want to answer back, but I can't paste her log entry (that would be wrong), I don't know if she'd like it if I wrote where to find her log on Dear Diary site...
So I'm pretty confused on how to keep this going with her...
She made me feel better about all this "sex" extravaganza...
But do you see the same way I do?
I don't know if I believe in love anymore, when all I see around me are people trying to get all the sex they can...
No, no princess will magically appear, nor a knight in shining armor...
I sometimes feel close to you Tiff, and you're half the world away... and I keep wishing to get to know you and your life better, which is why I liked the idea of you making your own log...
You're still the only one there that reads me you know, you're still the only one that cares... I guess...
I really wish I could find someone like you in my city, or my country for that matter...
I should go eat now, and shave, and shower...
And try to look as much human as I can, so I won't scare her tomorrow...
And maybe I'll be the one who will be scared?
END OF LOG



Tuesday, April 6^th 1999
1:36 am

Dear log,
Well, here I am again...
Long day...
Tiff wrote again :).

"Subject: I will still e-mail you

I wrote in the diary a long ass entry, and I got signed off , losing
everything I wrote.
Isn't that fun? anyways, I don't care if you paste what I write, just don't say
where I am or what I'm named. Hopefully that doesn't cause you too much
trouble. Garbage:"I think I'm paranoid" ha.
are you excited to meet Orla? she's a fast mover isn't she? not that, that's
bad. :)
About the whole sex thing, I definitely believe it should be shared between
two people who LOVE each other. I know for myself, that I'm not going to do
it until I know that he respects me, and that we love each other. But you
know, I don't know what love is, and how do you know that what you are
feeling is love and not lust or obsession. Or are those things love? I ask a
lot of questions don't I? how is Passover going? do you have to fast the
whole time? , or not. I don't really enjoy food that much, so it really
wouldn't matter that much to me. I basically fast all the time, because I'm an
extremely picky eater. And how is your job? are you working on the y2k
compliance thing?"

Well, if you remember I had an incident similar to that you had which erased almost an entire entry in my log too, since then I have been using a different HTML editor and so far so good...
A word of advice if you'll let me, whenever you finish writing your entry, just mark all the text and copy it to the clipboard (I'm sure you know how), then in the event that anything goes wrong you can simply repaste it...
I won't paste what you write but I will comment a bit about it (after all if I paste it, they will find you no?).
Lust, obsession, desire, love...
What are they I wonder...
Orla said that love requires 3 ingredients: mind, spirit and body...
You must have a good conversation with him, you must feel good when he's talking to you, he has to sting you're heart, and yes, physical attraction is also crucial, without it, the love will fail...
Today it's all about sex and physical attraction... conversation is gone, the feeling is gone...
Passover is going ok, soon to be over (this Wednesday, I'll order pizza and celebrate).
We don't fast on Passover, there are only 3 days a year (I think) in which we fast and I just fast in one of them...
It's called "Yom Kippur" some kind of redemption day, you fast and suffer for 24 hours asking for forgiveness for all the bad things you did throughout the year...
I fast on that day, but I don't pray or go to synagogue, so I guess my fasting is useless according to the real religious guys...
I don't have a problem with fasting, I can go with little and no food for a long time, losing a lot of weight fast...
I used to make myself all kinds of nice things when I was hungry, and improvise, but now, whenever I'm hungry I just open the fridge, grab the first thing I see as edible and end it...
I feel it's useless going through the trouble of making something just for me...
If I had someone to do it for I would do it... but I haven't done anything for anyone for a very long time...
I'm still working on that y2k compliance crap at that company that "bought" me...
I'm so SICK of 2000, when 2000 gets here I'll just set the damned date back 20 years and go on...
I read your logs...
It's funny, the first thing I check when I get to the job is to see if you wrote me a mail or added a log entry...
You're the highlight of my day, and I don't even know you...
But it's like you're the only one out there that understands...
I wish you weren't so far away, I wish I could talk to you...
But maybe then this log would have never existed... I don't know...
You know, if I stop wasting my money on crap I could probably save a decent amount and fly over there for some time...
Don't freak out Tiff, it's not really something I would do...
Have you ever read the book series called "Griffin & Sabine"? I recommend you check them out...
I feel so much like Griffin at the moment...
He made someone up just so he wouldn't be alone...
I sometimes feel I made you up, that you don't really exist, and my mind is playing tricks on me...
But that's not possible is it...?
Unless I have really gone mad...
It's ironic, to find someone that might understand and we live on different sides of the globe...
"Oh if I'd only seen, that the joke was on me..."
Love...
I got hurt by love...
A lot...
I lost all my self esteem and confidence because of it...
Maybe this is why I let myself open up to complete strangers... whatever they do they cannot hurt me...
But you can hurt me, Tiff... If one day you should stop writing... I might lose the will to write and shut the damned place down...
You know how infrequently I updated before I knew you were out there...
And now look at me...
I'm so confused...

"Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow,
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of truth in your lies,
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am"

Such a beautiful song... at least in my humble opinion...
Orla...
I met Orla today, she came all the way from another town just to meet me (around a 3 hour bus ride), and I've only known her for 2 days.
She's nice, not as intimidating as Neva I guess...
I felt comfortable with her, even though she smokes, and I hate it when people smoke next to me...
She promised she'll never smoke next to me again... I wonder if she'll be able to keep her word...
We only had around 2 hours before her last bus back home went on its way (she has to go to the army tomorrow).
We went to a nearby coffee shop/restaurant near the beach, she loves the beach, she also loved the city lights, to me they look normal... not interesting at all...
She seems like such a nice girl...
I wonder what she thinks about me now...
We didn't talk all that much, or I just don't remember much... I talked too much about Eva I think...
Eva called me around 23:00 (11 PM), she wants to remain friends, I explained to her that it is not possible for me, that if she doesn't want a serious relationship where we both contribute to it, then I must cut ANY and ALL contact with her...
I guess I was cold and kind of cruel, but I must get her out of my life somehow or else I can't move on...
She kept telling me how different we are, that I can't party like her friends, I agreed, I told her that dancing and drinking does not fill me up and I remain with an empty feeling afterwards...
I told her to take the day off tomorrow, to pause the world and think about what she wants...
She still claims she loves me... I don't believe anymore, since if we both loved each other we'd be together, no?
Do I love her, or am I just used to her...
I told her that if she has something new to tell me or questions to ask then she could call tomorrow... if she reaches the same conclusion she did like before, then she shouldn't call and we should both move on with our lives...
She'll call...
I know she'll call...
It's so fucking obvious...
Why am I doing this?
I should just accept it and move on no?
I guess I'm asking, move on where?
What do you think Tiff? Do you have some advice?
END OF LOG

Tuesday, April 6^th 1999
17:45 (5:45 PM)

Dear log,
Just woke up around 45 minutes ago, and the day seems gloomy, I think I'll watch a few of the tons of movies I taped from cable TV... sounds promising...
Tiff wrote again...
It's so weird, I wake up and go directly to the net just to see if you wrote something...

