Wednesday, January 20th
1999Dear log,
Here I am again. It's been a long time since I wrote something I know…
almost 6 months. But somehow I feel it does not matter to anyone. I checked
the counter again…I think someone might have dropped by. I checked my E-mail
and it was empty, so maybe they got here by accident and kept going.
Somehow I feel this is the safest place to store my thoughts. No one
will ever come here.
So here I am again. And I am doing worst than ever. I feel my life
has come to an end. There is no will in me to continue, and nothing but
despair lies ahead.
Where did we leave off?
A bad relationship, a nude photo of someone I should forget and put
behind.
It's been a bad year, and this new one seems worse. I had to know you
see… I had to know what happened to her…
Ever since I got that nude photo, my mind was racing… I couldn't get
her out of my head. Just like 4 years ago. Nothing could be done. But I
wasn't even talking to her. I cut her off. Last time I saw her was around
a year and a half ago. And when she left I told myself never to call her
again that I must let her go once and for all. Because you see, I never
did let her go, even when I found someone else, a part of me still craved
to be with her. And I needed to kill that part. But a year and a half later
and still I am thinking of her like mad.
My life was suddenly starting to improve. I got promoted at my job
with a 33% raise in my pay, I got a company car and a company cell phone…
I started learning 3D Computer Animation at some small place in my country,
and it seems like I was starting to somewhere, it felt like finally things
were coming into place. And I needed one thing to complete it all. Shawn.
I don't know why I thought about her so much. Maybe because my current
girlfriend did not take interest in my life, maybe because I still felt
alone, maybe because I wanted the past so badly and since I hadn't talked
to Shawn in a year and a half she remained unchanged in my head…
I had to know what was going on with her, I simply had to. But I couldn’t
just call her up out of the blue. I needed to go in with a bang…
And so I decided to give her something only I can give.
As I said, I am dealing a lot with music, I feel I can find any song
out there, or at least almost any song out there. I decided to get Shawn
a couple of the rarest CD's of her favorite band. It cost me a lot of money
and time, but I did it, I got them. I wrote her a very sentimental letter
and one early morning I did it.
I added another mistake to the many I have done before.
I simply had to know. Curiosity killed the cat.
She replied. She replied by E-mail. And she told me she had a boyfriend.
It seems like my entire world crumbled again after those words were
read…
Suddenly everything went bad. I discovered the 3D animation course
would probably end up as a total waste of time because it is underdeveloped
at my country, the raise from my job also snapped back, since I was working
more hours and getting more frustrated, and now…now I have this feeling
of impending doom.
Naturally I told my girlfriend…let's call her Eva…since she was my
first….and we split up.
I tried to see if maybe me and Eva can get back together, if there
is a way Eva can make me totally put Shawn behind me. But there was none.
I don't know why. Why do I still think of Shawn so much. Why can't
I move on. Maybe it's because I felt Shawn listened to me even when I blabbered
total crap. I take a look around and I see there is no one out there listening
to me.
Maybe that's why I am writing this log, because I just feel no one
listens anymore. I talk to people, but they pay no attention, they just
hear me they don't listen.
Maybe all I want is for SOMEONE ANYONE! To take an interest in my LIFE!
God damn it, my entire life no one cared what I do. No one takes interest.
I am considered some what a computer geek. No one ever took the time to
see what it is I do on my machine. The worlds I create, the music, the
sounds, the environment, ANYTHING.
Shawn took a little interest, she didn't tell me to turn that damned
machine off… maybe that’s why she is so much stuck in my mind.
Today I signed my death penalty.
My job offered me MCSE training. And I am accepting it… I'll be buried
in my job for the next 2 years probably, I'll never be able to find work
in the computer animation department. And I will never be able to leave
this country.
I wish for death to come and take away my misery.
But it seems death is enjoying the show.
The radio in my car broke down. And since I am a music lover I created
a song by myself. With original music and words.
