Tuesday, August 1^st, 1995
1:05 am

Dear log,
well, Shawn is in a remote camp somewhere in the middle of nowhere, at least
I have a week and half of quiet. I don't have to worry about me having to call
her, cause I can't call her.
Currently, I am in a search of a job, no luck, I probably won't find anything.
I got a call from Nick today (yet another friend of mine), he told me that
this guy friend of his from a band had just signed up with
a pretty big record company here and is currently working on a
video clip, he wants 20-30 seconds of 3D-animation and Nick sent him to me.
We are supposed to meet soon, unless the guy changes his mind.
It'll be great if I get the job, I'll get paid for something I love doing.
But now that the issue came up, I have an illegal program and if people
started sniffing around I can get caught for piracy and that's bad.
Gaia called today, she probably wants me to call her back. It's weird I
can't remember what she said... I don't have that problem with Shawn.
I might be buying a new CD-ROM game tomorrow "Under a Killing Moon", It's
supposed to be a great game, I'll need a good game for a little while.
I still didn't tell you the entire Shawn story did I? No, I didn't.
I guess I should, I can't remember all of it, parts of it just come and go.
I don't have time now. God, I love her.
If I get caught with that illegal program, I'm gonna kill myself, they took
everything I had, they can't take this, if they take the only thing I'm good
at, my computer, I'm not thinking twice, I'm jumping from the nearest tallest building. Fuckem all!
Shawn, please tell me you hate me, I need to hear you say it.
I hope she finds someone at that camp, I hope she meets the perfect guy there,
he'll be smart, pretty, cute, funny etc... They shall both fall in love and
decide to be boyfriend-girlfriend. Shawn will call, say that she's sorry and
that she has a boyfriend and I'll be free to do what I want (wait till death
comes and take me).
I'm going crazy, I just don't know what to do.
END OF LOG



Tuesday, August 8^th, 1995
0:19 a.m.

Dear log,
it's been a week since my last entry, Shawn called on Saturday but I was
sleeping and she asked not to wake me up. I guess she didn't meet anyone yet.
I love her so much, it's amazing how no one can understand how much I love
her. This is love, the real thing, Rona tells me to move on, to find someone
else and I tell her I can't and she doesn't understand why not. There are
probably few people who ever felt like me, true love, total loyalty to one
person, even if she doesn't give a damn about me. I wish her to be happy and
I'll do everything I can to make her happy. I just had a thought, the best
birthday present... for next year, no I'd better not. Buying her a CD with a
Star Trek game on it would probably be a bad idea. It's odd how everything
reminds me of her, just everything. I see other girls walking past me and
instead of thinking how to make a pass, I'm thinking of Shawn.
I've made my decision, I won't find any other girl to be with, unless I fall
in love again, which I doubt will happen. I'll just help Shawn wherever
and whenever I can, if she finds another boyfriend I'll be happy for her, if
they get into an argument I'll help her out and try to get them back together,
and I'll always be there for her. In the meantime I'll stick to my computer
and interact with games, save worlds, and help fictional people. Dumb idea?
Perhaps, but what other choice do I have, get married to someone I don't love
and regret it for the rest of my life, turn out like my parents? (They are
divorced, yet another story to be told, seems like I never have time)
I think my parents should never have married. Well, enough about that.
I didn't call Gaia, and I don't think I will, she deserves someone better,
she doesn't know me, or anything about me, and I won't be able to tell her,
so I'd better just disappear from her life. I hope that she didn't have a
crush on me, she probably didn't. A crush on me? Fucking impossible and
illogical, what kind of girl could possibly have a crush on me?
I hope she's O.K. I need to talk to Rona, I'll try phoning her tomorrow, if
I have time. I'm working again, crappy job, but at least I'm busy, it seems
I haven't been bored for a long time, I don't have time to be bored.
Remember I told you about that band, well I chickened out cause I was
scared the good old law will catch me, and I don't really have any money, so
I decided not to get into trouble, and I sent them to a friend of a friend,
he's good at his job, he'll do a great job.
I bought the game UAKM (Under A Killing Moon) and finished it and my CD-ROM
has now gone haywire and started scratching my CD's (it wasn't the game's
fault), it really scratched my third disk, I hope I'll still be able to play
it without trouble.
God, I'm going crazy, I've gotta keep on being occupied, cause when I think
I get depressed.
I have to meet Rona, something happened to her, and I gotta talk to her, I
hope she won't do anything crazy that she'll regret about later.
It seems like a friend of hers named Gus (the dude from the Fire,
see MAY 1995) left her, I don't know the whole story, and she doesn't seem
to trust me enough to tell me, right now, she wants to make contact with a
guy, I think his name was Ernie (seems like that name is haunting me, Shawn's
former boyfriend was named Ernie, he left her, after a while she called me
the rest is history, I hate him for that. I guess he's the only person in this
world I really hate, cause he hurt Shawn, bastard, how can you hurt someone
like her, an angel like her? I recall Shawn told me about a guy Ernie who was
bugging her last year when she came to visit from her trip, I don't think
he's the same guy, but then again, how did she meet Ernie, who was living so far
from her?)
Anyway it seems like Ernie, Rona wants to talk to, is a bit compulsive about
sex, if he hurts Rona I don't know what I'll do, she's enough hurt as it is.
She needs a break, some happiness in her life, if only I could give her some,
or help her get it.
Writing about Ernie, Shawn's former boyfriend, and thinking about him always
gives me this feeling, I can't describe it, it's weird, it's a sting in the
heart, he was with her, he charmed her, he did it. I didn't. He was with her,
he hugged her, he kissed her, he held her, he cheered her up, he talked to her
about everything, he was with her. I hate him so, and yet I envy him so much.
He did things with her, I'll never do, not in my lifetime, and it's eating
me from the inside, killing me, stinging me. I would give anything I have, and
do anything for a hug from her, a kiss, a touch. I'm dying here. I wish I were
dead. I don't believe Shawn ever thought she can make someone feel like this,
but she did. Shit, I hate feeling like this, totally helpless.
It kills me to know I'll never be with her, ever.
Rona wants to talk to her, to ask from her to break our connection, I can't,
I want to be with her and I want to talk to her, but every time I do, it rips
me apart inside. Inside, I'm screaming for help, for death to come and take
me to stop the only pain I can't handle, the pain of love.
I can take anything, insults, hated by many people, but not this, this is too
much, God.
Last time we met, she asked me if I was all right, what the fuck was I supposed
to say, "No, I'm not, I love you and it's driving me crazy"?!
I can't, I can't face her again, I can't tell her, I wish she'd move on, find
someone, and tell me to go to hell from where I came from.
I wish she didn't call me when she came to my city, I wish Ernie had never
broken up with her, cause then I wouldn't have been in this fucking fix.
I think God created me for laughs, I bet he's laughing right now, looking at
me, and thinking of the next torture he can lay on me, I'd like to talk to
you God! How come you kill young kids and teenagers that want to live and
have a good life, and don't take me, huh?! I am fucking ready and willing to
die, I mock death, death doesn't scare me at all, go ahead and kill me!
See if I care!!! What are you chicken or something!!! It's all here in writing
and I'm not erasing one bit of this! It's here and I'm not taking it back!!!
I want to die...
Why can't a car run me over or something? Why?
I'll do much more good dead from alive, I won't go around fucking people's
lives, and making trouble...
The day Shawn said "no" is the day I died, I was never happy again, my life
ended there, yet God refuses to admit it. And you know the dead don't come
back to life, so dead I shall stay forever, the dead walking this earth.
END OF LOG



Wednesday, August 9^th, 1995
2:23 a.m.

