July, 1st, 1995
22:26 (10:26 PM)
Dear log,
long time no write, but I'm back now. Much happened lately. I had a Math
final exam, I was at the army drafting center, and on vacation.
The first two are pretty much irrelevant since not much happened there.
I talked to Shawn while on vacation and wished her good luck on her final exam.
She probably aced it. It pretty much sucked on vacation, there were
lots of babes there and I always found myself thinking about Shawn. I thought
I was getting over her but I was wrong, I can't get over her.
I don't love her anymore, it's something beyond that, that few people
experience and even fewer achieve it, I am one of those who didn't achieve it.
I don't think she is even aware of the pain I'm in or how much I really love
her, it doesn't matter.
Conclusion:
My vacation was a total waste of my time, I could have done better things with
it.
I love her, I really do love her, my dream is to touch her hair, kiss her lips
and hold and never let go. I feel like shit right now, I came home and the
house was empty, but I didn't expect more from mom. I am now in total
desperation, Shawn wants to meet me this summer, I told her O.K. even though
every meeting with her devastates me, and leaves me depressed. One thing I did
decide from my vacation: to buy a Sade album, she is one hell of a singer.
On vacation I was also pretty much depressed, I have to understand that girls
just don't like me, hate me even, and that I'm ugly and disgusting.
I shall forever be lonely, and I'll even bet that MW doesn't even exist.
I wish to die...
On the drafting center I had this personal interview with dumb questions, one
of her questions was if I had ever really considered suicide. I answered
without thinking twice and without blinking an eye "no", a complete lie!
She asked me when was the last time I cried, I said a long time ago, and made
myself try to think back, and not remember, another lie. Half of what I told
her was a lie, so she won't see I'm completely crazy, she didn't.
In fact the army might just be my key to death, I wouldn't mind getting killed
or going on a suicide mission.
There was also a medical inspection there where this perverted doctor started
undressing me and touching my balls, that was disgusting!!!
Well that's it, I'll be meeting my friends tomorrow, that's good I'll have
some serious talking to do with Rona, I'll go play some games now and wait
till mom comes home.
END OF LOG
Saturday, July 15th, 1995
2:36 a.m.
Dear log,
once again I haven't written for a long time, I guess I find it pretty useless
I got my drafting date (the day I join the army) 28 July 1996. It's pretty
early and that's good since the faster I get there, the faster the chance I'll
die sooner, I don't expect to pass the army alive. Lin went to Germany and
she also came back already, she made some friends there, and most of the time
she had fun and enjoyed, I had some serious talking with Rona, she wanted me
to open up in front of her, and pour out my stories but I couldn't, she is
getting to close to me and that's bad cause I'm not going to be here for a
long time and she is going to get hurt. I didn't talk to Shawn since the day
before Lin went to Germany, she wants to meet me, and I know I'll be very
depressed after I meet her (as usual). Lately I have disconnected from the
world and sank into the wonders of my computer, I haven't really talked to
anyone for a long time now, and I didn't go out and have fun yesterday either,
I just sit in front of the computer exploring the features of my CD-ROM.
Rona and the gang went out last Friday, and I was not invited, I don't know
why and frankly, I don't care since I think it's better I didn't get too
close to them, for the first time since I got to know her I didn't ask her
(in a humorous way), why wasn't I there. I believe they also did something
today but I don't mind, I'd better stay alone for the next year and lose
contact with people, it'll be less hard that way when I die. I just can't
wait to join the army. I hope I get a dangerous mission fast. I keep thinking
about Shawn, and my mistake, I love her so much and I don't even think she
believes me, I wonder if I'll delete these files when I'm in the army or
should I keep them here so some computer nerd might find them sometime in the
future.
I'm going to buy a CD-ROM game soon, so I won't need to get out of the house
much, and I'll be stuck behind the monitor.
I think I have a date tomorrow, with Mena, but I'm not quite sure, she's a
nice girl I met at a party a few months ago, she's O.K. I guess (even
though she doesn't fit the MW category) I won't be able to be her boyfriend
though, I just hope she doesn't want a relationship with me, I'll have to tell
her about Shawn, and I'm not to fond of that story. I still have to tell it
to you, don't I? Perhaps after I finish my new game.
I feel unloved, hated by people, I wish to die, I wish I had a gun so I could
blow my brains out, life stinks and I hate it. I don't think that there is
anyone in this world who can truly love me. I would do society a big favor
by killing myself.
It's almost 3 a.m. I'd better get to bed soon, I have to go to dad tomorrow.
I'll write again eventually.
