Sunday 21st of June 1998
4:00 am
Dear log,
What a way to start my log, it’s 4:00 am in the morning…I’m
surfing the net and trying to build my damned page…I never even tried messing
with HTML before…
So here I am after another long weekend on my own, it’s
now 2 weeks since I last talked to my ex-girlfriend and 2 months since
we split…
I still love her, but she doesn't know that, she mustn't
know that, we must be apart, that’s the conclusion I got to in the end.
We've been together for 2 and a half years and now I've ended it…it’s probably
just me being stupid, or crazy if you will…
Yes, I’m probably crazy, insane… she was the only one capable
of loving me and I just threw her away, told her I don't want anything
to do with her anymore.
It’s for the best, really, we only hurt each other all the
time… non-stop hurting each others feelings…
She never actually took interest in my life, and I wasn't
the least bit interested in hers…we were just together…we would never talk…time
would just pass by.
And now I'm here alone, for a month and half I told her
to leave me alone, and now she finally has…according to what I know she
already found a new boyfriend…well, she always was quick…
And here I am…all I had I threw away, so I can be alone…all
alone… I believe it's better this way, I'd rather be alone…and be waiting…waiting
for death to show some mercy and take me under its wing…
I know I'll get a lot of bad comments on this, but I don't
care…I want to die…it’s the only wish I have left…it’s the only thought
that helps me get through the day…
I wish only not to wake up in the morning….but I always
do…I always do…
My life consists solely of my job during the day and my
computer during the nights…as I surf the web… while listening to music…how
I love my music…I don’t know where I’d be without it…
I guess I’d still be here…
Now that I think of it, my life is extremely dull and boring,
why would anyone even want to read about it…heck I don’t even want to live
it…
What am I doing here anyway? Why am I here? Why can’t I
just disappear….
I drove away all who were close to me…only one friend left,
and she’ll fade out soon too I guess…
And then what?
Where do I go? What do I do?
I can’t stay here, I have to leave, somewhere, away, far,
far away…I have nothing here… only pain….
Damn…I’m too tired for this….I probably won’t even paste
this page today…
It’s late… too late… why am I doing this?
I’ll probably remove the page pretty quickly…very quickly…
I’m going to bed now…
END OF LOG
Tuesday 23rd of June 1998
2:54 am
Here we go again, almost 3 am and I'm on the net, surfing,
listening to the depressing music I play in the background…
A girl got raped yesterday…she was with her boyfriend when
four teenagers beat her boyfriend up and raped her…god, what kind of beasts
are we?
What are we? The devil's victory? All around there is hate,
crime, no justice, people getting hurt….and I sit here, I can't help…
I hate this feeling…I know that even if I was there, there's
probably not much I could have done, if at all…but this feeling…so helpless…
I hate it…I hate it so much… I hate it when people are used
and abused…and I sit helpless….
Why are we such beasts…or perhaps beasts is a compliment…beasts
don't even come close to a human's devilish thoughts and actions…we are
worse than beasts…much much worse…
I hate feeling helpless, like there is nothing I can do…it
goes back I guess…to my first love…
I loved her so much, and I would have done so much for her,
anything she'd ask I'd do…I was so obsessed…yet, other than knowing I'm
alive she didn't care…and there was that horrid feeling…so helpless, so
helpless… there was nothing I can do to change her mind, or give me a chance…nothing…I
find myself going crazy…how could I accept the fact that there is nothing
I could do…I'd go crazy thinking and thinking, trying to find some kind
of way into her heart, any way…I started adopting her hobbies, so I'd be
closer to her, do anything so she'll feel she can talk to me…but it never
worked out. She broke my heart some 4 years ago…and though it took me a
year to get over her she never left my thoughts…I broke all connection
with her…so I won't have to face the pain again…I'd rather not know what
she is doing, I'd rather not know who she dates and who she kisses, and
who holds her in his arms at night…
For the 3 years I stayed in touch with her she didn't find
a boyfriend, maybe that was how I managed to stay in touch…cause I'd have
probably went crazy if she found somebody while I was in love with her…
Unfortunately, her hobbies which I adopted for myself clung
to me, and I find myself collecting material that I would have never collected
if I have never met her.
