Tuesday, January 9^th, 1996
1:00 a.m.

Dear log,
long time no write, not much to write though, Eva and I are still together
and more than 2 months too. She made an appointment to a woman's doctor for
advice about pregnancy pills, I guess it means we're going to have sex.
The appointment is for January 28th, a Sunday.
I don't know about that. Sometimes I feel like I love her more than anything,
and on other times I just don't feel anything. I wonder if having sex would
be a good idea. I wonder if I'll end up alone.
We went out on New Year's Eve, and kissed exactly at midnight. First
year I've ever started with a kiss.
She had a Math final test last Thursday, exactly one day after our 2 months
anniversary, I surprised her with flowers after the exam was over. She was
pretty surprised, her mother was happy with the flowers too, Eva says her
mother really likes me. She also says her brother likes me. Cute.
And us, well when we're together in my house we do everything you can do
together besides sex. We usually lie naked next to each other, gives you a
weird feeling when you do that. I'm afraid to get near her when we're both
naked, she doesn't have that fear, perhaps because she knows exactly were
every body organ in her body is.
We took a bath together on Friday, December 29th, and we also took one
today, Eva says it's sexy, I don't disagree. On that same December I also
slept at her house, I didn't mean too, I just fell asleep there. I woke up in
the morning, ate breakfast and left around 13:00 (1 PM), her parents didn't say a
thing. Last Friday we stayed at home because there was pretty bad weather, she
wanted to persuade her mother to let her stay the night in my house but she
didn't cause she got in a sort of argument with her, I hoped it would rain
heavily and then ask her mother to stay, but the weather was pretty much
clear, so she didn't, she left around 3 a.m. I wish she could just stay at my
house just because she feels like it, without asking anyone for permission.
But she can't. She's going to Jerusalem tomorrow for three days, and I
probably won't see her till Friday.
I'm thinking of writing a story, in English, or a book, but it'll probably
pass.
Time seems to be fixed lately, it moves forward but I'm not really going
anywhere, everything stays the same.
I think about Shawn sometimes, she still doesn't know that I have a girlfriend
now, I'm waiting for her to call me, and then I'll have a serious talk with
her and tell her. And if she doesn't call, fuck her, I don't care.
I sometimes wonder what I'd do if she wanted me, and I got to the conclusion
that I don't know, so I let it go, knowing it won't happen.
I wonder what would happen if another girl besides Eva ever wanted me, but
I'm also sure that won't happen, so I let myself enjoy what I have now, before
that too goes away, and it will, it always does.
It's nice to know that there are lips in this world you can kiss, and someone
to touch and feel, someone who wants to touch you, kiss you, and loves it
when you kiss him and touch him.
It's the best feeling in the world.
It seems like I have problems of thinking lately, makes my logs shorter.
Eva wants to see my November log, I can't show it too her, if I do it
means I have to erase all of my logs, cause they can no longer be trusted,
they are no longer personal feelings but feelings that were made to please the
reader of my entries, something I cannot let happen.
Well this log isn't getting anywhere so I'll finish here, signing off.
END OF LOG



Monday. January 22^nd, 1996
1:56 a.m.