"Subject: maybe we both made each other up, and neither of us really exist

it's so crazy, that you wrote about that song iris b/c the first time I
heard that song I cried. It's so true. I think deep down everyone needs
that to be be fulfilled, to be understood, to be loved for who they are, and
not asked to change. I don't know if that exists. Do you think it does? you
are the highlight of my day, too, I stopped e-mailing everyday b/c I don't
want you to think I'm some kind of online stalker. :)
I don't know what to tell you about Eva. If it were me I'd probably try to
move on, easier said then done, right? I think you should ask yourself if
she's worth waiting for. Is she? "

I don't think we can be loved for exactly who we are, when people are together they usually change each other even without noticing it, question is do they change to something better or to something worse?
I changed a lot in Eva, and she changed a lot in me, and we still don't really fit together, she's a party girl, I'm a movie and calm restaurant type...
What type are you Tiff?
Anyway, can 2 people as different as we be together without changing each other?
I mean for a good relationship to work, I should go with her to those "fun" parties even if I don't feel comfortable there, because she likes it, and she should give up some of those parties for some nice calm evenings at home even if she feels it's a waste of time...
Or maybe I have it all wrong...
Why do you think you made me up Tiff? Why would anyone want to make someone like me in their minds...
I know I exist, because I want so much to stop existing...
And maybe my mind is playing tricks on me again...
About the daily e-mail's, as I said, I don't have much to look forward to in the day besides a letter from you to keep this page running...
So feel free to mail as much as you want, I'll even take more than one letter a day...
Eva...
Yes, easier said than done, I do it, I tell myself, no more! No more calls, no more meetings, totally cut it...
And 2 months later she calls, and during those 2 months I was so alone... And I wonder, why not try again? Make it work...
But maybe it wasn't made to be...
Like that "Alley McBeal" chapter, maybe I want to get back to her so much because I believe she isn't "the one" but "the only one" who would be with me... who can actually love me enough to bare me...
I don't know if she's worth waiting for, if I had a higher self esteem and knew how to meet others maybe it would be easier, I could go out and eventually find another girl, but I don't go out much, and I don't know many girls who would be thrilled to date the calm, suicidal type like myself...
I can fake a very good first impression on a first meeting, but eventually I feel like such a liar I just spill out whatever it is I have inside and my view of life, that usually scares them off, and the rest decide to be the one to save my soul...
They fail...
I just don't believe anymore...
But they try, and for the heck of it I let them...

"Yeah, I'm a freak, of nature
Yeah, I'm a freak

If only I could be as cool as you,
As cool as you

Body and soul, I'm a freak, I'm a freak,
Body and soul, I'm a freak, I'm a freak...."

Tiff, what do you think would happen if one of us left?
We are starting to get pretty much dependent on each other... aren't we?
I had that once...
I had a friend I met online, I managed to tutor her through the net to install a microphone and we even chatted with our voices...
It seems like we were headed for something...
And she was living in Washington...
We played CD's and songs to each other this way... one of the songs I played, about a guy being too late to stop his love from getting married, got to her...
She believed it just may be us...
2 people believing they were falling for each other without ever meeting...
Without knowing each other...
But my defense mechanism kicked in...
Maybe I developed it in such a way like you, that as soon as I don't like something the other person did I pull back...
We used to chat about everything... life, love... the works...
One day during a chat the issue of weight came up, and she would simply not tell me how much she weighs...
Defense mechanism kicked in...
I don't expect someone to answer a question I wouldn't answer too, and I guess I simply answer any question asked... so I expect from others the same, but they aren't are they?
I couldn't believe she wouldn't tell me her weight, I live half the world away, and I'll never see her in my entire life, so why not?
After that I pulled back, and eventually we lost all contact we had...
I am sometimes sorry for this...
But maybe it's better this way... keeping myself isolated from the world...
In my room...
I got everything in my room...
A computer, a stereo, a video player, a TV...
All the technology a person needs...
I have become so attached to all those machines...
Sad, I know... but it is after all people that got me in this situation...
END OF LOG

Wednesday, April 7^th 1999
3:00 am

Dear log,
I really should find a better time to write...
I got a short letter from Tiff:

"Subject: that I would be good (Alanis Morissette)

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I'm overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good whether with or w/out you"

I love Alanis as well...
But then again I love most artists...
It's funny, according to My Dear Diary there were about 50 people that visited my log...
However not one came here...
Leaving you Tiff, the only one who cares, and you are one of the first to have found me...
Why do you keep coming back? Why do you care? How can you exist? How could you have found me?
It's so weird, millions on the net and I get found by the RIGHT person...
Unless of course my mind is playing tricks on me...
What if you are my Sabine?
Your Steppenwolf is beginning to interest me...
We share a lot of same taste...
I might order it from Amazon next time I'm there...
You say you are not comfortable in social situations, yet how did you survive the Garbage and Alanis Morissette shows?
I know I freak out when there are too many people around... I hate it...
I suddenly feel so small and so left out...
I have one thought, escape, go home...
I know what it's like to change yourself all the time, when I started high school I was learning Biology, Computers and Chemistry classes... I ended up learning just literature...
I don't think I ever finished anything in my life, I run away from everything...
I took karate classes, piano lessons and a few others...
I always ended up leaving...
It's like I am looking for something and I don't know what or where to find it...
Eventually I found the net, I am safe here... And so I keep on looking... for something...
About your family situation, just call him and comfort him... don't ask too many questions, just be there for him and eventually he'll open up... don't pester him about it or he'll close up... but then again, what do I know?
It was a pretty boring day for me today... only Neva called me, and she is the only person I didn't want to talk to...
I don't have the patience to talk to her, I feel as if she is so phony... not real... I don't want a zillion friends...
I guess after 3 years I figured Eva wrong... she didn't call... it means that either she didn't do any thinking or she got to the conclusion that she doesn't need me in her life (what took her so long)...
Orla didn't call either... I'm thinking maybe she expected a call from me... I don't really know... I won't call her... she's nice, but being with her is a waste of time for both of us, I won't change my point of view and she should do some more useful things with her time...
So there's just you Tiff...
I still don't believe you exist...
I still don't believe you found me...
I still don't believe you actually go on reading...
I believe in net magic, when 2 people meet online and connect...
But this is impossible...
So few came here, and here you are... the right person... the only person... reading this...
How can this be?
Am I missing out on something here?
Tomorrow another day of boredom and movies awaits... oh be still my beating heart...

"What's the time?
Seems it's already morning.
I see the sky, it's so beautiful and blue.
The TV's on but the only thing showing is a picture of you.

Oh I get up, and make myself some coffee.
I try to read a bit, but the story's too thin.
I thank the lord above that you're not here to see me in this shape I'm in.

Spending my time,
Watching the days go by.
Feeling so small,
I stare at the wall,
Hoping that you,
Think of me too.
I'm spending my time.

I try to call, but I don't know what to tell you.
I leave a kiss on your answering machine.
Oh help me please,
Is there someone who can make me wake up from this dream?

Spending my time,
Watching the days go by.
Feeling so small,
I stare at the wall,
Hoping that you are missing me too.
I'm spending my time,
Watching the sun go down.
I fall asleep to the sound,
Of "tears of a clown,"
A prayer gone blind.
I'm spending my time.

My friends keep telling me:
Hey, life will go on,
Time will make sure I'll get over you.
This silly game of love - you play, you win only to lose. "

Roxette - Spending My Time...

Sometimes it feels like those artists can feel what you feel...
But then I realize that with all the money and attention they get it can't be true...
Then again, not all the lyrics are written by the artists themselves...
And some artists feel very empty even with all the fame... Some did commit suicide even...
I think too much...
END OF LOG

Wednesday, April 7^th 1999
22:10 (10:10 PM)

Dear log,
Yet another boring day, slept till 4:30 PM, then heard music, Rona called and said she was bored, I dropped over and stayed at her place for a couple of hours then left for home and now I'm here...
Tiff wrote:

"Subject: my bereft soul

Hello, my Steppenwolf. Some things make no sense and we just have to accept
that.
We ask how and why and on and on, but I don't know if we'll ever be answered.
And if we were, would we be satisfied? at concerts, I don't freak out(that
much) because I drown in the music. It fills me , that's all I focus on.
But I do feel rather like a sheep in a herd, when it's intermission. At this
concert our seats were by all these obnoxious people and so we just moved to
the very top of the arena where no one sits and then I could fully enjoy
myself. It was just like listening to music at home except better b/c it's
so loud, that it's all you can think about. Lyrics, words, music..
I think it 's one of the times I let myself go."

