Sunday, February 11th, 1996
21:52 (9:52 PM)
Dear log...
I just split with Eva a few hours ago.
I did it, I mean, I'm the one who broke off the relationship, she wanted us
to stay together. I don't know if I did the right thing.
Why? You ask. Well Yesterday, we went to a party for Mick's and Rona's
birthday party and well, we didn't fight or anything, but I got real mad, by
the way she wasn't paying any attention to me and by the way she kept going
to other boys, and finally I stopped paying attention to her, I went upstairs
depressed and talked to Mena, Eva came and I didn't want to talk to her
so she left, later I went to Mick's computer and again didn't pay any
attention to her. I was mad, at a time I even indicated (in a subtle way)
that she was a slut, I never called anyone that, fortunately she didn't
remember that. So I ignored her the rest of the evening and today she came
over to my place and we "talked", if you may call it that. Actually half of
the time I was quiet, I told her it would be good idea if we broke up, then
she won't have me to tell her what to do. I know I'm not the only one who
thinks she's exaggerating with the hugging thing, more people yesterday
supported my view, Rona told me that Nick even calls her the "hugger" cause
she hugs everyone. It's hard you know, when your girlfriend goes to all the
boys around, and doesn't stop. I can't take it, yesterday I went insane.
I hate being jealous, if I keep being jealous, at the end I'll get used to her
being with other boys, and then I'll start treating her badly, and end up
hating her, I don't want that. So I did it, or at least I think I did, I told
her I still have to decide, but I didn't hug her or pay much attention to her.
Actually, I was cold, I didn't express any feelings, I still don't, nothing.
She wanted to know if I still love her, I didn't tell her, I told her that was
irrelevant to my decision. I did it all like I was a robot. I do love her, or
at least I think I do, I know I miss her already, I know that I'll always
regret this day and I know that I'll want to undo my actions only when it'll
be too late. I told her not to call me, I said I won't call her either, and
that I don't want to talk on the phone. She said that that means we're
breaking up cause we won't communicate for the rest of the week.
She brought home a bad report card and now her parent are giving her hell, I
think that this must have been one of her worst days in life (so far).
She then took a cab, I gave her a small good-bye kiss she said she'll call
later and I told her not to, she then left. I don't know when will be the next
time I hear from her, she forgot her head rubberband here. It smells just
like her.
She cried most of the time she was here, but I didn't treat her any better or
was any more compassionate to her. She also said she cried a lot at home cause
she fought with her parents a lot.
She left her necklace which I gave her here. It's that heart necklace I bought
Shawn about a year ago, I'm beginning to think it's cursed. She told me to
return it to her if I want her back.
I know I'll regret this, I just know it.
So now I'm all clear till the army, then I can shoot myself, and then it'll
all be over, my life my suffering, and other people's suffering.
She was on her knees and she was hugging my leg at a time, I wanted to stop
and to kiss her, but I know I had to get it over with A.S.A.P. I can't
continue having a girlfriend and feel jealous all the time. I just can't.
I can't cope with it.
So now it's back to square one, I'm all alone again. No one will probably ever
love me like she loved me, but I guess I don't need to be loved, I'll be dead
soon, just another 5 months left to live and then, BAM, army time, get a
weapon, shoot myself, end of story.
God give me strength to make it till the army without losing my mind first.
I can't live any longer, not now. Not anymore.
END OF LOG.
3:06 AM 2/14/96
Wednesday, February 14th, 1995
Dear log,
as you can see I have a new way of entering the time and date of the day, a
pretty neat function provided by a new program called Windows 95.