Dear log,
I'll try to keep this short cause it's late and I have to wake up early
tomorrow. Nothing new really, just my old problems. I've been thinking of
Shawn again, and getting myself depressed again, I think about her more than
usual now, and when that happens I get even more depressed. I think about her
all the time, but every now and then, I remember she'll never be with me, and
that's when it really starts to hurt, I saw some TV programs today, on TV it's
always so easy, I hate it!
I might be sending my computer to be repaired, again, today so I'll have to
backup my files and erase them from my hard disk, which also means I won't be
able to write for a while.
I've made up my mind, and I guess you know that already, I'm gonna stay alone
for the rest of my life, I'm not going to be with someone I don't love and I
don't think I'll ever get over Shawn, so I might as well be alone. I guess
this means I'll stay a virgin too, just like "Leisure Suit Larry", only I'm not
going to do anything about it when I'm 40 years old. Big deal.
Where is my life going to? I can't see anything.
I'm thinking of getting contact lenses, it'll make me look uglier, but I have
developed a pretty big disliking for my glasses, especially after they put
zits and wounds on my face.
Back to Shawn, did you notice that she's mentioned on almost every log here?
I'm fucking obsessed, I'm fucking crazy.
What did Ernie do? How did he charm her? What was it about him? His looks?
His brain? Everything? How could he leave her? He's probably the dumbest man
in the world. It doesn't matter.
It's weird how I remember the little things we did together, I try to
remember everything we do, I usually get flashbacks, as they call it.
Someone says, or does something and it remind me about something me and Shawn
did together. The hell with sleep!
I've got to tell the story! Or at least a part of it!
Let's start shall we?
We'll go back one year, July 1994.
I recall it was evening when the phone rang, I don't remember if mom picked
up the phone or I did, I think it was mom.
Shawn was on the phone, after almost 6 years when we had no contact, she calls
me. I never did understand why, she never told me. I don't remember much of
the conversation, I do remember I said "long time no speak" and she said
"long time no see". She told me she's coming to my city from a field trip and
she's staying in an army base, she wanted me to come visit her on Saturday,
when she had some time off. I said I will. As I said I don't recall much from
the call (if I'll remember something I'll write it down, as I said it all
comes and goes). I did get the impression that she loves computers, probably
one of the few reasons I didn't score high in her rating since I kept talking
about computers and computer games, and instead of she telling me "The_anonym, shut
the fuck up!" she suffered quietly and probably thought to herself, "What a
geek" (which was pretty much correct at that time).
Anyway, after that call I was pretty mad, since she suddenly called after 6
years, and I have to go visit her. Why was I mad, I was mad since she was the
one to end the connection between us in the first place! Confused?
For those of you who don't know the story, when I was small I lived in Lagos
Nigeria (which is in Africa), I was there between ages 3 to 7.
That's where I got my English, I don't know what I would have done without it.
Anyway, it's there where I met Shawn, I don't know
how or when I just remember her being there (I have these cute pictures of us
together, me dressed as a Smurf and she as an... ANGEL...).
When we were small, we were best of friends, as "Forest Gump", put it, we were
like peas and carrots.
We drew pictures for each other, she has some of mine, I don't have any of
hers, she gave me a pink heart shaped pen once, I kept it for a long time but
I think it was thrown out eventually.
My mom keeps reminding me how I said when I was in Nigeria that when I'll grow
up me and Shawn will get married. It seems my feelings for her stayed but her
feelings for me left.
Around age 7 I returned to my country, she stayed in Nigeria, we sent a few
letters to each other (I think) but not much contact. Our pictures where
usually filled with hearts and I love you's. It's funny how things turned up.
She also came to my country, and we met a few times, even then she was living in
a different city, I remember I told all my friends from elementary school how I had
a girlfriend, and how pretty she was, cause to me we were
officially friends, that's also the reason that when I had a girlfriend on
fourth or fifth grade I thought I was betraying Shawn, and I was scared about
what she might say.
I remember that I had a dream when I was in elementary school that Shawn came
to live in my city, and learnt at my school, I was disappointed when I woke up
to find out it was a dream. Sometimes I dream about things that will happen,
I dream about a certain picture, and some time later I see the same picture.
You know, that Deja Vu feeling. I dreamt about Shawn many times, none of the
pictures came true, I dreamt I kissed her once, but that never happened, and
it never will.
We had a pretty bad connection while I was in elementary school, and around
fifth grade it ended completely. Or so I think.
Looking back at my past, it seems like I always loved Shawn since I thought
about her much those days.
Anyway, seventh grade came along, also with a special occasion, we sent invitations
to Shawn's family, and on the big day I waited for
the arrival of Shawn, I wanted to see her so much, you can guess how
disappointed I was when she didn't come. That day for me meant the end of our
connection, totally. Her parents said that she's been in a trip, I never
asked her if that was correct. They bought me a book called "Planet Earth",
also a name of one of Duran Duran's songs, Shawn loves so much. Another funny
coincidence? Perhaps. From then I tried to meet her a few more times but she
never could, I thought she was giving excuses cause she didn't want to see me,
so I stopped trying, I get hints (I think), again I don't know if it's true
or not. So that's how I didn't talk to her since around fifth grade.
I had a pen pal named Lora when I was in seventh grade, (I ended that one,
Lora probably hates me for that), I decided to meet her once,
we went to a mall (and there I found out that she was a vegetarian).
I went with my mom and my sister (I think my sister was there), mom left me
and Lora alone to talk and went sight seeing (with my sister I believe).
Later when we met she told me that Shawn was there, I recall I got scared,
to me, even though we haven't seen each other for a long time, she was still
my girlfriend, and I felt like a traitor. I didn't go look for her, I stayed
with Lora and tried to spot Shawn, thinking of what I might say to her when
we met, I didn't bump into her, and so we didn't meet.
That's the entire Shawn story (or the more important facts of it) until last
year. As I said I was mad, that she just called after all these years like
nothing happened. I wanted to not go, just like she didn't to meet me all
those years I wouldn't meet her, but since I had girl problems, and that's
an entirely different and long story of it's own, I decided I had nothing to
lose (dumb me) and went to meet her.
Well I've been writing for one hour, I'd better quit now, and continue some
other time, perhaps tomorrow?
3:24 a.m., The_anonym, craziest and dumbest man in the world signing off, with luck
for good.
END OF LOG



Saturday, August 12^th, 1995
00:47 a.m.

Dear log,
well here I am again. I feel like crying, but I won't cry, I can't cry, dead
men don't cry, can't cry, and I'm as dead as they get.
Shawn returned home, it seems a friend of hers, fell down and
really hurt herself bad, she is now really depressed, she refused to eat so
they stuck tubes in her. I hope she'll be O.K. I wish there was
someway I could help, but there isn't right? I wish it would have happened to
me, I wish I was dead.
We were supposed to go to a sort of bar-restaurant, today, but
because of me it probably got canceled, I couldn't go, I couldn't see anyone,
not today, I felt bad all day. Lin hates my guts now and so does Rona, and
it's all my fault, because of me Lin has no way to get there so she didn't
go. I'm sorry, I just can't do this not today, I'm thinking of Shawn more
than ever. Today was our local date for Valentines Day, as you probably
guessed that was not mentioned in the conversation between me and Shawn today.
Who am I writing this stupid log for anyway?!
I mean. Who the fuck is ever going to see it but myself?!!! I know my
problems, why am I writing them down?!! In case I get Amnesia?!
I decided I'm taking this log to the grave with me if I can, nobody should
know about its existence. I've been thinking of Shawn more than usual, which
means that I'm thinking about her constantly... I just can't get her out of
my mind and it's killing me, it's driving me CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am I going insane? I wish I was dead! God isn't listening!
I saw this movie about ghosts yesterday, it is supposed to be based on a true
story, it convinced me that we are only toys in God's hands. It was about
this family who kept getting haunted, know it all's told them that the demon
wants to break up their family and kill them. They kept asking for God to help
them, but if God didn't want the ghosts to be there he would have taken them
away, right? I think he got a good laugh when he scared those people. Does
God enjoy killing? If not, how come he is the only one who has the right to
kill? And how come he doesn't kill people who want to die?
I don't know...
I was telling my story last entry, right?
I guess I'd better tell some more.
I went to meet her, in that army base in my city, like I promised. We got there
before her parents did. We signed for her (so in case something happened, it's
our fault and not theirs) and waited.
And then, after about 6 years that I didn't see her, I saw her, I immediately
recognized her, she was beautiful, gold hair, deep blue-green eyes, smiling.
I saw her and knew it was her, unfortunately it was not the opposite, she
passed in front of me and ignored me completely, she didn't recognize me.
She did recognize my mom, asked her where I was, and mom pointed behind her,
towards me. I believe the face I saw when Shawn turned to me, was a
disappointment face, she didn't expect to meet a four-eyed geek, she
remembered me as someone else entirely and she was disappointed to find out
that I didn't turn out the way she thought I would, my fault. I'm sorry Shawn,
forgive me, but I'll change everything, everything will be fine, you'll see,
I'll correct everything!
I slowly established a theory about Shawn's life, gathering pieces and trying
to see the picture on the puzzle. Here is the theory:
Shawn had a boyfriend, his name is Ernie, Ernie lives far away from her,
I don't know how they met, but they did, they became
boyfriend and girlfriend (I would give dates and times but I don't have any).
They were together for 6 months, one day Ernie calls Shawn and tells her he has
another girlfriend in his city, and that he's dumping her (Shawn), for that
girl. That's how the relationship ended, as I understood they never talked
since. Shawn acts like she hates him now, for what he's done, I believe she
still loves him, and that she is still in love with him. I would help if I
could, really, but I can't. Shawn told me about how she played truth or dare
with Ernie's friend and the sick things they made each other do (Shawn told me
that Ernie made her this disgusting drink that she had to drink and told me
she nearly puked after drinking it, now that's not something someone would do
if he loves somebody, that bastard Ernie never loved her! I wonder how he
looks, probably someone smart and handsome).
So Ernie dumped Shawn and Shawn feeling lonely and knowing she has to go to
my city, suddenly recalls me, whom she thought should look extremely good by
now, in fact I was supposed to be dead, I was very close to taking 20
pills, but my mom's boyfriend suddenly showed up and I had to abort the plan.
Which turned out to be a good idea since 20 pills wouldn't have killed me,
they would only knock me out, I would go to the hospital and I would have an
"attempted suicide" on my private file. So Shawn thought she'll meet the man
of her dreams, but she met me, definitely no knight on a white horse, no
prince. She gave me a chance, though, but I blew it, (at least I think she
gave me a chance). Well, that's my theory, I don't know how much is true and
how much is not, but I'll probably never find out anyway so I'll believe in
this for a while.
Guess what? I'm getting contact lenses (I always wanted to look like a frog).
I'll look uglier now, but I don't care.
So Shawn got in our car, her parents brought her some chocolate milk and she
drank it while we were going to some touring spots in my city, I remember she
spilt some chocolate milk on herself and got her jeans dirty, she was wearing
short jeans, got to her knees, I wish I could remember the shirt, I'm not
much of a romantic, eh?
We went to a kind of temple and she was afraid they wouldn't let her in, cause
her jeans are too short, they did let her in. we went to eat later on in a
place called the UN restaurant. It was there when I dared to ask
a question I had never asked any other girl in my life, I asked her if she
had a boyfriend, she said "no". She asked me if I had a girlfriend, I smiled
and said "no". Usually when I meet a girl I don't know, I make a good FIRST
impression, and later on I ruin it. This time, I ruined it from the beginning.
I think she told me something about Ernie there but I can't remember what part
of the story it was. We took her back to the base after lunch (she sat at her
parents car, not ours, this time). We put her at base, her parents brought her
food, and I met two friends of hers who were also there, I
remember one asked, "Where did you bring him from?" with a smile. I don't
remember Shawn's answer. So thus ended my first meeting with Shawn, she said
she'll call me, she knew my number by heart... I wonder why...
I took her number (put it in my watch), and we separated. Later on Shawn's
parents and sisters came to our house. Mom asked what about the future, but I
was sure Shawn didn't really mean to call me, and was just doing it to be
polite, I thought I'd never see her again, for at least another 6 years.
I was sure that was that, after the horrible impression I've made (like
telling her how a guy from my class killed a rabbit while we were in this field trip,
while we are eating, she didn't remember I told her that story when I
reminded her of it, though).
So you can guess how amazed I was when she called me some time later and
wanted to meet me, in what I call "I'm giving you another chance to prove
yourself" visit. No need to tell you, the impression I made on her was worse.
I know Shawn has a log too, it's her log that convinced me that I should write
a log of my own, the night she said "no" to me she said that would be quite a
story in her log... I wonder what she has written about me on that log..
Probably just these lines:
"Another jerk boy asked to be my boyfriend, he's not important. Tomorrow
I'm..."
Or she probably wrote down what an ass I am, what a dork, what an idiot etc...
Frankly, I don't know what I would have done if I had to write a log on a
notebook or something, I would have finished 3 by now, me and all my stories,
it's a good thing I decided to do it on my computer, plus I type faster than
I write.
Well, today I told you about the first time I met Shawn, next up is the first
time she came to sleep over at my house and how I bored her to death, don't
miss it, coming soon to a computer log near you...
THE_ANONYM FUCK UP 2!!! The_anonym fucks up, big time. Don't miss it.
I wish I was dead.
END OF LOG



