Dear log,
A new month is here so I have created a new log now. I didn't write for the
past few days, I was pretty busy. Nilo solved his problem, he talked to Thema,
and she didn't want to be his girlfriend, after talking to Lin he cheered
up and told me that it's her loss, and he is going to continue with his life.
I wish I could feel that way, that it's Shawn's loss, but I think it's my
loss. I remember Shawn said that it's her loss, and that I shouldn't be sad
about it, I didn't believe her. Anyway, I think he's trying to have a
relationship with someone else now, good luck. Me? I'm feeling down and depressed,
I just came back from a party I didn't want to go to. I thought that since
it's a big party and there are girls I never met before I might be able to
do what Dall and Gus did and find someone, the girls whom I tried to talk to
where pretty much annoyed by me and I kept on thinking what was I doing wrong?
I kept looking at Dall, it seemed that he was a success even though he looked
lonely, he talked to many girls I don't know. I did make one good impression
though, on a girl called Mena, she asked me if we'll talk and I said O.K.
She's a nice girl, but it won't work for us. And now I'm thinking, what am I
doing? I mean, what do I do? Do I stay single cause I hope that one day Shawn
will change her mind, or do I leave the past keep loving Shawn and go out with
other girls? What would I have done if I would have met this very pretty girl
who would have wanted a relationship, what then, I didn't even realize what I
was doing. Thank god, I don't have to worry about such cases, since girls
don't like me very much, even though Rona did try to prove me wrong, tonight
was my proof that I am still annoying and unwanted. I didn't talk much with
the usual group so I could try to meet other people, bad idea. After I was
pretty much determined that I am of no use at the party and there is no reason
for me to stay, I went home. I wish I was dead, I really hate myself. Plus,
I've got a math test coming up soon, shit. I don't want to be here, I need
time!!! I'm losing my mind...
END OF LOG

Monday, June 5^th, 1995
23:50 (11:50 PM)

Dear log,
I talked to Rona today (she has a History exam tomorrow, poor girl) she said
that we might go to a small trip (the group that is) for a few days.
I am also going on vacation with my dad (how humiliating) this summer.
I hope I'll be able to find enough jobs so I could make some money this summer.
I haven't talked to Shawn for over a week, maybe I should disconnect? The question is,
can I disconnect?
I still think of her, I'm still pretty much depressed. Rona tried to cheer
me up, but no good, I think I'm worthless, unloved and unwanted, and until
It is proved otherwise, I'll still believe it. Meanwhile, I'm still wondering
if mystery woman even exists. I have a math test tomorrow and I don't really
know the material that well, shit!
I might be sending my computer to the lab for improvement on Wednesday, though
I pretty much doubt it. Lin asked me to come to school early on Wednesday
cause she has a guarding shift with Gala and the two didn't get along for the
last few months. I told Nilo when he was depressed that I went to this woman
who reads your fortune in Tarot cards, when he was depressed at first he
thought it was a good idea, the day after he got sort of over his depression
and told me that it's pretty stupid to believe in cards, I told him that I'll
believe her predictions only if I really will have a girlfriend close to
summer next year. Nilo is the only one who knows, I thought of telling Lin
but something Nilo said made me change my mind, when I gave him the
description of the girl who will be my girlfriend next year he said that it
pretty much sounds like Lin, and if that's right she better not know about
it, I'll tell her only if I do meet mystery woman next year. Currently, every
girl I meet I try to see if she fits the mystery woman category, you wouldn't
believe how many girls fit the category, but none of them wants to be my
girlfriend currently so I guess it won't change. I think the one fitting best
right now is Shawn, but that's because I'm very much in love with her at the
moment, if the love stays for the next year then I guess it might be her, but
if it fades it won't be. I'm trying to get over her and it doesn't seem to be
working, I try to imagine myself with another girl and after a while I split
with her cause my feelings towards Shawn still exist, how I wish I could be
with her.

(Big part cut out - too revealing - March 1999)

I wish I knew the secret of falling in love, how to know the type which I
might fall in love with, then I could spare myself the pain of falling in love
with them. I don't get it! I mean when you find someone you truly love, she's
supposed to love you too, right? Cause you were like, made for each other, so
why isn't it true? Why do people marry people they don't really love?
I wish I could just die.
Shawn! I love you, I can change! I'll change! Tell me how you'd like me to be
and I'll be like it, I'm a fucking actor, I've been acting all my life I can
act for you...
I had a party on Friday night, I got the party and tried to act like I have a
good mood (like I always did), I always go to places and act like I'm in a
great and happy mood, I'm an actor, I just put on my mask and I'm mister party
animal, who is constantly happy. Anyway, I went to the party and after a few
hours I lost it, my mask broke, shattered to pieces, and I couldn't put it on
again, I was in the middle of a party and instead of being happy, I'm sitting
there depressed with one thought in my mind, get out of here quick!
I guess what broke the mask was the feeling I got that I was not wanted and
instead of the usual smile and dumb remark I give I just got really depressed,
I couldn't fight it. And I'm having problems putting it back on, I just need
some time with myself and I ain't getting it. If I was at least Shawn's
boyfriend and she would have dumped me, at least I would have had some
memories, when I hugged her, kissed her, but I have nothing, being in her arms
is my biggest fantasy, I just want to lie on my bed look up and see her face
looking down at me and smiling, what a smile...
That will never be, and it's killing me. You know, when I made this log I
thought that one day I might show it to her (if we'll end up together) but now
I know I won't be able to do that, there are to many dark secrets here of me,
that if she knew it'll shock her (like the fact I'm pretty fond of death) so
I don't know the point of this log, perhaps I'm doing it for the future so
that 20 years from now I'll look back at this and laugh, or cry.
I better learn some math...
END OF LOG