END OF LOG
Wednesday, July 19th, 1995
23:55 (11:55 PM)
Dear log,
I went to the movie "Natural Born Killers" yesterday with Thema. Since I
destroyed my last log I'll inform you that I think she wanted to hit on me,
she invited me to go to a movie with her sometime around her birthday (I think
it was March), I was sick at the intended day and didn't ask for a rain check.
(REALLY big part cut out - reveals too much)
Currently I am very depressed, I keep thinking of Shawn, my love for her is
not weakening but growing stronger as each day passes.
Shawn, I love you so much, I wish I could stop but I can't, I beg your
forgiveness, please, don't hate me..
I called her on Saturday evening, the pain just grew harder, it was a dumb
idea to call, she keeps telling me about all those cute boys she sees at her
job, how pretty they are, how nice. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm no handsome
muscular guy, with an IQ of 1000. I don't know if she's aware of what she's
doing, if she's doing this to tell me we shall never be together cause before
what I did on that day she never mentioned other boys. I'll fix it though,
I'll fix everything, just one year left and I'll be out of the way of
everyone, I'll be drafted and I'll die while doing some stupid heroic action.
I mean the chances of me running into danger in the army are quite big, and
in case we'll lose I'll just stay behind while the rest of the group escapes.
They'll say good things about me (like I care) and everyone will be happy
cause I will no longer be bothering them.
Shawn called me yesterday while I was at the movie, I thank God I wasn't home,
I get really depressed after she calls. Why does she bother talking to me and
keeping in touch, I find it hard to believe she's really doing this cause she
wants to, I think it's more of a favor to me, and I don't want it, I'm just
making her life miserable. I believe I should tell you what happened. I guess
I'm just lazy. Mom just came better hang up.
END OF LOG
SUPPLEMENTAL:
It is now Thursday, July 20th, 1995
1:08 a.m.
(Part cut out - too revealing)
I have only one question, WHY DOESN'T DEATH TAKE VOLUNTEERS?!! WHY?!!!
They want to kill someone? kill me! I'm available!!!
Damn it, where is the justice in this world?!
I'm preparing fries right now, I'd better go eat, I'll be back soon...
1:32 a.m.
I'm back... I'm working now, I have a job where my mom works, it's pretty
boring, I didn't talk to Rona for a long time, I guess it's O.K.
We're losing contact and that's good, I'll miss not having someone to talk to
but at least she won't get too close to me.
I keep thinking of Shawn, I can't stop, just one more year.
I talked to Ken today, I'm his only friend here, I want to meet him cause
last time he was here (in my house) I was on my computer
constantly, I was just trying to forget, but I can't.
I have reached the conclusion that MW does not exist, I won't fall in love
with another girl for a long long time, that's for sure, and since Shawn will
never be my girlfriend, I might as well forget it, I will not have another
girl to replace her. I want to see Ricki again, she said depression will pass
after 2 months, well it's been 2 months and I am totally depressed, and it's
getting worse and not better. I want her to tell me some of the bad things
that will happen to me in my life (those that haven't happened yet) I really
want to turn over the card with the skeleton on it, that will mean I'll die
soon.
END OF LOG
Monday, July 24th, 1995
1:20 a.m.
Dear log,
I went to a movie today with Lin, "Stargate", nice film. She gave me a
present which she bought in Germany. It's a cute cat to keep money in, that
was sweet. While I was in the movie, Shawn called. Why does she bother talking
to me? I guess I'll have to call her back tomorrow.
I have to go to a movie with Mena tomorrow, I guess I'll call Shawn when I
return. What am I going to do about Mena? It seems to me that she has the
impression that I want to be her boyfriend, I'm friendly to everyone, I don't
want to hurt her, I hope she won't get hurt.
I don't believe in MW anymore, I am not going to ask another girl to become
my
girlfriend, and I'm pretty sure no girl will ask me to be her boyfriend, thus
leaving me in the same state. I know Shawn isn't MW, it won't make sense if
she is. I'm not going to be her boyfriend even if she does change her mind.
I think she can do better than me, I'll make her life miserable, I think it'll
be better for her that I won't be her boyfriend. I mean, she was right when
she said "no", what was I thinking of, she deserves someone good, someone who
would love her as much as I do, but who would also be smart, kind, pretty and
perfect, just like her. I also promised Mena to meet her on Thursday, she
wants me to teach her about songs or something, I'll do my best.
Frankly, I don't think there is any girl who should stoop so low as to date
me (I mean that every girl can do better than me).
I also have an appointment with Ricki soon, on Wednesday, I wonder what she'll
say now.
One of the things she said last time came true, she said I'll get drafted to
the army pretty quickly, I'll have a chance to postpone it but I won't.
I get drafted on the 28th of July 1996, I got a letter which would have
postponed my being drafted in eight months, but it involved learning
so I didn't accept it.
So that's all for now, I'd better go to sleep now, I have a job you know...