Saturday, August 12^th, 1995
20:30 (8:30 PM)

Dear log,
here I am again, with yet another entry in this dumb log.
I read a book today and saw a nice phrase I'd like to quote:"The dead shouldn't
hang about trying to interfere with the living".
If you don't get it, it means I should quit hanging around living people and
ruin their lives. I bet Lin is still pissed at me, and so is Rona, I think
now would be the perfect time to end my relationship with them before things
get worse, I can't tell them about me, they won't understand, no one on this
fucking planet can understand. So I'd better disconnect, it would be the best
for them not to be around me, I just hurt people all the time.
I wonder how Gaia is, I hope she didn't have a crush on me, I find it
impossible to believe she actually wanted to be with me, I did her a big favor
by not calling back, she may think I'm cruel and disgusting, and she's quite
right, that's why she should find someone nice other than me, someone who'll
make her happy and won't fuck up her life.
I had many things to write in you, but I forgot most of them, maybe they'll
come back later.
I wonder how Shawn's friend is doing, I hope she feels better, I thought about it a lot
today, trying to find a way to help, but there is no way, I only met her once,
and trust me I didn't make such a good impression (Shawn was around and I find
it harder to act out and be charming when she's around, when she's near me my
mind goes blank, I get confused, all that comes up in my mind is I love you's,
but later her friend saved the day when she sprayed foam on us and we all got
involved in a foam fight, but we'll get to that story later on).
I decided I'll tell you my entire life story and not just Shawn's so I
wouldn't have to tell them later on.
I told you about the first time we met after 6 years, but you don't know the
situation I was in. I had a pretty low self esteem, though not as low as
today and I didn't get out of the house much, usually stayed at home and
watched TV a lot. My best friend was Bala an ex-girlfriend from fourth grade,
perhaps I should have never lost contact with her, she might have understood
my current condition, though I doubt it. I talked to Bala about almost
everything and she tried to convince me to go out, but I had no reason to,
she kept saying how naive I was, I'm pretty naive I guess, but who cares.
So all through grades 7 till 10 I was like that. In those days I had a crush
on a certain girl, I probably could have been her boyfriend since
not many boys hung around her (she wasn't very popular you see, actually she
was pretty unpopular, but I liked her) for three years I just stared at her
and didn't do a thing, until it passed, eventually. I'm saying I had a crush
on her only, I am in love with Shawn, not just a crush, that is something
that will never go away as long as I live. In those days I would take as a
girlfriend any girl who would accept me, and since I didn't find one I didn't
have a girlfriend. I used to look out my window to the view of the city at
night thinking that somewhere out there is the perfect girl for me, and
one day I'll find her, little did I know that when I did, my heart would be
broken. I was a pain in grades 7 till 10 I annoyed people, I didn't give a
damn about it too, people hated me, or so I think, but I didn't care, until
10 grade. On tenth grade I started caring about my image, it was bad, and I
wanted to change that I wanted to stop being annoying and to have more
friends and no enemies, I tried to do it but I failed, I couldn't change, so
I thought I'll forever stay who I am an annoying person which all hated, I
felt lonely, stressed, and I started thinking about death, after a while I
discovered I'm not afraid of dying, on the contrary, I welcome it, and that's
when I first started thinking seriously about suicide, I loved the idea to
die, I hated my life and I didn't want to live anymore, as I already told you,
I almost swallowed around 20 pills but I was interrupted in the process.
That's why I think Bala can help, she almost committed suicide, and had to be
rushed to the hospital to get saved. Most people who commit suicide do it
cause they want attention, and thus after taking the pills tell someone,
not me, the day I commit suicide I'll make sure nobody will be able to save me
suicide was made for dying not to almost die. So on tenth grade I invented
the prayer I say almost nightly, I hope I won't wake up tomorrow morning, I
wish to sleep forever. It never happened. So the crush on that girl left, and I
had a small crush on another, a pretty popular girl, who doesn't take much
notice to little geeks like me, I sent her a birthday card on her birthday,
got over my small crush after a few weeks and kept thinking of the former girl again.
It's a good thing the new crush ended fast cause I could have gotten my ass
kicked by a bully who also had a crush on her (and I believe still
does, even though he has a girlfriend), I had bad times with this bully (until I
saved his butt on a major English test by doing his copy of the test and
from that day he stopped bugging me, sometimes it's good to know English).
I wanted to see if I can change, so I got signed up to this host an American
in your house thing. I was supposed to host 2 Americans in my house for
around a week, and since English is not a problem for me, I decided to see if
I can start a fresh start with people I don't know and stop being annoying,
and stop talking so much, I found out I couldn't. I know that cause since,
I have annoyed many people I don't even know. Like on my recent job,
I annoyed the other kids I met there, I did a better job apologizing for it
though, every time they'd get annoyed I'd say, I'm tired guys, ignore me.
And that usually did it.
With the Americans though, an entirely different story. I thought we were
doing fine, and that I could change, I hosted 2 Americans,
I hosted them last year (same year I met Shawn) on summer vacation.
We went to a movie one evening with them, and later on met a sorta friend of
theirs (I don't know his name), their friend told me to stop bugging them
cause they don't like me, he quoted some pretty nasty things they said about me
and that's when it hit me, I'm a pain, people hate me, I can't change. I left
them, they didn't say anything to contradict him, they later came up
with an excuse that he thought I was an American, but they lied, he knew
damned well I'm not an American. Back to the present:
Now that I think of it I hadn't been in a good mood for months, I didn't
make people laugh for months, I was just depressed and it's getting worse, I
don't know if it will ever change.
I think I'll take a short break now, I'll write more later.
END OF LOG



Saturday, August 12^th, 1995
23:20 (11:20 PM)

