Saturday, March 4^th, 2000
21:12 (9:12 p.m.)

Dear log,
How have you been?
I left you in the cold web, alone.

I didn't hear you leave,
I wonder how am I still here,
I don't want to move a thing,
it might change my memory

Oh I am what I am,
I'll do what I want,
but I can't hide I won't go,
I won't sleep,
I can't breathe,
until you're resting here with me

I won't leave,
I can't hide,
I cannot be,
until you're resting here with me

I don't want to call my friends,
they might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed,
risk forgetting all that's been

Oh I am what I am,
I'll do what I want,
but I can't hide I won't go,
I won't sleep,
I can't breathe
until you're resting here with me

I won't leave,
I can't hide,
I cannot be,
until you're resting here with me

Dido - Here With Me

Pretty isn't it... the song is very well too.
So what's new? Aside from the fact that I should be studying math and geometry now? Nothing much. Instead of learning I am on my computer and on the net. Sad, isn't it? I feel so stupid. I had a fight with my mom, I left Eva. Back again to point A.
I am going around in circles aren't I?
I feel so alone, so lost...
I want to fly away from here...
Eva was a silly thing to do...
After a few months of being together, she decided that even though she loves me very much, she won't be able to marry me as we are two completely different people... So we became "friends"...
Friends who have sex on occasion...
And I was studying...
And I'm studying physics... and Eva, she learnt physics in high school, so naturally I went to her for help, since physics is almost a total mystery to me...
But she had less and less time for me, and she spent weekend with her friends having fun...
So yes, I need a LOT of attention, it's who I am... maybe I need too much... and she didn't have enough time to give me attention, and she wanted to go out and have fun with her friends rather than spend a quiet evening at home with me sometimes...
And I couldn't concentrate in my studies...
I still can't...
So I told her to leave... to maybe call me when school is over in about 8 months... only if she doesn't have a boyfriend...
If she does have a boyfriend... I don't want to hear from her again...
And so it ended...
And I feel crushed...
So I went to my dad, to force myself to study... I had two major tests... and my grandfather passed on a day before my major physics test... got hit by a bus... so fucking ironic...
And today, in the morning, I get a phone call, from a friend of my mom, her daughter wants to teach me physics... give me private lessons...
And I got so fed up with my mom messing with my life, so I had a big argument with her, and now we are "brogez", not talking to each other and shit...
And I'm so SICK of this...
What's the fucking point?
She doesn't owe me anything...
She doesn't...
SO WHY DO I OWE HER? OR THE REST OF THE FUCKING WORLD?
What's the fucking point...
I feel like flying today...
There's a nice song they played on the radio... HIM - Join Me In Death
I don't have the lyrics... I couldn't find them...
But it's a simple song...

"This life ain't worth living"

My friends, I barely talk too... the phone almost never rings... and I lost interest... how the fuck am I supposed to study? I look at the books and the questions, and I don't want to solve them anymore...
I don't want to move on, I don't... I never did... I always figured I'll be dead by now... silly me...
Is there really no way out?
I made up a few new songs...
I guess I'm more depressed and creative than usual...
People never stay... they can't be trusted... they always end up leaving...
And I am always left alone... with my thoughts...
I wish I could act upon them... but I'm gutless...
I won't make it this year in my studies...
I'm not concentrated...
"Heading for a fall"...
I should be doing something more creative...
10:30 p.m.
Still wasting time...
I think this online log thing is one of the dumbest things I ever did...
No one reads the shit here anyway...
END OF LOG

Tuesday, March 7^th, 2000
21:25 (9:25 p.m.)

Dear log,
I should be learning... I should be learning math... I have a test tomorrow, and I haven't touched the math homework I got for almost 2 weeks... I can't sit down and learn... I feel like it's such a waste of time... that it isn't worth anything...
We got the results of our major math test today, I got a 69, which is good compared to many others that flunked... I guess...
I think I do have it in me... if I could find the serenity and peace of mind to study... I could probably do very well... but I'm not at peace, I'm uneasy, I can't relax, I can't concentrate... It was too soon for me to go study... I need to find my stability before I go on with my studies...
I want to leave the studies... I always do want to leave everything...
My dad keeps me in there...
My dad and my math teacher...
I never had a math teacher like that before, she teaches with such happiness and excitement, it's as if teaching math is the best thing in the world...
I feel so honored to have her as a teacher, I feel like if I leave my studies it will be my worst move yet...
Even if I can't concentrate, can't learn... the material I write down will serve me well the next round...
I finally finished one of my songs... it has everything, lyrics music... now I need to find a way to play it, maybe even record it... who knows... maybe I will have a future as a singer... probably not though...
It would be great to win an award and say, "I'd like to thank all those who thought I couldn't make it, those who never believed me, those who left and abandoned me, without you, I could never have been in the pain I was and written about it..."
Everything is calm though, I ran a search through the search engines... my site isn't there, not listed... it's finally hidden from the world... I don't believe anyone will find it again, or at least anyone that'll care...
It's kind of weird when you think of it, to keep on updating a site no one will see...
It doesn't matter...
I placed an add in an on-line dating forum... I asked if there was some girl out there that wants to commit suicide... maybe I'll have the guts if I wasn't alone...
Misery loves company, right?
It's a fruitless effort I believe, most of the people going to those kind of sites are men, women are scarce... no one will read the message...
How can I keep going?
I ordered a book through E-bay... "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream" should be different... I hope I didn't get my Visa stolen...
We'll see...
I wish the weekend was here already, I think I'll go out Thursday night and stay out...
return Friday afternoon or something... roam the streets at night till dawn breaks...
I gained weight during my studies... and for the first time in my life, it seems like I can't get rid of it... I suddenly feel fat...
But I haven't been eating much lately... so it should get back to normal soon...
Why do I stay? Why can't I leave? I want to get out of here so badly...
An empty shell walking the planet... looking for something to fill me up... but there is nothing is there?
No one understands...
My dad is mad that I'm not learning...
Fuck this... why did I get into this shit in the first place...
The walls are closing in...
I wish Gob was learning with me... he could have made everything better... but he says he can't take the pressure... that he doesn't like learning... which is a shame because he's so smart...
I know that if I was with him, learning, everything would have been better, I wouldn't feel so alone...
We were always together... no we barely see each other...
I hope he's doing OK... I know sometimes work gets to him...
"And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore"
Dido - Honestly OK
Nice song...
It's time...
It's finally 10 p.m.
I can go surf now and waste what little remains of my studying time...
I wish I was dead...
END OF LOG


