Thursday, July 2^nd 1998

3:50 am

Here we are in month number two of my on line personal log/diary whatever…I actually think someone entered my site…though they probably didn't check out the log, I have 36 hits…it's probably all me…(me and my dumb corrections…)…

I was right about my ex staying Saturday in the army base…she came home today, tomorrow she has to return to the base and she'll be coming home at Sunday...she let's her parents decide too many things for her...I think....she wanted to meet, naturally, I didn't feel like leaving the house, I told her I'm staying home and that I don't have the car (which was also true), so she said she'll try to come over, but her parents also had to go…I told her either to get a ride with them when they leave and if not, I'll talk to her next week. She said she'll make them take her over, half an hour later her parents left and she stayed home (probably cause they didn't want to take her over to my place, I never did like her parents even though at first they did liked me…they keep on messing with her life like she's a 4 year old, they don't let her make her own decisions most of the time…for example, since she stayed over at my place Friday night, they had something rotten to say about that too…)

So naturally she stayed home, and did again, and we aren’t even together…telling me one thing and breaking it later…and I have to deal with it…it's a shame she didn't come over at the end, I had enough anger to end it, to tell her it's fucking over…

I was always second best…always…there was always something that kept her away from me, first her family, now the army….and after that probably back to family…

I won't lie, she wasn't my first either…my first is the machine in which I'm typing this damned log…my computer, the only little light in my otherwise dark existence…when I'm with my computer everything just fits in place…I know what I'm doing, I'm in control, I know what's wrong, if there is a problem I can solve it…I play my games and I relax…I don't know how I could live without it…I probably would have been dead already if it wasn't for my computer…

And so I invest money in it, to make it better, and better and better… anything that would make my existence here pass faster, crap I don't need, but if I use it it'll make another hour go away undetected…like the net I guess…

So my computer was my BEST friend, whenever I was down, sad, depressed, mad, or just plain bored…it was there for me, with a game, with a program, with something to make me forget, that would relax me, entertain me, and it can keep me entertained for hours and hours…I'll never be bored as long as I have it…

I couldn’t trust anyone like I trusted my computer, and so I didn’t, not even my ex…after more than a year of being together, we split…she found another boyfriend in less than a month after we separated, and then I wanted her back so badly I was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice…for me at least…

To make her more important than my computer, to make me more vulnerable…and I was…and I did…and the day she told me she'd rather spend another year in the army than be with me it felt like a knife in the back…I felt betrayed, hurt…

Maybe I'm exaggerating, but too me the army was my house of horrors, I left it after 7 months due to psychiatric reasons…and ever since it stayed as my mind as hell…I started growing a hate for it, not just our army, but all armies, the concept of an army…

After all, demons come from the army, the worst of man's crimes against himself came from the army…murder, rape, death, killing children, women, babies…brutally, no compassion, torture, hate…armies is hell…the worst of worst, ideas that even the devil himself did not think of rose from humans in the army…no other animal or life in the planet has our twisted logic and hate against each other…a beast isn't capable of doing the things people do…

And she wants to stay another year there…it drove me mad, I begged to stay, not to leave, I would do anything…but she left…kicked me in the face…stabbed me in the back…and left…

And I was falling, only one was there to stop my fall…or at least make the pain less horrid, make my time pass without all the pain…

My computer…

Always there…always has time for me…will never leave me…I will always be it's best since I own it…I made it…I built it…it IS mine…

So I don't trust her now, when she says she's sorry, I don't trust her when she says she won't do it again…

And I won't trust any other girl either…

Only a machine…I can only trust my machine…the pieces of ones and zero's that make the programs…the cards…

But not a human…never a human…the leave, they are never there, and you will never be their "best"…

I'll have to end it…she's making me feel bad again, hurt again…alone again…

And when I get that feeling…I buy something…another CD, or if it's really bad…like now…another computer device…

I'm starting to run out of ideas…

I don't know what to do with myself…I'm so sick and tired of my job, my life…I don't want to keep working, but there is nothing else I can do…I wish to go away, far far away…disappear…but it isn't much of an option…and so my meaningless existence continues…

I have to end this…I must end this…

END OF LOG

 

Sunday, 5^th of July 1998

2:44 am

I really should get some sleep…I am pretty tired, yet I find myself here again in the night, roaming the net, looking for something…and only God knows what.

I can keep this entry short since I didn't do anything since my last entry, I went to work, stayed home on Friday and surfed the net and played games at night…that pretty much sums up my weekend…

For a change, no one bothered calling on Friday to ask me out, I guess they just know that I won't come…it doesn't matter anyway I slept through most of Friday anyway, played games on Saturday and now I roam the net before I give up and go to bed…

I have to go to work tomorrow…

I don't want to…I am so sick of my job…enough is enough…

My ex should be getting back from the army tomorrow, I should end it tomorrow…I don't know if I have it in me…either I'll make a cut or I might find ourselves as lovers again… I want to…but I can’t trust her…so I must end it…

Knowing her she'll probably annoy me or piss me off one way or another and that should make it easier…she usually does…so it'll be easier to tell her to leave me alone…I think…

I gave up on my DVD dream…it'll probably be best to wait a bit…for prices to drop and for better models to appear…maybe I'll get more RAM…and maybe I'll just waste my cash on more CD's, after all I still have a few songs I don’t have…

My music has turned out to be an obsession…as big in proportions as my computer, I never listen to all the CD's I buy, but I guess I like the thought of being able to listen to them whenever I want…

I really don't have anything new to write here…I feel like a broken or scratched record, I keep on repeating myself…

I thought someone has entered my site but I believe I was wrong, I believe it was just me and my dumb reloading…no one will ever stumble on my page I think…chances of that are so small…after all there are billions of pages out there…why would anyone stumble here by accident?