Well, I wouldn't really know myself, I was never at a concert, most famous artists don't come to my country, and if they do the tickets are WAY too expensive...
We have local stuff, but I hate music in Hebrew, I just can't relate to those artists, they have the dumbest lyrics in the world...
Maybe I am missing out...
Can I ask you a question Tiff? Why don't you ever use capital letters? I just find it so odd... not even names... maybe your "shift" key is broken... or maybe it's more than that...
I was just wondering...
In your last log entry you told the story of your parents...
Why?
Are you trying to convince both of us that what we have here is more than a coincidence...?
Look at your parents now...
I don't want to be like that...
I know what's it like...
My parents fought all the time as a boy, I'm talking about screaming and yelling like madmen...
I developed a way out, whenever the screaming began I shut myself out, I wasn't there anymore... not till it was quiet...
I still use it whenever there is a big fight around...
My dad cheated on my mom, I have a half brother living in the same street I do, and I don't know anything about him or his mother...
I hate what I have become...
I don't know if I'd want to meet you even if you were living 2 blocks away from here...
What would happen if we met and didn't like each other...
We'd lose each other forever...
That shit scares me...
You are the ONLY one for me now...
Maybe I need a myth, maybe I always needed some kind of myth to believe in...
Eva didn't call today either...
Neither did Orla...
I guess I scared her off after all, huh...
But Eva not calling doesn't feel as worse as it felt in the past...
Because I have you Tiff, you are with me...
I think about you so much...
What it would be like to talk to you, or meet you...
And then I scare myself...
I don't want to end up like your parents, or like mine...
And if we won't be able to make each other happy... what good are we?
Maybe I finally lost it...
Look at me... I'm actually thinking of meeting a person that lives half the world away...
HA!
But why do I find myself needing you so much now?
My loneliness?
Or the feeling that you know what I'm going through...
Please tell me what you think Tiff... I feel as if I'm going mad...
Am I crazy?
What is wrong with me...

Lightning Seeds - Imaginary Friends

He's moving in to an art deco pad
To swell the ranks of the clinically sad
Shaking off the past with a change of address
But keeps his telephone number and hopes for the best

He makes a list of all his favorite friends
Then leaves his footprints on the steps that shine
With tears that he has wept again... and again...
and again... and again...

He bought his clothes from a skateboard boutique
Hung around in places where nobody speaks
He got on line to an Internet club
Played trivial pursuit with the goddess of love

And counted his imaginary friends, got up to ten,
Lost count and then went out to walk the streets
'Til god knows when

He met a girl who liked a bit of a laugh
He gained the youth that he'd forgotten to have
So now they mess about with things that are highly illegal
Often get mistaken for interesting people

And no-one ever seems to ring their bell
But do they care, well do they hell
They're gonna kiss and never tell again... and again...
and again... and again..."

I should hear that song you wrote about in your log, but I always figured the band was heavy metal so I never bothered hearing them...
I just had an online chat with one of my ex teachers, he didn't bring me much hope about the 3D business...
I feel small again...
And helpless...
I don't know what I'll do with my life...
I wish I had someone to hug...
So I could feel safe and secure in her arms...
I'm like a baby sometimes...
And tonight I feel like crying...
Tiff, do you feel the same way I do? Or am I alone this time in this vision of mine...
Are we actually developing a very unhealthy relationship here or is this thing all in my head... here in my head...
Please... let me know... please...
END OF LOG

Thursday, April 8^th 1999
19:15 (7:15 PM)

Dear log,
I don't know anymore...
I'm lost in thought...
Usually I wait till the night to start writing, but I can't hold in anymore...
I must find a way to get it all out of me...
And to know that you Tiff are reading this...
I'm going to get some more CD's soon, and Kate Bush is the first on my list...
I'm making this so personal, yet still I write sometimes as if there are more people out there than you...
Maybe we should just e-mail one another?
Maybe I'm scared, no, not maybe... I am scared...
I feel so crazy, I wanted this to happen didn't I???
Here I am writing my thoughts out to the public like a message swept in a bottle, hoping that someone like you runs across them...
And you DO!
I thought this could never happen...
I never believed you could actually exist and you could actually find me...
I guess I underestimated the powers of the net...
I wanted so much to relate to someone that now that I found one I can't understand how it could be...
I wish I didn't sound like that fucking book...
Maybe that's why I loved it so much... Griffin... was like me in a few ways...
The letter:

"Subject: I type in lower case b/c it's faster

I think you want me to be made up b/c that would be easier.. I think you want
to be mad b/c that would be easier. Believe me, I do it. I don't even know what
to feel about this situation we're in b/c for the past year I have numbed myself
so well that I haven't felt much of anything. I used to feel so much all of the
time but I couldn't take it anymore so I shut down to protect myself. I've learned
how to push it under. But corresponding with you has made something inside of
myself ignite. I'm feeling so weak right now b/c I cant push you under- I think
about you, I wonder about you I dream about you- I don't know how to handle this
and I want to run away. But I don't want to cause you any more hurt that you
already have, and hurting you would be like hurting me b/c you are so much of
a mirror to me. I've never depended on anyone like this before and it makes
me very scared. I thought the wall I built was too strong. Would it be better
if I stopped writing you? I don't want to stop but if that's what you want then
I will. Or we can continue and just enjoy the now. "

It was followed by another:

"Subject: p.s.

"You're a figment of my imagination," Griffin accuses Sabine. "You cannot turn
me into a phantom because you are frightened," Sabine replies. "

I don't know what to think anymore... nothing sounds like my own thoughts... it all sounds like a book...
I guess I never thought about typing faster without the caps... I have been typing so long that the caps just automatically insert themselves...
Yes, it would be easier if I didn't believe in you, yes, it would be easier to believe that I am mad, but isn't that what I always do? Find the easy way out and run away as fast as possible?
You ask me to enjoy the "now"...
Isn't that part of my problem? I can't enjoy now... everything I do, my mind races 10 years into the future and tries to look back...
I don't want this to be a mistake, Tiff, I simply don't want to think I have missed out here...
Please...
Don't stop writing...
Without your writing this log and my thoughts have no existence...
I log on every day as soon as I can to read the mail and to see if you updated your log...
I need to read your words so much...
I would be totally lost without them...
Please...
Keep writing...
It's funny you should mention Griffin and Sabine in your p.s...
Sabine isn't real...
I don't think she ever was...
The first time I ever met this unique story was when a friend lent me the CD with this most amazing interactive book, I couldn't stop "playing" or should I say reading till the end of it...
And even then I needed more...
I rushed to one of the bookstores here and got the 2 first parts of the trilogy (and naturally ordered the 3rd), though they have Hebrew translations I wouldn't dare touch them... Only the English for me...
I guess I just love English a lot...
First time I went through the first book I didn't notice it...
The second time it stared me right in the face...

Griffin writes Sabine, close to the end of the book:

"Sabine
Things have become so
difficult. I mustn't write
again. This whole affair has
gotten too intense. Too real
Sabine, you don't exist.
I invented you. You, the cards,
the stamps, the islands, you're
a figment of my imagination.
I was lonely and I wanted a
friend. But I'm almost out of
control. I've started to think
I'm in love with you.
Before it takes me over it has
to stop.
Goodbye.
Griffin"

I don't know if you have the book Tiff, I'm guessing you do...
The postcard he sent her had no stamp... no address...
There is no way it could have gotten anywhere...
And yet she replied...
Or should I say he?
Yes...
I am scared...
I've been writing a book... my book... and suddenly my book is talking back... my book is more than just words and text... it's a person... and she replies...
I guess I always had to be dramatic...
I see all my life as a movie... and I'm an actor... I have to act all the time... there is no "me" there are only others "in me"...
I don't even have my own words...
I take them from books and poems and songs...
I don't think I even have a personality...
I keep wondering when the end credits are going to show...
When will this big act finish...
Eventually one of us will move on...
Either me, or you...
You'll find someone or I will...
I'm thinking of it now, and I feel that if you find someone special right now that I will lose you...
Am I mad? I need a logical explanation and I don't have one...
Nothing makes sense...
If I could find someone for me right now... here, in my country... would that affect you in any way Tiff?
Do I really want you to answer?
This has got to be fake...
Someone has to come out of a nearby door and scream "GOTCHA!"
The easy way out...
Maybe if you told me what you don't or didn't like in guys you met, and I'll do the same... maybe our walls can rebuild themselves...
Do I really want that?
I'm so sick of making mistakes...
What can I do to stop this from becoming one???
Is there a way to win this situation?
If we met, the myth may be broken, if we continue this way...
Then we will feel lost forever...
And maybe the myth should be broken...
But the pain....
The pain...

