Wednesday, January 1st, 1997
20:10 (8:10 PM)
Dear log,
HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR!
Hello!
Long time no see...
I kind of misplaced you for the last, how long was it...
7 months...
Wow... that's a long time...
I looked at the last log from May...
wanna know what happened at my birthday? Let me tell you...
Eva didn't stay over (how unpredictable) she wanted to come at my birthday
and stay a bit, but I didn't want that.
When I woke up I told my mom I don't want to get any calls and to tell all
that I'm still asleep...
She of course didn't listen and told the first phone that I'm eating and I'll
be able to answer calls in 10 min.
I of course didn't want this shit, so I left the house.
I walked all the way to Eva's new house (where she now lives) I saw them
coming, oh yeah, I called her before coming, and told her not to come over
in the afternoon since I won't be home, I didn't want to see anyone or hear
anyone (especially people with "Happy Birthday's" to give me).
I walked in Eva's street, I met Charley (that had his birthday only a week
before mine), and then I saw a school buddy through the window of his house, I went over
and stayed for a while...
He didn't know it was my B-Day, so I didn't tell him...
I then walked to Carmel Center by foot, I told my buddy I'll go to a movie in the
cinema with him, but he didn't show up (probably cause I didn't call him)
it wasn't such a good movie anyway.
I was hungry, and only had about 5$, I planned to see a movie, so I bought
myself a B-Day meal in 1 dollar, which included a snack and mineral water, I
ate drank and went into Panorama towers. I did a bit of exploring there (on
the roof) till some guards told me to leave, I then saw the movie "Copycat"'
good film actually. After that I took a bus home, and came home around 00:30
after 18 birthday was over.
Then I found out Eva was at my house, and left about an hour before I came
home, I was mad at her for coming when I told her not to.
End Line: 18 Birthday was crap.
Conclusion: 18 year will suck, and so the prophecy comes true!
that was a fucking 6 months ago.
God damn it!
What am I still doing alive after 18 years and a half.
I should have shot myself a long time ago, fuck it, I even have a stinking
rifle, courtesy of our great fucked up army, to help me.
The only thing preventing me from doing it is Eva, but she's getting
drafted at February 17, and around March, BLAM!
I AM FUCKING DEAD!
I can't wait that long.
It's driving me crazy, all day long, all the time, I just want to end it, end
my stinking miserable life.
Think of this log perhaps also as my death letter.
Perhaps after I die people will find this log, and maybe some good will come
of my death, or perhaps I'll just be another fucking name on a stinking list.
God I hate my life, and now more than ever!
If once it was school, I now found the only thing worse.
THE ARMY!
At least in school I was using my brain, I don't do that anymore.
I can't fucking concentrate on a stinking book, or in a god damn crossword
puzzle. I just can't.
Ken my friend from a long time, came to visit Israel, saw him last week when
I stayed a week at home for breaking my leg slightly cause of those damn
FUCKING ARMY shoes. God, I've never felt like such a low life in my entire
life, I feel like nothing like zero, like the world can definitely do without
me, and you bet your ass I don't need this stinking life.
Already twice my weapon was pointed at me with a bullet inside it, all I
needed to do was pull the trigger.
At the first time, I was in despair and when I was going to give up, they told
me I as going home, so the chance was lost.
That was 3 months ago, the second time was last Sunday, the bullet even got
stuck in my fucking rusty weapon, with my luck it won't even shoot, when I
fire. What kept me alive the second time were 2 things.
1) The fact nobody stopped me means I can die and no one can do anything about
it but fucking me.
2) I am not leaving before I tell someone, even you about that hell called
the army, in this so called "democratic" country.
And so the tale will be told very very soon, maybe not today, but soon.
Cause the sooner I die the better.
I can't stay here any longer.
For your information, I went to the army shrink so I won't go to any hard
places in the army, also in the beginning
I made a big fuss about killing myself, (which is a big no-no at the army,
cause killing myself is damaging army property, you get it? I'm compared to
a fucking table or a carpet, property, not a human life for Christ sake..
As you can see my talk has become worse) finally after that was over I was
sent to be close to home, as a clerk.
I now spend my entire day writing things in WORD and EXCEL, and u know best
how I hate Windows especially on a very slow 386SX machine.
My life sux, it was never so bad, I mean, I really want to go to school now,
I'd do anything to learn to study, math, especially math, logic..
SOMETHING WITH LOGIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need logic, logic puzzles logic conclusions, just logic!
God help me I'm losing my mind!
I am going crazy and I can fucking feel it, I feel my sanity escaping me, I
feel my mind is leaving me, and I can't do a damn thing about it, except blow
it up!
Those long never ending days, which start early in the morning and end at the
evening or the day after's evening. I can't stand it anymore.
I need to learn to study, to do something in my life!
Not just sit like a dork, and print letters and mail, and photocopy, and
guard a base where nothing ever happened and nothing ever will!
This is insane, I am serving an insane country with an even more inane army.
Gob said he'll probably kill himself at the army, I believe him, and I
believe I'll follow.
I will tell you more about the army, you can bet your ass about that.
All about my point of army view, the prison of citizens, the death of life and
freedom and 3 years of hell, with the most insane rules the twisted human
brain can think off.
You want to know why there is no motivation to serve our "beloved" army?
