Sunday, March 2nd, 1997
23:48 (11:48 PM)
Dear log,
again I have neglected you, not cause I don't have anything new to write but,
I just can't find the time to write them. I get home so tired but filled with
thoughts, and I want to spill them out, but I can't get myself to write.
Actually I wouldn't be writing this now but some things have happened which
are pretty important I guess, so here they are:
Well first of all Eva didn't get drafted, on the day she was supposed to
get drafted she had the flu and they let her of the hook until later, her new
date of getting drafted is the 14th of April. Good luck to her in there.
So you think that'll change anything with me?
Sorry, not this time.
If you recall I am going to a psychiatrist every 2-3 weeks, on one of the
meetings (there was only three but I can't remember on which one it happened)
I told him I don't feel human, he said that was because I wasn't a human being
but a soldier, I told him I cannot be a soldier, and that I cannot feel like
one, obeying orders like a robot. He also said that we do not live in a
Democracy, but in a kind of dictatorship.
And me?
I'm fucked.
He said I could leave the army, which means that he would probably help, but
I know I can't do that, I've been telling people around the base I am leaving
the army, they all shared the same opinion that it is a bad idea.
I agree, the idea sucks. I cannot leave the army, and face all the people I
know that thought I was in there, and answer all the "WHY" questions, like,
why did you leave the army, why are you ruining your life, why are you so
stupid and etc...
So leaving is out of the question.
Which leaves us with option 2, stay in the army.
IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!
I will go crazy if I stay there and loose my sanity completely.
And so with great rejoice I am proud to announce that a date has been picked
in the month of March 1997 in which after that I will cease to exist.
The 15 of March.
I don't want to shoot myself, I'd rather take lots of pills and fall asleep.
My only fear is if I take an incorrect dose...
That's why I'll take a lot of pills of different kinds.
The annoying part is that nobody understands why I want to die so much, well
I didn't expect much from most people, but today I talked with Gob, and he
told me he was scared cause I sounded serious...
I mean I thought he was someone who hated life as much as me, but was living
it by force. Guess I was wrong.
There is only me out there, and it's time me ceased to exist.
No human knows the date, but few know it's soon.
The few are: Gob, Eva, a new nice girl in our army office,
a boy who took my place in my former job in my base, a nice lad and also the
only boy in the world right now I can talk seriously to, since Nilo really
loves the army and his life is great at the moment, he also changed a great
deal and we've grown apart.
On the 10th of March I have a meeting with my Psychiatrist, I want to get some
days off from him so I can make the last plans and arrangements, u know,
last letters and directions and shit. I also want to kill my weapon, and take
it apart to it's smallest piece, I hope I succeed, then I'll hide each and
every piece in a unique hiding place, I'll also tear my boots and shirts, and
write the word free from bullets or gunpowder (didn't choose yet).
So as you can see my death is pretty planned out, another annoying thing is
that people don't believe I'll do it, they think I'm bluffing, which is just
as well since then they won't think about stopping me.
Well, enough about my great and wonderful plan, I'd better go to sleep, I have
to get up tomorrow, I hate getting up, soon I'll never get up ever.
I can't wait actually, I want to do it already, I have been waiting for too
long.
I'll get back to you, I still need to work some things out, I must not fail,
or else I'm REALLY fucked, so z'ya later.
END OF LOG