Dear log,
well here I am again. I remembered some of the things I wanted to write,
hopefully I'll remember them later when I'll have to write them down.
I have a story to tell, another girl story, but it's kind of complicated, so
I'll tell you about Shawn's visit to my house first. I don't remember much
of that visit. I know it was Friday morning when she came over, I waited at
the bus station. And she showed up, beautiful, as usual. We took the bus
home, and right after she got here I bored her to death with my computer,
I showed her extremely boring games, etc...
She did like a game called Jazz Jackrabbit, but I only had the Shareware
version so that game ended pretty quickly. We decided to go to a movie that
night (yes, we played computer games all day), we thought to either go to
"The Mask" or to "Speed", I had already seen "Speed" so I wanted to see "The
Mask", they ran out of tickets to "The Mask" though, so I went to "Speed" with
her. (My friend also wanted to go to that movie with us, but I told him
he couldn't come with us, looking back that was my very first date with a
girl. I can't recall with whom I went to see "Speed" the first time, I went
alone perhaps? No, wait a minute, I remember now, it was a free movie from
one of them magazines, I went alone, but I met some girls I knew there.
You see when I was in tenth grade I made some friends with eight graders, I
got some phone numbers too, I just never used them, I felt bad about going out
with eight graders, perhaps it was a bad move not to call one of those girls,
but it seems like my entire life is one big mistake).
Let's get something straight first: my computer.
I guess I am what you call a computer nerd, bad at everything except his
computer. I suck at programing, but I'm good in computer animation and
graphics (though I wasn't good when I met Shawn).
I love my computer, I cherish it, and I worship it. If I could come back to
this earth as anything, I'd be a computer.
You know why I love my computer so much? I bet you don't, I bet you can't
understand how I can sit hours in front of that screen playing dumb games and
writing this dumb log, or doing computer graphics.
Only computer nerds like me can understand.
Let me tell you something about computers, those "horrible" machines which are
"taking over our lives".
My computer is my best friend, O.K., the fact that he is not human makes it
my best friend. It's always there for me, it never insults me, hurts me, or
gets mad at me or by me, it gives me worlds which I can explore, it gives me
scenes where I save the day, I'm the hero, the only drawback is, you have to
go back to normal life later. That's why virtual reality will be a hit, cause
people could do all this and feel like their really there.
My computer is my best friend, and it's the only one who can understand me,
and I know my secrets will be safe with it.
Shawn can't understand that, she doesn't understand how I can sit in front of
it for so many hours and do nothing useful. I've learnt you can't trust
humans, you can trust machines. I can sit in front of it cause I'm lonely and
depressed, and the computer gives me a war to fight, a puzzle to solve, so
I'll concentrate on something else, so I'll feel like I'm doing good, instead
of bad. My computer will never leave me, never tell me he can't talk now, or
that he doesn't have time, he'll always try to cheer me up. Yes, look back,
I wrote HE not IT, my computer is the best human friend I can ask for.
I talk to it, and now he talks back. If I didn't have my computer I don't
know what I would have done. I would have probably killed myself by now.
Back to "date" with Shawn. We ate Pizza before the movie, I recall she being
short on cash, I don't remember if I asked to buy her something or not, I
think I did. While we were in our local mall, we went to one of
those make-your-own-business-cards machines and we printed out 3 cards, I
printed out 2, she printed out 1, she gave me hers, I still have it, it's in
my wallet, I'll forever keep it. Remember the cards, they came of use later
on. The next morning we went to the Laser Quest to play a laser shooting game,
(the place closed down, and I don't know why). I still have the game receipt
from that game, we tried to stick together, but we shot each other a few
times. I remember how she looked in those Ultra Violet rays, it was something
I've never seen before, her hair shone, can't describe it...
ADDITION, 22.9.95 > Looking back at this log, I remembered another fact about
that day, after being in the Laser Quest, we went to the phone section and
she made some phone calls (one was to a boy I think), we played air-hockey 2
times (or three), when I paid for it, I won, when she paid for it, she won.
After the game, I bought 2 big round pieces of chewing gum, which turned out
very hard to chew, and then we waited for my mom. END OF ADDITION.
Later on I saw my computer was boring her to death, but it was to late to do
anything about it now, so we walked a bit, and we talked. I remember
now that when we were at the mall we heard a Duran Duran song (Wild Boys) that's when
she told me she was a fan. I don't remember what exactly we said to each
other in our walk, I think she told me a bit about the stuff they did at the
base that year, and she also told me about Ernie a bit. I don't know what I
said to her. I remember that when she met me at base, she mentioned an Ernie,
she said she had to get back at him, I also recall she told me there was a
party at the last night there, she didn't tell me if she danced with anyone,
though I do recall she said she was invited to dance since there were more
boys than girls.
Her parents came and took her that day from my house, they come here like we
live 2 blocks away. I do remember another thing, when we came home that night,
Shawn went straight to bed, she didn't even say goodnight, just went to bed
and fell asleep, she left the door open a bit, so I opened it some more, and
just stared at her, she was beautiful, I closed the door. I didn't wake her up
in the morning, she woke up by herself, I spent half the night thinking how
I'll wake her up. I must confess I wanted to come to the room she was sleeping
in and just watch her some more, I love looking at her, just stare at that
perfect face, I didn't do it though. So thus ended her first visit to my
house, oh yeah, at the movie I bought an extra large popcorn so we can share
it together, I don't know if she found that nice or plain stupid (but I did it
again), I thought it was a date...
God, how I love her. I didn't realize it then though, we kept a pretty rough
contact, a few phone calls here and there, sort of like now, only now it's
different, once when I talked to her I had hope, now all I have is fantasy.
Well, I thought that was definitely the end of it, boy was I wrong.
Meanwhile, I got to a new school.
I thought my luck with girls will definitely change there. So I
started to look for girls, and I didn't care who they were, I met a girl,
and thought things were going well, until she told me she was
Religious, and that means I can't ask her out Friday night, I also met
a nice girl with a complicated name (which I can't remember), that turned out
to be in seventh grade (gotta replace those glasses), and things were going
rotten as usual, another long girl story was the story of Tzan.
I met Tzan when a movie called "Adam's Family Values" was playing in a
cinema, and we had a free ticket from a magazine. I got a ticket for Tzan
too cause I was first in line with my friends Nilo and Ken (who is currently
in my country and he's ill), I got her the tickets and we started talking I was
making a pretty good impression, and at the end of the movie I asked Ken to
get her phone number for me (I was too shy), he gave it to me and told me she
had a boyfriend, I checked the number out and found out more about her at
home, (I checked every number in my schools phone book till I found it, as I
said I didn't have much of a life at tenth grade).
So now I knew what her last name was and where she
lived, big deal. I marked her number and went on with my pathetic excuse for
a life. On the summer vacation in 1994 (turns out to be a big event in my
life), oh , wait. Remember I said I joined that host an American thing, well
we had this trip first, to make a final selection about who's staying in the
program and who's not.
Lin had a friend of hers going there.
So Lin gave me a letter to deliver her, I
gave her the letter and hung around her a bit too, met her friends.
Well on summer 1994, I saw her again with the Americans (though we were in
different groups), I also met a friend of hers whom she met there (getting
complicated), he told me where he was from and I remembered that
that's where Tzan was from, by astonishing coincidence he also happened to
be a close friend of hers so I asked him to ask her if she remembered me,
the next time we met he said she did, it was the last day of the program and
he asked me to give him my phone number, I did, but she never called me, once
again I figured that was that. A couple of months later she called and we
decided to go on a date, she then postponed it for 2 times (I thought she
wanted to stand me up, but she didn't) and finally we met, saw a movie, we
didn't talk much, we didn't have anything to say to each other, she criticized
everything she saw, and told me how she loves throwing popcorn at people in
the cinema. I didn't call her after that night, we did not fit, and to think
about the odds of our meeting... weird, as I said, God put me here for laughs.
That's all the girl stories I can remember, except for my girlfriend's.
Shawn was supposed to come to my house again, she canceled it,
I remember her apology, she said she was very sorry, and I said it was O.K.
cause she had to go with her family, I remember what she told me, she asked
me why I wasn't angry with her, why I'm not mad, why do I keep saying that
it's O.K., she's hiding something inside and I know I'll never know what it
is. I had a trip from school right after the holiday, so I went, I thought I'd
call her from there, but things got fucked up, and I didn't (I took kitchen
duty so I could stay at the base (we were at an army base) while the rest of
the classes went to night activity, the fuck up was that that nights night
activity was a Bar-B-Que and all the classes stayed in base, while I cleaned
pots, at least the kitchen manager said I did a good job cleaning the trays.)
On that trip I got close to a girl called Ana, she got depressed and I talked
to her, cheered her up a bit, (My sister's name is also Ana) and we kept
pretty good contact after that trip between us.
I'm hungry, I'll go get a bowl of cereal and I'll be back.
After spending some time with Ana, we decided to become friends, and we
stayed that way for a month and 8 days, she was my first and probably my last
girlfriend. At that time I had no connection whatsoever with Shawn, she
never bothered calling(why should she?) and I didn't want to cheat on my
girlfriend. What I did with my girlfriend is not of importance, I did get my
first kiss from her, though we never French kissed (I think that's good).
I wonder if Ernie French kissed Shawn, I wonder what he was thinking about when
he kissed her. Only a few events are important to this story, while I was
Ana's boyfriend I wanted to throw away the card Shawn gave me, I couldn't do
it though, so I still have it. Another thing Ana did was calculate by adding
names or something how much people loved other people, a dumb method, but
something to do, I calculated how much Shawn loved me, I got a really high
number, and for that one split second I believed in what I was looking at, at
that one split second I believed that Shawn loves me, and I think that's what
triggered it, I started thinking of Shawn all the time, and I wanted to call
her, but I didn't want to feel like I was cheating and since me and my
girlfriend's relationship was going down I waited a small amount of time
until she asked us to break up, the truth, when she said that I couldn't care
less, I knew it was over, and I knew who I loved, Shawn. Later on another
trip, me and my ex-girlfriend got into many arguments, and today we barely
speak to each other, fine by me. I called Shawn on a Saturday after not
talking to her for about 2 months, after a while we planned to meet each
other, this time, at her place. I won't tell you about the third meeting
between us today, cause it's late and I have to go to work tomorrow.
And thus I decided to go to her house and ask her to be my girlfriend.
Well I'll tell you all about that next time, I did however forget to mention
that that was the time when I started to write my former log, which I erased
because I hated it, I'll probably erase this log eventually too.
END OF LOG



Monday, August 14^th, 1995
00:54 a.m.