Keep reading my log, you'll see that your conclusions were right but mine are
even better as they explain the entire picture. It's education all right, but
take a look at your precious army, it isn't such a great place either.
But you prefer to ignore the more painful solution, the army, and rather
concentrate on the youth, they are not the ones to blame, your army doesn't
belong here in the nineteen nineties, it belongs to his own time, the time it
was created the fucking 50's and 60's, I'll even throw in the 70's as a maybe.
But not in the 90's, the army is too old fashioned now, it needs a desperate
makeover, a makeover that would make him better and more efficient, but
that takes a lot of work and money so you prefer not to look at it, and leave
it the way it is, how many people will have to die, and run away from that
hell until you understand that this problem has two sides and cannot be solved
from only one side. You want to know education's fault in the lack of
motivation? Let me tell you all about it.
12th grade, the last grade of school, all pupils must learn about our great
nation in civil classes, we learn there about the wonderful democracy we live
in, and after being tested on it, we are suddenly deprived of such a democracy
and it's not just brutally taken from us, but almost all our rights are taken
with it, our right to freedom of speech, the freedom to do anything you want
and find a job that suits you best, the freedom of looking the way you want to
look, the freedom to live, our right to even talk to the only one who might
be able to protect us, the press.
We are totally screwed!
I could forget about it if it was perhaps for a year, or voluntary.
But the situation described above are against the rules of freedom of the man.
Also meaning, that rules made by our own country do not apply to soldiers,
also meaning that the soldiers are not human beings, so I ask you this:
WHAT THE HELL ARE WE THEN IF NOT HUMAN BEINGS?!?!?
I'd like to know, cause I don't have a clue of what I am, I am defined as a
soldier yet I cannot feel like one, like a green machine, a green robot, and
yet I am not human and I am deprived of feeling like a human.
I don't have a clue of what I am and who I am.
And that's only a small fragment of why there is lack of motivation.
More will come don't you worry.
The only thing that keeps me going is my computer and my music, I'm buying
computer games and music CD's like crazy...
And perhaps I already lost my mind, I am walking like a zombie, I try to deny
myself of all feelings, love, hate, everything, I am not allowed to feel,
feelings may be the end of me, and I can't go without feelings, I break down
and cry a lot, other peoples problems and deaths make me cry, and I don't know
why, my end is so near I can taste it, and it's time I ate it.
But if I'm going down, MARK MY WORD! THE ARMY WON'T HEAR THE LAST OF ME!
My death and hopefully you my log, would hopefully open the eyes of this
fucking country, or is it just a wish, one day I make it to the middle page,
the next I find myself as nothing but a corpse which only few remember.
I'm probably just wishing someone would notice, well fuck you!
If you want to live with your dumb ignorance you do that!
I will be dead and I couldn't care less!
The only curse I put upon you is that you to should develop my feelings, the
feelings of being trapped with nothing you can do to either help yourselves
or others, especially others, whom you see disappearing, fading, and dying,
while you helplessly watch, knowing that if only you weren't forced to such a
life, maybe you could make a difference, my only wish is to help a person,
just one last person find himself, help them exist, for me, instead of me.
But I'm stuck in base all day, I can't even find that.
One last thing to tell you now that I didn't say yet and I still want to tell
today...
Two weeks ago, I was listening to the radio during guarding duty (yes I hear
a radio, fuck you all, I'm dead now and you can't do a fucking thing), I heard
a horrible story on that Tuesday night about this girl who identified herself
as Michal (but is really called Carmit, after someone let it slip up), this
girl has been through hell, and a forced gang rape, she told us that her
friend who was raped with her never got over that incident and is still in
psychiatric help. The radio show ran out of time and so they had to cut her
off, the radio man (forgot the name of the profession now) called Yovav, asked
her to call next week, I didn't hear next week's show, but I heard it
yesterday, she must have not called last week, but this week, and told that
during those 2 weeks someone called and offered help, she trusted him, and
moved in with him, she went to bed with him (mind you she's only 16, she was
raped when she was 14), and after that he started beating her, she had marks
on her from the beating, after being at his place for a week and half she left
his house and talked on the radio show again.
Yovav tried to find her help to get into a boarding school by consulting a
friend of his, and the part with her ended.
I cried when I heard her story, and if she'll ever see this diary, by some
weird way, I'd like to apologize to her for not being able to help her when
she needed it so much. I hate myself for not being able to do anything,
nothing to help the girl, she went through too much too fast.
I'll forever hate myself and hate myself more for not being there for someone
who needed help, and all she got is a fucking ass of a man who made her
situation worse. If god can hear me see me read me or anything, help that girl
please. Carmit, I'm sorry I'm a loser, perhaps if things were different I
could have helped, but that's all in the past now.
Perhaps if by freak accident I'll stay alive to be successful at work, I could
help future people in need and somehow brighten their days.
The guy who took her in only wanted to use her, it is obvious, I hate this
world and the people in it for being so cold hearted mean and apathetic.
If I could curse each and every one of them I'd give them each a portion of
my feelings, the hatred of myself, the need to help rather than take advantage
to be there rather than turn away.
I will never forgive myself for not being able to help, never.
Perhaps my death wish could possibly come true when I pass to the next world.
I'll have to talk to god about that.
Well, it's been fun typing in you again. Hopefully time will pass faster now
that I've found your missing files.
And hopefully my life will pass faster now that I have found you.
END OF LOG.