"You say I'm a dreamer,
We're two of a kind,
Both of us searching for some perfect world,
We know we'll never find

Well perhaps I should leave here,
Go far away,
But you know,
That there's nowhere that I'd rather be,
Than with you here today

Hold me now,
Warm my heart,
Stay with me,
Let loving start"

Thompson Twins - Hold Me Now

Well, like I said...
A movie...
And look at us...
We already have a soundtrack...
END OF LOG

Friday, April 9^th 1999
00:30 am

Dear log,
I haven't put up the top update yet and already I'm writing another...
Tiff wrote about her dreams...
Do you feel as if I'm trying to kill a part of you Tiff? A part you thought could live forever...
I've been thinking about this "us" situation...
We are both going to lose aren't we?
In the event of knowing each other better, meeting, seeing how each other looks...
One of us would probably be disappointed...
Maybe both of us...
But I do believe the joke would be better if it was one of us...
I do not want to hurt you, but I also wish not to get hurt...
Perhaps you have better ideas than me...
I was always so dark and pessimistic...
I wish maybe once for me to look at the bright side of things rather than the dark...
But then, god forbid, I just might start living...
Maybe it's just a phase?
The shock of meeting someone so similar is putting us both in a sort of shock...
Maybe we should really, just wait...
And see if we are able to move on...
Or if we really had such an impact on each other...
I feel alone in my thoughts...
Am I alone?
Do you even want to meet the "real" me?
Do you really wonder about it...?
I'm sitting here actually wondering what a trip to the US might cost me...
Why do I do that?
I take every day as it comes...
But the "big picture" is always hanging above me...
I have to see into the future, where I am, what I'm doing...
Maybe we aren't so alike after all...
I simply cannot get myself to enjoy now...
What is the meaning of "now" if there is no "tomorrow"...
Just another memory... and I already have too much I want to throw out...
Well, I'm updating now...
And I'll wait till I get home tomorrow, so I could read what you wrote me...
And cling to every word you write...
Till the next letter comes by...
END OF LOG

Friday, April 9^th 1999
17:40 (5:40 PM)

Dear log,
Or should I say, dear Tiff?
In the past 2 months this record of thoughts and actions I have written to myself have become my thoughts to you...
If it wasn't for your letters, your existence, I would have probably updated this page once a month...
And now look at me...
Anything to get a reply from you...
Tiff's letter:

"Subject: you don't realize how much you effect me

everyday your truths become louder and my ears burn. I am so confused. How
can this be? I always thought it was opposites that attracted each other... no,
we are not alike in every way. I have developed an ability to censor myself,
to censor my feelings, to censor my tears. You don't censor anything, and you
are brave for that- no matter what you say. The "big picture" still floats above
my head, but I censor that too.. I don't deal with any of it I push all of my
feelings under, b/c I don't know what to do with them anymore, I don't want to
feel the pain , I pretend to be positive and enjoy the now, I lie to myself
that I know how to do that, but the truth is- I've never been able to. Like
you said, we would be living if we could do that. I don't know if it's hope even
that keeps me going, maybe it's lying to myself .. believing things deep down
I know can never happen.. But I keep on lying to myself.. It's easier to do
that. And I always take the easy way out.. You ask, how can we win? what does
winning mean to you? what would have to happen in order for us both to win?
I cant even think about that. I don't want to think about that. I'm too scared.
Is this only our loneliness talking? what is this? I was contemplating the unhealthy
thing you said and I don't know.. I don't know what this is..........."

Opposites?
No, opposites do not attract each other...
At least not in my case, take Shawn for example, cheery happy person, really didn't want to hang around with a loser like me...
Eva, our latest addition, party girl who likes to have fun... and I'm not fun no more... and I wonder if I ever was...
And I haven't heard from her ever since I told her to think it over...
I guess it doesn't really matter, we where never there for each other when either of us needed attention...
Eva, I've been with her on/off for 3 years...
And she doesn't know me the way you do, she doesn't know my daily thoughts, my troubles...
It's like she never cared...
And we were supposed to be so close...
And you, half the world away, so far...
I feel like I can tell you anything... I feel like you understand...
I keep wondering, if ever we should meet, would you still like to hear me talking? Or would my voice annoy you after my first 2 words...
Maybe I need to have a myth in my life, I wouldn't know how to live without one... I had Shawn for all this time, and now I have you...
And aren't you much better? A love not achievable not because you don't want to try, but because the world is keeping us apart...
I am not brave, I don't have a shred of bravery in me... If you knew me better you'd know how chicken I am...
I don't censor anything because I have to get this out... no one around here listens to me...
Would you believe that not one human soul of my family or friends knows of your existence and what we have here?
It's probably because you are a part of a machine...
And the only one that takes interest in the machine, is me...
Sometimes I almost tell Rona, and then I think, why bother... she wouldn't understand...
I feel like a book damn it...
Griffin & Sabine VS You've got mail... and add Message in a bottle....
Winning... what does winning mean? To meet you and find out that we are what we made each other believe we are...
But how can I make you happy, and how can you make me happy if we can't make ourselves happy...
How can I be your savior and how could you be mine if we can't save ourselves...
I keep wondering, if we end up together, would things be better or would we both sink into despair together...
I think too much... I should stop...
I went to my 3D class today... I am really starting to hate going there, the new teacher they gave us is so boring he puts the entire class to sleep, he doesn't have the enthusiasm the others before him had...
I found myself thinking of you all the time... wondering when I could go home and reply...
Is it our loneliness talking? Our fantasies?
I know you don't exist, not the way I believe you do... and neither do I...
My defense mechanism kicking in...
There must be a way to shatter this illusion...
Do I want it to shatter?
I was thinking maybe exchange our photos over e-mail...
Do I really want to do that?
It's not something I normally would offer...
In fact I'm the last one to agree to a photo delivery via the net...
I never liked the way I looked...
Maybe I believe that a photo of me could shatter what you think of me, and being as you said, so much of a mirror mine would shatter as well...
And we could go on with our "normal" lives...
Do you think that's a good idea?
I don't really know...
And what if the unexplained happened again?
And what if one of us falls harder because of it... that would be ironic and funny, no?
Should we try and flip the joke around or accept it?
I'd love to believe you are that perfect soul I have been searching for...
But if it's true the pain would be harder...
Should we wake up from this fantasy or keep it going?
END OF LOG

Friday, April 9^th 1999
23:09 (11:09 PM)