Wednesday, March 22^nd, 2000
1:00 a.m.

Dear log,

"Perhaps I am a miscreation
No one knows the truth
there is no future here
And you're the DJ speaks to my insomnia
And laughs at all I have to fear
Laughs at all I have to fear
You always play the madmen poets
Vinyl vision grungy bands
You never know who's still awake
You never know who understands and

Are you out there, can you hear this?
Jimmy Olson, Johnny Memphis,
I was out here listening all the time
And though the static walls surround me
You were out there and you found me
I was out here listening all the time

Last night we drank in parking lots
And why do we drink? I guess we do it cause
And when I turned your station on
You sounded more familiar than that party was
You more familiar than that party
It's the first time I stayed up all night
It's getting light I hear the birds
I'm driving home on empty streets
I think I put my shirt on backwards

Are you out there, can you hear this?
Jimmy Olson , Johnny Memphis,
I was out here listening all the time
And though the static walls surround me
You were out there and you found me
I was out here listening all the time

And what's the future, who will choose it?
Politics of love and music
Underdogs who turn the tables
Indie versus major labels
There's so much to see through
Like our parents do more drugs than we do
Oh....

Corporate parents, corporate towns
I know every TV set that has them lit
They preach that I should save the world
They pray that I won't do a better job of it
Pray that I won't do a better job
So tonight I turned your station on
just so I'd be understood
Instead another voice said
I was just too late And just no good....

Calling Olson, Calling Memphis
I am calling, can you hear this?
I was out here listening all the time
And I will write this down and then
I will not be alone again
yeah I was out here listening
Oh yeah I was out here listening
Oh yeah I am out here listening all the time"

Dar Williams - Are You Out There?

I guess you aren't out there are you?
Pathetic me...
Life is so pointless...
END OF LOG

Wednesday, March 22^nd, 2000
21:50 (9:50 p.m.)

Dear log,

Short entry yesterday, I know...
I have a math test tomorrow, I learnt a bit with a couple of "friends" from my school... But they are gone now, and I know I won't continue by myself...
I feel so alone, and so lost...
I talked with Guss today, he's Eva's friend...
He's been trying to catch me for a few days, but he keeps on missing me...
He needs a favor... computer help...
I asked him how Eva's doing... I don't talk to her...
She's been working like hell...
Well...
As long as she's happy... I know I'm not...
I wonder if there is anything on this planet that can make me happy?
I was thinking, maybe singing my songs...
I sang a few to Rona... most embarrassing...
But she liked them...
Said I have talent... or maybe she's just being nice...
I like my songs, they're original and true... and catchy enough...
I wish I could play a guitar...
I completed a song not so long ago... my first complete song, lyrics and everything...
And even though not a soul is reading this, I dare not put it on the web, it won't be safe here...
I need to make the world know it's mine...
I don't want people taking my song and passing it along without giving me any credit...
Like people would actually want it...
I'm just paranoid... probably got it from my mom...
I'm slowly falling apart...
piece by piece...
I'm not doing bad in my studies... but they are hard and I know I won't be able the high grades I need to get to Electrical Engineering, my dad isn't worried, "you can always do it again" he says, but I don't want to do it again...
I wish I had a place...
I wish someone out there cared about me more than anything...
Love me more than anything...
Want to be with me more than anything...
And would never desert me...
I wish I knew where to go...
I wish I could stop running away...
There is nothing out there...
Nothing at all...
END OF LOG

Monday, March 27^th, 2000
3:03 a.m.

Dear log,
Another chat on IRC completed... this time a 17 year old girl from Israel...
I wonder why I even bother chatting with girls on IRC even... I should have learnt my lesson after Tiff...
I got 3 mails in my Inbox...
I'm guessing people found this site again...
How the hell did they get here anyway???
I'm not listed ANYWHERE I checked...
One mail was in some foreign language...
I have no idea what it says... I'm guessing it may be some sort of spam... I mean, it's OBVIOUS I read English isn't it? Otherwise this site would have been in a different language...
The other 2 mails where similar...
2 pictures, black and white...
First picture - girl with webcam, I suppose, sitting on a chair with bra, with her tongue out...
Second picture - same girl, no bra...
And I'd just like to ask...
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?
And why the hell am I receiving those pictures in the first place???
I don't believe they found me through here...
It's too well hidden...
Or is it???
I don't know anymore...
Maybe I was found...
I'm so sick of everything...
I feel like the entire world is mocking me...
And the stupid counter doesn't work so I have NO clue if anyone is visiting this site...
I'm thinking of adding another counter...
That should ease my mind...
I don't know what to do anymore...
Did the girl in the picture visit my site and decided to mock me?
Or did I get the E-mail by accident and it wasn't even meant for me...?
And why am I getting mails in foreign languages???
I wish I knew...
To whoever out there reading this... try typing in ENGLISH...
I'm thinking of shutting down...
We'll see...
END OF LOG