Wednesday, June 7^th, 1995
16:45 (4:45 PM)

Dear log,
I'll be giving my computer away soon to be upgraded, cool eh?
I also intend to buy a pretty cool CD game, I just hope I won't have to wait
a long time to get it back, cause I'll have nowhere to write my log.
I also hope there will be no problems at the store itself.
That's it so far, I just don't have time to write anymore and I have to move
this file to a disk so no one at the store will be able to read you, hopefully
the next time I'll write I'll write on my improved computer.
END OF LOG



Wednesday, June 21^st, 1995
00:36

Dear log,
well I got my computer back a week ago and I kept messing with it so much I
hardly did anything else, including writing in you, actually not much has
happened since I took my computer for upgrading, except for last Friday.
On Friday the 16th of June (after not talking to each other since Sunday 28th
of May) Shawn called, I was trying to find out if I didn't call her perhaps
I'll feel a bit better it didn't exactly work, I think she was pretty upset
that I didn't call I told her I had many tests and no time, I know for sure
now that she doesn't trust me completely, she told me she had a dream but it's
to humiliating to tell me, I didn't pressure her about it, she usually dreams
of one thing, her favorite band. I wonder if she ever had a dream about me.
Needles to say I was pretty much depressed the rest of the day, I still can't
find time for myself, I have an optional math exam tomorrow, I don't know if
I'll go yet. On that same Friday when I talked to Shawn I went to Nick's
birthday party (I guess his party was pretty dull cause
I came around 23:30 (11:30 PM) and everyone was talking about leaving).
Rona took me outside and we went to a park and just started talking with her
and spilling my guts out, she is so different than me. She tried to cheer me
up, but again failed, I told her about me being extremely fond of dying, and
that I was supposed to be dead by now, and how I wish I had gun so I could
just blow my brains out. I don't know much about her now that I think about
it, she was unloved by people around her until she met us, and now she is
liked, she told me she still can't believe she has so many friends. She told
me her biggest fear is if something would happen to her friends, and I'm not
doing a good job of making her feel better when I'm talking about suicide.
She told me that she isn't capable of falling in love with someone, I don't
believe her, but I wish I was in her state, then I might be able to quit
thinking about Shawn. While we were talking she put her head on my shirt,
(we were both lying on the grass, and she put her head on my tummy, I feel
kind of weird about it, but she's pretty open and likes physical contact, so
we usually hug when we meet and stuff like that) anyway, she laid her head on
my tummy and I felt it getting wet, I thought it was the heat and it's sweat
but later on I found out by her that she cried. Except Shawn that I made her
cry, no other girl cried for me, for the first time in my entire life I felt
as if someone really cares about me, that I meant something to someone, I told
her that she shouldn't have cried for me cause even I don't cry for me, the
only time I cried for me was Shawn, 3 times, but never because of me.
I mean, I cried cause I loved her and I couldn't have her, I never cried cause
I hated my life and I wanted to die, I hardly ever cry.
Right now, I'm depressed, I'm going on vacation next week, I've decided that if
I meet a nice girl I'll try to hit on her (is that the correct phrase?)
I'm going to prove that I'm unwanted and ugly, cause she'll say no. I don't
know what I'll do if she'll like me, cause then I'll have the Shawn dilemma
and all will get hurt. How I wish I could get over her...
I think I won't be doing the math test tomorrow, I believe a B is a good enough
grade for me, dumbest man in the world.
I wish to sleep and to never wake up...
I told Rona I went to this fortune teller and told her what she said about
the mystery woman, Rona told me that she has a friend who reads in cards and
that she told her that she won't have a boyfriend till after 18 (or something)
I think I'll go meet Ricki again around December just to see if she still
sticks to her MW (mystery woman) prediction, so far I don't know any girl with that
description who'll be my girlfriend and I pretty much doubt her existence in
this world. I wish I could go somewhere and just be with myself, spend some
time with me, get to know me better. I don't believe that will happen.
Most of my friends are going abroad on Summer vacation which means I'll be
spending most of my time at the cinema watching movies, alone.
I'll probably hang out a lot with Rona too, she's staying. Me and Shawn
hardly ever talk about meeting each other again, perhaps she just doesn't
want to meet me, I can't say that I blame her, in fact not meeting her will
also be good for me since I'll probably be extremely depressed afterwards.
Well it's 1:23 a.m. I better go now.
END OF LOG