Dear log,
Another boring day...
Came home, wrote a log entry, and got a reply...
That's what I live for you know...
Neva called... I so much don't want to talk to her it amazes me...
I don't really want to talk to anyone...
Just you Tiff...
It hit me suddenly...
Out of 750 diary entries out there in that Diary Homepage, you still e-mail me, a complete no-one, living in nowhere...
It amazes me...
Why?
Maybe it's my lack of self esteem, but still, I can't think of a reason why you need me the way you do...
Or why I believe I need you...
My sister just came into the room now... she's happy cause she just broke up with her boyfriend, not to worry she already has a waiting list for the next one...
She's never gonna be alone...
I wish I could be like her sometimes... beautiful, with huge fans...
But she lacks personality... I think she is a witch sometimes...
I don't know what tone I should use again...
Should I refer to Tiff as she? Or as you?
Augh...
It does seem like I'm only writing for one person anyway...
I read your log Tiff...
I know what I'm asking is scary, perhaps too much...
But this scares me...
If we keep this myth rolling it could grow way beyond proportion...
Then what do we do...
We might find ourselves dealing with more than we can handle...
Can we handle it now?
I don't know if you know me...
When I went to school they used to tell me I couldn't express myself very good with words... And look at me, writing my life story...
I don't know if you know me, I do know no one else does...
No one...
No one ever bothered...
Why bother?
I'm a computer freak Tiff...
A boring computer freak... I buy every computer "toy" out there instead of investing my money in something better...
That's me Tiff...
I sit hours in front of a machine with virtual friends and virtual worlds, I lead a virtual life...
What could possibly interest you in a guy like myself...
What is it you want me to be?
Friday night, and I'm home...
I'm pathetic...
What song did you take those lines you wrote in your log from?
I bought a CD today, The Kelly Family... German group, I don't believe you know of them...
I actually bought it for one song, but I do that sometimes...
Did the same with KE and ended up with a great album...
I have flukes sometimes as well though...
If you ever run into a site that has his lyrics please tell me, I'm just figuring it out as I'm hearing...
Well my mind is blank...
I can't think anymore...
Time to go back to my movies...
And if you should stop writing, and I would go back to my "life" then you're going to have much less reading to do...
As I said...
Since my thoughts are mostly of you I won't have much to write without you here...
Well, I'm off to add a Realaudio station to this log, so when I post August 1995 later on today you'll be able to listen to some relaxing and depressing tunes...
END OF LOG

Saturday, April 10^th 1999
21:00 (9 PM)

Dear log,
Another boring and uneventful Saturday, my dad is at the Dead Sea with his wife, so I could stay at home...
Tiff wrote me twice, she gave me a link to a band called Stabbing Westward, great, more music to the list...
I was hoping I'd find a day when I could say, that's it, I don't need anymore songs... But that day is far from me...
The second e-mail was a link to a site that had KE's lyrics on...
Tiff, you actually searched for it didn't you?
I tried finding one, but after a few minutes got fed up with finding the wrong sites, I guess you are a more talented lyric finder than I am...
Maybe you could share it with me one day...
As you can see I added a Realaudio link in the index page, so now you can listen to some music while you read, most of the bands are personal favorites...
Also I added August 1995, and September and October logs are going to follow it soon enough... (I just need another hour to re-edit them)...
Problem is with November and forth...
In November I started describing what me and Eva used to do as a pair, I guess it's pretty standard stuff, but still it gets more and more uhh... "steamy"...
I guess...
I guess what I want to know is if you want to read about it...
The question goes out to you Tiff...
Do YOU want to read about my first physical and sexual encounters? Or should I just cut them off from the log?
I guess it would be kind of embarrassing to put them on... But a few hundred others did the same... So I don't care on pasting them...
Only if you want to Tiff...
I guess I am doing it for you aren't I?
I wish I had more to write but I don't...
Eva didn't call me today, so open up the champagne bottles... she is now out of my life... no going back this time...
No going back!
END OF LOG



Sunday, April 11^th 1999
2:20 am

Dear log,
Well, I didn't do anything today, no phone calls either...
But this is probably what I wanted, no?
I felt left out today, I didn't get much words from Tiff either...
Just a few lines from her log...
Don't get me wrong, Tiff, I like it when you send me songs and links...
I just wished you would have put some of your own words in them...
I guess I'm losing control...
Shit...
About your log entry...
I don't know who will love me, perhaps no one... Maybe I was meant to be alone...
Why do I hate myself?
Maybe because I feel so boring and uninteresting...
I feel I reject people...
I feel I am a pain and a bother...
I don't feel liked...
When I talk about my interests in life I get the usual: "Stop talking about that computer crap"...
Whenever I'm on the computer it's called by my friends "playing with the computer", yes, to them all my computer is, is a game...
To me it's my life...
But I showed them didn't I? I'm actually working in the computer field...
My "games" are giving me some money to buy crap with...
I need to get CD's... many...
I just listened to a band called Hooverphonic... and I want their 2 CD's...
There is no end to this shit is there?
I don't have much respect for myself... I feel like a freak, how can I respect a freak...
I don't feel like I'm worth much...
Probably lack of attention...
So who's to blame? Them or me?
I usually go for me...
I'm the one who should be different...
And they don't have the time...

"In the forest,
Is a monster,
It has done,
Terrible things,
So in the wood,
It's hiding,
And this is,
The song it sings:

Who will love me now?
Who will ever love me?
Who will say to me,
You are my desire,
I'll set you free?

(Who will love me now?)

Who will forgive,
And make me live again?
Who will bring me back,
To the world again?
(To the world again)

In the forest,
Is a monster,
And it looks so,
Very much like me,
Will someone,
Hear me singing,
Please save me,
Please rescue me

Who will love me now?
Who will ever love me?
Who will say to me,
You are my desire,
I'll set you free?

Who will love me now?
Who will ever love me?
Who will say to me,
You are my desire,
I'll set you free?

(Who will love me now?
Who will ever love me?)

Who will love me now?
Who will ever love me?
Who will love me now?
Who will ever love me?
Who will love me now?
Who will ever love me?"

P.J. Harvey - Who Will Love Me Now?...

If you feel like a challenge Tiff, find the lyrics to that song... I couldn't... but it's pretty easy to make them out...
The song you won't find on any of her "sold" albums...
It's on one of our local compilations...
But I love it, even though I don't really like P.J. Harvey...
Tiff's letter...:

"Subject: Frozen by Madonna

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
you're frozen
When your heart's not open
You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open
Mmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmm, we'd never be apart
Mmm, give yourself to me
Mmm, YOU hold the key
Now, there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you, my heart would be broken
Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open
Mmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmm, we'd never be apart
Mmm, give yourself to me
Mmm, you hold the key
You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open
Mmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmm, we'd never be apart
Mmm, give yourself to me
Mmm, you hold the key............."

Hmmmm....
Yes, I really loved that song when it came out...
But what I'm really wondering is, since when did you start using caps? ;)
I don't know what time it is where you are at...
Where are you?
I don't even know where you live...
But it's pretty late here...
So goodnight Tiff...
And tell me more about you...
I hope I know what the hell I'm doing...
END OF LOG

Monday, April 12^th, 1999
1:52 am

Dear log,
I'm confused...
What the hell is going on???
I had a very boring day at work today, I think I worked only 3 hours out of the entire 9 hours I was there...
I hate not being occupied... I feel like a waste of time...
But it gave me a lot of time to check mail...
I must have checked my e-mail a million times today...
Convincing myself each time that Tiff sent me a letter...
But the inbox was empty...
It still is...
I checked up her log too...
Empty...
Finally I got home crashed into bed woke up got connected, and there was an entry in her log...
A song...
And a line saying she was running away...
Write to me Tiff, what's wrong?
Is it me? Did I do something to offend you? Are you mad?
Did I fuck up as usual???
I'll notice if you're not around... I will...
And you said I beat myself...
I really needed you today Tiff, and you weren't there, and now it seems like you never will be...
Please tell me what happened...
Please tell me if I can help...
Please explain...
I finally got to hearing that Stabbing Westward song...
It's cool... I like it...
I should get their album...
Got my lousy pay check today...
Time to waste on music drugs...
I read all of the letters you sent me today...
To see how it all begun...
Couldn't make much sense of it...
I tried finding your site again, but I couldn't...
Did you take it down???
Well, you'll excuse me, I don't feel like writing too much right now...
I miss you Tiff...
Come back please...
END OF LOG

Monday, April 12^th 1999
18: 33 (6:33 PM)

Dear log,
Just got home a while ago... listening to some soft tunes... Got addicted to that Stabbing Westward song too...
Heard the album "Darkest Days" is supposed to be most depressive...
Just what I need...
I got a reply from Tiff:

