Dear log,
Long time no write, since last month even, and now my dumb program is fucking around with me again… making me write in red and other crap...but I think I made it work properly… but only time will tell…my dumb Microsoft program and Anti virus crap killed my hard drives twice this week so I had a "fun" time restoring everything to normal…I'm moving to Linux… seems like a better OS…
So, what's new you're probably asking? No you're not…no one ever entered this site…ever… 56 hits and they are all me…this site is just so well hidden between all those damned sites out there it’ll take centuries to find it…
But I promised to keep it updated…and I am known to keep my promises…unlike other people…
She promised…she promised she'll come with me when I leave…she is willing to accept the pain both of us will have to go through in the year and a half she has left in the army… and it is a lot of pain… for both of us…perhaps it's easier for me since I already learnt to accept pain as a part of my life…
So we are back together again, and I wonder why…we have met four times since we got back together… I feel like a fucking television series…after each meeting is concluded I expect to see the "to be continued…" text on the bottom…a "to be continued girlfriend" she hates it when I say it… but it feels so much like the truth…so when we got back together some 2 weeks ago, it was nice, and then she had to stay Saturday in the base, and then we met on Sunday when she came home for a few hours and we got each other pissed… and also last Thursday when she came home for this weekend…
But we sort of made up I guess… I don't think it'll last long, she said both of us are in love with what the other used to be, in the past…but we changed since then, and it is harder for us to accept it…
I am more closed in myself… I talk less, I say less… when I am sad I just shut up and suffer silently…waiting to get home to my computer…to enter a different world…it is hard for her to accept that, she needs to know what's wrong, how to cheer me up…but she can't, not anymore, those are the moments when I am alone…
So she got home last Thursday and instead of seeing me went folk dancing with her parents…and I am left here thinking…if she misses me so much…if she loves me so much…why can't she put aside her dancing and come see me after 2 weeks we almost didn't see each other…
Why can't she put me in front of something else she does at least once…
Why am I always second best…
And so we argue again, she doesn't understand me, I don't understand her…I explain to her, she explains to me…and still nothing…
I have to negotiate on the time she has when she gets home…this is so stupid…but I stay, and suffer quietly…waiting for the day to come…
The day I die, or leave…it really doesn't matter which…
I got some nude pictures on the computer from someone recently and one of the girls had a face so similar to a girl I loved so much…or perhaps still do…
It’s odd when you think of it…nude photos and I look at the girl's face…her body is totally irrelevant…
I'm talking about the girl who got me fixed with eighties music…let's call her Shawn… Shawn fits her well…
It's weird that after all this time, and after a year of not talking to her I still think of her, she can be dead for all I know…or she probably has a boyfriend or something…
Shawn is the kind of person that makes you think…hard…about the past…I had my chance with her, some 4 years back, and I didn't know it and blew it…
God, I'm so stupid….
I ended up hurting both of us, and spent a year grieving for it…and still I lost my chance…
Perhaps if I was more patient, more caring…
Different…yes, definitely…different…if I looked better, had a better personality…maybe then…
I bet things were different now…I might even had a will to live, I loved everything about her…she would tell me about the most dumb and boring things in the world and I would listen, perplexed…to the sound of her voice…
And I don't even have a picture of her…no small reminder whatsoever…as if she was never there…
Sometimes I feel so much like calling her…but what can I say…I'm still the same loser I used to be…
I think, I should go study show her I'm becoming something better…and another part of me says…"why?"…why bother…she will never want you…and I know it…but somehow it is so hard to accept it, even though I'm with someone else and she is probably with someone else as well…
I have a rotten feeling I'll live the rest of my life wondering "What if…" I hate that…
Another reason to leave…not that I need anymore…
Why bother indeed…it is so much easier to give up and let go…to die…
Dying is so simple…so close…yet so elusive…like a closed door that can open anytime by a gust of wind and break, but you dare not touch it yourself…you're just hoping that with the years it will decay and one day the breeze will just blow it away…
So here I am…wondering what to do with myself…wondering on what my girlfriend told me…that I love a different person than she is now…and I think she's right…I loved what she used to be and I pretty much dislike what she became since then…damned army…it changed all of us…I wonder how it changed Shawn…she was so innocent and naive before she went…is she now different…maybe she's a whole different person now as well…
Shawn is one of those lucky people that everything good happens to them…she's smart, funny, pretty (at least through my eyes), and successful, she gets all the best grades and all the best places to be in…
I guess I envy her sometimes…being so successful…whoever will marry her will be a very happy man…and I hope he will make her happy as well…even though I'm sure he will…
I was once told that I would get married twice in my life, and will only have 3 major loves…looks like I wasted 2 already…I'm wondering what more…
Then again I was told that I will have a blonde girlfriend from a fortune teller as well, and that never came true…or maybe it was Shawn and I messed up my chance by finding someone else…maybe if I would have kept on waiting…
Maybe…maybe…maybe…
But we'll never know…never…
Kind of hard to grasp it…"never"…
I am hoping my girlfriend will return to what she used to be when she leaves the army, and when we leave the country…even though it's doubtful…doubtful she'll change and doubtful she'll come with me…
I've got to leave this place…and it looks like the only time I'll be able to leave is so far away…
I'm totally fucked up now…
My mind is a mess…
I don't know what I am, and what to do…where to go…
I'm waiting for some kind of a savior…a savior I know will never come…ever…
And so ends another dumb entry in my dumb log…
And I wonder if anyone will ever drop by…will anyone ever read my thought and feelings…will anyone care…?
Going on 2 months and not one visitor…
Perhaps when I die, this place will be around for a while as a memorial…until the hosts of the page will kill it for lack of interest…
I would advertise but that seems stupid…
For now I'll just let it be, perhaps just a very good hiding place…a needle in a haystack…where no one will ever find it…ever…
END OF LOG