Dear log,
I made up with Lin today, she didn't ask what was wrong on Friday night and
I thank her for that, she can't understand. Nilo came back from Polin, said
he had a great time. I'm thinking about getting in touch with Bala again, she
did help me in rough times, and who knows, maybe she can understand, I'll
see if I can meet her on that S.A.T exams on Tuesday.
Shawn called me today, she was having some problems with her computer (she
couldn't figure out why the CD-ROM won't work, I recognized the problem, she
didn't load the CD-ROM driver that defines the CD-ROM. I told her and the
problem was corrected), I wonder why she still talks to me after what I've
done, I'd bet she wants me to go to hell, I love her so much yet every time
I talk to her it depresses me, I can't take it!
Maybe she just keeps me around cause I'm good at computers and stuff, I can't
help her in anything else, and we don't talk about personal problems with each
other since we're not that close. I wonder what she'll think of this log if
she saw it. But, then again, why should she see it? I wish I was in the army
already, I would have been sad, but at least I would have been occupied, and
if I was really depressed, I'd have a gun to look at, and to use on myself.
Last entry I wrote about the first time Shawn came to sleep over at my house,
I forgot to tell something (I guess that will happen a lot, so every time I'll
remember something I'll just write about it).
After we went to the Laser Quest, we went to eat at Pizza Hut, there was this
mini deal for kids, that if you order it, you get a Star Trek cup, I still
have mine just sitting on the shelf, every time I look at it, it reminds me of
her, it's hard for me to realize that we won't be together. Ever.
I just can't believe it though, I know, logic and reality, tells me that we'll
never be together, but I can't grasp that, every time we meet, or talk, I keep
thinking that she's going to change her mind, I'm trying to fool myself here.
I know inside me we'll never be together, why the hell am I living a fantasy
and trying to make up memories with her that never happened and that will
never happen?
I want her to be happy, yet I'm only making her miserable.
She told me her friend was getting better, that's good.
I want to die so much.
I wish Shawn would fall in love with someone, then I can live my life in
peace, alone.
I can't be her boyfriend, even if she does change her mind, I'll have to
refuse, she'll be making a mistake if she wants to be my girlfriend (not that
it will ever happen), she deserves someone better than me, I believe she'll
find him, I don't fit the description of that someone.
When she said "no", only a day after, did I realize how smart she was that
she can see that being my girlfriend is a mistake, I would have said no also.
Well it's 1:10 a.m., I've got a job to go to, and I need some sleep, I didn't
write the rest of my story, but I will, it's still pretty long.
END OF LOG



Tuesday, August 15^th, 1995
00:55 a.m.

Dear log,
not much happened the past day, I'm starting to learn for my SAT's soon.
I've been thinking of Shawn a lot, I still can't grasp the fact that she will
never be with me. I wonder if anyone loved someone as much as I love her.
It's late now, so I won't be telling you more from the story in this entry,
I don't even know why I'm doing this entry since nothing happened. I told you
that Nilo returned from Polin, right? He wants to hear the Gaia story, I
hope I didn't hurt her feelings, I hope she's O.K.
She really is a sweet girl, It's just me, and for a change, it really is me,
not her, it's me who just can't understand life or reality, who can't
understand what the hell is going on around him.
When I talked to Shawn on Friday, I said I could meet her between the 25-27 in
August, hopefully she'll be doing something and although I'd really like to
see her again, I could spare myself the pain of facing her. I gotta shave.
I'll call her this Saturday, if she doesn't call me first with a problem.
She's hiding something, I don't know what it is or how significant it is, but
she's not telling me something. When she disappoints someone, she expects to
be yelled at and hated, the fact that I don't get mad at her (like the time
when she was supposed to come over), is not something she is used to.
Who yelled at her? Who was angry? Who could possibly yell at her? How can
someone yell at her and make her feel bad? What is her story? What is she
hiding? WHAT? Can I help? Can I accidentally make it worse?...
Can she ever forgive me for hurting her? Will she forgive me?
I wish she'd just take a gun and shoot me, or at least give the gun to me and
I'll shoot myself. I wish I was dead.
It's after one o'clock in the morning, I'd better get some sleep.
Will I ever get over her?
No.....
END OF LOG



Wednesday, August 16^th, 1995
23:17 (11:17 PM)
Dear log,
I started learning for my SAT's yesterday, and I got loads of homework to do
for tomorrow, perhaps, if I finish it fast enough, I'll write a longer entry.
Our phone went haywire, sometimes it works, and sometimes it don't, I keep
thinking I'm missing an important call, but I probably aren't.
I need to call Rona and Lin for long conversations. Maybe I'll do it
tomorrow. I found out more about Shawn's first visit to my house.
She came to my house between the 12th and 13th of August, 1994. I know that
cause I looked at the receipt from the time at that Laser Quest game, and it
had the date. This means that the first time I saw her after 6 years was either
July 30th or July 23rd (I think it was July 30th).
I keep thinking of her, thinking of all the facts that point to one thing,
that we'll never be together. Sure, she said that it's her loss, that maybe
in the future she'll change her mind, but that's not true. If this is her
loss, how come I'm in so much pain?
Remember the birthday card? "I knew we'll turn up best of friends".
If that isn't a clear statement that we'll just stay friends I don't know
what is. Nordo lent me his Star Trek: The Next Generation CD-ROM game, I want
to keep it with me so I can show it to Shawn.
I feel that she doesn't care about me, I don't understand her, why the hell
does she want to remain in touch with me? What good can come out of it?
I'm making her miserable, and I'm making myself miserable.
On the day I asked her, she said she keeps ruining everything. That's my
opinion of life, I'm the one who ruined everything by asking her.
She wanted me to yell at her... HOW COULD I?
WHAT RIGHT DO I HAVE TO YELL AT HER, WHEN I FUCKED UP? Why did she want me to
yell at her? Why didn't she yell at me? It was my fault...
I'm going insane, I can't concentrate on anything, I find it hard to think.
I just can't think of anything else but her. Is there anyone in the world
that ever felt like me, who knows this feeling? Is there anyone out there who
can understand what I'm going through?
Sometimes I think, what will happen if anyone read this log (except for
thinking I'm crazy), I wonder what would happen if Shawn read it, but she
never will, there's no reason for her to, plus she'll find out things that
she doesn't want to know. Rona wants to read this log, I told her she isn't going to,
I'm scared of what she might see in here, the only person I'll let read this
log is someone who'll understand my problems, fat chance, so I'll just keep
this log to myself now. I know it's safe since it's hidden and can't be seen
like the other files, so none of my friends can stumble upon it, if they will
I'll have to think of a better defense mode.
I don't plan on anyone reading this log but myself, and since I don't plan
being around here for a long time, when I decide, or have a feeling, that the
time to die has come, I'll copy the log files to a floppy disk, hide the
files in the disk (so it will seem the disk is empty) and by that way the
files will stay around for a long time without anyone finding them.
Eventually the disk will go bad, or be formatted, before anyone had a chance
to read that being dead is what The_anonym really wanted.
Well, it's a quarter to twelve now, it's getting late and I have homework,
perhaps I'll write more tomorrow, or today.
END OF LOG



Saturday, August 19^th, 1995
14:15 (2:15 PM)

Dear log,
I went to a party yesterday, as could be guessed, I didn't have a good mood.
I didn't want to be with people, I hate being around to many people.
Rona later came and I talked to her, I told her of how much I love Shawn,
she probably didn't understand. I told her about my feelings, and said that
I won't be coming to much parties anymore since I don't want so many people
around. I think I'll call Shawn today, I'm losing my mind.
Please God, kill me now and I won't ask for anything else. I want to be dead.
Mena called yesterday (Nilo was here), she wanted me to go out with her,
I don't know if I'll go yet.
I'm losing my mind, I can't love anyone else.
My dad is coming soon so I'll end this log and if I'll finish my homework in a
reasonable time I'll write some more
END OF LOG



Wednesday, August 23^rd, 1995
00:53 a.m.

Dear log,
well it seems as if I'm going to Shawn from Thursday till Saturday evening, I
don't know how I'll survive. I keep thinking of her. As usual I'll probably
get home depressed, extremely depressed. While I'm at her house I'll try and
keep a written log on some notebook, so every part of the trip will be
remembered, the log will then be copied to the computer and be destroyed.
I want to have this log so I'll remember everything that will happen when I'm
at her house, every conversation, what she wore, how she felt, what we did.
God, I love her so much.
I will have such a lonely life without her, I'll never get over her.
I went with Ken to a movie called "Bad Boys" today (or is it yesterday),
the film was good, but it was only then when I realized that I will never see
Ken again for as long as I live.
After this visit he's going back to Canada, later on his parents
will move to America and that's it, he won't write any letters to me, and
the past few years we were best buds will just go down the drain.
It's odd, this is the last time I'll ever see him, or hear from him. I can't
grasp that. I never lost a friend before, at least not this way, I mean, I
had friends moving to other places but we always call each other once in a
while cause they move inside the country, in this case Ken is moving abroad.
I'll miss him. And hey, who knows, perhaps we'll meet again (though I doubt
it).
I'm thinking of exercising regularly, since the job I have
developed a few muscles and I decided it'll be a shame to waste them, and
since I'm going to have a new look pretty soon, more muscles can't do any more
harm, right?
I wish I was in the army already, then I wouldn't have had time to think about
all these things.
I want to tell you the entire Shawn story before I go visit her on Thursday,
so that means I'll need to find a few available hours today, I'll try and find
some, hopefully I'll be successful.
Well that's all for now, it's 1 a.m. and I'm tired.
Shawn, I love you, I can't help it, I can't control it, I beg you to forgive
me... I love you so much, it just hurts inside, never ending pain.
END OF LOG



Thursday, August 24^th, 1995
1:07 a.m.