"Subject: it's never you

it's me that's fucked up, you did nothing wrong! you are perfect .
I just cant write sometimes b/c it makes me feel too much. There will be
days where I just cannot write b/c I cant deal with it; that is the way I
deal with it, by running away.
I know you need attention. And I am reading your logs over and over. I
listen to you.
I'm good at listening, but when you want me to write, sometimes I cant .
sometimes I have to lie to myself and pretend that I'm not crazy. But I am .....
please don't ever think you did something wrong. You couldn't. It's all me,
I'm too selfish . I'm terrible at expressing myself.
I think your poems from Sept. and Oct. are so beautiful. You definitely
could be a lyric writer . filled with such desperation.
I hate admitting this, but I'm completely attracted to desperation.- I guess
because I have the same thing. I would love to be Mary in that virtual world
you created. I bet it's so wonderful . I wish I could see it. "

Tiff, you are NOT fucked up... and I am not perfect...
I understand that you won't be able to write sometimes... no... that's not true I think... I don't think I can understand... I want you to write me back too much, so how can I understand? But I can accept it... as long as you'll come back... you will come back, right?
I need to hear from you as much as I need to be heard... so who's more fucked up?
I thought for a moment you left me... I freaked... I apologize...
I just felt so alone all of a sudden... I'm not calm till I see that new mail in my mailbox, or an entry in your log...
You are not selfish, after all you are here aren't you? I bet you are there for your friends as well, and I think you do a great job of expressing yourself...
Perhaps too good...
I should post some of my army thoughts here one day...
That would freak you out....
Perhaps you are Mary?
Bob, my creation... he's long gone... I guess I wanted to be him so I am...
My virtual world consists mainly of a large city, I made it futuristic style, flying cars and the works...
It's exactly in front of the ocean...
Looking from the ocean to the city:
On the right side, after the city ends, is a desert, nothing there but dunes of sand for miles...
On the left, is a mountain, filled with trees and a small river passing through, if you go up that mountain, there is a certain place, hidden by the trees, a view to the entire city...
The best spot to see the city lights in the dark... or daylight...
When I first created the place in my head, I enjoyed being in the forests more I think...
Today, I spend my time thinking of the city and it's cars, and the attractions around...
Mary... Mary isn't real... she never was...
And I love my non existing Mary, and I hope that maybe one day, she'd be real...
And not a 3D mesh...
And till then I roam my city...
Maybe one day I'll be able to build it in 3D...
Maybe not...
It really doesn't matter...
I still want to know about your Homepage Tiff, did you take it off the net? And if yes, why?
I still need an answer about those November and forth logs if you want me to keep on adding old logs...
I read my previous writings as well...
I went back to June 98 and read all through March...
I didn't realize this before...
You're exactly what I was wishing for Tiff, do you see that? I wished those things about you even before I knew you...
I wished that someone would listen, no matter what I said, someone who'd read this crap, like computers, love music like mad...
It sounds like you... is it you?
Do you smoke, Tiff? That's the only missing piece... or is it?
What's your type of men Tiff?
Me, I find myself attracted to those girls, who don't wear makeup... they look more natural that way, less phony... I don't like tattoos or earrings in weird places...
I also am not so fond of nail polish in weird colors...
Maybe I'm just fucked...
All that shit didn't stop me from being with Eva though...
She didn't smoke... I hate cigarettes, I could never be with someone that smokes...
But she loves makeup, and nail polish in weird colors, and she wanted a tattoo and an earring in her bellybutton...
I guess I'm too old for this world...
Or perhaps I just love the simple type... nonexistent type more likely...
Why am I even bothering writing this down?
Maybe my self defense system needs something to go on to be able to shut you out somehow...
After yesterday, I need something in my head to tell me: "but that's ok, since she doesn't fit your needs"...
I feel scared I guess...
I never realized how much I really need you...
To hear from you...
It's probably lack of attention... it has to be...
But then again, I always suffered from it, so maybe that's why I need you so much...
I'm scared a lot... I sometimes feel like this is all some sort of sick joke on my expense...
But you can't be fake... or maybe I don't want you to be...
No 15 year old brat would actually read Steppenwolf in order to quote it to me, right?
No 15 year old brat would be clever enough to sound like you do...
This has got to be real...
Or else I'm really going mad...
END OF LOG

Tuesday, April 13^th 1999
1:35 am

Dear log,
All I did since my last log was crash into bed...
Tiff wrote again...
I think that's why I updated it early in the first place, I was just wishing she'd send something...

"Subject: I'm no one

today isn't so bad

I took my web page off, b/c I was tired of it, I put it back on though, for
you. But I got so much junk mail when I leave it there. It also keeps fucking up and
some of the pics wont come up. I added a radio station, like you. I really
live for music.

I was listening to your station, and I was freaked out by the songs that came
on just at the right time- you know what I mean? do you listen to mono? if
you don't, you would really like them, I think. I also think you should listen
to that song creep that I quoted. You'll really be depressed after that, but
at the same time connected.

Yes, add your "sex" log and the subsequent ones, I'm sure it'll be
educational. ;)
I feel so privileged to read about you. I know you don't believe me , but
you should.
I have no reason to lie to you. And I don't want to save you or change you, I
like you just the way you are. We're two peas in a pod. You make me smile,
cry, laugh, mad, happy, sad- everything. How do you do it? do you realize how powerful
your words are? I bet you don't.

Do you really want to know about me? maybe it's better if we keep this about
you...
I told you, I'm a great listener(reader) most of the time anyways..

I'll answer some things for your self-defense mechanism:) I don't
smoke(normally) occasionally when I'm with friends who smoke, I'll light up- but I'm
definitely not a chain smoker, the only piercing I have are on my ears, no
tattoos, although I have considered getting one... and I wear makeup on
"special occasions" and when I have the time to paint my nails, I do go for
colors that are less conventional . I think variation is aesthetically pleasing..
I think you have to be a girl to understand that. "

Tiff, you ARE one... Don't you see...? I wonder about you more and more...
I know what you mean about the right songs at the right time, I got to hear a few myself...
I only have one Mono song called "Life In Mono" but I'm open for more...
What's your Mono recommended album?
I know the song Creep, I have it as well, I can relate to it... I always could...
About the logs, I'll do it... I'm really a very shy person, I don't believe I'm gonna post them on...
But hell, maybe it'll piss Eva off one day ;) she always hated about me talking with ANYONE about our sex lives...
I know you have no reason to lie to me... I am just a scared individual at times...
I make you cry?
How? Why?
Yes, I want to know more about you... I can't force you or anything... and if you'd like it to remain between us just say so...
But I want to know...
Well... Not much to go on for a defense mechanism...
Anyway, I don't suppose you'd quit smoking for me would ya?
I wonder why I hate that so much, had a smoke in the army days... the taste was so gross...
I always figured I was just the type to smoke...
Me alone at nights, with the computer open, and a cigarette, the picture in my mind looks... real...
But I can smell a cigarette a mile away... the smell sickens me... I feel it chokes me...
I sometimes reconsider that November log...
I must admit, I get all shy now, cause I know YOU'll be reading it...
I'm afraid of what you might think...
Of how I might "sound"...
I don't want to scare you off...
Or perhaps I already did?
I'm planning on ordering some CD's from a local web site... another 100$ and from cdnow... another 100$...
That should relax me for a while... I hope...
Tiff, in your log you once stated that you find the wrong in every guy...
What do you find wrong in me?
Yes, I'd really like to know...
My job is fucking up with my head again...
I really wish I could walk away from it sometime...
It's not hard... I just had enough of it...
I've been there for 2 years, that's the most I ever lasted anywhere...
But enough...