She is the one that got me so obsessed with music…80's music
in particular…I find myself buying old collections and albums of singers
of the past…and I keep listening to them all night long…the depressing
songs are my favorites I guess…..I'm a music fanatic I guess, I get "high"
on music…hell, it's the only thing I have now…my music and my computer…
I read an article today about internet addiction…people
who sit for hours and hours on the net and develop an on-line life….there
was a self test to take…
I guess I have a problem…I feel my computer is the only
object I can trust in the world…all people I ever trusted let me down…ALL
of them…
But I guess I'm a disappointment myself so I fit in…I just
wish there was someone who could always be there for me when I need them…
So I work during the day and surf during the night…barely
sleeping, barely holding on….hating the morning for coming…hating my life
for existing…waiting for death to take me, to stop this loop from existing,
to free me from this burden.
Yet it seems death is not listening, or is simply toying
with me…it will not come…and I find myself thinking of suicide and all
the ways a person can die…
My life has no meaning, no purpose, no reason to continue…I
have no hopes, no ambitions, no desires and no will to go on…
And so I find myself in 3:00 am writing a log I'm going
to put on-line…and I still don't know why…why I'm doing this…and what am
I going to accomplish by posting it… probably nothing…
Maybe I'm seeking someone who could understand me…even though
deep inside I know no one can…
No one can understand the things I did, the logic behind
them, the actions and choices I made in my life. No one can share my feelings…
and so I go on alone…
Listening to depressing music in the dark…and waiting for
yet another day to pass…and another…and another…
I really should get some sleep…
END OF LOG
Thursday 25th of June 1998
1:30 am
Today was "one of those days", but then again so was yesterday
and the day before… One of those days that are just all wrong, that leave
you exhausted, I hate my work sometimes… I wish I could just quit and leave
it…but I can use the money…or at least the computer equipment I can buy
with it. I find myself buying every computer toy in the market, from scanners
to TV cards, only the best, wasting hundreds if not thousands on computer
peripherals… I don't use most of them that much even…but I gotta invest
my limited energy on something… and there is nothing else but my computer,
well, that's not true… I also invest a lot on CD's…. even though I don't
hear most of them that much either. But I always listen to music… I'm addicted
to the sounds… it makes me feel I'm elsewhere, with a different "life"
if you wish… more "powerful". And so I work most of the day, come home,
crash on the bed sleep till 12 at night wake up and spend almost all the
night surfing…
I believe that everyone has a reason for spending a lot
of time on the net, usually it's lack of friends in real life while on
the net you have plenty… too much even. Me, I'm looking for something…
I used to think I've found it, but if I'm here it means I didn't… and so
my search continues and hell I don't know what I'm looking for… I just
stay on line for hours… waiting… for something to happen, but nothing ever
does, and nothing ever will…it'll just stay this way…
My life seems like a scratched record that keeps on playing
the same tune over and over and over…work, sleep, and internet… constantly….
Week after week, month after month…. No change whatsoever… I hate my job
sometimes…not true…I hate my job most of the time…I feel like it's driving
me crazy and I'm already insane as it is….I don't need help in going mad,
I'm doing it well enough on my on…
I wonder sometimes if anyone will ever read this… I took
no actions whatsoever to promote my dumb log idea, and somehow I feel like
it's just a stupid and pointless thought… the counter counts high, but
I know well enough that the only one who ever entered the site is me..
with my corrections and updates…
Perhaps I shall cancel it and take it offline after a month
or two…or even less than that…
And so I sit here in the dark…again…
I lost weight again…I've been losing weight these past 2
months… my eating habits are all fucked up… I get home from work in the
evening, after not eating the entire day through and either I crash in
the bed and go to sleep, or have a small snack and a drink of water…and
then I crash….