It's even very easy to catch it. I have no way of playing it since
I don't play any musical instrument whatsoever.
It's a shame I think… it could be a minor hit…
I suddenly fear on putting more information about this song here. I
am suddenly afraid it might be stolen…or recognized by the few I told about
this song.
I’ll just state it's name that should be enough…"This sick obsession
over you"
This title will die with me probably.
So now what?
Where do I go?
What do I do?
I'm all alone again, probably because I wanted it so. I got rid of
all my friends. No one calls anymore, I am no longer important.
I stay home each day, I don't go out. Eating for me is because I have
to.
I don't live, I simply exist.
I don't have a life, just an existence on the planet.
An existence I wish so much to end.
I used to believe long time ago that there is someone out there for
me, now that I found her and she doesn't want me, I know there is no one
else out there anymore.
It's funny, I dreamt about her after sending the letter, in fact I
had two dreams about her, in both of them she didn't want me. You'd think
I could get the hint and move on.
I dreamt of her again tonight…I had a weird dream…but she was there…
It's stupid, maybe if I met her again and talked to her for a long
time, I might find out she isn't the person I want to be with anymore,
cause the God damned army changed her too….
Maybe the only reason I love her is the fact I made a perfect image
of her in my head and now I can't let go.
And maybe I do really love her.
And maybe I'll never be able to let go.
The question remains, why am I still looking for music she likes, and
especially her favorite band?
I don’t know anymore…
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to go on.
I don't know how much more I can take.
I don't know how much more I have left to take.
But I know I am reaching my limit.
And I know I have to leave this place.
One way or the other.
END OF LOG
Thursday, January 21st 1999
2:59 am
Dear log,
So here I am again, late at night and no where to go. I went to a movie
today "Enemy Of The State", nice film. Went all alone. Thought it would
help me get away from it all for a while… I was wrong though.
It made me feel alone and empty again.
Idiots at several music companies removed www.lyrics.ch
a site with MANY MANY lyrics on it. I damned loved that place. It seems
everything I love is going away. They said it hurts the music industry…
only they know how since all the links from that site lead to buying the
CD's… makes me furious…
But as usual, there is nothing I can do.
I didn't go to work today, I was supposed to study my programs and
how they work, but I ended up sleeping half the day and doing nothing…
I am too depressed…
I can't learn… I can’t think…
What the hell am I supposed to do…?
Could this world please stop rotating for a while? Please? Can time
please be halted? Everything is moving on, and I'm falling back… I can't
catch up… I'm too down… I've sunk to deep…
I am drowning.
I seek understanding, I seek patience, I seek someone who will be there
for me…always…
That's all………
And maybe I seek too much…
I'll update my damned page later… the link doesn't work anyway.
Maybe I'll update it once a month only, it'll be easier to maintain
that way, and it's not like I will have any complaints, since no one ever
came in to read my shit anyway.
Maybe…
END OF LOG
Friday, January 22nd 1999
00:50 am
Dear log,
It seems as if I had a visitor… I decided to write down the counter
each time I make a change, last number I wrote was 99.. today I go into
my homepage and I see the number is 101… 1 too many… who are you? How did
you find me? Or perhaps this is just some bug in the counter or a failure
on my part to connect to the site which however made the counter tick one…
I don't know, I have little experience in this crap.
It's been one of those depressing days again. In which nothing happens.
And I have too much time to think. I spent most of it driving… stupid…
I get 6$ an hour to drive a fucking vehicle instead of doing my job…
And now I have to stay there for 2 more years…
God damn it.
I'm alone again.
Truly alone.
I can go on like this.
But should I?
Will I really be able to let go if I don't have any friends around?
Should I try and get back in the old gang?
I feel I'll depress them all, I don't see myself as a fun guy anymore…
I dunno…
I'm feeling maybe I should call my friend Rona, she might help a bit…
I dunno…
I don't fucking know…
I'll call her. Tomorrow. If I don't crash into the bed as usual. If
she will be busy or have other plans, and not give me the time I need.