Dear log,
I guess I won't have enough time to write the story after all. I had a long
and annoying day today, but today's story is not important.
Shawn called around ten o'clock, I was supposed to call her, could you believe
I forgot? I just didn't notice it was getting late.
I'll be meeting her today, it's gonna hurt, I know it.
As I said, I'll keep a traveling journal when I'm at her house so that I'll
remember every part of it for the rest of my life. Who knows, this could be
the last time I'll ever see her.
She said she went to the movie "Batman Forever", she also told me that she now
owns a Batman cup, cause she got one at Mc'Donalds.
You need to have two tickets in order to get a cup, she didn't tell me who she
went with to that movie, I think it was a boy, I hope for her sake that he's
nice and sweet and etc...
She also told me that she's going out of town next week for this guy's birthday
party, I think this isn't just any guy, let's face it, she didn't come to my
party and now she's going all the way to out of town, this dude has to be special.
If she loves him, I hope she's successful.
Shawn, I love you so much, can you find it in your heart to forgive me for
what I've done? I'm going to give her many games and stuff, I hope she'll like
them, I know for sure that she thinks I'm all computer, and who knows maybe
I am, I can trust my computer, he's loyal to me, and though he can't love me,
he can't hate me either, and that's all I'm asking for. Well, I've still got
homework and I gotta pack for Shawn and take a bath and catch
some Z's next log I'll try to type in what happened at Shawn's house from
my temporary notebook log.
END OF LOG



Monday, August 28^th, 1995
0:01 a.m.

Dear log,
well it's midnight and I'm awake (nothing new), I bought a "Sade" cassette,
she has soft songs, I'm going to be REALLY depressed for the next few months,
or years. I went to Rona and talked to her, she couldn't help.
Said that she wants me to be with Shawn, but doesn't want Shawn to have me.
I didn't get it so she said that what she meant was that Shawn doesn't
deserve me, why do I think otherwise? I don't feel I deserve her.
Remember in one of the early logs I stated that this might be the last time I
ever see her, I have an even stronger feeling now that I'm never going to see
her, I'll tell you more about it later, today though while my memory is still
fresh, if I'm ever going to look back at this log, at least I'll know exactly
what happened those three days, and exactly what she was wearing and doing.
I'm going to lose her soon (like I ever had her), I know it.
I just want her to be happy.
I tried calling Bala, but she wasn't home, I feel bad about ending our
sort of relationship we had, we could talk about anything me and her, but I
guess these days are gone for good, huh? I'll try to do it anyway, nothing to
lose.
I have to eat soon, so I'll keep the last few sentences short, later today
Shawn called, asked me how things are, I said fine, we didn't have much to
talk about so it ended quickly. She asked me if I wasn't bored to death at her
place (how can I be bored when she's near me?), I said I wasn't bored but she
probably was (since we sat in front of the computer most of the time, and she
doesn't find that very interesting) she said she wasn't bored, and I said I
didn't really believe her. I believe she was bored to death, I always fuck
things up, I'm getting very good at it. I believe Shawn finds me EXTREMELY
boring. It's sad that I find her the most interesting person in the world.
Well, I'll go eat, be back in a sec.
END OF LOG


Same date
Time: 0:24 a.m.

Dear log,
Don't have much time again.
Well, let's tell you about my three day weekend at Shawn's. I will do it by
copying what I wrote on my temporary log to the computer and by adding more
stuff after the temporary log has been finished.
So, let's get started.
"Temp log"
Thursday, August 24^th, 1995
Time: 14:14 (2:14 PM)
Well, I'm on my way.
I'm in the bus now, going to Shawn. Excuse the handwriting. I brought tons of
games with me, and no Walkman this time. I worship her you know, she is
definitely perfect. Well it's kind off hard to write here, I'll write some more
later on

Time 14:39 (2:39 PM)
I forgot to take the necklace with me, I like to have it to remind me what an
idiot I am."

Those were the entries from the bus, I forgot to take the necklace with me,
I wanted to but the day I went to Shawn I went to sleep around 4:30 a.m. and
I woke up at twenty minutes before nine o'clock in the morning, I had to be
at school at nine, no need to explain I suppose, I was in such a hurry, I
didn't take the necklace. On my way to the bus station though, I bumped into
one of the girls from my school, she saw me run, said hi, and I yelled,
sorry, gotta run, I'm late for class. And dashed.
I mentioned it cause she always meets me in funny situations, she met me once
when I was going to my private math teacher, and I took a bus for only one
station cause I was to lazy to walk (she sat next to me on the bus-odd), and
she met me after the history exam (when I was totally loony).
Anyway, I got off the bus and called Shawn, she gave me directions on how to
reach the bus station that'll reach the station that she'll be waiting at.
But since I'm such a stupid ass, I went to the wrong station at first tripped
and fell on the way there, got there, saw it wasn't the right station, and
then I had to clean the dust from my pants and bag, since I tripped on dirt.
I then went back and found the station, there was a kid there complaining to
his mother about their bus that doesn't show up, there was also a girl there,
who later got picked up by her parents.
I took the bus Shawn told me to take, sat down on a seat and waited.
I was supposed to get down 2 stations after the central station,
I saw the first station go by and then I saw the other one, but since no one
rang the bell, the bus kept going and I got down a station too far (saw Shawn's
hair through the window of the bus when we passed the station).
I started walking back, and she saw me come and came to meet me, we talked a
bit, can't really remember what about, it'll probably come back later, we got
to her house, I had a drink of water, Shawn's mother warmed me a
sandwich cause I didn't eat dinner. Shawn (as always) wanted me to talk and
say things, I have a problem when she's around me, my mind goes blank, I can't
remember a thing, I can't think of anything, all I can do is stare at her.
After that we went to her room again, and I started messing with her computer,
in order to make it more efficient, the problem was that it took hours to do
it. Meanwhile I discovered that a friend of hers will be coming to
sleep over at Shawn's house also since she was baby-sitting next door until a
late hour. While I was clicking on the keyboard, she told me she was going to
her friend to see how things are going for her, the problem with me is that I know
Shawn hides a log of her own inside a drawer in her room. You can bet your
ass I'm dying to know her true feelings about me which are probably written in
that log, you can also guess that I never had the guts to do it, cause I was
to scared of getting caught while looking at it. I wonder what she writes
about me in there, probably how boring I am, and what a dweeb I am, and what
a pain I am. Anyway, she came back real quickly, so it was good that I didn't
look inside her log, even if I had all the time in the world I guess I
wouldn't have looked in that log since I wouldn't want to upset her, I fucked
up one to many times already. We where in front of the computer for a long
time, before she finally admitted that I was boring her to death (not in these
words exactly) and we turned of the computer for the night. Man, all she did,
was sit next to me and just stare at the screen, I always plan good but
something bad comes out of it, she probably hates me, I would, I do.
We went downstairs, to the TV room, she sat on the right couch, I sat on the
couch opposite the door. We started talking about all kinds of stuff, she did most of the talking, I
recall that during our conversation she started scratching her leg at a
mosquito bite and it started to bleed. I guess it was my fault, cause if I
wasn't there it wouldn't have happened. Her parents (along with the parents of
the kids next door which her friend was baby-sitting) came around 1 a.m., her friend
came over, and I guess that that's where the real story begins, and my story
ends. I'd better leave the story for the temporary log to tell, I wrote it
just one hour after the incident. (I recall Shawn was looking through a book
of all kinds of questions ("Are you shy?", "Are you bossy" etc...) and said
about herself that unfortunately enough she is shy.)
After hearing Shawn talk to her friend for an hour and a half, we went to bed, and
I wrote my entry on the temporary log.
I feel I'm losing my mind, I think I'm going crazy!
I'll have to write more tomorrow, perhaps when I wake up.
END OF LOG



Monday, August 28^th, 1995
12:55

Dear log,
woke up only a few minutes ago, I'll eat and then I'll go put brochures in
mailboxes I'll get some cash for it.
I had a dream about her last night, I dreamt we were both sitting on a bed,
I don't know if it was mine or hers, and we were talking, we started to come
closer to each other and then she rested her head on me, like I was a pillow,
and I stroked her hair. I woke up after that, just to find out it was a dream,
I hate it when that happens.
She's driving me crazy, I'm not safe anymore, even my dreams have turned
against me, I love her more than anything, and it's driving me nuts, why can't
it just leave me alone.
Let me write the entry from my temporary log now:
"Friday, August 25^th 1995
2:23 a.m.