I'm back with Eva for now, I thought a lot on Monday and then I figured
that I made a mistake probably and that I also treated her very badly. At a
time I decided to leave it alone and just go to sleep cause I was very tired,
but at the end I got up, got dressed and went and bought flowers and then
went to her house. I waited on a sort of path for her to appear, I decided
that if she doesn't appear I'll throw the flowers or something and just go
home. Time passed a bit, I wondered if I was doing the right thing and around 15:08 (3:08 PM) she
appeared. My heart sprung, it beat like crazy, there she was, walking with a friend of hers, talking
she got half the way (I was on a path and in front of me was a sidewalk then the road (for cars) and
then the other sidewalk. She was walking on the further away from my sidewalk and for a moment I
thought she wasn't going to see me, then her friend looked at my side (later I saw that she had to
use the path I was sitting next to go home) and then Eva turned her head and saw me. You could see by
her face that she was pretty shocked to see me, she didn't expect that after I told her not to call
me and that I wouldn't call her. I returned her headband. I said I was sorry about Sunday and for
hurting her, and that I do love her and that I need her. And I gave her back the necklace. I later
gave her the flowers, we talked a bit and then she went home. I told her (and I still feel this way)
that I am not 100% sure I want to be with her, but I also don't want to be alone, cause I love her,
and that I hadn't really made up my mind about what I'll do. Ever since then she's been telling me
what a bad person she is, the way she hurt me, and how good I was, and she deserved
what I did to her
on Sunday, I hate it when she talks like that, I'm crap , everybody with some sense in them knows I'm
crap. She said I deserved better and I told her that no other girl would be as faithful as she is, or
would love me like she does.
Anyway, I still don't know if I should be with her or not, if I'll be better of alone or with her. I
know I'll get hurt again, I'm actually so depressed now that I'm actually expecting it all the time.
She went to my school today but I didn't go to school cause I was tired, she told me that she went to
a Bible lesson with Nilo and his friend, she also told me that he drew drawings on her hand and she
drew drawings on his, that's when I really knew she couldn't change. She later asked me if something
like that hurts me and I told her it does, but I know there is nothing she could do against it. She
said she'll stop it now, but I know it's just temporary, she can't change who she is, and I'll have
to live with it cause I just don't have a choice if I stay with her. She wants to come on Wednesday
(Valentine's day) but I don't think she will, I have a Bible test on Thursday and I don't really want
to be with her being depressed and all, I feel like shit and I have a feeling that if she comes I'll
even feel more like shit.
I'm thinking of getting some professional help from the school shrink, Nilo is meeting her and he
tells me she's Okay. I wonder if she can get me over this "kill me" phase. I want to die now more
than I did ever, I'm really wishing for it, and I really think about it. I know now that if
something isn't done and soon, then I'll probably shoot myself in the army, I really feel positive I
want to do it now, I gotta get some help, I must see if I have a chance at life before I let them go.
I fear that she won't be able to help me, and after that, only one thing to do BAM a bullet,
straight to the head, no regret, no remorse, no feelings, no thing, nothing.
To die, that's the only thing I kept on wanting for the past 3 years. All the other things I
stopped wanting or eventually got.
I probably will kill myself at the end. Whoopee.
I still didn't tell you my entire Shawn story did I?
No, you don't know all of it. Perhaps one day I'll tell it to you, and then again, perhaps not.
Perhaps it doesn't matter.
END OF LOG
Thursday, February 29th, 1996
2:28 a.m.
Dear log,
well I'm back, didn't write for a long time cause nothing happened. I missed
the class trip to the Negev plus Eilat, I did an animation job for my
neighbor, it turned out very well. I didn't get paid, but there is a rumor they
might buy me
something. Me and Eva are still together heading towards our 4 months anniversary on March 3rd.
And she wants to give me a special present, her body. The problem is, I'm not sure I'm ready yet
(yes after all this time). She's taking pills for about two weeks, and she thinks it's safe, I
told her that I think we'd better wait till after she starts the second pack cause that's what the
doctor advised us to do, she's going to call her and see if it's safe now. She wants to sleep over on
Sunday.
I believe it won't work, either A) The doctor will tell her to wait.
Or B) Her mom will tell her that she is not going to sleep over at my place,
even if she does
tell her that we're going to make love on Sunday, in which I tell her that I'd rather wait on.
After Sunday though, there is a long time, first of all she has lots of tests, which means she
won't see me a lot, and then she has to be hospitalized for surgery which means that nothing will
happen until April. I don't mind so much, I'm in no hurry, she is.
Can't figure out why though.
Speaking of April, Shawn has her birthday on April 2nd, should I send her a
card? Or should I
ignore the day completely? I don't know, I know what my friends will tell me (forget her, bla bla)
but it would be nice to send her a card, or perhaps I shouldn't? I know that sending her card is just
like asking her to call again (cause she'll have to say thanks and stuff) so I don't know if I
should do it or not.
We have time, so we'll wait and see.
Oh well, I have a history exam tomorrow, which I, as usual, haven't started getting ready for,
so I'll leave you here, the last log in February. And I'll write more on March, telling you all
about the latest developments.
END OF LOG.