Dear log,
It seems like I have nothing better to do at 3am than writing in this
dumb log. It's been a long weekend, it was Rona's birthday, we went out
early on Saturday morning to a little place in the woods with some friends,
and stayed there till the afternoon, she was kind of depressed since someone
she was hoping would become her boyfriend decided he isn't ready for the
commitment, naturally it kind of sucks when someone does it on your birthday.
So after returning home I showered and took her to a movie with another
friend of hers, Vera. Nice girl, another one that complains about non-committing
boys.
But what kind of boys are they attracted to? The guys with a thrill,
and they never look for something constant… The only guys looking for a
nice long relationship are usually pretty settled… I say usually since
I don't know many…
Like me… I'm settled, the boring type… that is probably what makes
me non "woman" material.
I'm wondering if I should send Shawn e-mail and keep in touch with
her even though nothing will ever come out of it, or go insane thinking
of what goes on in her life.
I'm tired, too tired… I want to leave so much… but there is nowhere
to go, nor do I have the means to get there…
The boring type… the dead type…
I don't know if there is someone visiting this page or not… the counter
keeps ticking yet, this page is pretty well damned hidden… I think.
Or perhaps I am mistaken.
Anyway, enough for today.
END OF LOG
Thursday, February 4th 1999
2:09 am
Dear log,
Here I am again. Something freaks me out about that damned counter,
every time I enter my site it jumps by 2, so either it's fucked up or someone
is coming here… who gives a shit anyway… I started downloading southpark
episodes from the net lately… It cheers me up, it humors me, but my phone
bill is going to rocket… again…
I wrote Shawn another letter, E-mail that is, I wouldn’t like to go
through my life without knowing how she did, and how successful and happy
she becomes. I know she'll make it, I envy her I guess, everything she
touches turns to gold. It's fucking amazing, how can one not fall madly
in love with her? Maybe that's why she'll always be able to find someone,
she'll never be the type that will be alone. She'll always have someone
for her, and it'll never be me. Ever.
So I wrote her a letter, and I'll stay in touch with her, and like
you my log, I will pour my thoughts to her, for all I know she'll throw
them to the garbage, I don't care, I'll never make it with her, I have
nothing to prove, or do I?
I don't know, she's still in my mind… is she the one because I can't
find anyone else to listen to, or is it something that will last forever.
I don't know… I fear it's one of those life time things…
Funny, and we don't have much in common other than music anyway…
This sucks, falling in love with the person that will never love me
back…
It's all in my head…no?
A friend made some orders for CD's for me from an online store… I wish
I had them already… even though I'm in a cash problem now…and I can't pay
him back… but money should be coming soon…
IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE?
CAN ANYONE LISTEN? PLEASE! NOT JUST HEAR ME BUT LISTEN???
Not asking the same question over and over after I already answered,
but to listen, and take interest… anyone…
Please…
END OF LOG