It's over.
I'm at Shawn's house now and I know for sure, even though I knew it before,
that me and her will never be together. Like I said, she told me she was
going to a birthday, yet her intentions may not be to go only for a birthday
party, I think she wants to meet someone there.
A friend of Shawn's came to sleep over at her house too cause she
was baby-sitting near her house.
Reminders to tell back home:
missed correct bus station, computer boring.
Shawn wore a gray vest + short jeans with a star sewed on them to cover a
stain. Shawn also told me that her ex-boyfriend liked torturing bugs.
I want to go home, I'm dying here. It was too big a shock for just one day.
What? you ask.
Her friend started talking about this girl and later on came the
story, I believe Shawn's friend and not Shawn, I believe Shawn cared about my feelings,
I don't know why though.
The story:
Her friend said that during the time they were at that army camp in 1994,
Shawn had a crush on this cute guy (which looks really good without a
shirt by-the-way (unlike me)). That girl, kept taking him aside all the time, and
Shawn couldn't talk to him because of that, so she was pissed at her. (Shawn's Friend
said that the girl was sorry about that, cause she didn't know, and hoped Shawn
wasn't mad at her). Shawn then gave a full list:
*She isn't looking for a romantic relationship.
*She just wanted to talk to him cause he liked computer graphics and planes
and he seemed interesting.
*He has a girlfriend (which means that she did question about it and she is
interested)
*She doesn't want a long distant relationship after Ernie (she learnt her
lesson).
*She is just looking for a friend she can talk to.

I don't believe her, it seems my wish came true, she found someone whom she
can love, I'm happy for her.
I'm dying inside though, hearing what her friend said was like shooting a hole in
my head, to bad that wasn't true.
So I now have confirmation that Shawn will never be with me, I wish I didn't
love her so much.
I guess this means I'm gonna stay alone for a long time.
Just as well, Shawn deserves the best and I don't qualify for the best.
Why does she still talk to me? Why does she want me around?
Perhaps this is the last time I'll ever see her.
I love her so much, I just want her to be happy.
When her friend said what she said, I tried to make it look like I couldn't care
less, I don't know how successful I was.
I want to talk to Rona.
I want to go home.
I want to cry, I can't cry, not anymore, I'm dead.
So today my life has been chosen for me, a life of loneliness, of waiting for
something that will never happen, to live without living.
I'll try to help Shawn as much as I can, even if it means I'll hurt and
suffer. I'll do anything to make her happy. And if that guy will make her happy,
I'll help her get him, I just hope that one day she'll forgive me.
END OF LOG"

So, now you know what happened, I don't believe Shawn isn't looking for a
romantic relationship, we are all in search of our perfect mate.
She will probably meet him at that party, problem is that this time I won't
have Shawn's friend to tell me what happened, shit.
YOU BETTER TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!?! YOU TAKE FUCKEN
GOOD CARE OF HER!!! YOU HURT HER FEELINGS OR HER, AND I'LL KILL YOU, DID YOU
GET THAT?!?!? I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How is he like Ernie? Did Ernie like planes? Is that why she was attracted to
him? I see all the couples at school, and I feel I'm losing my mind, to never
be hugged, or loved by someone, that's my future.
So be it, I'll live alone and I'll die alone. All I can do is hope that one
day Shawn will forgive me for what I have done. I can't help it, I love her.
END OF LOG



Tuesday, August 29^th, 1995
00:58 a.m.

Dear log,
well it's late at night again. I got tons of homework from my SAT but,
I have a feeling I won't be doing them. I'm going crazy. I can't stop
thinking about her, of how I've lost her forever. What am I supposed to do?
What can I do? HELP ME, PLEASE! I love her, and I can't have her, and it's
driving me insane. Shawn, I love you, what can I do?
I'm going to make a bet with Nilo, which I think I'll turn to a double bet.
The original bet is, who will get married first (first to marry loses), and
I think I'll add in here also, who lost his virginity first (first one to lose
loses). I'm gonna win twice, I ain't never gonna love anyone but Shawn. Nilo
on the other hand, will get over Thema, I don't believe he really loves her,
he'll find a girl and get married. I'll have a cat, I want a female cat, at
least then I might feel loved. I won't give her a name, I don't believe in
names. I had a cat, cute as a button, about 6 months ago, it seemed like my
mom was allergic to cats so I had to give her away. I loved that cat, cause
she loved me too, she would lick my face, and sleep with me at night, it was
good to know that at least something out there loved me, even if it was a
short while and also an animal.
Shawn is going to that party, she's gonna buy him a sort of bag, cause she told
me that his was old and sort of torn. I know she's going there to meet the guy
her friend told me about.
I'm green with envy, at least I don't hate him, I envy him, he has the heart
of my love, if he dares to play with it though, I'll hate him, I'll kill him.
Shawn deserves to be happy, and she's going to be happy if it's the last thing
I do with my pathetic excuse for a life.
Back to the story, second day.
Shawn woke me up around 9:30, she walked into the room and I got up (yet I was
still on the bed under the blanket), I wonder what would have happened if I
didn't get up, probably nothing. I stayed under the covers in order that she
doesn't see me without my shirt, I don't like people seeing me without my
shirt or with short pants, I don't look very good.
I got dressed, took a shower, shaved, and went down, Shawn's friend and Shawn and
Shawn's little sister were there, we ate cereal for breakfast as Shawn
told me that we'll be going to a place with all kinds
of artists which sell their creations on the street, nice place.
Shawn's friend left and we were on our way,
on the way there she wanted me to talk, but again I had trouble of coming up
with a subject. I turned the air conditioning above us on, but it was pointed
at her seat, she sat next to the window, and then she tried to point it at my
direction, even though I told her it wasn't necessary, she couldn't point it
at my direction, so eventually I moved it a bit towards me.
After that, we went to a sort of mall.
We ate there at Burger King, we sat at a crocked table at first but then we
moved to the table behind us. She was smiling and sometimes laughing, she
has a great smile, but she keeps hiding it. And she also has a cute laugh,
but she keeps trying to hide that too, I'll do anything to hear her laugh,
strong with no boundaries, to hear how she laughs, she never laughs when I'm
around. We had to open our Ketchup bags with our teeth and when she opened
hers she looked so cute, like a cute puppy (of course when I looked at her,
she smiled gave that faint laugh of hers and stopped trying to get it open).
We kept walking around, we entered the Hard Rock Cafe and she saw a poster
she really wanted, I wish I could give it to her.
We took a bus home I nearly fell asleep in it, Shawn told me it was O.K. for
me to fall asleep but I didn't want to waste my time with her on sleep, I knew
I wasn't going to see her again. We took a bottle with water with us, she kept
nagging me to drink, just like a mother, why is she so perfect?
We got home and later on I just stuck her in front of the computer, I bored
her to death again. A friend of hers came by, she didn't stay long.
So we stayed home that night, didn't do anything, man am I stupid.
She wanted ice cream but since it got so late she changed her mind later, my
fault. She asked me if I wanted ice-cream, I said no, but she should take some
she said she'll take some only if I'll take some, I didn't have much choice
so I said O.K., I wanted her to have ice-cream, but later on she changed her
mind. We talked a bit and then we went to sleep (around 1:30 I think), I
wrote another entry in my log, I'll write to you tomorrow I guess.
Well, I've wasted enough time writing this log, I'd better go to sleep.
END OF LOG



Wednesday, August 30^th, 1995
17:47 (5:47 PM)

Dear log,
hopefully, this will be my last entry from my visit to Shawn, I hope to write
the remainders of the story plus all I can remember (little things).
Right now I believe Shawn is in that party, probably with that guy, I wonder if she
danced with him, I'll never know, since she'll never tell me.
I guess it's none of my business anyway, I just want to know everything about
her (one thing about her I did forget was how she broke her front teeth, she
told me but I forgot, stupid me.)
I know she has a scar on her tummy cause back in Nigeria a dog bit her there,
that's the reason she doesn't go to the swimming pool wearing a bikini.
I'd love to see that scar, there was a suggestion that we go to the swimming
pool when I was at her house but I didn't have a bathing suit (?) so we didn't
go, just as well, I don't look very good without a shirt.
Let's talk about the second day a bit more before I write down my entry.
She showed me a frog, which is really a paperweight, looks like it just fell
of the ceiling, makes you want to relax (but that was on Thursday not on
Friday).
Friday morning as we where eating our cornflakes (Shawn and I both ate
Frosties while her friend ate something else, I can't remember what)
we had some more conversations. We had a big discussion over Barbie dolls, and
Shawn's mother pointed out how I played with Barbies when I was little. I
don't remember playing with dolls, but I guess it would explain why I turned
out like this.
Her smaller sister, also pointed out that Shawn has a picture of her
kissing a boy, Shawn pointed out (together with her mother) that it was her uncle,
would have been irrelevant but her sister added that they were naked,
apparently they were taking a bath (together?).
In other words I understood that there is a picture of Shawn kissing her uncle
naked, I'm lost.
Another interesting story that happened on day two was the doctor Sbaitso
story, but I'll tell you that in the middle of the entry.
While we were (or you may say I was) playing with the computer, Shawn's sister sat on
her lap, she stated that her legs are itchy (Shawn is blonde, so shaving
her legs isn't that critical to eyesight), Shawn asked me to ignore what her
sister just said, I said that sometimes you shouldn't ignore what little
sisters say. Her sister also took pride of her extremely blonde hair (it's almost
white), Shawn has a bit of darker blonde.
I'm forgetting something but I don't know what it is or it's connection.
I better enter my entry from the ending of the second day:

"Saturday, August 26th, 1995
1:27 a.m.

