June 1999

Dear log,
Once again I found a great time to write...
Doesn't matter, no one is going to read this log till I leave...
Hopefully soon...
Another finished talk with Eva...
And my departure for madness is coming...
How can I make her understand... Staying in touch with her will devastate me...
She has to leave me alone, and she must reach that decision...
I can't tell her...
I should...
But I can't tell her to let me be...
The words won't come out...
My fears take over...
My mind is racing...
My mind...
I must get rid of it...
I MUST!
It's telling me to get her back...
"You'll end up all alone if you don't make her fall in love with you again..."
SHUT UP!
JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!
YES!
I'LL BE ALONE!!!
FUCK YOU!
Fuck this...
It's my fucking destiny...
Why can't I accept it and keep going...
Think of all the great benefits of being alone...
I'll have all the time in the world...
To regret every action I ever did...
Why does she call?
Does she enjoy seeing me squirm and suffer?
Like I'm drowning trying to reach the surface one more time for a breath of air...
I try to explain myself as best as I can to her...
But she doesn't understand...
And when she called me a little while ago, after coming home from another one of her "hanging out with the guys"... she's too tired...
She'll call tomorrow...
And me, like an idiot... I'll go mad till she does...
I told her...
Imagine yourself in a dark room...
Totally dark and black you can't see a thing...
But you know...
YOU KNOW.... a light is coming...
So strong it will blind you...
But you don't know when... and you don't know the time... since it's all dark...
Eventually the light will come, and it will blind you for a few seconds...
Then vanish again...
Back to darkness...
But your eyes will not see the darkness... they will see colors fading away...
Even though they aren't there...
You'll see those colors fade even though the room is totally dark...
And eventually the darkness will return...
And you'll know again... that sometime... that blinding light will return...
You just don't know when...
And so I'm in my darkness again...
I know there is no way out for me... I'm too passive...
And death pays no attention...
If I let her in my life... back in my life... I'm doomed...
But I don't know how to keep her out...
And she doesn't understand she has to stay away from me...
What happens next?
When will this end for me?
END OF LOG

Dear log,
Again, I write, this time at a more appropriate hour of the day...
My week mostly sucked...
So did last...
But no one gives a shit...
No one is there anyway...
I make it through the day alone...
I should get used to this... this is how it's going to stay...
Misfortune began on Thursday last week... I was a god damn walking catastrophe...
I haven't been going to my classes for the past 2 months, partially my fault, partially due to the fact that the police came and confiscated all their hard drives for having illegal programs and software... There was a class today, but it mainly involved sitting in front of one computer... since only one has a hard drive now...
I learnt about the police raid last Thursday... 3500$ down the drain...
I could have gotten many CD's with that kind of money... but I wasted it on a trash school...
Another joke on my expense...

"I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors
But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find him laughing"

Depeche Mode - Blasphemous Rumors

Later on that Thursday, I broke a part of an HP printer... then I held a computer badly and to prevent it from crashing into the floor had to do my best with one hand... naturally cutting it deep enough for a lot of blood to come out...
I'm probably going to have a leftover scar...
Finally got home... I was in pain, I was hurt, I was alone...
And I was wondering if anyone was going to call or to care... I assumed Eva was going to be home... I wondered if she was going to call...
She called...
At 2:00 AM...
When nothing mattered anymore...
When I really needed someone, no one was there...
Story of my life...
Week went by...
Main event of the week was going to a combined K's Choice and Garbage concert...
You were right Tiff...
The music holds you...
I was so happy there...
I had a ride to the concert since it was in Tel-Aviv, but at the concert I was alone...
Perhaps it was better that way, no one could possibly understand what the music meant to me... the loud sound of guitars, as I scream out the lyrics at the top of my lungs...
And yet my voice is unheard...
I let myself go a bit...
Live drugs...
Live drugs...
I am making a promise to myself, next time an artist I know and like appears... be there... get plugged in... the loneliness is more bearable...
But the day wasn't all good...
I forgot the secret number for my VISA card, and a cash machine took away from me...
Now I need to go to the bank and get it back...
And I still can't remember my number...
I used it last Saturday... but I can't remember the number... my mind is blank...
My descent into madness continues...
I'm trying to organize my music collection... cataloging it and everything... I am so close to having every song I ever wanted to hear... after I am done with that... I feel like I can quit...
We shall wait and see...
Yesterday was hell...
After my day's work, I usually have a ride home... so I waited for my ride... finally at 19:30 he came... he dropped someone else off and then while driving me home the engine overheated... so we had to stop the car and wait till it cools down and add more water...
I finally get home, go in my room...
And in front of me is a brand new 21" Toshiba television set...
This should make me totally happy?
No...
It made me mad...
And after so much time of remaining calm... I picked up the phone, phoned my mom and screamed at her...
And I still don't think I made any difference...
I repeatedly told her, I don't want a television set, over and over. DON'T BUY ME A TELEVISION SET, I DON'T WANT ONE...
But no one listens...
The walls are the only ones that are there...
My mom doesn't listen, neither did my sister, or my grandmother...
My dad listens more lately...
Not much, but I know he won't come back with no shit surprise like this...
Did I mention he's in America now traveling?
Eva called...
She's been playing and toying with me all week...
And now I had it...
Enough is enough...
No more...
She loves me, she doesn't love me...
She has feelings towards me, but she doesn't want to be with me...
So she hangs around at my place... waits till it's late so she can fall asleep by my side...
And the game continues...
Enough...
She is NOT going to use me like a fucking teddy bear or a puppy...
She is NOT welcomed...
I live my life alone...
That's it...
People will never understand me, or what I'm going through EVER!
One girl, only one girl could understand me...
And one look at my face and she is never heard from again...
Shallow?
Maybe...
I should ignore her?
How can I when she was the only one to feel my pain...
Tiff...
I would have done anything in my powers and beyond if only I knew I had a chance to be with you...
I know now, you were the only one to listen, to take my life seriously...
I can't help but feel so sorry...
For the way I am...
I need to get my VISA back...
I need to keep on cataloging my collection...
Before my insanity takes over...
I am running out of time...
END OF LOG

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