Then FUCK IT. I'll do my best to end it.
And I'll make it.
Eventually.
END OF LOG
Sunday, January 24th 1999
3:32 am
Dear log,
3 am again, and I should be asleep. But instead I'm writing in you
again. It's been a pretty sucky weekend. I woke up too late in the morning
to go to my class about 3D animation. I was so fucking pissed… and depressed.
I hate it when stuff like that happens. I can never do anything right.
I called up my friend Rona, I drove her home from the place where she stays
while she learn… the dorms I guess I should call it. Even she is in the
verge of finding a boyfriend. I suddenly felt more alone.
We talked, I also met her that night, and we went out to eat. Even
though I'm not filled with cash right now due to some high phone bills.
But hopefully I'll be able to save a bit now that I got a raise.
After spending some time she dragged me to one of their "social meetings"
I haven't been on one of those for a year I think… I didn't like it that
much either, since I had to play the fun happy guy again… and hide my sorrow…
I feel two faced in cases like these…
Later one of the gang (Lucy) came over to my place to play and record
a bit of music…she stayed at my place till 5:30 am… I was dead tired and
then I had to drive her and Rona home. I fell asleep when I got back. I
was so tired I didn't go to my dad's place. I woke up at 17:00 (5pm). I
was so sad again…
A while later I called Rona again, this time they were going to Burger
King, I met them there, then we went to Lucy's house, we stayed there for
a few hours and left again. I felt empty again. But I presume it is better
than staying at home…or is it?
Another day wasted.
I am now sure there is some kind of visitor in my site. Either that
or my counter is counting the bot that puts the adds. Or maybe each time
I put an update the counter goes up one. I don't know. Who ever the person
is, he or she leaves no e-mail or note, so it might all be paranoia that
a person is actually reading this… I wonder if that person is finding this
load of rubbish interesting…
If yes, why?
Here I am, I can't find anyone to listen to my crap, so I spill it
on a fucking web page and posting it on a web page, hoping for some kind
of savior to come and tell me that she will be the one to listen, to take
me away from it all…
Saviors never come do they?
I don't think I am able to develop another relationship… I can't think
of a way. I'd kill it before it even starts. It's so easy to kill it… just
tell her my life story and she'll be running away screaming… either that
or she'll see me as a "challenge" like so many others did…
I think people are taking crusades on me… "I'll be the one that'll
make you happy and alive again…" and I go "wrong"…
I need to get rid of the 3 dot habit of mine, I end almost every fucking
line with 3 dots. Maybe it's cause I can't make up my mind…
I'm listening a lot to Tori Amos lately, she is very good, and perfect
for my depression, especially her song "China"… I recommend.
"Sometimes I feel like you want me to touch you, how can I when you
build the great wall around you"
Eva called my cell phone, at least I think it was her, I was listening
to music with my headphones, later I looked at my cell phone and saw her
number on it.
I didn't call back…
I know I must rid myself of her, if I call back I'll eventually end
up with her again. That cannot happen. We do not fit. I must move on. Somehow…
If only she took interest in the crap I do for a living, my hobbies,
my music…
Is there a girl out there that likes computers? That could stand my
gibberish? And if not, I'll settle for a girl with a big music obsession,
that would listen to anything and has a huge collection of CD's… the kind
of girl that can name almost every song on the radio…
ANY GIRL THAT HAS SOMETHING TO SHARE WITH ME!
Not just sex… not just sex…
After all my last relationship was all sex… I don't need sex… since
after sex that empty feeling returns again…
I wonder if it'll rain tomorrow…
I need to get some sleep…
To go to my empty bed again, and wish, and wish, that somewhere out
there, anywhere, I'll be able to find someone…
Illusions…. "it's just an illusion"…isn't it?
END OF LOG