Dear log,
we went to the artist's street today, it was nice, Shawn asked me if it bored
me, I told her it didn't. How can I be bored when she's around?
it's killing me.
She wore a green shirt with the words "Jeans, 100% cotton, pure fashion ***"
on it and short pants with paintings of fish.
Shawn loves-gum, green Orbit gum (peppermint flavor) and ice-cream and she'll
eat cucumber.
She doesn't want to be stuck in the kitchen when she's old.
We will never be together, I bore her. She wants me to talk but I can't, all
I can think of is how much I love her. Corny, ain't it?
There's a picture of her on the table near here, she looks really good.
(She didn't think so, she turned it over when I came to the room, I also
found out she hates taking pictures of herself, why? She's so beautiful. I
guess that means I won't have a picture of her.)
I look at the picture and I think, what can I offer her? Love? Why would she
want MY love?
I'm jealous, I admit, I'm jealous of all the people who are more close to her
than me (and that makes a lot of people). She told me about this guy
who's really big, and she said they talked about boyfriends and girlfriends.
Did she tell him about me? Or am I a small irrelevant speck of dust?
(all we are is dust in the wind...)
Shawn, I beg you to forgive me, I know I'm not worthy but I beg you, please
forgive me for what I'm doing to you, forgive me for making your life so
miserable.
Yesterday, when her friend was here and they were talking about the guy from the
party, Shawn told her she's just looking for a friend, someone to talk to,
and she pointed to her head, her friend said that that might be what the mind wants
pointing to her own head) but the heart wants something different (pointing to her own
heart). I don't get it, didn't she know about what I did?
Was I that insignificant? Guess I was. Couldn't blame her, though, my fault.
I looked at her today, I can't believe I did what I did, I just can't.
I'm such an idiot.
I guess I would cry, but I'm dead I've been dead for half a year now.
I gave Shawn a program called Dr.Sbaitso, supposed to be something like a
shrink, just through the computer + speech.
Shawn wanted to know if the program had a girlfriend so I started asking it,
and I kept on asking. I must have triggered an answer cause then he asked me:
"Tell me about your girlfriend", Shawn was next to me, I answered the truth,
"I don't have a girlfriend", and then the program suddenly got a brain and
asked "Why don't you have a girlfriend?"
I couldn't believe it, it was like it could read my mind, I was shocked, but
I had to respond, before Shawn notices that there's something wrong, I didn't
look at her, looking at Shawn would have been like blaming her, I looked at
the keyboard, I had to answer with an answer that will also show that I'm
taking those events pretty light and I don't worry about them. So I asked
the program again about it's girlfriend, lame, but the only thing I could
think of. Shawn didn't say a word.
I'm trying to act like it never happened and that I'm cool about it when I'm
around her, but when she can't see me I'm suffering in never ending pain from
that day, going through parts of it over and over, I can't believe I did it,
I just can't believe I did it (neither could she).
Well, I'm going to bed now, I'll write more tomorrow, I'll just have a last
look at Shawn's picture, this is probably the last time I'll ever see her,
I'm going to lose her forever, I know it, she knows it, though she's acting
like she doesn't. I'll forever love her, even if I do never see her.
END OF LOG
P.S.
In the picture she's holding a hat in her right hand, has short jeans, a dark
blue shirt with the word "Florida" on it, she's dirty (I don't know why), she
looks extremely beautiful, and she's smiling (sort of), she also told me that
she keeps 2 knives hidden in her room just in case. If I'll be dead, I'll
protect her from all evil. I'll be her guardian angel (or demon).
I won't let anything bad happen to her."

That was my entry from the end of my second day.
I woke up around 11 on the third day, I thought it was pretty late since Shawn
usually gets up early, so I got dressed quickly and headed for her room, the
door was open, when I got close I saw her, she was wearing a light blue
nightgown, a bit transparent, but not to much, and she looked better
than ever. She told me she'll be right there and closed the door, I went to
get organized, unlike the second day, I didn't shave and I looked pretty
horrible, doesn't matter I guess, she hates me anyways.
Her family was coming over, Shawn's mom told me to only answer one question
and tell the family that I'm a friend from Nigeria. Her grandma asked me if I
was her boyfriend, I said no, just a friend.
We decided to stay home (since it was late, our original plans also included
that we might go to the swimming pool, or an amusement park.)
We stayed at home and most of the day I bored her with the computer. We just
opened files all day, and I bored her, bored her, bored her. Later on we ate
dinner, then we went back to the computer, watched a bit TV, and then her dad
put me in the bus station, bus came almost immediately, and I was on my way
home. I woke up that morning shaking, I was shaking all morning, I knew
extremely well that I'll never see her again.
Close to the time I was leaving I started packing my
things, along with the games I brought, I also brought a movie I taped called
"Barbarella", which Duran Duran took their name from. We didn't see it while I was
there. She gave me the tape but I refused to take it, I taped the movie for
her to watch, she said she didn't know when she was going to see me again.
She knew as well as I did, that we will never meet again. She insisted I take
it, but I couldn't care less about the tape, I taped it for her, she is going
to watch it. At the end I left it at her house, she said she'll get me for it,
she always says that, it never happens. She doesn't understand that I'm not
leaving it at her house cause I want to meet her again, and the left
belongings are the excuse, I don't care if I never see the tape again, I just
want her to be happy and I know (or at least I believe) she wants to see that
movie, so I gave it to her. She said to me (in English) and I quote:
"You're too good to be true" I answered "You'd be amazed".
I'm true, Shawn, and I'm no good at all, I'm no good at all. I'm badness.
I just love you. Her dad drove me to the bus station, she thanked me, I asked
"for what? boring you to death?" she said I didn't bore her, I didn't believe
her. I'm a total bore.
As I entered the bus and sat down, I almost cried, I felt sick, I knew I'll
never see her again, and it made me feel sick, the idea of she having a
boyfriend soon, also made me feel sick, I felt I was going to throw up, I
still feel that way, when I think about the fact that she's going to have
someone soon. It's driving me crazy, and there's nothing I can do about it.
O.K. time for the last entry from my log, written on the way home:

"Saturday (same date as last entry from the temporary log)
21:58 (9:58 PM)

It's over.
Today I woke up around 11 a.m., I got dressed, went to her room, she was
wearing a light blue nightgown, and she looked great in it, I kept shaking all
morning. We didn't do much, I just bored her to death on her computer. I'm
never going to see her, ever. She knows it and I know it, today was the last
time I'll ever see her.
I almost cried now, but I didn't, I feel sick, I'm never going to see her
again. It's killing me.
Shawn, I beg your forgiveness, please forgive me, I love you and I can't help
it. She likes chewing green gum, she has 2 knives hidden in her room.
She wore a blue shirt with "ESPRINT" written on it, she wore the same jeans
she wore on Thursday, they have a 5 pointed star that hides a stain, she's a
great designer and painter, she said I was too good to be true, I'll never
believe that, she doesn't even know me, I left a video cassette with the
movie "Barbarella" on it, she didn't want to keep it at her house (we didn't
see it together) so I wanted to leave the tape so she'll watch it when she
has time, she kept saying "take it", "there'll be a rerun" she knew that
she'll never see me again, but I knew it also. I'll love her forever.
I need to talk to Rona, BADLY. I'll write in my computer log when I get
home.
END OF LOG."

That was my last entry in the log. I just ripped it tore it and put it in the
trash can so no one will ever find it. I'll never mention the cassette in
front of her or the movie, I won't even ask if she saw it or liked it. Cause
she might think I want the cassette back, and then she'll have to meet me
again, something I don't think she wants to do, and I can't blame her.
(...But that's O.K. cause I've got no self esteem...)
So, that was my last visit to Shawn and the last time I'll ever see her, it's
a good thing I made a temp log, cause now I'll be able to remember it for the
rest of my life. I believe my connection with Shawn will end soon, and she'll
disappear from my life (but not from my heart), I'll then get drafted and
hopefully get killed while serving my country, I don't want to stay alive
after the army.
Remember the bet with Nilo? Here it is:
A) The first one to have a girlfriend before the army loses and has to pay 2$
to the other one (bet canceled if both of us get to the army with no
girlfriends)
B) The first to get married loses, and has to buy a meal at any restaurant the
winner will chose. (The winner can also bring his girlfriend to that dinner
if he has one)
C) (Nilo's idea) If someone dies before the marriage, he must visit the other
one, in the new form.

Well those are the bets, I'll probably win since the only girl I'll ever
marry is Shawn, and somehow I have the feeling she doesn't have similar
thoughts. So, as I said I lead a lonely life, with only a cat (hopefully).
Now all I have left to tell is the story from my past and then, only the
stories of the present.
The August log was pretty long, and probably will be the longest due to all
the stories I told in it, I don't believe I'll have much more stories like
these to tell. Next time I'll write will probably be September with the
beginning of school to worry about, I'd better go now.
I wonder how things are for Shawn right now...
I bet she has a new boyfriend, I hope God will protect her, she deserves the
best.
END OF LOG