I love to sleep too I guess, even though I don't do much
of that either…after all I spend so much time on the damned net…looking…for
something…and listening to my depressing music…
I don't leave the house, I don't hang out, I don't go to
parties…I go to movies occasionally by myself, no bother inviting someone
I don't actually want to be with to the film…
I find myself stuck in a loop…and when I think if alternatives…the
future…perhaps study something… I shudder…I don't want to be here….I don't
want this so called "future", I'm simply not interested… I want to bail
out… I'm sick of this…I want to leave so much…
Every year on my birthday I vow that this will be the last
year of my life… and after this… no more…but I always find myself alive
on the year after…and more depressed and fed up with life than the year
before…hoping I'll be able to gather enough courage to end my pitiful existence…
But I never do, do I?
At least I got rid of 90% of my friends… it should be easier
after they've all gone away and I'll be left totally alone…
Hell, I even stopped talking to my on line friends… I have
this annoying feature, at first I'm all nice and friendly and I talk to
a person for hours…then one day I get tired of them…something in a certain
conversations is wrong, something they did or didn't say…and I pull away…
remaining with an occasional hello here and there…I sometimes wonder if
people can fall in love by only reading lines of text…you can learn much
on a person by what they write but it's different when you actually meet
them…
Love…that rotten chemical your mind releases that makes
you go mad…they are going to have to make a cure for it eventually…soon…
I hope…
I don't know what to do with myself now, I want to write
but there is nothing left to write…and hell, why bother writing? No one
will ever read my page and take it seriously anyway… people will probably
just accidentally find it in the first place…it's a waste of time…but I
guess I just have time to waste… too much time…
I should shower and get some sleep…tomorrow is another day
from hell, and I have to make it through…again…
God…will this ever end?
END OF LOG
Sunday 28th of June 1998
1:47 am
Dear log,
Well, here I am at the end of the weekend…I have to go to
work tomorrow and I REALLY don't want to…I'm sick of my job…I got yelled
at by customer on Friday, I have so much things to do…and I can't keep
up with it…I feel like a fucking babysitter…I have to watch all the employees
that they aren’t making mistakes, and I have to perform as well… I can't
take it anymore…I wish this was all over…
I got home Friday all beat…and later drove to a friend to
get some computer shootemup games…I got home and was expecting the usual
wait till night time and start surfing the net day…I got a phone call from
a friend telling me they are having a fire in the sea and she invited me
to join in…I don't know why after all this time they still bother to invite
me, they know I'll never show up… I have no business being with them anymore…since
I was guessing my ex's new boyfriend (or soon-to-be boyfriend) would be
there, and I didn’t really want to be around them…so I declined…as usual…
As the day kept going I got a call from my ex…
She wanted to meet…I asked her why doesn't she go out with
the others (mentioning rumors I heard about the new boy interested in her),
she said there is no new boyfriend…which is odd since she is not the type
of person to be alone…anyway, I already tried yelling at her to leave me
alone and not to talk to me anymore…but that only worked for 2 weeks since
she was on the phone again…
I told her I'd meet her and that I'd call later…
I called later and I picked her up at 10:30 p.m.….at first
we drove aimlessly in the car, after a while we stopped in a park sat down
on a bench and started talking…we talked for about an hour…she wanted to
get back together in a way…that she still love me… I don’t understand her…
I really don't…why does she want to hang around with me when she was hit
on by so many guys in the 2 months we were apart (including the dude I
heard rumors about).