I see myself, I'm standing in a desert, it's dark, the sky is cloudy, you
can't see the sun, lightning flashes, it hits me, I have electricity running
through my body all over me, I scream, part pain part pleasure part happiness.
And then I explode, like glass shattering to pieces.
I think the electric chair is the coolest way to die. But beggars can't be
choosey...
END OF LOG
Thursday, July 27th, 1995
1:38 a.m.
Dear log,
I'll try to keep it brief since it's late and I have to get up early today.
Remember last log? (look up). Well, the unbelievable has happened in less than
a day. If I'm not mistaking there is a girl that works with me that would like
to have a relationship with me, her name is Gaia.
The past two days have been extremely weird. Yesterday another girl from my
work called to the phone at my office telling me that Gaia thinks I'm cute
and that I should like hit on her, since me and girls have not been doing very
good in the past 17 years I don't think I paid any real attention to the
message, I talked to the girl that called later on and got to the
conclusion that she is playing a joke on me. Today I was supposed to tell her
that I'm not going to play along, when she came to my office and brought
Gaia with her. She said so many humiliating and embarrassing things in front
of her and me that unless Gaia is playing along (which I don't believe) she
really does like me.
Like I told the girl on the phone, this has never happened to me before.
In other words I'm in a complete dilemma about what to do now.
I still think of Shawn a lot, I know I'll feel really bad about myself if I
started going out with Gaia. I don't know if Shawn would like that or feel
hurt, I'm not in the mood of hurting people.
The other problem is Mena, I guess I'll have to tell her sooner or later that
we'll have to stay in a friends only status.
THIS SUCKS!!! I don't get it, I am not the fucking heartbreaker type, for 17
years I tried to find someone and failed and suddenly now, when I've
completely given up, I start getting attention.
I bet someone is up there laughing as usual. Something funny always happens
to me and girls, there is always something that's an obstacle in me finding
a
girl. I gave up actually doing something about it after Shawn, I just figured
that since I didn't have any luck till now, I probably won't have luck later
on. Then Mena came along, but I didn't take it seriously since she was probably
just looking for companionship rather than the real thing (something like me
and my former girlfriend, which means it'll never work) so I figured that if
something did happen there won't be a problem on saying no.
But with Gaia it's different, I don't know how but it is, I mean, she told
that girl from work that she thinks I'm cute, and she wanted to keep in touch
after we
finish working, if it wasn't for that girl from work I guess this wouldn't have
happened
since I definitely would not have said anything.
Since things got really complicated today I was happy that I was going to
meet Ricki (the fortune teller) I thought she would have some answers, but
she didn't exactly have them, she saw most of my inner feelings and I think
she ignored a few since she couldn't believe what she saw (at one point of the
session she asked me if I like suffering so much since I seem to do that a
lot). She said she saw 2 girls at the moment which are interested (I can only
assume it's Mena and Gaia, she said one really likes me she's cute, gentle
and sweet while the other won't care either way and is kind of rude (she said
she can't quite describe it)). She said that if I acted now, something might
come out of it, sounds great? the problem is Gaia doesn't match the MW
description, she misses it by a long shot, her eyes are brown, her hair is
black, and she ain't chubby. I told Ricki that I was hurt by a previous girl
which I have a hard time forgetting, and she said I had to move on.
To forget Shawn, I guess I was right after all, MW does not exist...
She said a sentence that I won't forget for a while, she told me that I'm a
teenager, not an adult, I should stop looking at the future all the time,
and just have fun, enjoy it, she told me to call Gaia and do something,
cause with her I'll have fun.
I'm scared, I said I'll call her, I did call her, she wasn't home. We'll
probably go to a movie Friday night.
I don't know what to do, I am so scared...
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, should I keep on waiting with hope that
maybe one day Shawn will change her mind, or should I go out with Gaia
and risk never talking to Shawn again?
I wonder what Shawn will think about this, knowing me I'll be too scared to
tell her. I need to talk to someone but no one was home today, Lin was out,
Rona was at this camp, and I'm scared and confused.
I never believed a girl could even think about me being her boyfriend and
suddenly it happens. I ask the usual questions:
Why me? I keep thinking that once Gaia gets to know me better she'll run
for her life, after all, getting a guy with suicidal tendencies is not in a
girl's dream.
God, I wish I was dead, then I won't give anyone any problems.
I would mention more about Ricki but she didn't give me any information worth
telling, plus the fact she contradicted herself a lot, I guess she never saw
someone like me before.
Well I'll give you more details later on, hopefully this is some sick joke
and then no one would get hurt (besides me but I'm not important in this game)
END OF LOG
Friday, July 28th, 1995
14:23 (2:23 PM)
Dear log,
AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, I'm panicking, I don't know what to do (hold on while I check my last
entry), O.K.