Well, enough of this, I will make this entry short and go to bed…

END OF LOG

 

00:52 am

Well, here I am again…I’ll keep it short again cause I'm really tired…I'm so sick of everything, this entire life is so pointless…haven't heard from my ex, I wonder what happened to her small vacation that was supposed to be last Sunday…I hate it when I'm right sometimes…now I gotta wait till this weekend to tell her she has to go away and leave me alone…after all I am alone anyway…but I don't know how much power I'll have in the end…in the week end….

I had such a terrible time at work the past few days and it's getting worse…I can’t take it anymore, I want out…I want out of that damned place…I get home all tired, depressed, annoyed, angered…I just wish I had someone to hug me when I get back after days like these…someone who will be there…

So I settle for a machine, my computer…my only friend that's there for me when I need it…

I'm tired…too tired to keep on writing…I'll update that damned HTML tomorrow…

END OF LOG

2:07 am

I guess this time I have more to write…I am finally done working…weekend is finally here…yet it'll pass quickly…or slowly…and will be over soon.

So here I am again…my ex came back from the damned army this weekend too, she called me on Wednesday evening, I called back, she said she'll come over later, I told her "whatever" and around 10 p.m. she stopped by.

She left at 4:00 am…and I had to go to work less than 4 hours later…

We talked a lot, and wasted time a lot, in some point we wasted around a hour and a half solving some dumb riddle someone in the army told her, after I got the riddle (which she already solved in the army), she gave me another one she couldn’t solve yet…after a few tries and more time I had enough of damned riddles…

We talked a lot…we talked about her, how she left, how I blow up everything, how I exaggerate, how with me it just has to be all or nothing…

She wants to get back, but not in the same way I want…I was hurt…if I get back to her I'll keep getting hurt…in the minimum till she leaves the army, and in the maximum for the rest of my life…I asked her why I had to go through al this pain, what good is it if she can't promise me anything, what good is it if I get back home after a crap day at work and I'm still alone since my girlfriend is in some hell hole in God knows where…I'll be alone then, and I'm alone now, only if I am with her I'll have to have a weekend girlfriend, that's it…what good will it do if she won't stay with me in the end…

I plan to leave my country…it holds too much bad memories, too much pain, sorrow, hate…irrational and illogical behavior, people here are so impolite, aggressive, loud…I will not stay here, nothing will keep me in this country, I'd rather be dead than to keep on living here…

I'd just rather be dead…

She won't move with me, I don't think she'll even consider it, she is much too tied to her family, this country…

She wants me to compromise, I told her "no way", if she can leave and go pursue a path in her life, so can I, so maybe mine is bigger, harder, and will stay for life, but if she didn't hear me out when I begged her not to go, there is no reason for me to hear her now…

Nothing will keep me in my country, I will leave it…one way or another…

So why get back together when we shall part again in the future…

So we talked and talked, and I told her I want her to leave, for good…no more calls, meetings, nothing…only to live in my hollow existence till my day will come…

It's pretty much pathetic when you think of it, she can't just let me go, let me be, she love's me, yet she keeps on hurting me…the irony of it all…

She can't be without me, yet she knows she can't be with me…

I have no time for this crap…I told her we end it this weekend…

I am not going to continue the conversation once a week, we say what we have to say and make a decision, either she'll make me her number one priority even though I'm not going to make her mine…not after what she did…or we end it, cut it…no more calls, meetings…nothing…

In a way it's a no lose situation I think, if she stays and will come with me when I leave this place, I win, if she stays I get to say I was right not to trust her, her promises…and then I lose nothing, and if she leaves now, then I know I can never be her number one priority, that she will never give anything up for me…and won't consider it…before she just walked away on me there might have been room for compromising… now there is nothing.

She left me broken, shattered on the floor, I couldn't believe it…I was just after a period of taking anti depression drugs, I took them for a while, after around 6 months of not feeling a damned thing I was told to try and stop, so I stopped taking them, for the first few weeks I still felt nothing, my feelings of love, pain, grief have been blocked by the pills and I probably got used to it, and then one day I get informed by my ex that she is leaving for a course in the army, she's going to spend another year there, how I hate that place…the army…so cruel, evil…and there was no one to talk to, no compromises, no one to hear me out, no way of getting her to change her mind, and I was willing to do anything…anything…and after 6 months the first thing I felt after taking the drugs was pain…

A knife in the back, a person I trusted, a person I put at my first priority, I even put my computer, the only thing that caused me the least sorrow and the most pleasure aside for her…and I got pain instead…

When in pan you always go back to number two and apologize, so though I can't apologize to a machine for being less with it, or can the machine accept my apology, I invested enormous amounts of time in it, games, music…and bought more and more hardware…

For now I will never trust another human being, the computer is my number one, never a knife in the back, all my dears are backed up, and everything related to my computer is safe, and good…

If leaving me is easy…then coming back is harder….

And in my case, almost impossible…or should I say, impossible for her…

She will leave, I will make her…I had enough…I will be alone…it is my destiny…

It's Friday…the day most people go out and party…go out…find someone…lose someone…

For me, it's another great day on the net…as is any day…

Surfing while listening to more music…

This sucks…

My site is going on it's end of the first month soon…actually, no one ever dropped by…I think, if someone did he didn't leave much tracks or just didn't bother to return…

Why return to a dumb site like this anyway?….I don't know…

I don't know if I want people to get here or not either…no idea…

I'll probably close this site down eventually, or just leave it here to rot…without ever updating it…hell, no one cares anyway…

END OF LOG