I wanted to get her off me…I don't trust her, not after
she hurt me knowingly…so I invented a whole fiction story so she'd leave
me alone…a whole story of how while our relationship was falling apart
I met this girl and had a "one night stand" with her…I told her in detail
what happened, and I also made it fit in time and things I told her in
the past…it sounded so perfect, it fit like a piece in a puzzle…she couldn't
believe it, she was pretty shocked…but to my amazement didn’t take it as
hard as I though she would…she still wanted to be with me…though the tale
was told extremely well, I wondered how the hell she believed it…hell,
no one in this fucking planet would agree to even consider a one night
stand with me…well, I guess I was pretty convincing. I'm a pretty good
actor I guess…
She still trusts me, even though I told her I slept with
her after the "one night stand" without telling her…she's odd…
Later we went to a coffee shop and then we stopped at my
house since I had to give her little brother something from my house…later
on I felt tired…too tired to drive anyway, so we just went to sleep…it
was probably one of the worst nights in my life since I squeezed myself
to the wall as much as I could, so here I am with a girl in my bed and
I'm going out of my way to have as minimal physical contact with her as I
can…instead of hugging her all through the night.
We woke up around 11:00 and talked more till a bit before
1:00 p.m. and then I drove her home…
I don't understand her, she CAN do better than me…much much
better… really…yet she wants to get back together…she says I can trust
her now, she'll never hurt me again, and I can't believe her, especially
after she already hurt me once…she is now placed in an army base far away,
I will meet her 3 or 4 times a month only…maybe less…maybe more…probably
less, I know how it'll feel, it'll feel terrible…living only on weekends…it's
horrid, I need support on the middle of the week, when I get back from
work, all depressed and beat…and she'll never be there for me then…never…
And it's going to be like this for the next year and half
till she has finished her army service…I don't think this is a healthy
relationship…I think it's an extremely painful one…not worth while…and
so I stay alone…
She suggested I wait for her till she leaves…it isn't hard
for me to wait, I don't have any girls interested in me nor will I ever
have…I don't even want to be alive in a year and a half…so why wait?
I don't know if I'll be alive or if I'll even be in the
damned country…
She says she won't hurt me again when she knows she's hurting
me…but I already have to deal with the consequences of her first decision,
that hurt like a knife in the back…or in the chest for that matter…
I feel I'm second best, the army comes first, then me…so
how can I be with her? She is going to have to be second best to my computer…
the only object I trust, a machine… even though it fucked up as well a
few times, and killed some of my work I invested so much time on…but today
it is almost 100% reliable…I keep 3 backups of almost anything worth my
while…if everything crashes and goes to hell, I have 90% of my work backed
up…it feels so safe…so secure…I can always replace the hard drive…never
the material on it…
The only thing I trust in the world…a machine…
And so here I am at the end of the weekend…depressed…alone…tomorrow
I have to back to my work…how I don’t' want to wake up in the morning…
She returns to her army base…I won't dare talk to her while
she's there…
I won't be able to be there for her in the army, just like
she won't be able to be here for me…
And all there is left is pain…so much pain… I'd probably
go mad if it wasn't for my music…how I love my music…what would I do without
my tunes… to calm me, to take me to other places…in my imagination…
I don’t want to think of the future…I don't want to know
the future… I don’t want to live the future…
I just want to leave this world…
I thought of moving elsewhere…but this isn't really working
out…plus I'll be alone wherever I go to too…my ex won't come with me…so
it isn't really worth it, is it?