Shawn called yesterday, she suddenly wants to meet me TWICE!!!
She wants me to come to her, and she wants to come over to me. WHY!!
She has a new computer now (a 90MHZ Pentium, but I love my DX-4 anyway)
and she also called me a short while ago to ask for help on some sound
problems on her SB16, of course I helped her (I am a computer freak so I know
almost all there is to know about troubleshooting problems). She said she'll
call again, she also said she'll call me from that base camp, WHY?!
I'm confused, I don't know what to do. Do I get involved in another
relationship or do I wait, how do I get out of this without anyone getting
hurt? So far I have a date with Gaia on Saturday, we're going to a movie
called "While You Were Sleeping" it's supposed to be good.
I'm scared, I'm really scared. This wasn't supposed to happen, not to me.
That Gaia has the worst taste in boys, and why me? I mean she's pretty
sweet, cute etc. she should have met someone by now, what does she see in me?
Rona finds this very amusing. I don't. I feel I'm trapped in a no win
situation, I wish I was dead, then I wouldn't have to go through this.
I don't know what to do. God help me.
END OF LOG
Saturday, July 29th, 1995
17:04 (5:04 PM)
Dear log,
my date with Gaia is due soon, I should be preparing for it but cu...
What I meant to say was that I was waiting for a call from Shawn, but at
that moment she called.
I told her that Barbarella will be coming up soon.
She said she'll call me from that base, I hope she doesn't.
I don't know what to do, I am now all prepared for my date and I feel like
a traitor. This isn't me, I never had to lie to anyone about going out till
now, I told Shawn I had to go, she asked me where, I said to the cinema.
I lied to her, but what was my other option? On a date?! If I would have said
that I was going to "While You Where Sleeping", she would have known that
there is something wrong. I don't want anyone to get hurt, how can I do that?
I can't go on like this, trying to cover it up so no one will know, sooner
or later one will find out about the other, and then I'll be a two-faced
bastard. I am not, I just want to make everyone happy, but I keep fucking
things up. I'm to scared to tell Shawn or Gaia about each other, I don't
want to hurt them. Gaia is sweet, why the hell does she want me, a complete
nothing? She will be much happier with someone else, not me, someone who won't
fuck up her life. On the other hand I recall saying that even if Shawn did
want to be my girlfriend I'll have to turn her down, cause she deserves better
so by going out with Gaia, I'm actually shoving Shawn to look for her man.
I wish all would just leave me alone, Gaia deserves better than me also.
I should be alone, dead, that way I won't be able to hurt anyone.
I have to go soon...
END OF LOG
Saturday, July 29th, 1995
23:24 (11:24 PM)
Dear log,
well, date's over, I was no charmer. In fact I hardly spoke, she kept talking,
just as well. So we saw the movie (nice film), I asked her on intermission if
she wanted some popcorn, since she said no, I didn't get any, just as well,
if she would have said "yes" I would have been stuck on what size to buy.
After the movie she immediately went home, I thought we'll hang around but we
didn't, so I guess it means she didn't have a good time right? Wrong!
She told me before leaving that she had a great time (all we did was watch a
film, I didn't make any moves or something), she said she was nervous, how
can anyone be nervous when they meet me?
Plus, I met Mena there, said hi, she probably wants an explanation as to how
come I had a date that evening while she went to a movie with her mom.
So, Gaia said she'll call me, what does she see in me? I don't get it!
I felt bad about what I was doing.
I shall also note here that Gaia is pretty weird, asking questions that you
usually don't ask until you've known a person for some quite time (she like
asked me if I believed in UFO's, I do, so I said I did, so she said she saw
a few once... O.K., even if she didn't she is entitled to an error, but today
she said that the lights on the ceiling of the cinema were a good resemblance
to UFO lights, that's something very odd to say to someone you barely know.
Last, she asked me if I believe in ghosts, and she told me she thought she saw
this small man once at her school. You usually don't say these things when
you're trying to impress someone. But I wouldn't know...)
I got to the conclusion that no one I know can currently help me, or
understand the situation I'm in.
Love, a word used many times, but rarely does the person saying actually feel
the emotion that the word tries to describe, even more rarely do two people
feel the same love for each other, or as I call it, true love.
I met my true love, she will forever stay in my heart, no matter what happens.
I don't believe there is a woman who will feel true love for me, and if she
existed I don't know how I'll handle the situation.
I wish I was dead, or perhaps had time to think about myself and what to do,
things are happening to fast around me and I can't adjust to it, I'm falling
behind.
I'm crazy, I'm going crazy, I don't know anymore.
IS THERE NO ONE WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ME AND HELP!!!
GOD!!! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!
END OF LOG.