Dear log,
it seems like I don't write much these past days, huh?
Oh, well, there is some things to tell though.
Today Eva came to me, for some unknown reason she is very attracted to me,
we have an appointment with her doctor next Sunday, in order for her to get
pills. Maybe it's not a good idea to have sex with her, but I can't control
myself when I'm with her, it's fucking unbelievable, I lose all control over
myself. Today she told me she wants to know how it feels when I'm inside her,
that can drive you mad!
It doesn't mean that it's all roses, we have our disagreements here and there,
I just can't stand it when she touches someone else but me.
Last Friday we went to the movie "Seven" (nice movie) during the intermission
she went to one of my friends and passed chills in his body cause every time she did it he
folds, she didn't pay any attention to me, so I took another seat to sit
further away from her, that made her mad. I hate it when she does it, I just
hate it, I know she'll hate it if I do it to Rona, so why does she do it to
me? She said she was sorry, and that she won't do it again, but she will, I
know she will. We made up though, we always do. Sometimes I don't know who's
in control, me or her. I guess it's her, even though I should have some
control over her. I want her to sleep over at my place the first time we sleep
together, but I doubt it'll happen, I hope it does though. Today was the first
time she came before I did, it was on a position when she was on top of me,
hopefully we'll find that position again next time. (I hope nobody but me will
ever read this log, cause it's getting really perverted, soon it'll have sex
stories inside).
The daughter of my father's wife sent a letter to some local teen newspaper
stating I want to contact girls, she thought it'll be funny, so far I got 13
letters (my lucky number), Eva was amused at first but then I started
scaring her that I might answer some of the letters, that she didn't like
(even though I will answer at least two, and Nilo will answer some too).
Sometimes she feels I'll leave her, and sometimes I feel she'll leave me.
We'll wait and see. We chose our song, it's Enya's "Caribbean Blue".
What else? Shawn didn't call for a long time (almost a month), my guess is I
won't hear from her for a long long time, sometimes I wonder what goes on with
her, if she has a boyfriend, if she thinks of me, what does she think of me.
I wonder if she saw that add in the teen paper, and if she did, what does she
think of me. I bet she'll be shocked if I told her I had a girlfriend for over
two months now. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we kissed, would I
feel anything would she? But I guess that's something that's never going to
happen. I'm going to the army soon, it's coming soon, then I die. Eva
claims she'll kill herself if I do, I don't believe it, she's too happy to do
it. I'll die, and she'll find someone a lot better than me, I don't know what
she sees in me anyway. I know that sooner or later I'll annoy her, and then
she'll leave me.
My life seems so linear now, nothing new, no surprises, like it's going to
stay like this forever, and if it will I probably won't write in you, since
it's all the same, nothing new. It seems like it'll never change, I mean,
let's face it, it didn't change in the past month, it was the same, that's
why I didn't write, there was nothing new to write, it's all the same.
Perhaps I should finish you here, until I need you again. I mean you were only
created to check the past and the future, and the future doesn't seem to be
any different than the present so why go on if it's exactly the same?
I guess I'll have to return to you when I break up with Eva, or if some
other drastic things happen, so I guess I'll be writing less and less in the
future, unless I'll have something new to write about.
One thing I forgot to tell, Saturday, after being at my dad's I went to
Eva, we talked about catastrophic Saturday, and I expressed my feelings
about some things and she did it to, it wouldn't have been important but I
cried a bit then, it was dark and Eva didn't see it, and if she did she
probably thought it was the contact lens, cause they make me cry.
So actually I don't know if it was the contact lens or her that made me cry.
What I do know that crying means one of two things, either I'm reborn and
alive again, or that I have to die now, I believe the second one. So I have to
die, and I will, soon, I'll get drafted and I'll "accidentally" shoot myself in
the head, bummer.
Eva hates it when I talk about my death like that, like it's going to a
store to buy a newspaper.
Anyway it's late and I'd better sleep a bit, I guess it'll be February next
time I write, so until the next log I leave you, who knows, I might never
return.
But I probably will won't I?
Something is bound to happen, something bad probably.
END OF LOG



Tuesday, January 30^th, 1996
13:35 (1:35 PM)

Dear log,
again a break, and here I am again.
I skipped school today, I had a Math test and I didn't want to ruin my average
so I didn't do it. I'm depressed, and I don't even know why.
I feel alone, so alone, like there's nobody out there.
Nilo has a new girlfriend, she's sweet, they became an
item on a friend's birthday party which took place last week. At first he thought
it would be a bad idea to be her boyfriend because she's not his type, but
later on they went away for a talk, he discovered she's special, they kissed
(twice, how cute) and now they are officially boy/girl-friend for 3 or 4 days
(actually 3 cause it happened after midnight).
Me? I went with Eva to the hospital in order to get pills, it turns out
that we have to wait for another month and a half before we can start having
sex. The idea of having sex frightens me, with my luck something bad is bound
to happen. I'm scared, I bet she'll get pregnant, I don't need that.
Everything was so simple once, and now it's starting to get complicated.
She didn't call me yesterday, probably because she was tired, I really wanted
to talk to her.
She referred to my 3D animation as a game, just like my mom. I explained to
her that she'd better not call it a game, cause if this game is over, my life
is over with it. It's true you know, I never thought about it that way before,
but if I fail in life as a computer animator, I'll have to kill myself.
What good is a life there's no chance to enjoy is? I'd rather die.
Sure, I'm not enjoying myself now, but the army is the real challenge, I
don't think I'll be able to survive that, add the fact I'll have a gun, and
there is almost no way I'll survive it.
END OF LOG