Damned chemicals…fucking with your mind…driving you mad…insane…they'll
have to invent a cure for it eventually…
Or maybe they have and I don't know of it…
Well, it's 3:20 am and I should go now…maybe even sleep
a bit…at least I have my computer and my games to keep me company…
END OF LOG
Tuesday 30th of June 1998
2:52 am
Dear log,
Last day of the month, last log entry for the month…damn,
now I have to mess with the rotten HTML again…oh well…I've been on line
for 2 weeks now and no visitors yet, maybe it was my intention that no
one will read it anyway…maybe if I'll eventually kill myself I can direct
the people searching for answers to the net and let them find this place
by themselves…they'll never find it…just like no one ever will…
Today was my last shrink session for a while…my dad wants
me to stop seeing her…he believes I'll be fine…I believe I'll be fine after
I'll be 6 feet underground...and so my day continues…
I bought some more CD's for my collection…I really should
stop I guess…one of these days I'll have a full collection of all the songs
I need to hear…and then there will be nothing left to do but to jump from
the nearby building…
Damned life….I have to go to work tomorrow…I'm sick of my
job, I want to quit so badly…but I can't…not as long as I keep buying dumb
toys for my computer…maybe I should get a DVD drive as well…every thing
I buy for the computer looses its magic after a while, sure I use them
all (some more than others), but the magic is gone…the small amount of
joy is dead…and I'm all frustrated again…and so I buy another overpriced
piece of equipment, with more functions than I actually need, pay way to
much (even though I can get a lesser complex object) and end up not using
half the features the object was meant to give…DVD is next I guess…then
I'll stop buying CD's and switch to movies…
I was thinking about my ex again today…I'm breaking apart
when it comes to her…I want to get back…but I can’t…I have to pull through,
I have to tell her it's over, for good…no more trust games…no…no more…
I feel so weak…so alone…I crave to just cuddle in her hug
forever…but that is not possible…and the pain…it will be unbearable…
She is panicking I think…she left me for a slightly better
army career, I felt betrayed, hurt, I hate the army…it was such a horrid
place for me…I couldn’t stand the thought that she knew she is hurting
me and she did it anyway, no regards whatsoever for my feelings…and I was
just after a period of using drugs for my depression…one month after I'm
off the damned pills and she lays the "I want to be in the army for another
year than spend it with you…" (she didn't actually say that naturally,
but that's how it feels)…for her it's "only 9 months", if it's only 9 months,
don't talk to me for 9 months and see how fast, and quick time flies for
you…all this time she thought she'll show me, that after the officer course
she'll be placed in a better army base close to her home and everything
would be fine…
She'll be able to come back and say "see, I'm placed close
to home, we can meet, it's not that bad…" and crap like that…
But like all army related cases which concern me, I was
right…she is now placed in a worse base than she was before, far from home,
she comes home twice perhaps three times a month, not much for a relationship
that needs to be polished and worked on, that has to regain trust…she gets
out on weekends only, and even then she has to stay one weekend out of
four (or in army terms it is usually one weekend out of three, and don't
tell me I'm just being pessimistic, I know I am, and I know I'm right…you'll
see)…
I know how it'll feel, as I wait for the weekend to come
so I'll finally be able to meet her and she'll lay the "I'm sorry I have
to stay in the base this weekend due to…" a million and one reasons…and
I have to bear with this for a year and a half???
Why? It wasn't my choice…I didn't want this…I begged her
not to go, I told her I'd do anything she wants…ANYTHING….but she left…why
do I have to suffer the consequences??? How will I be able to bare this
for a year and a half???
And so she is panicking…she loves me…she thought she can
show me how wrong I am, and instead she ended up showing me how right I
was…and now she knows she is not allowed back in my life…not like this…not
as second best…she made her life's choice, she wanted to "pursue" her own
desires, well, those desires don't include me if they include the army,
and I made that very clear to her…
Now…now she seems to be thinking twice about it…but now…now
it is too late, and you can never go back…never…
And as much as I'd like to live in this, everything will
be ok fantasy of hers, I know I can't…I couldn't bare the pain…I was chosen
second best…and if I'm second best to the army, I'd rather just not be…and
that's it…
I'll try working on enough courage and power to end it…how
I want to just end it…for good…no more…no more calls, talks, meetings…just
me, by myself, alone, as nature intended…she'll bug me, I know…I have to
reason with her logic, but I think I can…I was usually pretty good in convincing
her…and after all if she "loves" me she'll have to respect my wishes…or
something…
Why didn't she find a different boyfriend already? It would
have all been easier then…easier to disconnect from her…to end it all…
As much as I want back, I must realize there is no back…only
pain and anguish awaits me…and it must end…for both our sakes…
I probably won't be able to talk to her this weekend either…my
army instincts tells me she'll stay in the base…we'll have to wait and
see…
Wait and see…wait and wait and wait and see…and wait…and
wait…and wait…
END OF LOG