"When I'm gone from here,
Will you wait for me,
When I'm far from here,
Will you pray for me,
Would you care for me,
If I needed hospitality,
Would you cry for me,
If I were lying in bed,
Lying in bed, dying

Would you walk for me,
If I had no feet,
Would you talk for me,
If I had no speech,
Would you see for me,
If I had no sight,
Would you hear for me,
If I couldn't hear,
If I couldn't hear anymore,
She says

I will be your bride,
Be there truly by your side,
I will be your bride,
I will give my fullest heart

Now that I must go,
I know you'll wait for me,
They're taking me to war,
To cease the enemy,
Heavens strength will grow,
Within you and me,
In crucial times it'll show,
If we're bond as one,
To make a big family

I will be your bride,
Be there truly by your side,
I will be your bride,
I will give my fullest heart,
I will be your bride,
Be there truly by your side

There's no limits life is long,
There's no limits life goes on,
There's no limits life is long,
There's no boundaries,
'Cause life goes on

When I'm gone from here,
Will you wait for me,
When I'm far from here,
Will you pray for me,
Would you care for me,
If I needed hospitality,
Would you cry for me,
If I were lying in bed,
Lying in bed, dying,
She says

I will be your bride,
Be there truly by your side,
I will be your bride,
I will give my fullest heart,
I will be your bride,
Be there truly by your side

There's no limits life is long,
There's no boundaries ,
'Cause life goes on"

The Kelly Family - I Will Be Your Bride

It's a great song...
Maybe not worth an entire CD, but still a good one...
So I'm waiting...
END OF LOG

Wednesday, April 14^th 1999
00:28 am

Dear log,
It's been an ok day I guess, worked my ass off...
Managed to save the stuff on a hard disk that lost its identity...
So people were very proud of me at that company...
It felt good I think, since anyone else would have fucked up and destroyed it...
I suddenly felt extremely attached to the machines... like I could understand them, and that's why I know how to fix them...
Tiff wrote me a long letter, I love getting letters from you Tiff...
If only you knew how much...

"Subject: here I go again

if you could have any job what would it be? you'll get there one day..
Sometimes I wish we didn't have to work to "survive" it makes you feel so
cheap
I did not publish my page 100% so that's why it's not coming up I guess. I
tried fooling with it a few minutes ago- but the server is too busy. I'll
have to do it late tonight probably. What exactly are you looking for on my
site? it's (my site) pretty childish, isn't it? but I think I'm very
childish in many ways. It might have to do with me being the youngest(baby)
in my family. Or it might have to do with my lack of experience. Both are
applicable.
What do you want to know about me? b/c I don't know what to tell you. I don't
want to bore you. You know the important stuff, don't you? I guess not
everything
about your Nov. logs- you don't have to put them up if you don't want to. I
guess if I were Eva I wouldn't want other people to know about my sex life
either. I am curious though.. I don't know if it would scare me away....
everything scares me, but I'm still here.
Formica blues is the mono album- it's very relaxing and has good rhythm.
Finding things wrong with you- well, it's not really anything wrong- just
reality
I think what I've been using as my defense mechanism is that maybe we're too
much alike- we're both too intense, and maybe that we 'd drive each other
even madder. But would that be bad?- I don't know. Also- I've been so used
to hiding myself from everyone- and I don't feel like I can do that with you-
I'm so vulnerable and it's too scary- I know you feel the same. I'm not
accustomed to feelings. I thought I was so good at pushing things under--
apparently not with you. Like I told you before- I hate it when you beat
yourself up- that's what makes me cry.. It hit's so close to home.
Maybe kicking yourself in the ass is necessary though- I don't know.. So
maybe I should let you ..
the types of guys I notice are those with a lot of passion for something
(whether it be life or death , I don't care) - they stand for something..
They are not arrogant, they are humble, yet know their strengths.
They're not afraid to tell their feelings and they make an effort to
understand other points of view.
Physically- I don't look for certain types of attributes- it' s really about
you know physical attraction, whether I feel it or not. I've felt
physically attracted to many types of guys. But I have to admit I have a
soft spot for Keanu reeves types. (Personality wise and outwardly).
so that's it for now.. I hope I didn't put you to sleep oh- if I ever had to make the decision b/w you and cigarettes , no contest
, you'd win .. I don't know about the nail polish though...... ;) "

If I could be anything? I don't know... I seem to be good in things that are not needed... aside from computers that is...
I always thought I could write songs or be an actor or a 3D artists...
All off those professions have a risk in them, so I dare not pursue them...
I don't really know what to ask you... I guess I'd really like to hear anything, I doubt you'll bore me, you're the only interesting I have in the day...
I will post my November logs, I'll just need a few days... they sure do bring back memories...
We are alike, we are intense, but don't we both seek the same thing? How can that drive us closer to madness?
I don't really know if I fit the Keanu Reeves type... probably not... I don't think I fit any type...
And I'm very much awake...
I could read what you write for hours and never get bored, the longer your log entries, the longer your e-mail's, the more I enjoy them...
I guess the entire tattoo/piercing/nail polish thing I have is because I see people who have one or more from the selection as "fun" people, people I cannot relate to...
Maybe I got that from Eva... I don't know...
Girls with green or black etc. nail polish always look to me like the type that goes out to a good club Friday nights rather than a good restaurant for a conversation...
But I guess I'm just being prejudiced no?
I was waiting yesterday at the bus station for the bus to take me to my work, there was a mom there with her 4 year old son...
Her son looked at me got closer and muttered to his mom "yuck"...
I wonder what's wrong with me sometimes...
I wonder what he saw...
I feel so ugly...
The only people who find me attractive are 40 year old women and Eva... or so she claimed...
But I don't fit in this time...
Today was Holocaust day here, I do believe the idea of the day was more about remembering the past so that it would not happen again...
But isn't it happening again?
So pointless, everything we do is so pointless...
I'm tired...
Very tired...
I'll withdraw early today, not much to stay online for anyway...
END OF LOG

Wednesday, April 14^th 1999
20:57 (8:57 PM)

Dear log,
I went to sleep at around 2 am yesterday and woke up at 17:00 (5 PM) today...
It was my weekly day off... something I decided I need to stay sane...
I found it so hard to get out of bed today...
I woke up at 8:30 am because I had this feeling in me that my ISDN modem did not disconnect from the net by it's own, and phone prices go high after 8 am...
I was right...
It's as if my body felt there was something wrong with the machine...
That's why I still have a job I think...
When I first came to work at that computer company, my boss told me that it will only be temporarily and I might have to work short shifts...
And look at me now, 2 years later and my boss wants me to sign in for another 2 years...
But I can't do that... I need to know that if ever I should want to leave my job I'll just be able to do so...
Though I doubt I'm going anywhere...
I sometimes wish to get fired, then I could really feel free... but I guess I kind of got used to getting a pay check...
Not so high, but enough to buy me CD's and other crap...
Buy... I never buy things I don't intend on using...
Another fucked up thing about me, everything I buy must have a purpose in its life...
In one of my breakups with Eva, and after my last meeting with Shawn, I was very depressed and lonely...
I started surfing the net as usual and got into IRC chats...
I also met my friend Gob online, Gob was experimenting with some IRC stuff and asked me to change my nickname, I changed it to the one I had used on my early days on the Internet...
I got messaged to a private chat by a person...
I always chat in IRC with people, I don't really care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as they are nice people I can have an online conversation with them, I thought the person I was chatting with was a boy, after 30 minutes some of the things I was told did not make much sense, so I figured either it's a girl or he's gay...
I usually am the last person to ask the sex of the person I'm chatting with, I find it very impolite, but I did... he was actually a she...
I guess I was pretty much like Orla after that, I just felt really alone, and this girl was like me in many ways, suicidal, depressed, after a love that never came true...
I asked to meet her, we met in Tel Aviv (main city in Israel), we walked and talked, and close to the end of the day went into one of those everything-in-a-dollar shops...
She found many interesting stuff she bought, I couldn't find a thing I actually needed... the only thing to catch my eyes were the large colorful candles, but since I was alone there was no actual reason to get them... She on the other hand got tons of stuff...
To me, it was all useless...
I'm still in touch with that girl, we met a few times, she came to my place I came to hers... but I haven't met her I think in the last year... only on-line...
She's kind of upset with me because of that I think...
She has changed since the day I met her and after she joined the army... I really feared the army might make her case worse, but unlike me, she found the army a great place to be in, she went to an officer's course, and successfully finished it...
Though she isn't a really happy person today, she doesn't seem to be very lonely...
I was the first person she met in real life from the Internet, now she meets almost every person she talks online with, be it a boy or a girl...
Boys are also taking more and more interest in her...
I guess I felt like I wasn't needed anymore, and so I left...
I do that... when I feel I am not needed anymore I just leave...
My wish is to be special, to always be needed by just one person, but I never feel that way...
I had many girls who were just friends with me, one day my sister told me "many girl friends, no girlfriend"... I felt so alone suddenly...
I guess I am just one of those "nice guys" or "cute guys"...
Nobody wants a "nice guy"...
Yeah, you're nice but...
I think you're cute, but...
I had many friends...
Too much...
And I felt so phony, not real...
I ditched them all, so I could be alone, so I could be true with myself and not 2 faced...
Whenever a girl wants to be my friend, I just fade out from her life...
I'm sick of friends... I need someone special... I don't want to be another friend...
I know people care about their friends, I know Rona cares, I know I care for her... but still... I need more than that... I can have friends after I have found that special someone... until then... well, "and if I must be lonely, then I guess I'd rather be alone"...
Tiff wrote a letter to me...
And maybe for the first time, I'm not going to paste it...
Maybe I feel it's too personal... and now that maybe others are reading this... I'd like to keep a few things to myself... and Tiff's letters are included...
No I have never seen bleeding heart flowers... Can you send me a picture?
We have Buffy here, never heard of Felicity... I don't watch it though... saw one chapter, I like watching anything with special effects... lately there are much of it...
I saw one Buffy chapter (more truthfully the ending scene), it's nice, but my one true TV addiction is Babylon 5, they had such original ideas about everything, much better than "Star Trek" at least in my humble opinion...
But I didn't watch Babylon 5 last season, I taped it and it still remains to be watched...
I also watch Alley McBeal sometimes, but I began to miss chapters... usually after I miss one chapter I lose all interest in the show...
But I'm just weird...
I guess if I had more time I'd watch Buffy as well (after all it has special effects in it), it's also showed in the middle of the day and I'm not home at that time...
Look at me... making up excuses for not watching it...
I'll sign off for now...
A friend should be dropping by soon...
I might be back a bit later...
END OF LOG

Thursday, April 15^th 1999
20:50 (8:50 PM)

Dear log,
Today was a nightmare...
A total nightmare...
I hate my job... I wish I could just walk away from it... I can... but I won't... I need the money... I need the money for the huge phone bill I'll be getting this month...
I hate people sometimes... they are so annoying and stupid... and small minded...
Like they never care... and why should they? They only care about themselves...
I barely slept at night... I think I might have slept for one hour...
I kept thinking of you Tiff...
I woke up with an empty feeling inside of me...
I want to just crawl in some dark hole and fade out...
I want to stop existing...
I want to know you...
The day was hell, I might get into a lot of trouble soon too... if I will I'll tell you more... If I don't I'll shut up about it... I do stupid things sometimes...
My dad called my cellular phone, he reminded me my birthday is coming up and asked me what I wanted as a present...
The only thing in my mind was you Tiff...
The only thing I want is a ticket out of here so I can meet you...
But how can I explain that to my dad, or anyone for that matter?
Would they understand? I believe they will mock me and my ways...
I don't know what we have here...
It's sick... It's crazy...
But I believe in it so much...
I believe if I tell my dad about you... he will laugh... I doubt he will understand... and so I must find some kind of answer on my own...
I wish you were here today Tiff...
I wish I was there...
I wish there was a way for me to just fade in your hug...
To feel safe... secure... loved...
I wonder how it might be...
And then I wonder if we really could make it work out...
I'm trying to find a way, any way, to reach you... but the road has a dead end...
I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself is this a face you could love... I keep wanting to change my face...
I'm so afraid you won't like something about me and you'll decide to go...
I couldn't make it through if I knew you were leaving...
I'm afraid so much...
Yet I must have answers...
I cannot continue like this...
So during the next month till the end of May, I will find ways for you to know me better... ways to reach you half the world away...
Maybe not a touch, but at least all the rest...
I'll find a way... I was always good with computers...
Even though they didn't like me much today...
I got really upset at my computer company... they sent me 3 bad hard drives... add to that already 3 bad hard drives I had and you see I spent most of my day formatting hard drives, and getting errors all the time...
I talk to myself a lot, I usually do it more when I'm next to a machine... I talk TO the machine... I don't even notice it anymore... people around me do... I just tell them it's normal after you spend so much time with computers... most of the technicians in the lab talk to the computers... or more frequently curse them out loud...
It usually takes a lot for me to lose my temper... but I didn't start the day in such a good mood either...
I'm usually a very relaxed and calm person, but I take my job too personally... I take everything personally... another one of my flaws...
That's why I couldn't stay in the army... everything there I took personally...
I rarely ever lose my temper... I never get into fights... I don't go down that level...
Last time I lost my temper I believe it was my 19th birthday...
A story of its own...
I was featured as one of the more interesting diaries to read in the April article of My Dear Diary, it's strange cause your log wasn't there Tiff... and without your log mine is just half a book...
It needs your log to be completed...
I check your log out a lot...
You get more "hits" than mine, and I find it so funny...
People are reading your thoughts to me... but they don't really know that I exist on that same Diary page as well...
Perhaps it's for the better...
I sometimes regret I went so public with this log in the first place...
Do you?
I guess I wanted more people like you, Tiff...
But now I just want you...
Completely mad, aren't I?
I will find a way to reach you... some day ... I hope...
But I'm tired now...
I'll go to sleep and hope I'll have a letter from you Tiff, or a diary entry to read when I wake up...
END OF LOG

Saturday, April 17^th 1999
2:32 am

Dear log,
Another long day... I hate going to those 3D classes, they didn't turn out the way I expected... it's all a fraud... I hate my damned country...
It seems like those lessons get longer each time I go...
And I can do a better job learning on my own than from the damned boring teacher...
Got home around 5 PM...
I talked to my mom a bit yesterday, she went to see the movie "Message In A Bottle" today...
I asked her if she thought it was possible to fall in love with someone by just reading lines of text... she said yes... and then I told her that when you actually meet the person he/she might not be what you expected... she believed that too...
I guess asking my mom was pretty pointless, she isn't very decisive... I don't think she has any thoughts of her own...
She can't make a decision...
To Tiff:

"If I would tell you,
How much you mean to me,
I think you wouldn't understand it,
So I'll wait, I'll wait,
Until this day comes,
When you will understand me

But I can't help myself
I can't stop myself
I am going crazy
I cannot stop myself
I cannot control myself
I am going crazy

And I love you
I want you
I want to talk to you
I want to be with you

And I love you
I want you
I want to talk to you
I want to be with you

I cannot change it
I am sure not making it
One big hell of a fuss
I cannot turn my back
I've got to face the fact
Life without you is hazy

And I love you
I want you
I want to talk to you
I want to be with you

And I love you
I want you
I want to talk to you
I want to be with you

Kiss me, thrill me
Don't say goodbye
Hug me, love me
Don't say goodbye
Oh, oh, oh...
Don't say goodbye

But I can't help myself
I can't stop myself
I am going crazy
I cannot turn my back
I've got to face the fact
Life without you is hazy

And I love you
I want you
I want to talk to you
I want to be with you

And I love you
I want you
I want to talk to you
I want to be with you
Oh, oh, oh...

Kiss me goodbye"